By Zephyria 
“……That’s.”
Eun-ha snapped his eyelids open. He looked caught off guard, a flicker of panic evident in his constricted pupils. Yeon-jun, easily reading the rapid reaction, countered lightly.
“That’s what?”
“…….”
“Are you saying it’s not true?”
He tilted his head with a hint of playfulness, like someone peering in to tease. Eun-ha felt something deep in his chest crumple helplessly. He hated this side of the boy. He would have preferred it if he had just turned cold and gotten angry. He would have preferred it if he had questioned and interrogated him.
He knew Yeon-jun was acting lighthearted on purpose, mindful of the sinking mood. He was doing it for Eun-ha, knowing he would be uncomfortable in a heavy atmosphere.
He hated that thoughtful heart. And the reason he hated it was that he didn’t actually hate it at all.
Every time you’re like this, I keep…….
“…….”
His lips parted several times. What should he say? What could he possibly say? Even with ten mouths, it would be impossible. Yeon-jun, noticing that Eun-ha was unable to react and was only growing paler, looked troubled, as if he hadn’t considered the effect.
“Ah. I didn’t say that to blame you or anything. I knew from the start when we met—”
“……If you knew, why did you meet me…….”
“…I’ve never once… had any regrets…?”
“Why the hell would you not have regrets…….”
“…….”
“Are you actually a pushover……?”
At the wavering reproach, Yeon-jun let out a long, drawn-out “Hmm.”
Soon, a searching gaze landed on him. Leaving that gaze—which seemed to be gauging the current—behind, Eun-ha leaned his elbows on the edge of the table and hung his head low. Like a man in despair. He pressed his palm firmly against his forehead. He felt a surge of crisis, as if some part of his body would simply explode if he didn’t disperse the internal pressure somewhere.
Eun-ha tended to evaluate himself as someone distant from emotion. In fact, he had often been described by those around him as dry. To put it nicely, he was like that; to put it bluntly, he had a somewhat rude and indifferent personality. No matter the situation, he was always the same.
Since he was young, his emotional range had never been wide. By nature, he was lethargic and placid. He was the type whose head froze cold rather than burned hot when anger or resentment flared.
Because of this temperament, he rarely cried unless it was extreme. It was also because he grew up in a household that prioritized saving face. When his emotions were triggered, his insides tended to sink coldly instead. Even during the peak of his conflict with his father, he had never once shown a tear.
Though there was a period when he cried to the point of dehydration because of Kim Ji-woon, he counted that as an exception since it mostly happened while he was out of his mind, as if possessed.
It meant he had virtually no immunity to the sight of himself shedding tears.
So, he took a slow, deep breath. He didn’t want to cry and lose his dignity. To avoid falling to the absolute worst of the worst, he suppressed everything and managed to open his mouth. He wanted to tell Yeon-jun that if he was finished eating, they should leave. That there were eyes watching here, so they should move to another location. That he wanted to talk again after having some time to think calmly.
However, his throat had tightened up at some point, making it impossible to speak at length, and he felt as if emotions would burst out of him the moment he spoke. Consequently, the final result was a completely hopeless, bratty response: “I’m leaving…….”
Ah, fuck……. Having blurted it out, Eun-ha turned pale and stood up with a look of utter defeat. He walked away, his steps somewhat unsteady. It was the worst.
Outside, the summer heat was at its peak. Two in the afternoon. The moment he was exposed to the merciless direct sunlight, he remembered he had left his hat in the restaurant, but he had no desire to go back. He was so drained of energy that he had no room to spare for such things. He only wanted to go home.
It was just as he was quietly frowning at the stinging sunlight. He felt the footsteps following him suddenly pick up speed. After just a couple of steps, Yeon-jun easily caught up to him and stepped in front of him with a thud. He pivoted half a turn and reached out.
Eun-ha looked up. In his shadowed vision, he saw two eyes staring straight at him. While maintaining eye contact, the man pressed a hat firmly onto Eun-ha’s head and gave a squinty-eyed smile. A smile brimming with youthful innocence.
Feeling his stomach churn rapidly, Eun-ha hurriedly pulled the brim of the hat down. He hurried his pace, pressing his chin down.
“Don’t do things like this…….”
“Why?”
Because, every time you do this…….
Eun-ha swallowed his words. Because every time he spoke, he felt like something was about to surge out.
He focused on walking, forcing his mind to go blank. Thanks to his vow of silence, the way home was quiet. One person walking listlessly and slowly as if dizzy, and another walking leisurely beside him, shoulder to shoulder.
Then, at a certain moment, Eun-ha looked sideways with deeply gloomy eyes. It was because he could hear the sound of occasional, light chuckles from beside him.
“Why do you keep… laughing…….”
“No… it’s just that it feels so real.”
“…….”
“Hyung.”
“…….”
“Do you really like me now?”
The voice was overflowing with joy. They were crossing a playground in a neighborhood alley. Like someone who had been pierced through, Eun-ha came to a dead stop. He felt the noisy voices of children playing in the distance scatter faintly past his ears.
He thought it was a question fraught with contradictions. Thus, he wanted to make an excuse. That there seemed to be a misunderstanding.
That while he hadn’t felt the same way as you, it wasn’t that he didn’t like you. How could he have dated you without liking you?
The sentences that surged up dangled at the tip of his tongue, but they were never uttered. Because he knew they were nothing more than excuses. And finally.
Eun-ha, his composure crumbling, nodded.
He did. To a frightening degree. He had come to like him so much that he wondered if this was okay, to the point where the urge to run away surged at any moment. And, to the point where he didn’t know what to do with his guilt.
Since he had decided to try ‘dating,’ he had been willing to form an attachment to the other person and intended to put in the effort, but he hadn’t known he would come to like him this sincerely, more than necessary, to the point where it became unclear if he could handle it. That was why his insides were churning so violently. Self-loathing, fear, guilt… all sorts of emotions were swirling.
Yeon-jun met his eyes and gave a faint smile. As if it stung a little.
“Then don’t say you want to break up.”
“…….”
“I was really upset.”
It was a voice containing a sliver of resentment and a great deal of tenderness. He couldn’t help the hot lump that surged up rapidly. Unable to hold back the rising emotion any longer, Eun-ha burst into tears. The droplets clinging to the corners of his eyes surpassed their limit and tumbled down. Yeon-jun looked at Eun-ha, who had begun to cry silently, and smiled—partly with pity, but partly as if he felt good. As if making him cry like this was his own form of revenge.
Eun-ha covered his face with both hands. Without any room to save face, he wailed.
“I’m saying I’ll let you go because I like you, you idiot…….”
“If you like me, you should hold on, why let me go?”
“You’re kicking away your own luck right now…….”
Do you know? Do you know what a stupid choice you’re making right now? I don’t understand why you keep doing this to me. Why are you doing business where you only take losses? Why is a person like this…….
Then, he squeezed out his voice sorrowfully. That it wasn’t that he didn’t like him in the beginning. That really wasn’t the case…….
In the bright midday, children began to gather around in small groups, curious about the sight of a grown man wailing in the middle of a playground. Mister, what happened? Why is an adult crying? Why are you fighting? Did you hit him? Did you get hit? Are you hurt somewhere? Uh, Mom. I’m playing with Kyung-wook right now. A fight suddenly broke out here…….
The mischievous words rained down from all sides; it was a complete chaotic mess. Amidst the heat in his chest, the absurdity of it made him let out intermittent snickers. Then, he let out a hollow laugh at the sight of Yeon-jun working hard to distract the children, looking troubled. Yeah. It’s nothing, kids. This Hyung isn’t hurt…. We didn’t fight either. How could I hit this Hyung?
“Why not! It looks like Hyung would win!”
“You’re the one who made him cry!”
It was absurd to see a kid soothing other kids.
The most absurd thing of all was himself, the oldest of them all, crying so pathetically.
After calming the commotion for a while, Yeon-jun eventually let out a hollow laugh, letting his arms hang limp as if giving up. Then, as if satisfied that they had seen enough, he approached with a crinkle of his nose. Standing close, he tilted his head to examine him carefully, asked if he was okay, and whispered sweet words while massaging his shoulders and arms.
That he knows too. So don’t feel sorry. That’s why Hyung is crying right now, isn’t it? That because Hyung keeps crying, he feels like he might cry too…….
Eun-ha laughed like a cough. Then, he continued to shed tears without any sign of stopping. For a very long time. Thinking that this was undoubtedly revenge.