By Zephyria Please let me spend a night with a sexy, handsome, and charismatic man.
There are countless perks to living independently, but if I had to pick just one, it was this: the fact that there is no one to complain if I tuck a letter detailing my most explicit desires into a Christmas stocking. Without having to worry about anyone’s gaze, I confidently slid the letter containing my obscene wish into the stocking.
Ever since I was a child, I had spent every Christmas season putting a letter with my wishes into a holiday stocking. Unlike other children my age, who innocently wished for game consoles, robots, or RC cars, I—having matured in a darker direction—wished for the men I wanted.
However, aware that it would be shameful if my family ever found the letters, my notes always turned to ash in the fireplace before anyone could discover them. Instead, I would pretend to be a good boy and rewrite my wish lists to include things like the World History Series for Children or a complete set of Children’s Educational Books for Developing Critical Thinking and Logic.
It couldn’t be helped. As the obedient and exemplary eldest son of the conservative Lee family, I was accustomed to living that kind of life.
But here, there was no fireplace to burn letters in, nor a family placing expectations on me.
I made my wish more daring.
If possible, I hope his penis is large. His stamina needs to be incredible, too; even if I beg and plead for him to stop, he should push me to the limit and keep pounding away. Until I lose my mind, until I’m exhausted and sobbing, the sex must continue. At least three times without a break, thrusting into my hole until it’s raw…
“I’m going crazy.”
I must have been starving for too long. I looked down at the bulge between my legs and let out a hollow laugh. Santa Claus would be too busy granting the wishes of good children to care about the wish of a twenty-seven-year-old man. Nevertheless, as I immersed myself in various fantasies while writing, my body grew hot, and my lower half hardened with excitement.
I slid my hand into my loose waistband and closed my eyes. Imagining someone touching me, I began to rub my member, and a wave of pleasure washed over me.
I considered inserting a small rotor down there but changed my mind. I didn’t feel like going through the effort of a full-scale release. Instead, I pulled my pants down further and stroked myself. I deliberately spread my legs wide and let out a loud moan. There were no parents here to worry about, nor a younger brother who treated me like a shut-in scholar.
“Haa… ah, haat…”
After struggling for a while, the climax approached. Panting and lingering in the afterglow, I pulled out some tissues and wiped the semen scattered across the floor. I felt refreshed, yet a strange bitterness crept in.
Please let me spend a night with a sexy, handsome, and charismatic man.
I stared with blurred eyes at the letter I had painstakingly written in capital letters, then picked it up with my semen-stained hand.
“Is it too much to ask for wealth and honor? I just want to do that kind of thing at least once.”
Feeling conflicted, I thought about throwing the letter away, but I felt it would be a waste of everything I’d written. Without even finishing the letter, I folded the paper haphazardly and stuffed it into the stocking. With that, my own private Christmas ritual was complete.
Even though I didn’t reflect on the meaning of Christmas and didn’t believe in Santa Claus, I was always drawn to this fantasy. Because I couldn’t find the answer on my own. I was incredibly timid and shy, and a person who cared far too much about how others perceived me. Being pinned down and struggling beneath someone was something that only ever happened in my delusions.
“Let’s just work.”
Escaping into work was easier than going outside right now to find a man to pin me down. As always, work. Work was everything to me.
Not that I was happy about my boss calling me at three in the morning.
-Hey, tiny Lee!
Regina laughed with a coarse voice that tore through the dawn. It was a truly irritating voice. While adjusting my grip on the phone with my other hand, I muttered a curse very softly, at a volume she wouldn’t be able to hear.
“It’s the middle of the night.”
-Is it? It’s daytime here.
Regina was a woman who possessed the magic to make one want to hang up within ten seconds of starting a conversation.
-So prickly. Though, you don’t sound like you were sleeping.
“Why did you call?”
Regina laughed boisterously with her metallic, husky voice before continuing.
-Ugh! Look at that prim way of speaking. Every time you talk like that, I find you so cute I could die. You’re just like a baby bird chirping.
I gave up on responding and waited patiently for her to finish.
-The reason I called is that I have a favor. I should have told you sooner, but I didn’t know my business trip would be extended so suddenly. What can I do? It’s not like I can split myself in two. So, as a favor, please attend a meeting in my place in two days. I’ve sent an email, so check it and proceed with the reception.
I simply listened to the torrent of words Regina poured out. If she had already made a decision, I had no choice but to follow. She was like a racehorse running toward victory; once she decided to sprint, there was no way for me to leave the track.
I staged a timid rebellion by grumbling softly as I logged into my email.
“It’s the end of the year, so I’m swamped too. How can you ask this so suddenly?”
-My tiny and precious Lee may be small in stature, but your heart is as wide as the universe. If I weren’t a generous and capable man, I wouldn’t have asked. Besides, you’re incredibly tight-lipped. I thought all gay men were chatty, but you’ve practically broken my prejudices. For this task, a tight lip is the most important thing, so I can’t entrust it to anyone else. Lee, you’re the most suitable person. Ah, read it quickly. I can’t talk long. I’ll wait until you’ve read it all.
She praised and belittled me simultaneously with words that weren’t even funny. I thought I had grown accustomed to her way of speaking, but I felt a subtle surge of irritation. While seriously considering hanging up, I diligently opened the email.
We didn’t speak for a while. The content of the email was absurd. After reading everything, including the postscript added at the end, I let out a deep sigh.
Like a permafrost that never melts, I spoke in the coldest voice I could muster.
“This joke is going too far.”
But Regina was a person like fire, capable of burning even ice.
-Joke? Too far? Do I, Regina Eglinton, look like someone who would spout such trivial jokes?
“I thought you weren’t until now, but I might have to reconsider. You’re teasing me, right? I’m not a child; why would I believe in Santa?”
-Santa Claus actually exists!
Regina shouted in a voice like a thunderbolt.
-I came on this European trip because of the Clause family’s business. Do you think I sent that email just to crack jokes? You know my personality, don’t you? Huh? Do you know how much I’ve been suffering in this cold…
Regina shouted with a voice full of venom. I had only said one thing, but she lectured me with an epic scale reminiscent of the Iliad.
I see, so Santa does exist.
I felt exhausted by her lengthening story. Before her chatter could go on further, I quickly admitted defeat.
“Alright. I’ll believe it. I just need to go to the Marigold Building by three o’clock on Monday, right?”
Laughter erupted from the other end. Regina laughed playfully, as if she had never scolded me.
-Right. Good choice, my tiny and precious Lee. It would be best if you wore something red.
* * *
I stood in the corner of the elevator, clutching a heavy briefcase to my chest. To avoid the people crowding in, I leaned the back of my head against the recessed corner. I couldn’t bring myself to wear red clothes to work, so I wore a red tie, but even that felt too flashy.
Because I was short, I had no choice but to look up at the sea of backs of heads in front of me. The elevator display showed the 51st floor in red letters, and the chime rang. People poured out, leaving a decent amount of space inside.
Before I knew it, the panel pointed to the 71st floor. Now, there were almost no people left in the elevator. The buttons on the dashboard ended at the 71st floor.
The final chime rang, and four men stepped out of the elevator. I followed them out.
The wide lobby was covered in red velvet, and at the end of it stood four large guards. Wearing black sunglasses, they all had earpieces in. I involuntarily swallowed hard at the men’s bleak expressions. A beautiful secretary wearing red lipstick, sitting at the desk, asked for the purpose of my visit.
“My name is Ain Lee. I have a scheduled appointment in the reception room on the 76th floor.”
After confirming my name on the list, she pointed to the gate opposite. Only after tagging my employee ID and undergoing a body search was I allowed to pass through the gate.
After transferring elevators once more, I arrived at the top floor. Even the warm, softly lit lighting could not dispel the chilly silence of the hallway. I walked for a long time on the roll carpet of the corridor, which swallowed all the sound of my footsteps. At the end, a massive, classical-style door awaited me, looking as if it led to another dimension.
Even as I knocked on the door, I still couldn’t believe it. It seemed impossible for Santa Claus to actually exist, and I couldn’t shake the suspicion that Regina had played a cruel prank on me.
The content of the email Regina had sent was nothing short of astonishing. It was a story about ‘Santa Claus,’ a cliché subject that would only appear in a year-end family movie. The most important client of Gentence was Santa Claus, who lived on the coast of the Arctic Ocean, and his eldest son, Hakan Clause, was in charge of the distribution of toys for children in certain regions of the United States.
Santa Claus, known simply as a character from fairy tales, was a real person. It was said that he was unofficially a billionaire, with assets dozens of times greater than Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos.
That wasn’t the only surprising thing. Those dressed as Santa Claus, secretly placing gifts in the red stockings of children worldwide, were civil servants working for the Clause family along the coasts of the Arctic and Baltic Seas. It remained unclear whether Santa Claus and these civil servants were human or non-human entities, but because it was a sacrosanct domain, the secret was maintained under the tacit agreement of the media and government-affiliated organizations. However, the generally accepted fact was that those with the blood of the Clause family lived lives nearly immortal, like gods.
This fact was one of the immense secrets that the CIA did not report to Congress, and the only people who knew were government officials at the ministerial level, executives of major media outlets, the founder of Gentence, and a few executives from toy companies.
Of course, there was also me, who had somehow been dragged in by my boss and brought close to this enormous secret. However, even after seeing the transaction history of the Clause family with Gentence since its founding, I simply couldn’t believe it.
But I was about to encounter the evidence.
The door opened silently. Through the floor-to-ceiling glass of the sky lounge, I could see the luxury shops lining Fifth Avenue and Central Park covered in snow in the distance.
But before that, what caught my eye was the backlit silhouette of a tall, slender man. I, the most realistic person of all, was facing an unreality more romantic than anything. Just as he turned around, I tried to open my mouth, but I froze stupidly.
The man looked to be in his late twenties or early thirties. He looked much younger than I had expected. His skin was a light tan, and his hair was a dark blonde with streaks of brown mixed in. In contrast, his eyes were gray, without a hint of brown. A dark shadow fell over the gray pupils due to the abundance of long, curled eyelashes.
As the man looked at me with deep, soulful eyes, my heart wavered completely. Or perhaps I was intimidated by his perfect appearance.
He was so handsome that I forgot what to say.
“Ain Lee?”
The man called my name with a wary expression. Even his voice was incredible. But a question soon followed. How did he know my name? Had he been tipped off that the person in charge had changed?
“I asked if you’re Ain Lee.”
The man asked once more. The way he sharply furrowed his brow was stunning. I felt as if I were floating in mid-air. Although I should have greeted him and introduced myself, I couldn’t escape the feeling of being overwhelmed. A thin moan escaped from my parched throat, shocked by his magnificent looks.
No, get a grip!
I almost slapped my own cheek unconsciously, but thanks to my reason finally starting to function, I managed to extend my hand awkwardly toward the man instead.
“Yes. That’s correct. It’s… it’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Hakan Clause.”
Hakan Clause stared down at my politely extended hand for a long time before finally meeting my eyes. His brow narrowed slightly. He let out a hum, a sigh, and then smirked.
“I know that look.”
“…Pardon?”
“That’s the expression people make when they’re admiring my looks.”
Clause looked down at me with a gaze mixed with ridicule.
“Breathe.”
Having been holding my breath, I blushed, feeling caught. He was right, but it felt obnoxious that he would openly state how handsome he was. Sitting on the sofa in the middle of the room, he gestured with his chin to the seat opposite him.
“Sit.”
I had ruined my first impression, but I couldn’t afford to ruin the job. However, now that I was about to speak, I didn’t know what to say.
“My name is Ain Lee.”
“I know.”
He crossed his arms and sighed.
“I already knew, which is why I said your name as soon as I saw you.”
“I heard that the person in charge had chan— ugh!”
Just as I was about to nod lightly, I let out a cry, startled by a damp breeze against my ear. Where the sound of sniffing came from, there was a large reindeer wearing sunglasses.
“Aaah!”
The reindeer shoved its head toward me and continued to sniff. Its damp, large nose touched my neck, and I recoiled in a panic as if I were under attack, curling up into the corner of the sofa.
“Rudolph, come here.”
Clause flicked his hand toward the reindeer. The reindeer snorted at the trembling me and walked haughtily back to the man’s side.
“No need to be so surprised.”
He looked at me sternly as if reprimanding me, then gently stroked the reindeer’s back. Like a light bulb turning on, the reindeer’s nose glowed a bright red.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, a very shiny nose!
A line from the song suddenly popped into my head, and my mouth fell open. That wasn’t the only surprising thing. The sunglasses the reindeer wore appeared to be custom-made to fit the size of its head. On the frames of the sunglasses, a glittering Versace logo was embedded in diamonds.
“Where did Regina Eglinton go, and why did such a clueless manager come instead?”
A clueless manager! I may have acted pathetic, but there was no need to embarrass the person right in front of him. However, I couldn’t voice my dissatisfaction.
“Regina is on a business trip to Finland, so I have been appointed as the brand manager for the new Gentence H-Q12 this year. Let me introduce myself again. I am Ain Lee. I look forward to working with you.”
I deliberately kept my gaze on the bridge of the man’s nose. It was because I was reluctant to meet his deep eyes. This wasn’t a situation where my heart should be fluttering over a handsome client, yet I kept swallowing hard. It was a bad omen.
Trying my best to ignore the presence of the handsome man and the reindeer the size of a pickup truck, I quickly pulled the game console out of my bag.
“I recommend this new product. The model name is Gentence H-Q12; it’s a console game system that took the number one market share in the world’s three largest markets in the second half of the year.”
He spoke while stroking the bridge of the reindeer’s nose as it tossed its head irritably.
“Seems so. I heard kids are only going to be looking for this one this year.”
“Not only children, but people of all ages love it. The Clause family requested a quote for 300,000 units of the new Gentence product from the headquarters last week. You also inquired about the production period; although the timeframe is tight, we believe we can meet the volume faster than our competitors. Because the market response to the new Gentence H-Q12 has been so positive, there were difficulties securing stock within the US, but we have secured a new operating line in Vietnam…”
“Stop. I get it.”
Waving his hand as if bored, the man fumbled for something from his waist. It was a high-end protein supplement.
“Damn, what a temper.”
He clicked his tongue and fed a protein supplement that looked like a chocolate bar to the reindeer. Then, he turned his head toward me as I stared blankly at the entire scene.
Pulling a thick, long cigar from the inner pocket of his clothes, he clipped the end with a jackknife and lit it. He took deep, heavy drags of the pungent smoke and leaned the back of his head against the plush backrest of the sofa. His eyes, appearing narrower as he tilted his head up, scanned me slowly as if searching for something. My hands, gripping my knees tightly, grew damp with tension.
I wondered what on earth I should say to a client who had made it clear he had no interest in hearing product descriptions.
‘The reindeer’s nose is very sparkly.’
‘Is there really a Santa Claus village in the North Pole?’
‘How does Santa Claus deliver presents to houses without chimneys?’
Many things came to mind, but according to the email Regi had sent, Hakan Clause did not welcome any curiosity regarding Christmas, nor anything related to his family.
He didn’t want a formal conversation, yet he was a titan who absolutely refused to answer personal questions. What was I supposed to say? Today’s weather? Politics? Or perhaps a favorite music genre?
Squinting one eye, he looked me up and down as if appraising a piece of art, and then spoke.
“You’re pretty.”
He chewed over the words he had spoken, as if savoring the rich aftertaste of a strong dish. Keeping his gaze firmly fixed on my face, he studied me carefully and added,
“Seeing you in the light… you really are even prettier.”
Prettier in the light? Did that mean he had seen me in the dark before?
However, in the mental archive where I collected and stored handsome men, there was not a single shred of data regarding the shocking beauty before me. This was our first meeting. Moreover, his expression of appraising my looks was utterly grating.
Calling me pretty. It wasn’t a welcome compliment, but since I needed to win Clause’s favor, I had no choice but to give a mindless smile.
“Th-thank you. I’ve never heard that before.”
“I doubt that.”
“Excuse me?”
He stared at me blankly while continuing to puff on his cigar. There was a glimmer of interest in his eyes. I knew he was churning some amusing thought in his head. He looked as if he had something to say, but the topic he actually brought up was in a completely different direction than I expected.
“Good choice of tie.”
“Ah… this?”
“Red suits you.”
“It suits you too, Mr. Clause.”
I pointed to the red-wine colored shirt he was wearing. With three buttons undone, his collarbones were fully exposed, and his shirt was riddled with creases. It was the kind of carefree attire worn by someone who didn’t have to care about others in the slightest. Furthermore, he hadn’t even shaved properly.
The man, still puffing on his cigar, looked down at his shirt and spoke.
“A damn family trait.”
He let out a coarse laugh that felt almost vulgar and stroked his prickly stubble.
“I go crazy whenever I see the color red.”
He continued.
“Ignorant fools prattle on about how an illustrator named Sundle-dome created the image of Santa Claus, but not at all. My father is truly obsessed with that damn red. I’m no different.”
With a smirk, he picked up the console game sitting in front of me.
“As you know.”
“Pardon?”
“Zentence’s products tend to have a higher unit price compared to other companies. Moreover, the contents of the quote sent this time were quite lacking. I felt it wasn’t specific enough to serve as a basis for the final price. In short, it felt insincere. Just because Zentence bought products last year doesn’t guarantee the same for this year, does it? What do you think? I want to ask what on earth Zentence was thinking when they handled the work like that. They even left open the possibility of additional charges depending on raw material procurement. Did the CEO see that and still approve it?”
He snapped coldly with a sarcastic tone.
“P-probably.”
Words didn’t come to me quickly. How could a regular employee like me know the CEO’s thoughts? Even my boss, Regi, probably wouldn’t know. Did he want to hear that there would be no additional charges for raw materials? However, it was a matter I couldn’t decide on my own authority.
But I couldn’t just let the situation slide.
“Since it’s not a matter I can easily decide with my current authority, after consulting with the relevant department…”
“Wait. What exactly is your authority?”
The man cut me off and asked with a serious expression. His tone was heavily laced with a sense of discrimination, the kind that categorizes people by rank. I realized I was in a place where I didn’t belong.
“I am a regular employee…”
“You revealed our existence to a regular employee?”
The man’s thick, distinct eyebrows furrowed. At his words, I forced my dry, parched lips to move.
“However, I will make every effort to ensure there are no shortcomings in the transaction with the Clause family. You don’t have to worry about leaks of secrets.”
“I’m not worried about that. If you went around talking, you’d obviously be treated as a lunatic. What I’m saying is, do I have to sit here dealing with a mere employee? And one who…”
Hmph. He gave a light snort and scanned me up and down.
One new fact learned today: Hakan Clause, the son of Santa Claus, was a classist. It was becoming difficult to maintain a smile under his arrogant gaze, but I struggled to keep it.
“If my title bothers you, I will arrange a meeting with the previous representative.”
It was my first time being rejected so openly to my face during a client meeting, and I was simply flustered. As the silence stretched, I felt anxious and tried to maintain my smile while taking out my tablet.
But he just stared at me without any particular expression. His gray eyes searched me with an obsessive and persistent intensity.
“Is there… some problem?”
“None.”
“Then… may I continue with the meeting…?”
“Forget it.”
I eventually bit my dry lower lip slowly. I couldn’t tell what Mr. Clause was dissatisfied with to be acting so temperamental.
Regardless of his whims, I had to do my job. However, the conversation flowed in a direction completely opposite to my desperate wishes.
Crushing the half-burnt cigar into a crystal ashtray, he asked.
“What wish are you going to make this Christmas?”
Why was this man suddenly curious about that? I recalled the wish I had made last dawn.
Please let me spend a night with a sexy, handsome, charismatic man.
There was no way he could have checked the wish I put in my stocking, but as someone who had written letters filled with lewd delusions every year, I couldn’t help but feel a prick of guilt.
“I don’t have any wishes I want to make for Christmas.”
The man crossed his legs and spoke with a dissatisfied expression.
“I doubt that.”
“Because I’m not a child.”
“Can’t you make a wish on Christmas if you’re not a child? We never made such a law. Tell me. Who knows? Your wish might come true.”
Are you going to grant my wish? I wanted to snap back at him in a sarcastic tone, but the words that left my mouth were very polite.
“Then… I’d like to make this wish. I hope to have a Christmas without overtime this year. I’ve always been busy at the end of the year.”
“That’s it?”
“My wishes are always that simple.”
“…Is that so?”
He stared intently at my face without even blinking. I read distrust in his eyes. Feeling intimidated, I slowly lowered my gaze.
“What a bland wish.”
With a low snort, he tapped the bridge of the reindeer’s nose like he was playing a piano. As I glanced at the reindeer’s red nose, which looked like it would make a ‘pop’ sound if pressed, he suddenly reached out to me.
“But from what I know.”
He lightly pinched my cheek. When I looked at his face with wide eyes, the warm touch was withdrawn. What is this man doing? While I stood there speechless in bewilderment, he spoke.
“I don’t think that was your wish.”
Despite his rudeness and inscrutable intentions, I couldn’t show any reaction. Looking down at my lips, which were losing their smile and growing stiff, he leaned his waist over the table and came closer. He observed me from right in front of my face, as if inspecting something very rare.
“The you that I remember.”
The me he remembers?
“Was always consistent.”
Always consistent?
I searched through the data of handsome men in my memory once more, shaking it all out, but Clause’s face was still not there. Overwhelmed by his sharp aura, I couldn’t even breathe properly. His unshaven, prickly skin brushed against my cheek, and his breath lingered by my ear.
Due to the sudden contact, I could no longer smile. He whispered.
“What was last year’s Christmas wish… again. Hmm, it was ‘I want to be forcibly tied up and have sex like animals throughout Christmas,’ wasn’t it?”
* * *
I stepped out of the shower, drenched as if I had been blasted with full-body steam after a workout. Since stress-inducing situations were scattered everywhere, exercise was my only relief.
Standing before the mirror in the furthest corner, I timidly checked the muscle condition of my body. On my flat lower abdomen, very shallow vertical lines were etched. Even though I had clung to post-work exercise for a whole month, chocolate-like abs didn’t appear. Because I had a small frame and a constitution where muscles didn’t build easily even with exercise, maintaining this level of muscle required effort.
A man who walked up diagonally behind me sat on a chair with his legs wide open and strapped a Rolex watch to his hair-covered wrist. I sighed, comparing the hairy horse-like muscles in the mirror to my own meager physique.
Even though it was past ten in the evening, the streets were crowded. A Christmas bus carrying tourists stood in front of the car. It was a tour bus designed to showcase street performances to tourists. I stared at a dancer b-boying on the road and let go of the steering wheel. It seemed the gridlocked traffic wouldn’t clear for a while.
As I listened blankly to the music with a strong beat, Hakan Clause’s voice seeped through the gaps in my thoughts.
‘I want to be forcibly tied up and have sex like animals throughout Christmas, wasn’t it.’
A feeling of madness surged, as if I had returned to that moment. I wanted to scream, slam the horn, and writhe in agony.
I don’t know in what state of mind I finished that meeting. Clause knew who I was and what wishes I had made, yet he mocked me. I thought the actual existence of Santa Claus was a separate issue from me, but it wasn’t.
He had been peeking at my lewd wishes all this time.
How much must he have enjoyed himself internally, calculating the perfect moment to deliver the final blow? At the moment the meeting ended, I felt only shame and embarrassment, but as time passed, a variety of emotions began to jab at me. Anger, a sense of injustice, and hatred toward Clause filled my heart.
I remember very clearly the first time I made a wish rather than wanting a gift for Christmas.
My parents in Baltimore owned several apartment buildings and earned rent from tenants. Since I was five years old, they had managed the apartments and continued to receive monthly rent, so my family was quite well-off.
Among the tenants, there was a handsome foreign older boy who played well with me when I was only ten. He stayed in the US for a year before returning to his home country; thinking back now, he wasn’t playing with me, but simply soaking in the public pool to escape the scorching midday heat.
Coming from a cold country, he found the heat of Baltimore particularly grueling. In the afternoons when it got hot, he would dive into the water wearing red swim trunks to escape the heat. The deep blue pool tiles, his red swim trunks, and the pure white splashes of water that rose every time he kicked are still vivid memories.
As a child, I think I felt a flutter of excitement toward the handsome boy. Rather than hanging out with immature kids my age, I chose to spend time with him. He was the only resident using the public pool who taught me how to swim.
In my young heart, I wanted to marry the kind boy, and I harbored a fervent desire for him to kiss my cheek. So, for my Christmas wish, I wished for his kiss.
And surprisingly, that wish came true. On Christmas Day, no less. Suddenly, he ruffled my hair wildly and showered my cheek with kisses. A Christmas miracle had happened.
After that, instead of gifts I wanted, I began writing secret desires that I couldn’t tell anyone in my Christmas stockings.
Of course, Santa Claus never granted my wishes after that. But perhaps because of that intense first memory, I confessed my secret fantasies to Santa every year.
After puberty, my wishes became explicit. Writing letters to Santa Claus aroused me far more than having erotic chats. Among them, the most vulgar fantasy was the wish I made around the age of twenty-two.
‘Please let me spread my legs among several breathtakingly handsome and well-built men. I want to lose my mind while receiving dicks from the front and back from men who treat me recklessly.’
And yet, Santa Claus—more accurately, Santa Claus’s eldest son—had been reviewing all those wishes.
It was maddening. Even if he despised me, I had nothing to say.
“Haa. I want to die.”
A sigh escaped me as I stared at the gridlocked road. I leaned my cheek against the car window, which was fogging up due to the temperature difference with the heater-warmed interior, and stared blankly at the road.
After the meeting with Clause, I seriously considered resigning. I guessed the contract would fail and Clause would expose my true nature, putting me in a very awkward position. Rather than being ridiculed as a perverted gay man who lost a top client because of past lewd fantasies, I felt that resigning voluntarily would be less miserable.
But contrary to my expectations, the contract was finalized. Hakan Clause specifically sent the signed contract to me.
Furthermore, as a condition of the contract, he demanded that Ain Lee become the dedicated brand manager for Hakan Clause instead of Regi Eglton. He added a clause stating that if Ain Lee did not continue to attend to Hakan Clause’s delicate needs every Christmas season, he would no longer do business with Zentence.
In high school, there was a classmate who bullied me because I only hung out with girls. That burly, ugly guy used to harass me, calling me a ‘girl with balls’ or a ‘homo’ every chance he got. The image of those dim-witted bullies overlapped with the image of Santa Claus.
“He’s not planning to bully me by holding my weakness over me, is he?”
The only saving grace was that I wouldn’t have to see him again for a year until the next Christmas season.
“He definitely thinks I’m a pervert. He surely thinks it’s okay to bully me without guilt because I’m a lewd pervert.”
Anyway, meeting him again was a matter for a year from now. Thinking that I should diligently look for a new job in the meantime, I drove out of the road that had finally begun to clear.
* * *
When I returned home and opened the door, a large, black silhouette jumped out from the shadows.
“Gotcha!”
“Hey!”
Genuinely terrified, I screamed so loud that it echoed through the hallway.
“I told you I hate pranks! Are you going to keep sneaking in? Give me your key.”
“No way.”
Jeff wrapped his long arms around me and hugged me tight. Lifting me up, Jeff closed the door and walked into the house. Because Jeff was so tall, I was practically dangling.
“As expected, you’re the perfect size to hold.”
His giggling voice was annoying. My mother, father, and Jeff were all tall like models, but in the Lee family, only I was small in both frame and stature. On days when all the relatives gathered, I often suffered from a sense of alienation, feeling like a tiny person dropped into a land of giants. Suddenly feeling grumpy, I wrapped my arms around his back and pinched the fat on his side.
“Ack!”
I glared with narrow eyes at Jeff as he noisily pulled away.
“What? Perfect size to hold? You think you’re special just because you’re tall? Get out right now!”
He laughed unabashedly and pretended to plead for forgiveness. Jeff lived with his girlfriend in a small studio in Soho, but whenever he fought with her and had nowhere to go, he would come to my house and stay for a night or more.
“Why did you guys fight today?”
“He says the food I made is terrible.”
“Well, it is.”
“Do you know how much effort I put into that! I’m staying right here until he apologizes.”
I stopped pulling on his tie and stared at him intently. Jeff, who had been smiling foolishly, scratched the back of his head and asked.
“What are you doing for Christmas? Working again this year?”
“Something like that.”
“Is your company just a disaster? Or are you volunteering to handle everything yourself?”
“Both.”
Even as I walked naked into the bathroom, Jeff followed along without a care. The reflection of the two brothers appeared in the half-length mirror. Despite all my hard work exercising, I looked pathetic standing next to his hulking frame.
“Oh, looks like you’ve been working out. Seeing how you’re taking care of your body, are you finally dating someone?”
“As if.”
Jeff looked at me as if he had expected that answer, then spoke in a lecturing tone.
“Are you not dating, or are you unable to?”
“I’m not interested.”
“Do you even have desires? Are you looking for someone to pin you down but can’t find anyone worthy, or is there just no one you want to pin down?”
I felt like my ears were rotting. After adjusting the water temperature, I pushed my brother’s back toward the door.
“I have no desire to discuss the state of your crotch.”
“What’s the big deal between two guys? You’re so conservative. A gay man being conservative—it’s really a mismatched combination.”
I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Shut up!”
Irritated, I kicked the guy—who was a full head taller than me—out of the bathroom.