By Zephyria 
“Hyung.”
“Yeah.”
“So, what you’re saying is that you’re afraid of how your friends would react if you stopped hiding it and just showed them. That they’d be disappointed, or ostracize you… or something like that.”
The point was slightly different, but since the general gist was correct, Eun-ha nodded for now. Yeon-jun remained silent for a moment as if organizing his thoughts, then met his eyes. He spoke with a vague smile, as if finding it somewhat difficult to understand.
“But… if those are the kinds of relationships that would break or drift apart for a reason like that, doesn’t that mean they weren’t worth the amount of heart you’ve put into them in the first place?”
“…….”
“And I don’t think you’re unaware of that.”
“…….”
He meant that if even he, a complete stranger, could reach such a conclusion so quickly, there was no way Eun-ha, who had been close with those people for years, wouldn’t know.
Eun-ha quietly inhaled. It felt as if a truth buried deep within him had been stripped bare.
In the conscious silence, those pitch-black eyes steadily held his gaze.
“It’s the opposite, right?”
“…….”
“You’re actually afraid that they’ll accept everything. That’s why you don’t know where or how to start telling them.”
“…….”
“Though I don’t know why that would be scary.”
“…….”
“Ah—. Actually, I think I might understand a little.”
As if remembering something belatedly, Yeon-jun’s eyes widened slightly, and he gazed at Eun-ha in silence for a while with a hint of amusement in his eyes. Then, he slowly began to let a bit of reproach seep in. A playful kind of reproach.
An expression that said, What on earth am I going to do with this hyung…
“Hyung.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve figured out one of your bad habits for sure.”
“…What, what is it….”
“I think you always have a tendency to treat yourself like a piece of dust scattered on the roadside—something completely useless and worthless.”
His tone was cool and relaxed, and his expression was gentle.
And at the same time, it was a summary that hit the mark so precisely it felt painful.
Eun-ha blinked a few times. Then, in an instant, his expression vanished into a sudden wave of helplessness, and he muttered. Faintly, without energy. Like someone who had been completely exposed and had lost the will to resist.
“You’re right about that……”
Once he admitted it, Yeon-jun let out a laugh, openly finding it amusing. What on earth was so funny…
“Hyung.”
“…What. Why….”
Why does he keep calling me hyung? Why does he keep calling me that… Just as Eun-ha was vaguely wondering, an arm wrapped tightly around his waist. He was pulled deep into the other’s embrace.
Buried tightly without a single gap, Eun-ha just went limp. The warm sensation of the cozy embrace was so comforting that as he stayed tucked away quietly, a low voice tickled his ear.
“Then why are those people friends with you?”
“I wouldn’t know that……”
“It’s because you’re a person worth being friends with, obviously.”
Eun-ha didn’t answer. As if clinging to a belated bit of stubbornness.
Yeon-jun slowly patted Eun-ha’s waist and hip area with his hand. As if soothing him.
Who’s soothing whom…
“So, it’ll be okay.”
“…….”
“Have a good trip.”
“…….”
Don’t worry. The low voice seeping into his eardrums was like a lullaby.
Whether these words were the correct answer, well. He didn’t know. Perhaps reality would be the exact opposite. Something not okay at all might happen, and the trip might end up being a disaster…
And yet, despite that, a cool breeze circulated in his chest as if his breathing had finally opened up. His mind cleared, and a wave of relief washed over him. As if Yeon-jun’s words were an answer without a single flaw.
Before long, a sleep as deep as sanctuary poured over him.
* * *
It was a few days later. A weekday morning, about three days before the trip. As usual, Eun-ha stood before the counter, looking out the window at the drizzling rain with a troubled expression. His mood was as gloomy as the weather. It was because an unwanted schedule had suddenly been set. The catalyst was a phone call from Mom the previous evening.
Contact itself was a regular occurrence. He was, in every sense of the word, a son who received an abundance of love.
Mom’s affection and interest toward her children were things that had to be acknowledged, whether he wanted to or not. Thus, while Eun-ha found Mom’s contact tiring, he couldn’t truly ignore her or hate her with all his heart. She was ‘Mom,’ after all; how could he?
This was especially true since this call had come after a very long time. A few months ago, he had flatly rejected a blind date arranged through Gu Hae-bin, which had deeply offended Mom, leading to a period of total silence.
After hesitating, he had eventually picked up. He did so even though he knew he would be stressed. Even though he had intuited exactly what the purpose of the call was the moment he saw the caller ID.
It had suddenly occurred to him that it had been too long since he’d heard her voice.
And after the formal greetings, Mom’s business was ‘exactly as expected.’ She had found a perfect blind date that would never come around again, so he should just show his face, regardless of whether it ended in success or failure.
It was a truly predictable story. A pattern that didn’t change to the point of boredom.
However, if there was one thing different from usual, it was that a condition was attached to it.
Are you going to keep acting like this?
‘I’m not “keeping” on doing anything, Mom.’
If you keep this up until the end, I won’t have a choice.
‘About what?’
I’m thinking of confiscating your cards and clearing out your room in your house.
‘…….’
What’s so lovely about a son who won’t grant a single request of his mother that I should feel like continuing to support him? Don’t you agree?
Her voice was adamant, as if she had firmly made up her mind. At the threat that wasn’t quite a threat, Eun-ha had to gasp as if he’d been caught off guard. Because he might lose all his financial means overnight and end up on the street?
No. That part was fine. Money wasn’t an issue. It was true he was living on Mom’s cards, but that didn’t mean he had no money of his own. He had simply used them as naturally as air because he was used to it; there was nothing that would hinder his survival even without Mom’s cards.
But the house… that might be a problem. Again, the house itself wasn’t the issue. The officetel he was currently staying in was in Eun-ha’s name, so what could possibly be the problem?
However, the things inside it were definitely a problem.
Everything inside the house that he had left untouched because he didn’t even know where to start, and didn’t have the courage to face.
Eun-ha.
‘……Yes.’
Really, how much longer are you going to live like this? Do you want to see me die?
‘…No, what do you mean, die? Why are you suddenly saying such unlucky things….’
I’m saying this because I feel like I’m actually going to develop some kind of illness! Huh? My insides are so festered and burst that it wouldn’t be strange if I told you I had some disease.
Though Mom had always been angry at Eun-ha for his nature of not liking—and being unable to like—women, this time she sounded particularly filled with resentment. Somehow, she also sounded desperate…
Perhaps she had heard some news from people around her that made her feel impatient.