By Zephyria The myth of Santa Claus is a kind of religion. Unlike Greek mythology, which faced a religious end as its believers vanished, this was a living religion that many still believed in. Children are fervent devotees who believe without a doubt in communion with the deity, and socks serve as the prayer for that communion. The doctrine is a simple faith based on blessing-seeking; rather than pursuing the will that Santa Claus wishes to achieve, the primary purpose of the faith is to satisfy the expectation of “wanting to receive a gift.”
Of course, despite that simplicity, there is a condition. For Santa Claus to grant a wish, the child must be a good boy or girl. This is likely why parents actively proselytize the religion of Santa Claus to their children.
My parents were the same. They told me that if I were a good child, Santa Claus would grant the wish I desired.
In that regard, I was a very successful “good child.” I was so good that I wrote my wishes with the thought that my parents, who would check the notes in my socks, would feel proud of me.
I put notes in my socks asking for things like World Children’s Biographies, World Masterpiece Series for Children, Natural History via Audio, National Geographic Astronomical Telescope, Ant Breeding Kit, and Solar Cell Experiment Set.
But there was something else I truly wanted.
I realized at a young age that I liked the same sex. However, just as I knew that fiddling with my genitals in front of my parents was shameful, I instinctively realized that liking the same sex was not something to be proud of.
Of course, that doesn’t mean liking the same sex is wrong. But in the small Korean community of Baltimore, it was regarded as something incredibly strange, like being born with a pig’s tail.
My parents were very conservative. So, what could I have done? In my childhood, I couldn’t even dream of dating a man behind my parents’ backs, and it was the same during my college years, which usually evoke images of freedom and debauchery.
Because my attachment to my parents was as strong as glue, I couldn’t even apply to colleges far from home. Consequently, I commuted to a university not far from my parents’ house, and I even had a curfew. Throughout college, I was treated as an oddity—an eccentric Asian under the overprotection of his parents.
Because of these circumstances, I often fell into delusions that escaped reality. When I lay in bed at the end of a grueling day, my other day would begin. In my delusions, I was a completely different person from my actual self. I enjoyed free eroticism without worrying about anyone’s gaze.
If I had written vulgar notes inside my Christmas socks, that was the reason. Like masturbating in a public restroom, it was nothing more than a naughty prank I didn’t want to be caught doing. And yet, to think there was someone who had seriously recorded all those obscene jokes.
The skin rubbing against mine was soft. The scent of lavender, my favorite, wafted from his body and mine. Smelling that scent, which calmed the mind and body, sleep began to wash over me. Clause poured a generous amount of cream into his palm, rubbed it onto my shoulder, and firmly kneaded the knotted muscles.
“There’s something I’m curious about.”
Looking at the dim scenery outside the window, I turned my body to face him. My voice, which had spent the night letting out moans during loud sex, was completely cracked.
“What are you curious about?”
“Doesn’t Santa Claus only grant the wishes of children?”
“Not necessarily. If it’s a desperate wish, he can grant it even if an adult asks.”
Looking at him speaking so smugly, I found it absurd.
“I wasn’t desperate.”
“Right. You weren’t desperate.”
Clause let out a soft laugh and said,
“Still, I figured you were something special, since you made such consistently persistent wishes.”
“That was just… nothing much. I wasn’t hurting anyone. I just wrote down desires I couldn’t tell others.”
“For ‘nothing much,’ the level was quite high. Spanking, deepthroat, dirty talk, and even orgies. Ah… even I can’t do orgies. No, I can’t share you with other guys. Got it?”
With a flushed face, I stared at him silently. His endlessly light tone bothered me.
No matter if he was Santa Claus who grants wishes, he must have needed a catalyst to grant these unusual wishes. Did he want to play an obscene prank because I seemed easy and pretty enough to mess with?
Even though I was the one who easily allowed a night with him, I found myself wanting to criticize him simply because I had fallen for him.
But at the same time, strangely, I felt comfortable with him. I wasn’t frozen, overwhelmed by his appearance as I was during our first meeting, nor did I feel an anxious need to impress him. I wasn’t afraid of him, and I didn’t walk on eggshells around him. However, I knew this comfort would not last. When I began to want something from him, the comfort between us would vanish, leaving only an unfillable void.
I deliberately snipped away the feelings sprouting toward him.
“Next Christmas, I’m going to wish for a dildo.”
“A dildo?”
“A seven-inch neon-colored dildo. I think that size would be appropriately large and safe.”
Instead of wishing to date Hakan Clause, I would beg for a ridiculous adult toy. I intentionally raised my voice to hide my melancholy mood.
“Since I’ve put a man’s penis in my anus, I should be able to enjoy myself easily alone now.”
At my words, Clause’s expression turned strange. After staring at me for a long while, he spoke.
“Santa Claus doesn’t deal in adult toys.”
I stared intensely at him. It was a very strange feeling. Something surged within me, a surge of emotion that even I couldn’t identify. Unaware of my heart, he spoke playfully.
“I could wear a neon condom and fuck you like a dildo. Of course… my cock is much bigger than a seven-inch dildo.”
“Stop joking.”
Suddenly, I wanted to cry. If he hadn’t been right in front of me, I probably would have wept silently.
The cliché story of falling in love with a man after spending one night together. To think I would be the protagonist.
“Why do you think I’m joking?”
He smiled as if it were a predicament.
“I haven’t even cleared half of your wish list yet. There’s a mountain of things to do together.”
“You don’t need to grant any more of my wishes. Now that I’ve actually tried it… sex is nothing.”
“What?”
“I can handle it well on my own.”
I felt a heat rising. I tried to lower my head to hide my expression, but he grabbed my chin and forced our eyes to meet.
“Why do you look like you’re about to cry?”
“When did I?”
“You’re clearly very angry with me right now. Like you’re feeling sorrowful.”
The playfulness had vanished from his face.
“I’m not angry. What do I have to be sorrowful about?”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.”
He grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward him.
“Then kiss me.”
“…I don’t want to.”
“Why? A moment ago, you were biting and sucking my tongue so much. Does your mind change after sex? Are you saying you have nothing left to regret now?”
His tone was playful, but his eyes were accusing me.
We looked at each other in silence. At first, I didn’t realize why he was accusing me, but I soon understood the reason for the anger and anxiety in his eyes. Perhaps, if my guess was not wrong, the worries I harbored might not be a big deal.
Trying to shake off the excitement urging me forward, I spoke lightly on purpose.
“Do you regret anything?”
His gaze grew heavy. The palm of his hand gripping my wrist was damp with sweat. He cast his eyes down.
“I’ve known you for a long time. Much longer than you guess.”
“…Since when?”
“Even before you were born, I was managing toy distribution at the East Coast branch. Since your mother was a child, Baltimore was my management area. Your mother always wished for a puppy for Christmas… but unfortunately, I couldn’t grant that kind of wish.”
“You know my mother?”
“The branch was in Baltimore. I knew every child in that area.”
“Baltimore? That’s my hometown.”
“Yes.”
Had he maintained this same appearance since long before I was born? Was he truly an immortal being beyond my imagination? I looked into his clear, deep eyes and let out a small laugh.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Just because it’s fascinating.”
“What is?”
“You must have existed back then exactly as you look now. If you were in charge of Baltimore, you must have run into me once in a while.”
“I did.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You lived in a three-story apartment. I remember they knocked down the walls of a three-story building to use the whole thing. You also had a small dog.”
“That was Choco.”
“What?”
“The dog’s name was Choco. He passed away when I was thirteen… but he lived quite a long time.”
“I remember. A black Chihuahua. He had a round scar on the crown of his head, and since hair didn’t grow there, it was smooth.”
Since Choco was a long-haired Chihuahua, the scar wasn’t visible at a glance. It was a fact you’d only know by stroking the crown of his head or looking closely. I looked at him with a blank expression.
“How… how… you know that in such great detail.”
“Of course. I rented a room in the building next to that apartment.”
“What?”
“I said I rented a room.”
His expression was calm as he recalled the past.
I felt something swelling inside me. Growing impatient, I rolled up the blanket covering my lower body like a cushion and hugged it. I moved close to him, grabbed his bare arm, and asked.
“Where? Which apartment? Which building was it?”
“It was Building B. In front of the vacant lot with the basketball hoop. I didn’t live there long. I moved after about a year, but it wasn’t bad considering the rent was cheap. The apartment your parents managed was in a good location, and the facilities were quite decent. Especially the communal pool; the water quality was good for a public pool. In the middle of summer, I practically lived there.”
“You practically… lived in the pool?”
Overwhelmed by shock, I stared at him.
Scenes from the past were flooding into my mind. The deep blue pool tiles, the blue sky beyond the shimmering surface, the midday sun beating down, the white spray of splashing water, and red swim trunks.
“Did you happen to enjoy wearing red swim trunks?”
A warm smile played on Clause’s lips. Only after seeing his smile could I remember the face of the man who had been vaguely blurred in my memories. I shouted in an excited voice.
“The man next door was you?!”
“You finally remember?”
He looked at me as if scolding me, but I couldn’t hide my smile. I felt all my distrust toward him disarm. Ah, except for one thing.
“…You’re not a pedophile or anything, right?”
He suddenly went silent. He glared at me with an angry expression and then lightly pushed my face away with his palm as if he didn’t want to see it. I clung to his hand that covered my face. Unable to hide the intimacy I felt for him any longer, I threw myself upon him.
* * *
Returning to New York, white snow had piled up softly. The scenery, which carefully covered the filth of the world, was clean and beautiful, as if it had reached the pinnacle of purity. Unlike the night that heightened excitement, the clean scenery of the late dawn calmed my heart.
The sleigh, pulled by Rudolph and six reindeer, landed smoothly on the rooftop of the apartment, on the pristine snow that no one had stepped on.
“Why? Are you still head over heels?”
He glanced at me and laughed playfully.
“Don’t be so smug. When did I say I was head over heels?”
Pretending to be unfazed, I took off the red cloak and handed it to him. Once again, static electricity made my hair stand up around me. Clause gathered his breath into his palm and then smoothed down my floating hair with his damp hand.
“Why are you so small? You were on the taller side for your age until you entered middle school, so I thought you’d grow quite a bit. Huh? What were you doing while others were growing?”
I glared at him as he smiled mischievously.
“Alright. It’s not that you’re small, it’s that the world and I are too big.”
“Stop teasing me.”
A sigh escaped me. Unlike the intense first impression—or rather, the impression I felt during our reunion after a long time—he was excessively playful. He had an immature side, throwing out pointless jokes and checking my reaction. But did that make me dislike him? No, it didn’t.
Even after stepping off the sleigh, I stood still for a long time, hesitating. Like lovers reluctant to part, we remained silent for a while.
Cutting through the city’s spires, the red morning sun was rising in the distance. All the events of last night that had made me cry and laugh had already become things of the past. It felt like waking up from a dream.
“Will I see you next year?”
If there were no particular changes around this time next year, we would meet again as the BM of some new product and the buyer.
“I suppose so. Unless something unusual happens, I’ll keep seeing you.”
I recalled the times Reggie Eglinton went on business trips to contact secret buyers. August, October, November, and December. If I were lucky, I could meet him four times next year.
The wind whipped up, creating a snowstorm. The wind blew for a long time. Like snow falling from the sky, it sparkled dazzlingly in the light of the rising sun. Like a choral piece, everything produced its own note, creating a beautiful harmony.
It was a perfect Christmas morning. It was so perfect that I felt a lingering regret, wishing this moment would never disappear.
But I don’t have the courage to hold onto you.
It was a murmur so small that it didn’t even reach my own ears. He might have felt it as a mere sigh.
Clause pulled my wrist to check the time. It was just past seven in the morning.
“I’m late.”
“I guess you’re going somewhere again.”
“Yeah. I have to go get my car.”
A car. Did he mean a real car, not a sleigh? I was curious, but I felt I shouldn’t interfere further in his private life.
“Then, I’ll be going.”
“Go safely.”
I smiled brightly, pretending to be unfazed, and he opened the sleigh door without showing much reluctance. As I watched him grip the reins, it suddenly occurred to me that I had to say this.
“Mr. Clause.”
“Yeah?”
He, who had one foot on the threshold of the sleigh, turned back to look at me.
“Merry Christmas.”
He paused. Standing there for a long time looking back at me, he let out a long sigh. As if I had pulled him back, telling him not to go, he looked at me with eyes driven by emotion.
Stepping down from the sleigh, he approached me again. I had to tilt my head far back to look up at his tall frame.
Like a snowflake melting in the mouth, his warm lips softly melted my cold, frozen lips. It was a short kiss.
“Right. Merry Christmas.”
His voice had grown slightly husky.
Our lips parted, and he took a step back. He looked at me in silence for a long while before climbing back onto the sleigh.
“Goodbye.”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t even look back as you leave.”
“…Do I have to?”
His immature tone made my stomach turn.
“Just go already!”
“I’ll do that even if you don’t tell me.”
“I mean it. If you look back, I’m going to throw snow at you.”
I raised my voice, feeling an unnecessary sense of grievance. Tears welled up, but he probably didn’t see them as he was pulling the sleigh’s reins.
He lightly struck the reindeer’s backs with the whip. The sleigh left the rooftop, cutting through the spires and flying high into the air.
He truly did not look back. Hakan Clause and Rudolph’s sleigh vanished into a distant dot, leaving behind a vanishing point that sparkled like dazzling starlight.
* * *
As soon as I entered the room, I stripped off my clothes, threw them in the living room, and collapsed onto the bed. My whole body throbbed as if I had been beaten, not to mention the pain below.
But even in this state, I had to prepare for an appointment with a client shortly. A client who schedules a lunch appointment on Christmas afternoon—they were either a complete psycho or a total workaholic.
Regardless, I needed to manage my condition for my appointment in the afternoon. I set the alarm for two hours later, lay down, and closed my eyes. Once I woke up, I would return to my dull reality. The magic of Christmas had ended; it was time to adapt back to daily life.
However, sleep did not come easily. It wasn’t that I was reminiscing about last night’s sex. I was thinking about the meaning of the tears I had shed.
I had cried for a long time after he left. I cried because I was foolish enough to believe that his heart was the same as mine. He had pulled me close as if he were about to give me his heart, only to push me away by saying he would see me next year. He had built a wall, declaring that he would no longer be privately entangled with me. What on earth was the problem!
Carefully rubbing my stinging eyes, I turned over to face the other way. From my spot on the bed, the wall was directly in view. The plastic mini Christmas tree and the stockings hanging on the wall would disappear after tonight. Until next year’s Christmas arrived, they would remain shoved away in a box in the closet for a very long time.
Until just a moment ago, it had been the happiest Christmas, but now, I hated everything that reminded me of it. I was sick and tired of Christmas. I made up my mind that I had to get those things out of my sight right now.