By Zephyria 
“I don’t think something like that could possibly be okay.”
At that blunt assessment, Eun-ha felt his throat tighten for a moment. He quietly recalled that time. It was before he had been kicked out of his house. Naturally, they were dating back then, but Eun-ha had never fully opened up to his partner about the conflicts with his parents or the worries he carried. He had mentioned them a few times when he was struggling, but eventually stopped. It was because whenever the conversation drifted in that direction, the other person acted as if they were slightly exhausted. Eun-ha had played the subordinate role in the relationship, constantly walking on eggshells. Naturally, he began to swallow more of his feelings. He felt hurt by it, but unable to say he was hurt, he chose to downplay the problems himself. Telling himself it was no big deal. That it was fine. As people often do to avoid being wounded, he ignored his own emotions.
As the deep inner parts of himself—the parts he wanted to keep buried forever—surfaced, Eun-ha felt a sudden, violent twist in his gut.
“I said I’m okay, so why—”
A defensive retort flew out instinctively. And the moment Eun-ha heard his own voice, which was nothing short of cold, he realized that the sharpness was inappropriate. Sigh… Letting out a sigh full of self-loathing, he rubbed his hair frantically against the bedsheets. He pulled the blanket covering his waist up to his shoulders.
“See. This is how I am…”
“…”
“You said you knew that too.”
“…”
“You said you knew I wasn’t normal. Then why do you like me?”
It wasn’t so much a question asked out of genuine curiosity, but rather something closer to an accusation. Why do you like me? Why did you come back? Why on earth did you make that choice? Those were the thoughts Eun-ha repeated to himself every chance he got.
“Since when is there a reason for liking someone?”
“…Not that kind of formal explanation.”
“It’s not formal; I mean it.”
“There’s nothing in this for you.”
“Who calculates and weighs things like that while dating?”
“There are plenty of people better than me…”
“Hyung.”
“…”
“Why do you keep talking about yourself like that?”
He felt the sign of someone shifting their body, and soon, Yeon-jun’s hand pressed firmly onto Eun-ha’s shoulder. As he was tilted back to lie flat on the bed, Yeon-jun came into view, looking down at him while propping up the side of Eun-ha’s head with one hand. He had an expression that looked as if he had a lot to say. Or perhaps an expression of not knowing where to even begin. Eun-ha simply looked up at him with hazy, unfocused eyes. Yeon-jun frowned slightly, then relaxed his brow and licked his lips once. Finally, with a thoughtful face, he spoke slowly.
“Looking for someone decent, weighing whether this person is better than that person, contacting someone even better… and then dating the most suitable partner found that way.”
“…”
“I’m not that desperate for a relationship.”
“…”
“And I’m an adult capable of making my own judgments. Even if I seem like a child to you, Hyung.”
A faint trace of a smile followed at the end. For some reason, it sounded self-deprecating. Yeon-jun looked down at the silent Eun-ha and reached out. He lightly brushed through the messy hair as if tidying it.
“It’s not that I want to be in a relationship; I just like you, Hyung.”
“…”
“Because I like you, I want to be with you.”
“…”
“I wish you’d understand the difference.”
Contrary to his straightforward tone, which felt almost resolute, the touch of his hand stroking and rummaging through the hair was nothing but gentle. Eun-ha was submerged in a mix of pleasure and dislike. He liked the tender stroking, but he hated himself for finding comfort in it at a time like this. What is it that I want?
“Why do you keep talking about yourself that way? That you’re pathetic.”
“…”
“Then what does that make me, the one who likes you?”
What else? Someone whose judgment is clouded by emotion, some weird, strange kid who likes a pathetic bastard…
But Eun-ha did not voice those thoughts. He felt that if he spoke them plainly, he would just end up getting another lecture.
He let out a dry sigh. He had tried to persuade the man who had returned as he pleased, only to push him into his arms and tie him up as he pleased, but it seemed that was a lost cause. Realizing that what he was doing now was no different from a useless struggle, Eun-ha lost his will to fight and turned his body. He turned toward Yeon-jun. Curling up like a shrimp, he aimlessly fiddled with somewhere on Yeon-jun’s knee with a slightly grumpy hand.
“…Because I feel like I only cause problems.”
He didn’t have the confidence that he wouldn’t do so in the future. When he imagined their relationship drifting away from the line of what is considered ‘normal,’ skepticism rose again.
“I really wanted to look good to you.”
“…”
“I wanted to be good to you…”
“You actually thought about that?”
“I thought about it… always…”
He had always made that resolution. From the moment they first started dating. But by this point, it was safe to say everything was ruined. Yeon-jun let out a small laugh from his throat and said nonchalantly:
“Then you can just put it into practice.”
“I’m doing this because it’s not as easy as it sounds…”
“What part is difficult?”
I wonder…
The fact that even now, a desire to run away somewhere still lingered in a corner of his heart.
Was it a desire to break up? He wasn’t sure about that. He wasn’t even sure what the root of this feeling was.
“What if I tell you?”
“I’ll cooperate so you can overcome it.”
“…Good grief.”
Eun-ha let out a powerless, hollow laugh at the surprisingly serious answer. His facial muscles relaxed faintly, but then the smile faded away again, and his pupils lost their focus.
“…What will you do if I ask to break up again?”
Yeon-jun paused for a moment. Then, he answered in an everyday tone, as if such a thing were no big deal to him.
“Then I’ll just hold onto you again.”
“…And if I ask to break up after that?”
“Then I’ll hold onto you again.”
“What if I do it a hundred times?”
“Then I’ll hold onto you a hundred times.”
“…You certainly have a way with words.”
“I mean it.”
Eun-ha glanced slightly at him for offering such an absurd promise. Yeon-jun met his gaze and smiled softly. He gently pulled Eun-ha’s head, which he had been fiddling with until then, toward himself. Pulled along helplessly, Eun-ha pressed his forehead against Yeon-jun’s knee. The voice dropped vertically.
“What are you so anxious about?”
What am I anxious about?
Feeling the warmth slowly rummaging through the back of his head, Eun-ha thought only to himself. Once might be possible.
Maybe it could happen twice more. Since you say you like me. Maybe it could happen a few more times.
But there is no way such a thing could truly happen a hundred times. If there was anxiety within him, that was likely it.
He recalled the first moment he was held back. He recalled the second moment he was held back. He vaguely imagined the moment he would be held back for the third time and squeezed his eyes shut. I want to sleep now. Hold me. When he spoke softly, Yeon-jun immediately adjusted his posture and wrapped his arms around him. Within the embrace that bound and pressed against his entire body, Eun-ha felt a deep sense of stability that almost stifled his heart, and he began to empty his mind. He tried to fall asleep. The dark curtain descended easily.