#032

In her very early childhood, so far back she couldn’t even remember, Adna suffered burns so severe that her face melted.

Her eyes turned white and blind, and pus constantly seeped from her skin.

Whenever someone looked at her and asked, “Doesn’t it hurt?” or “Isn’t it uncomfortable?” Adna would answer that it was not.

However, it was only in the year she turned fifteen, after the Altar of the ‘God of the Frozen Winter’ was burned down, that Adna realized.

‘I have been in pain and discomfort all this time.’

Adna thought as she touched her face, which no longer hurt even when stroked.

‘I didn’t know because I had never known a time when it didn’t hurt…’

Whenever people told her how pitiful she was, Adna thought to herself that they were speaking recklessly without knowing anything.

If I feel no misery, who is there to pity me?

‘But if the current me were to see a child in the same position I was back then, I would think they were a truly pitiful and miserable child.’

It was a strange feeling.

The past, which had simply been her ‘childhood,’ became a ‘terribly miserable childhood’ overnight.

Because she had never possessed it, she hadn’t known the discomfort of lacking it; the version of herself from those days had now become a strange stranger.

Looking into the mirror, Adna suddenly thought:

‘Even if I were to lose my sight again and my flesh were to melt away, I would not become the me of that time.’

One who has seen the light even once perceives the absence of light as ‘dark.’

To Adna, Order was light.

A world without Order had now become a terrible darkness she didn’t even want to imagine.

Having a face made her realize the horror of not having one.

By knowing what it meant not to be in pain, she realized the agony of suffering.

However, this did not mean that Adna was warmly accepted by other members of Order.

The Blessing of Healing had perfectly restored Adna’s melted skin and eyes, but it could not make her body accustomed to the movements of muscles she had never learned.

For Adna, even a trivial action like blinking her eyelids was an unfamiliar act that had to be performed consciously.

The resulting unnaturalness evoked a profound sense of discomfort in others.

‘Why does everyone dislike my face?’

Adna looked intently into the mirror, but the more she looked, the less she understood.

She simply came to hate her own face, just as others did.

Later, Tertius, upon learning of Adna’s past, explained the role of ‘facial expressions’ and told her the real reason people felt discomfort, but even knowing the reason, there was nothing she could change.

‘Even if I force an expression, people notice.’

A ‘facial expression’ created a beat too late, by moving each muscle individually, only brought about greater discomfort.

Each time she failed, Adna suddenly had a thought.

‘If I had been a child of Order who received Baptism from birth…’

Even if she had suffered terrible burns, she would have had the chance to heal quickly.

If so, would she have become an ‘ordinary’ person who could make expressions naturally?

They were all futile assumptions.

‘It is meaningless to dwell on things I cannot change.’

If she were to resent the Order Sect, asking why they hadn’t saved her sooner despite having been saved, how foolish and blasphemous would that be?

Therefore, Adna decided to simply accept it.

That she could not make expressions.

And that, because of it, she made others feel uncomfortable.

‘Let’s focus on what I can do.’

Fortunately, Adna had talent.

With that talent, Adna eventually became an apostle.

After becoming an apostle, she paid even less attention to her expressions.

Because no one felt discomfort toward an Apostle of Order.

That ‘apostles are beautiful’ was a truth and a law spoken by Loclem.

Even if Adna had no expression, even if she often forgot to blink, or even if she made an expression a beat too late or inappropriately, people perceived Adna as beautiful.

Because of this, now that she was alone with Fabio, who was not affected by such a law, Adna began to worry about her face for the first time in a long while.

‘…Should I call another apostle now?’

Knowing from years of experience that she was an unpleasant presence without the law of the apostle, she felt uneasy.

What if that person had a constitution that couldn’t even sense divine power?

‘There is no way to make up for it.’

Since even the Saintess’s ‘Consolation’ didn’t work, nothing Adna did would be of use.

At the very least, he seemed to feel a fondness for the Saintess’s appearance…

Adna glanced sideways at Fabio, who was following her.

‘I don’t know what he’s thinking.’

Seeing him make various expressions to himself, he seemed to be thinking hard about something, but Adna couldn’t guess what it was in the slightest.

Adna lacked talent not only in making expressions but also in reading the expressions of others.

If she were with the Saintess or the Sixth Apostle, who could see emotions as colors, she could just ask via telepathy…

‘…Still, I can at least tell when someone is crying.’

Looking at him earlier, this man named Fabio seemed to shed tears when he was scared.

‘If my face is too unpleasant… he’ll cry.’

Thinking this, Adna decided to do her best to finish the task given to her as quickly as possible.

At that time, Adna did not yet know.

How the conversation she shared with Fabio that day—a conversation that could by no means be called long—would affect her.

* * *

“U-um, since I haven’t received the Blessing of Order and can’t even detect divine power, I don’t know what others see when they look at Apostle Adna, but…”

…What others see?

They see an ‘apostle’ in me.

Apostles are beautiful beings.

However, that does not mean that Adna herself is beautiful.

No matter who became the Fifth Apostle, people would show exactly the same reaction.

And the only person who saw Adna, and not the ‘apostle,’ spoke.

“What I saw in you, Adna… is a dazzlingly beautiful appearance.”

‘Beautiful?’

That couldn’t be.

“…Do you not find me unpleasant?”

“Unpleasant? Quite the opposite! I actually thought I was envious!”

…Envious?

“Because no matter how scary or difficult the situation is, you don’t seem to be affected, Adna.”

Doesn’t that mean I cannot even share pain with others?

How could that be an advantage?

“When things are at their darkest and most desperate, how could I not envy a being that people believe in and rely on, knowing they will never break?”

Fabio looked at her, his eyes shining.

Adna could not understand.

In such a situation, wouldn’t he himself be desperate and miserable?

Even then, he hopes most of all to be of help to others?

‘How can a person be like that?’

Perhaps he was just saying things that sounded plausible?

To flatter her…

‘No, because he is a person who thinks such things first, he must have never harmed another person even while repeating over a thousand four hundred lives.’

The current ‘Fabio’ might not have the awareness that he had lived through so many repeated lives, but the trajectory of those lives did not simply vanish.

Adna felt as if she were suffocating slightly.

She had never felt this way even when looking at the Saintess or other high priests.

They were strong, noble, beautiful, fair, devoted, and benevolent, but such virtues of theirs would be rewarded by Loclem.

But the being watching over ‘Fabio’ was…

“…Especially a human like you should not even dream of overstepping your station; you should live content with what you were born with.”

Adna had no choice but to warn him.

If he were to find out that the one watching him was a terrible being with a level of malice that was hard to fathom, and that this being had enjoyed breaking and reassembling him over a thousand times, he would surely collapse in despair and terror.

‘And that would only please that evil being…’

Therefore, Adna could not tell him the reason for the warning.

Thus, this warning would not be accepted by him.

He would likely be deeply hurt.

But isn’t it better to hate one person than to hate the world, the universe, or God?

‘You must not wish for anything. No matter how trivial it may be.’

Adna intended to snap at Fabio to give up on whatever he was wishing for.

But that resolve crumbled before Fabio, who spoke hesitantly.

“I-I just… want to be of help to others… to more people.”

…At that moment, Adna remembered the words the Saintess had said via telepathy when she first saw Fabio.

[How can there be such a lovely and adorable being?]

Adna had thought that it meant ‘truly pitiful and commendable.’

“I-If I’m strong! Then! Even if wild animals enter the fields, I could easily chase them away!”

‘…How.’

“If I have strength, I can clear more land…!”

‘How can a person be this…’

…this adorable?

Adna couldn’t bring herself to snap at such a cute and pitiful being.

So, she ended up saying something foolish.

“Being weak… can also be a help.”

“I-Is that so?”

“If there is no target to protect, a guardian cannot be called a guardian. Therefore, there is meaning in your weakness as well.”

‘No, I should have said that guardians exist to protect people like you.’

Realizing it sounded strange after she said it, Adna, who was naturally poor with words, didn’t know how to fix it.

‘You are already enough, even without trying harder.’

“So, do not even think about changing who you are here and now.”

Hearing Adna’s words, Fabio gulped.

‘…Oh dear. In the end, it was practically the same as snapping at him.’

Since she already lacked expression and was always misunderstood as being in a bad mood, and since she spoke that way, Fabio would have no choice but to perceive it as intimidation.

‘It can’t be helped. I’m used to being hated…’

Just as Adna was resigning herself, Fabio smiled brightly.

“Apostle Adna… you are truly kind.”

Adna couldn’t help but doubt her own ears.

‘What?’

“Telling me not to dream beyond my station… you said that because you were worried I might be frustrated by chasing a vain dream, right?”

‘…How did he—’

“Because evil things… tend to seek out those gaps in the heart. Just as you said, if I chase a dream that doesn’t suit me, it might put not only myself but others in danger.”

‘How can he think of others first after hearing those words?’

“So you could have just told me it’s dangerous, to give up on unsuitable dreams early and only dream of things that are possible…”

‘Do you not feel resentment? Do you not hate those who cannot save you?’

“To tell me not to change, that there is meaning in being weak… to say such things to me.”

‘Why can he be grateful even in such a miserable moment?’

“I thought I had to learn more and become more useful to be of help to others, and that only then would they like me…”

‘How could such a person…’

…be attached to such a terrible being?

It was incomprehensible.

They say the only law for beings beyond the stars is that they are unfathomable, but…

“If the Apostle tells me not to change, I won’t change!”

But there was one thing she could understand.

“Because the Apostle said that the current me is also fine!”

‘…I see why they were so obsessed with this one being.’

The reason for choosing to watch only one person, repeating the world over 1,400 times while having the opportunity to do anything.

‘You are… so radiant that one wants to keep watching you.’

A violent and intense light that completely twists one’s perception just by looking at it once.

To someone who didn’t know they were in the dark, or that the darkness was uncomfortable, telling them that they had been in the dark until now was a truly kind yet terrifying thing.

Adna suddenly remembered the moment she received the Baptism of Order.

The moment she realized she could never live in a world without Order again.

The moment she realized how pitiful and miserable her former self had been.

Right now was similar to that moment, yet different.

‘I… the me before meeting you was truly a foolish and pitiful being.’

Adna felt a surge of emotion.

She had never expected others to understand her.

She thought the kindness she received was directed only at the ‘apostle,’ not at her.

Because she didn’t want to be abandoned, because of her fear, she struggled, yet she packaged that miserable desire as devotion to repay the grace received from the Lord.

‘Even after the Baptism, I was still that pitiful and miserable child.’

And yet, denying that fact, she had cut off her past self.

Treating her past self as a stranger, she looked down on her with a mixture of contempt and pity.

As if doing so would truly make her a different person.

But Fabio…

‘That child whom even I hated…’

He made her hold onto her again with her own hands.

She had thought the miserable treatment her past self received was justified.

Because her face was hideous, she had no skills, and she didn’t even belong to Order.

Therefore, while thinking she would never return to such a past, she feared deep down that all of this was a reward given to the wrong person.

But the moment she told this adorable being with her own mouth that he deserved to be loved without doing anything, the pitiful child inside her suddenly woke up.

‘…If I had met you a little sooner.’

I would not have despised myself.

Even if I knew I was pitiful and miserable, I would have known that I could still be loved.

I would have known that there are people who do not find my face unpleasant, that I could be understood.

But even so.

The meeting at this very moment changed every moment of the past.

The ‘terribly miserable childhood’ became, once again, ‘a childhood where I simply hadn’t met you yet.’

“Apostle Adna?”

…Until now, I believed in the Lord because of fear.

Now, I feel no fear at all.

An uncontrollable, intense emotion filled her entire body.

It was pure joy.

‘Divine power… is overflowing…’

Adna realized. That the Lord, too, was affirming this emotion at this very moment.

“…Let go of my hand for now.”

She could not bear this joy without expressing it.

33 – #033