By Zephyria 
A person looking like a dying wreck, unable to pull themselves together in the house where they lived with an ex-lover. He was in a position where he wouldn’t have been able to say a word even if he were immediately disqualified. Normally, one should at least offer a single word of protest. Yet, all that was visible was such a worried attitude. A face completely distraught over something that wasn’t even his own business. The sight of him falling into self-reproach.
“I’m not angry, so how can I be?”
“That’s exactly what’s strange about this…”
What do you mean, sorry? How can you even say that. Are you a pushover or what? If you give everything away like that, you’re the only one who loses…
Various complaints surfaced and then scattered in an instant. As if to smooth over the sunken atmosphere, Eun-ha let out a faint, dry laugh and lowered his gaze. As he let the corners of his mouth, which he had forced upward, drop back down and sluggishly continued the interrupted packing, a desperate feeling surged within him once again.
The desire to ruin everything and run away anywhere.
It wasn’t the first time. While living his daily life, such impulses would occasionally temper his heart. It usually happened when Yeon-jun showed kindness out of habit. Whenever Yeon-jun didn’t even realize what he had done, whenever he took such things for granted, whenever he radiated the aura of someone who had been loved and raised well, whenever he gave of himself recklessly and acted with endless devotion… he felt a sense of dislike. He knew it was an absurd thought, a mean and spiteful disposition. His mind recognized it, but he couldn’t help the impulse to push him away and distance himself.
He wished he wouldn’t do that; he wished he wouldn’t be so good to him. He didn’t want to get used to such things. He hated it. He really… really hated it.
Rather than literal hatred, it was closer to a rejection response. Or perhaps a warning sent by the brain. A danger signal sent for survival.
It’ll end eventually anyway. There will surely be a day when we break up.
When the day comes that I lose him in an instant again, I…
“….”
Ah. Eun-ha sighed like someone who had reached a realization. Suddenly letting out a dry breath, he frowned silently. He pressed his hand against the floor. The nausea grew so severe it felt as if the organs inside his body were about to be vomited up.
It was around the time the nausea reached an unbearable limit. A hand, which he didn’t know had approached, reached for his cheek. As he regained his senses and steadied his shaking vision, he saw Yeon-jun kneeling on one knee right beside him.
“Hyung.”
“….”
“Are you okay?”
The gaze looking into him was attentive. Like someone who felt that his condition was unusual.
Eun-ha looked at Yeon-jun with flickering eyes, like someone whose windpipe was being throttled. He shook his head inwardly. No. He didn’t think he was okay. He didn’t think he was okay in the slightest. At the same time, everything felt unbelievably surreal…
The fact that he had brought this boy here, the fact that they had laughed vacantly while joking around on the way. The way he had burst into laughter so often lately. The fact that he had let the boy into the deepest part of his daily life and spent over a month of time.
The fact that he had been dating so comfortably, thoughtlessly.
That it would be okay. That perhaps he could meet someone. That he could do it again. It was so unbelievable that the very thought of it felt ridiculous. It all felt like something that made no sense.
How dare I, how could I…
So, while it was sudden, it wasn’t a new conclusion. It was an impulse, but not a vain one. It felt as if he had spent his time carrying it in a corner of his heart all along. Every time the boy was kind, every time he wanted to step back while looking at him, every time he hated the boy.
Every time he actually didn’t hate him at all…
In truth, he knew this with his head as well. That his current state was not normal. That he had underestimated the past, thinking it was nothing and that he would be fine, only for his mental state to collapse in an instant. That he was paying a steep price for not being prepared.
That the ‘crazy disease’ Gu Hae-bin occasionally referred to had flared up.
However, Eun-ha eventually opened his mouth. Feeling thorns densely forming in his throat. With a mindset of recklessly slashing himself apart.
“Yeon-jun.”
“Yes.”
“Let’s break up.”
* * *
For the first time since opening, Eun-ha did not go to the cafe. He broke the promise to himself that he had stubbornly kept regardless of what happened or what natural disaster struck. He changed the password to his house and meticulously drew the curtains on every window of the officetel. In the blackout where no light reached, he slept for two full days straight. When he couldn’t fall asleep by force, he took sleep inducers until they were empty and drifted through unconsciousness like a dead person.
It was one evening after waking up. With a head emptied by excessive sleep, Eun-ha found his neglected phone, charged it, and stared blankly at the flood of missed calls that poured in as soon as he turned the power on. Most were contacts from friends, with a few promotional messages interspersed.
And there were no messages from Yeon-jun.
That day, after wearing an inscrutable expression, the boy had looked after Eun-ha without saying much. He told him to stop for today and go back. He took Eun-ha, who was in no state to continue packing, out of the house, personally put him in the car, and drove him back to the officetel. Then, leaving only a single word to rest well, he let Eun-ha go obediently.
They broke up.
On one hand, he had been worried that he might hurt him during the breakup process, but unexpectedly, it seemed to have ended cleanly. It was surprising, but regardless, it was a relief.
Looking down at the phone screen with a parched, dry face, Eun-ha calmly affirmed. Yes. This is right.
Since he isn’t at a stage where he likes him that much yet. So, before it’s too late…
The way to lose nothing was simple. He just had to gain nothing. So, this was right. He should have done this from the start. He shouldn’t have started it in the first place.
Above all, it was a relationship that offered nothing beneficial to Yeon-jun. No matter how he thought about it, the boy should not have met someone like him. There were far better and more beneficial options. Setting aside the issue of age.
Because he is such a wonderful kid.
Kind, sweet, always speaks beautifully, incredibly cute, and even while looking at him right in front of his eyes, he keeps wanting to see him, and it’s so great to be with him…
Compared to that, I am trash, an abnormal person who wasted their years, a half-baked human being…
“….”
After sitting for a long time with a lethargic expression, Eun-ha stood up from the sofa. He found the sleep inducers, popped two pills, and collapsed back onto the seat. He wanted to sleep a little more.
* * *
The next morning, he prepared to go outside. He was hungry since he had been sleeping the whole time, and staying shut in the house made him feel as if he were returning to some terrible past where he lived like a wreck.
He desperately wanted to see the sunlight. Thinking that human survival instincts are truly amazing and grotesque, he let the water hit him. He washed up roughly and pulled his hat down low. He left the officetel.