5 – Chicken Game (9)

Chapter 7 (2)

“Did you do something to your hair? It looks pretty.”

“Ah….”

As soon as the conversation opened with an unexpected compliment, followed by a smooth stream of greetings—how it had been a while, how he had wanted to reach out—Hae-won hesitated. Ultimately unable to answer any of the questions, he cast his eyes downward. His nails, which had grown past his fingertips and onto his palms, sliced through the soft flesh, carving deep scars. Panic surged through him, leaving him no room to worry about his unnatural movements or his unstable, wandering gaze.

Seo Hae-young, who had returned to the kitchen by now, stared intently. Hee-sung, having received no answer, wore a strained smile. To Hae-won, it was all an overwhelming burden. While he struggled, not knowing what to do, Seo Hae-young, who had been watching silently with an unreadable expression, stepped forward and lightly pushed Hee-sung’s shoulder aside.

“What are you doing, just standing there?”

Naturally taking the head seat, Seo Hae-young’s gaze remained on Hee-sung. As Hee-sung pulled out a chair and sat, Hae-won, left alone in front of the counter, let his heavy head drop. To him, the guest was unwelcome, but apparently not to Seo Hae-young. At least, that was how Hae-won felt. Desperate to escape the situation, he turned to leave the kitchen, but a short question caught him by the ankle.

“Where are you going?”

Stopping in the hallway leading to the living room, Hae-won looked down at his index finger, where the cut had healed, and answered softly.

“…I’m not hungry.”

“Sit.”

Sit and do what? Just listen to the two of them flirting? He didn’t want to.

“I’ll just go upstairs….”

Hae-won rolled his eyes with a hint of resentment and shook his head, taking a step forward. But before he could even plant his foot, a low warning seized the back of his neck.

“Sit down while I’m asking nicely.”

“Hey… why do you have to put it like that?”

Hee-sung, wearing an awkward smile, lightly nudged Seo Hae-young’s arm. Hae-won hesitated before turning back and slowly approaching the dining table. The shame he thought had vanished stained his cheeks a bright red.

As he pulled out the chair to the right of Seo Hae-young, he suddenly found himself sitting opposite Hee-sung. The noodles, with the garnishes scattered, were in front of Hee-sung; all Hae-won could see was the smooth surface of the table. As he scratched his hand so hard the skin peeled, his eyes wandered, and then a steaming bowl of noodles was pushed toward him. Along with it came chopsticks plunged deep into the center of the noodles, as if performing a ritual. When he tentatively lifted his gaze, Seo Hae-young, resting his chin on his hand, gestured with his eyes.

“Eat.”

“…What about you?”

“You know I don’t like them.”

These were not the words of a man who had spent the entire morning pestering someone to make noodles. Despite the bowl being presented with beautifully arranged garnishes, Hae-won could not bring himself to touch it and repeatedly checked Seo Hae-young’s expression. He was certain he would get indigestion if he ate. As he hesitated with the chopsticks in hand, Seo Hae-young leaned forward and asked slowly, his voice not particularly quiet.

“Why aren’t you eating? Is something burnt?”

The gaze, staring so intently it was almost unpleasant, pricked his cheeks. A thought that had briefly crossed his mind earlier suddenly resurfaced, sending a chill down his spine. Quickly shaking his head, Hae-won lifted his trembling hand and stirred the garnishes. Hee-sung, sensing the strange atmosphere, intervened with a forced brightness.

“Oh, hey. I’ll enjoy the meal.”

Hae-won struggled to pull up the corners of his mouth to give a small smile. Hee-sung’s kindness, returning that with a bright smile, wounded Hae-won’s narrow heart.

By the time the bowl was half-empty, Hae-won had been completely excluded from the conversation, just like on Seo Hae-young’s birthday last year. Although Hee-sung naturally tried to include him in the questions, Hae-won couldn’t blend in at all, floating like an impurity. It was common for him not to understand the questions, and he frequently remained silent, unable to find a proper answer. Naturally, the conversation revolved around topics only the two of them knew. Even with his ears wide open, Hae-won struggled just to pick up and swallow the words he could understand.

Hee-sung leaned back against the chair, stirring the remaining noodles with his chopsticks. Thanks to his innate sociability, the subtle awkwardness didn’t show much.

“Your professor really sends you all over the place. When are you coming back to school?”

“In a month. I have exams too.”

“Are you going to do your Master’s here? What a waste.”

“It’s a bit awkward to leave….”

Trailing off, Seo Hae-young glanced at Hae-won, who was stubbornly chewing his noodles, and continued the conversation.

The dialogue consisted of topics typical for college students of their age, but there was no anxiety or desperation regarding an opaque future in their talk. Forcing the fragmented noodles down his throat, Hae-won stared blankly at the table, which felt as if an impassable line had been drawn across it. This was why he had wanted to avoid the situation. Everything they talked about was a story he didn’t know.

Living in the same space, sleeping in the same bed, yet Seo Hae-young told him nothing. He was no longer curious, nor did he ask, but still. Couldn’t he have mentioned something in passing, just once? Unless he was really just keeping him at home as a tool to relieve sexual desire when the mood struck, just one word.

He had reached a point where he couldn’t tell if this was a natural feeling of disappointment or an presumptuous demand. To dismiss it with a simple “Why now?” would be to ignore the resentment boiling up inside him. It was déjà vu. A playback of miserable memories. He couldn’t endure it any longer.

“I’m… I’m done.”

When Hae-won opened his reluctant lips, the gaze that had been fixed on Hee-sung returned. Hae-won briefly showed the empty bowl to Seo Hae-young, who leaned in to look, and hurriedly stood up. The eyes of both men clung to him, but he couldn’t stop his legs, which were moving of their own accord.

Running up the stairs, Hae-won went straight to the bathroom and threw up all the lunch he had forced down. Flushing the toilet over and over, he vomited until gastric juices came up, and only then did the stabbing pain in his stomach gradually subside.

“Ugh….”

Leaning on the sink, Hae-won pushed himself up on trembling legs. In a hunched posture, he quickly rinsed his mouth and washed his face to erase any trace of vomit. The pale face and water-soaked hair swept away any sense of complacency. When the lukewarm water finished draining into the sink, all that remained for Hae-won was a sense of crisis.

A feeling slightly different from deprivation gnawed at his frail spirit. While sitting quietly in a large house, killing time day by day, he had momentarily forgotten that the world was still turning. That time was flowing, and other people were steadily accomplishing their tasks. The fact that Seo Hae-young’s world, more than anyone else’s, was functioning without a hitch… became a little frightening.

He trudged out of the bathroom, but his legs, drained of strength, refused to walk any further, and he slid down to sit in the empty hallway. Leaning his back against the cold wall and hugging his knees, Hae-won glared at the stairs where the faint voices of the two men were drifting up, and bit his thumbnail. The sound of soft bone clicking out of place was like the ticking of a clock accelerating his anxiety.

Perhaps because it was still raining, he couldn’t drive away the bad thoughts sprouting like mushrooms after rain. His bloodshot eyes became as red as if they were about to bleed.

Seo Hae-young was living far too well. As long as he got a decent degree, he had a family that could plug him into a respectable university professor position or a job. Naturally, that would happen in time, and perhaps he would meet someone similar and marry at an appropriate age.

If he became unable to function properly as a ‘hole,’ what would happen to him then? Where would this frail body, which occasionally screamed in fits and babbled nonsense, go?

There was a time when he hoped Seo Hae-young would get tired of him as soon as possible. Back then, he had a place to return to. But now? What was left now?

Blood slowly seeped from the skin he had bitten raw. The stream of blood flowed down his finger joint and pooled at his wrist bone. Wiping the red blood on his shirt, Hae-won began to bite the other hand. It didn’t hurt at all. He wasn’t surprised.

* * *

By the time his teeth had drawn blood from the other hand, Hee-sung, who had been looking toward the quiet hallway, set down his chopsticks. He had played the part of politeness by saying it was delicious, but honestly, it was bland. Sitting across from Seo Hae-young, with whom things were still somewhat awkward, wasn’t particularly pleasant either. His plan to deliver an item and leave was unfolding strangely. Having run out of things to talk about, he wanted to head back, but Hae-won, who had been pale and unable to join the conversation, kept lingering in his mind.

He hadn’t expected him to be here, but he knew such a thought was absurd. Not when he was guilty of reporting the man’s whereabouts exactly as they were to the person in front of him. Whatever had happened between them, he wanted to properly meet Yoon Hae-won, who had missed every opportunity to talk. In the midst of the heavy silence, Hee-sung tidied his utensils, tapped Seo Hae-young’s shoulder as the latter rolled up his sleeves, and stood up.

“I’m going to use the restroom.”

“Go ahead.”

Glancing at Seo Hae-young as he tidied the messy counter, Hee-sung placed his dish in the sink, tossed in three clean cups as a bonus, and turned away. As he left the kitchen, he didn’t forget to secretly crumple a few tissues and drop them on the floor.

As he strode up the stairs, he wondered where to start looking, but fortunately, he didn’t need to open every closed door. Hae-won, crouching in front of the bathroom, looked significantly smaller compared to when he stood straight. Hee-sung wondered how thin he could possibly be, but remembering the sight of his back running frantically in the middle of the night, it made sense. Assuming that could even be called exercise.

Wiping his forehead, Hee-sung approached Hae-won, who was burying his face in his knees and muttering something. He crouched down in a similar posture, but Hae-won didn’t seem to notice. The light brown hair looked soft, and he wanted to touch it once, but it didn’t seem like they were on those terms yet. Suppressing the impulse, Hee-sung carefully tapped the floor. Startled, Hae-won snapped his head up, his eyes widening.

It was similar to their first meeting. The image of Hae-won with cake smeared all over his face resurfaced. Hee-sung gave a small smile and leaned in, whispering as if sharing a secret.

“I came to get my clothes.”

“…Huh?”

“They’re ones I cherish. Oh, and the shoes too.”

It wasn’t that he actually cherished them, but it was a suitable excuse to start a conversation. However, doubt began to mix with Hae-won’s unfocused gaze. Hee-sung waited silently until he remembered, then lowered his eyes and let out a short gasp. Before he could even unfurl his frowning brow, he grabbed Hae-won’s wrist. Startled by the sudden contact, Hae-won straightened his back and tried to recoil, but the solid wall held him back. Hee-sung closed the distance he had just gained without hesitation.

“You’re bleeding.”

Blood from the torn skin of his finger had seeped out and dried on his palm. Showing his discomfort, Hae-won’s lips trembled, and he shifted his body as if asking to be let go. He even managed to say “Let go,” but perhaps because his voice was too small, or perhaps because the arm full of hideous scars stole his attention, Hee-sung unconsciously gripped the thin wrist tighter.

“Why is it all….”

Why is your skin like this? Swallowing a potentially unpleasant observation, Hee-sung examined the inside of the arm, which was full of nail marks and bruises, with a serious expression. Fingerprints that looked like they came from a tight grip remained as blue bruises on the wrist and forearm. Because Hae-won had been so curled up, the marks he hadn’t noticed downstairs were now coming into full view. And then, Hee-sung’s mouth fell open. He wasn’t so naive as to not recognize the remnants covering the pale nape of the neck and the inside of the forearm; Hee-sung’s expression grew increasingly stiff.

“You two… ah, so that’s….”

He found it difficult to continue, unable to shake off the shock. Did Seo Hae-young date men? If he had to list the people Go Tae-gyeom had dated, he could do it all night, but no matter how much he thought about it, nothing clear came to mind regarding Seo Hae-young’s private life. He’d said he wouldn’t introduce them, that they broke up quickly—how could he remember? While he was surprised, he felt it wasn’t something to comment on, yet his stiff expression didn’t easily soften. It was because Hae-won’s reaction—curling up and glaring with frightened eyes as soon as his wrist was released—felt strange. As he watched Hae-won, back pressed against the wall and on guard, the tangled clues clicked together into a single hypothesis.

The blood-soaked warehouse, the sight of him running down the main road in the dead of winter, the muttering about being chased, Seo Hae-young and Go Tae-gyeom acting like they’d lost their minds, Joo Hyun-woo suddenly cutting off contact, the sexual remnants bordering on abuse….

Pressing his lips together, Hee-sung glanced toward the downstairs where the sound of water could still be heard, then gripped Hae-won’s shoulder. Even if they were dating, there were too many strange points. Even if it was called meddling, he had no regrets. The wounds were just too severe.

“We met back then, right? You know, on the bridge.”

“I-I’ve never met you. I don’t know.”

With an anxious expression, Hae-won glanced at the hand on his shoulder and shook his head vigorously. The last time he had seen Hee-sung was at Joo Hyun-woo’s farewell party. He remembered that much. To Hae-won, who had no memory of that night at all, Hee-sung’s attitude was simply baffling.

“…You don’t remember?”

After scrutinizing the ignorant face, Hee-sung accepted after a few questions that it wasn’t a lie. Indeed, no sane person would have walked around like that. Letting out a deep sigh, Hee-sung grabbed the collar of the short-sleeved T-shirt Hae-won was wearing. When he suddenly pulled it down, even more severe marks were revealed above the straight collarbone. Startled, Hae-won pushed his hand away and covered his neck with his blood-stained palm. The defensive posture invited a plausible suspicion. Narrowing his eyes, Hee-sung touched the scars on the elbow and wrist, softening his agitated voice.

“Let me ask one thing. This. All of this, did Seo Hae-young do it?”

Casting his eyes down, Hae-won stared at the floor and built a wall.

“Mind your own business.”

“Tell me. That way….”

“…What does it matter to you?”

Hae-won didn’t want to know why Hee-sung was suddenly acting so urgent, nor was he comfortable having a face-to-face conversation like this. If he had appeared out of nowhere and ruined his day, he should have been satisfied with that; this was interference crossing the line.

Of course, he knew. What sin had Lee Hee-sung committed? He had just happened to get caught up in it, and thus became curious. Reason defended Hee-sung, but Hae-won couldn’t possibly act rationally.

However, the aggressive tone that leaked out like a spit-out word only wounded himself. It was more stinging than the wounds where the skin had been torn away to reveal pink flesh, and he couldn’t hear clearly what Hee-sung was saying. The lips that opened urgently had a healthy color, and the furrowed brow and eyes were clean without a speck of filth. He hated the kindness that thought of others, unlike himself, who struggled just to take care of his own body, with a terrible intensity. The pitying gaze, as if looking at something pathetic, was irritating. The goodwill bestowed like alms was nauseating.

Was it like this then? When we first met?

Does Seo Hae-young hit you?

Was this forced?

He didn’t answer a single word to the questions pouring out like a landslide. His stomach, already overturned, began to boil. So, Hae-won deliberately tilted his chin up. His pathetic pride rose with him. When their eyes met, and Hee-sung raised an eyebrow as if telling him to speak, Hae-won gave the answer he so desired.

“I… I like it. I like this kind of thing, that’s why.”

“…What?”

“I really like this. That’s why Hae-young, and Hae-young also….”

His throat tightened. He didn’t want it to be known that every time he didn’t give a satisfying answer, every time he lost consciousness while enduring overwhelming thrusts, or whenever the other was bored, he got beaten. That it was agonizingly painful when a large palm struck his cheek or squeezed his neck, and that he sometimes felt arousal amidst the pain of flickering vision and the terror of another holding his windpipe. Realizing once again the irreversibly broken state of his body and mind, Hae-won wore a faint smile.

“…I’m just matching his pace.”

The hoarse voice tore into several fragments. Trembling shoulders, clenched hands, yet eyes wide open. Hae-won, denying everything with all his might, looked instead pitiful and wretched. Hee-sung, who had even mentioned family and reporting it, let out a small gasp of disbelief, his lips parting. From between his open lips, occasional sighs of “Hah” escaped. It was understandable. Fearing that he might even shed tears, Hae-won dropped his head and stood up unsteadily.

“Wait a minute….”

He shook off the hand wrapping around his wrist, entered his room, and closed the door. Leaning his back against the door, he slid down and buried his face in his knees.

“Ugh….”

He felt embarrassed, annoyed, envious, and so angry he couldn’t bear it. He wanted to scream, but his pathetic, hoarse throat could only exhale ragged breaths. Then, he heard the faint sound of conversation from beyond the door. It seemed Seo Hae-young had come up. Hae-won pressed himself against the door and listened intently to see what they were discussing, but with one ear broken, he couldn’t accurately catch the voices of the two men. He leaned his forehead against the cold door and let out a thin breath. Regret washed over him.

I should have used detergent. On those ruined noodles.

And then, feeling how hideous he was for thinking such a thing, he clawed at his thighs with bloodshot eyes. His pants wrinkled and round bloodstains remained on the dark fabric, but it didn’t hurt at all. Not at all.

* * *

Hee-sung opened his umbrella and stepped into the garden where a drizzle was falling. He felt an indescribable sense of discomfort. He felt as if he had witnessed something he wasn’t meant to see. He should have just left the item in front of the porch instead of ringing the doorbell. Lamenting it now didn’t erase the shock of feeling like he’d been blindsided. He shoved his hands into his pockets, glancing over Seo Hae-young, who—unusually—had followed him out to see him off and was currently lighting a cigarette.

That bastard was sucking and licking a man with the same kind of dick. While beating him, no less. He didn’t know if he should have believed Hae-won’s somewhat strange words, or if he should have intervened even slightly. Rubbing his brow, which was sore from frowning so much, Hee-sung stopped in his tracks as the image of Hae-won, covered in purple bruises, flickered in his mind.

“Are you beating a kid?”

“Who?”

Seo Hae-young played innocent despite knowing full well, and the murky smoke he exhaled sank, heavy with moisture. Blowing away the smoke that crept toward him through the falling rain, Hee-sung tilted his umbrella and looked up at the second floor. A silhouette lingering by the window jumped in surprise and hid behind the curtains. As if that would hide the shadow. Thinking that if the person really wanted him to mind his own business, they wouldn’t act like that, a meddlesome question escaped him.

“……You’re not just friends, right?”

After taking a long drag from the filter, Seo Hae-young dropped the long cigarette, which he had barely smoked, to the ground. He rolled his eyes as if contemplating while stepping on the faint ember, then gave a smirk.

“If you ate the noodles, you should be able to figure it out.”

He seemed to find his own words incredibly funny, chuckling to himself, but the corners of Hee-sung’s mouth didn’t budge. He wanted to retort, ‘Ah, those damn tasteless noodles?’ but it was because it didn’t feel like a joke at all. There was no sign that he was trying to hide anything, either.

“……I’m leaving.”

Hiding his complicated thoughts, Hee-sung turned away and calculated the time the man, who spent his days cleaning up after a professor, would be away from home. He wondered if he should bring this up to Go Tae-gyeom, who might have drowned in a vat of alcohol or was perhaps still alive.

Since he didn’t know exactly what had happened between them, he couldn’t reach a clear conclusion. As he fiddled with the phone in his pocket and prepared to leave the gate, a voice devoid of laughter sounded from behind.

“By the way, Hee-sung.”

Glancing back, he saw Seo Hae-young standing under the eaves where water droplets were dripping. He waved his hand lightly, as if saying goodbye.

“If you want to talk to Yoon Hae-won, get permission first. From now on.”

It was a farewell that deepened his worries. Hee-sung looked away and pulled the phone out of his pocket.

Hee-sung, who had come to deliver a single item only to leave with a heavy burden, left through the gate. Having cleanly finished seeing off his guest, Seo Hae-young headed straight for the second floor. His steps were light as he passed through the living room and picked up a small shopping bag left on the table. The hypothesis had reached the conclusion he desired. Recalling Hae-won, who had looked at Hee-sung with obvious tension and a gaze mixed with subtle hostility, he laughed vacantly.

Sometimes a little stimulation is necessary. Thinking that he might have to call that guy over more often since he showed such a worthwhile reaction, he opened the firmly closed door. At the edge of the room, where things to play with were scattered across the rug, Hae-won was sitting with his hips perched on the wide windowsill, peering outside. The long stretch of his nape was mottled. Seo Hae-young approached slowly, scanning the neck where red fingernail marks were drawn over purple bruises. Unaware of the presence approaching from behind, Hae-won was busy chasing the retreating figure of Hee-sung, who was leaving the alley under a bright blue umbrella.

Moving the shopping bag to his other hand, Seo Hae-young stood quietly and looked at the scenery reflected in Hae-won’s eyes before reaching out. He could clearly imagine how Hae-won would turn around in surprise, and the corners of his mouth curled up instinctively. He immediately snapped his thumb and middle finger together against Hae-won’s left ear. The sound was quite loud.

However, Hae-won, distracted by the outside, didn’t show a pleased expression. His smooth eyes crinkled slightly. Looking down silently at Hae-won, who had pulled his knees up and pressed close to the window following the receding Hee-sung, Seo Hae-young snapped his fingers again.

The hand leaning on the window, the head following someone, the motionless posture. Tap, tap—the sound of raindrops hitting the large window echoed through the quiet room. The frozen hand hesitated and moved to the right ear.

Once more, snap.

“Ah……!”

The shoulders wrapped in a white T-shirt jumped violently. With wide eyes, Hae-won turned around with a face more lovely than expected. Perhaps he had been crying, as his glistening, moist eyes slowly avoided contact. Then, as if the pressed, reddish skin didn’t sting, he wiped away the moisture with his palms and the backs of his hands. Everything was going as expected, yet he couldn’t bring himself to laugh.

As if embarrassed to have been staring outside, Hae-won quickly straightened his posture. However, Seo Hae-young neither sat beside him nor spoke; he simply stared at the left ear where faint tooth marks remained. Looking back with a bewildered face, Hae-won grew anxious and began fiddling with the blood-stained areas of his hand and arm.

Following the movement of the scarred hand as it wandered here and there, Seo Hae-young pulled over a nearby chair and sat down. When he placed the shopping bag on the windowsill and stared at it, the restless Hae-won seemed to remember something and leaned over to bring the cigarette pack resting on the window frame.

“Here…….”

Offering a single cigarette to his lips, Hae-won flicked a lighter with one hand. The metal lid made a clicking sound as it opened and closed. Biting the filter between his teeth, Seo Hae-young looked down at his right hand, clenching and unclenching his fist.

Right hand, left cheek, right hand, left ear, burning fever, did he go to the hospital, no he didn’t, right.

While these thoughts continued, Hae-won quickly leaned forward, shielding the flickering flame of the lighter with his palm to light the end of the cigarette. Whether he knew or not that they were indoors where not a single breeze blew. After inhaling the remaining smoke, Seo Hae-young moved the cigarette between his fingers and opened his tightly shut mouth. Before he could exhale the smoke filling his lungs, Hae-won spoke first.

“Um……, are you very close?”

“Hmm?”

“Lee Hee-sung. I feel like I haven’t seen him, even in the past…….”

He murmured in a crawling voice, leaving the window half-open. The question, heard for the first time in a long while, evoked a tingling sensation. Having been slumped like a sick person the whole time, Hae-won was showing a more pleasing reaction than expected, and a cool breeze blew behind him. Hiding his satisfaction, Seo Hae-young shrugged as he watched the thumb picking at the skin near the fingernails where blood was seeping.

“Just so-so.”

“Then……, but why…….”

“Hey, your hand.”

Hae-won looked up and, with a look of realization, dropped the hand he had been clawing. Having lost the means to relieve his anxiety, he gripped the window frame and tapped his feet faintly. His somewhat restless and distracted behavior wouldn’t settle down. As if a question had reached the tip of his throat, he hesitated and then stood up from the windowsill. Before he could take a step, Seo Hae-young blocked the path he would have taken, and the sight of Hae-won sitting back down with a distorted expression was so funny that laughter burst out. When he nudged him with his leg to urge him, Hae-won looked as if he were about to cry. When he tapped his cheek to urge him again, a voice mixed with tears leaked out.

“Just, just……. I’m a friend too, but I don’t know anything…….”

The stuttering that followed the hesitation instantly dragged Seo Hae-young’s mood, which had been maintaining a fairly good line, down to the bottom.

“Friend? You’re my friend?”

Hae-won froze before the annoyed question that popped out as if it were absurd. He knew they were no longer friends, but it was a fact that they had been close, and it was simply the word that came out because he didn’t know how to describe this relationship. He couldn’t bring himself to say that he was in a position where he took it from behind.

“Sorry, I…….”

His stomach tightened, and he grew short of breath. Letting out a hollow laugh, Seo Hae-young moved closer and placed both hands on Hae-won’s knees. Hae-won’s gaze dropped to the bright red ember held between the fingers. The legs clad in thin pants, which would burn uselessly, trembled slightly. Leaning forward, Seo Hae-young pushed Hae-won’s forehead to tilt his bowed head back. Their eyes met.

“I think you’re getting a bit confused……. We’re dating.”

Like soothing a frantic child, the low voice stretched out. The two eyes meeting were a dark abyss. Hae-won trembled, blinking eyes filled with tears. He bit his lips until the color drained, wanting to ask what he meant. The man who, until this morning, had been strangling his neck and crushing his entire body was now talking about something strange on his own. He didn’t know what kind of whim this was this time.

“Do you understand? Did you get that, Hae-won?”

As if he had drunk his fill of alcohol, his vision spun and his mind became a tangled mess. Hae-won, who struggled to swallow the thick saliva pooling in his mouth, let a tear drop onto his cheek. Moments picked one by one from the memories of the past few months lined up.

Overbearing dates, tedious sex, gifts he never asked for, the kisses shared every morning instead of greetings.

It was a bizarre daily existence. They were things that didn’t even need to be done. But it couldn’t be. Normally, a relationship like this wasn’t called ‘dating.’ Not only was this not the kind of romance he had imagined, but in the first place, Seo Hae-young didn’t like him.

As nausea rose, a formless blade pierced through his shrunken stomach. He became delirious. Feeling as if he might faint at any moment, he gripped his thigh—where another bruise was already reserved—tightly and asked an absurd question. It was a question that popped out like a vomit, his front teeth clicking, a question he believed he would never ask Seo Hae-young.

“……Do you like me?”

Staring blankly into the teary eyes, Seo Hae-young frowned and let out a low laugh.

The shortened cigarette was pressed not into the thigh, but into the white windowsill. While watching the cigarette ash vanish in a swirl of smoke, a hand slowly reached out and gripped the nape of his neck, and the other hand covered his right ear. A body scent mixed with the smell of cigarettes tickled his nose. Pressing his lips to the left ear, Seo Hae-young whispered something. The soft lips that brushed the outer rim and the lobe of the ear opened and closed, and stretched long again, but nothing was heard.

Hae-won floated for a long time, trapped in a silent space where even the sound of rain hitting the window held its breath. Leaving behind a whisper that no one heard, Seo Hae-young pulled away and faced Hae-won closely, stroking his pale cheek. After thoroughly examining the empty, vacant gaze, he whispered quietly.

“Did you hear it?”

Hae-won, whose face was drenched in unending tears, slowly shook his head. Pulling his upper body back, Seo Hae-young leaned against the back of the chair, crossing and uncrossing his arms, clenching and releasing his right hand, and after letting the silence flow, he smiled ambiguously.

“This is a problem…….”

That was all. That was the impression of the ear that was so blocked it couldn’t even capture a secretly conveyed emotion.

A damp wind blew in through the open window. Seo Hae-young observed the person before him, immersed in countless thoughts. The growing helplessness, as he lost the few things he had one by one, piled up thickly on those thin shoulders. That helplessness was so heavy that as the time spent looking at the person who couldn’t even straighten their back grew longer, his peaceful heart wavered gently.

With the scenery turning a pale purple behind him, Yoon Hae-won, with his hair fluttering, resembled the rain that seemed as if it would stop soon but continued to scatter endlessly. Eyes with a gloomy light, like the rain soaking the hems of his pants, slowly looked up. The pale purple rectangle smelling of rain held a sense of incongruity, as if it might vanish faintly, so he had no choice but to hold onto it with a sharp hook. The hook Seo Hae-young possessed was a few words.

“Now……. You really can’t live without me.”

He defined the heightened emotion in one sentence. The combination of cliché words bound Hae-won while simultaneously organizing Seo Hae-young’s own complex emotions. Letting out a small exclamation, Seo Hae-young stroked the nape of his neck and smirked. He shrugged his shoulders, not knowing how to stop the laughter that kept popping out.

He found the reason why he felt elated. It wasn’t guilt, nor was it pity. It was simply unparalleled euphoria and a sense of satisfaction.

After taking enough time to carve the purple rectangle into his pupils, he reached out and pulled Hae-won’s cheek, which seemed frozen in place.

“This is a problem, Hae-won. You’re really fucked.”

Gripping the face that fit perfectly within his two palms, he whispered cunning words while wiping the wet corners of the eyes. He asked if he hadn’t already experienced how painful the things happening to him were, and how many strange people there were once he went outside. The reprimands based on facts seeped in without exception, redefining Hae-won’s essence.

A simpleton who had nothing, could do nothing alone, and could not live without someone’s help.

Tears hanging from the long eyelashes dropped one by one. Seo Hae-young, who had carved deep notches into his consciousness and hacked it to pieces, poured sweet temptation into the gaps of the open wounds. He promised a space to lay his body, food to fill his stomach, and luxuries that could not be obtained even by struggling to survive. There was no answer in return, but he was willing to be generous today.

“You don’t have to worry. I’ll take good care of you.”

After kissing the pale cheek as a final touch, Seo Hae-young stopped pressing him and brought over the shopping bag from the windowsill to unwrap it. There was only one reason why he had sent someone else instead of going himself. Meeting Joo Hyun-jeong, who would obviously ask this and that, would only be tedious. He didn’t know what Joo Hyun-woo—who had become stranded after having his passport and cards taken away—was whining about, but the frequent calls from Hyun-jeong lately had been quite annoying.

Taking out a black case, Seo Hae-young glanced at Hae-won. Did Yoon Hae-won even know how clingy Joo Hyun-woo was being from across the ocean? Having no particular intention of telling him, he dropped the empty shopping bag on the floor, and a vacant gaze landed on the case.

The eyes, upon discovering the familiar case, widened slightly and then distorted pathetically. Wearing a seemingly kind smile, Seo Hae-young placed the case in Hae-won’s hand and leaned down.

“Do you know what this is?”

Coincidentally, it wasn’t a gift for Hae-won. Hae-won also seemed to know this, as he took a short breath and stopped crying. Stroking the frozen shoulders, Seo Hae-young leaned down and opened the tightly closed lid. As soon as he saw the item inside the lid that flipped open with a click, the wet eyes darted here and there.

“There’s no way it could have disappeared……. It was a bit strange, so I looked for it. Guess where it was?”

“Ah…….”

On the trembling hand, a lump of lingering attachment shone bright white. Seo Hae-young firmly gripped both forearms of Hae-won, who was swaying as a severe bout of dizziness hit him, and continued speaking.

“In front of the house. Someone left it in front of the house. I never did that, so isn’t it strange? Right?”

As he gently shook the paper-thin body, he staggered helplessly. Seo Hae-young straightened Hae-won, who was gagging as if he were about to vomit, and curled up the corners of his mouth. He tilted his head to look into his face as if asking for a reaction, but Hae-won’s gaze was slightly off, staring into the air. The heavily furrowed eyes clearly revealed his poor physical condition, but the task for today was not yet finished.

“I didn’t want to buy a new one……, so I got it fixed. While you were cheating on me.”

Taking out the bracelet, which had taken a long time to repair due to a lack of parts, Seo Hae-young touched the surface where small scratches from colliding and rolling remained like decorations. It was obvious where Yoon Hae-won, who was ignorant of such things, had gotten the bracelet. He opened the clasp of the bracelet, which had returned to a perfect state through the hands of Lee Hee-sung and Joo Hyun-jeong, and placed it on the pale hand. Then, as he held out his arm with the palm facing up, the trembling hand supported the wrist and wrapped the bracelet around, but the repaired clasp showed no sign of locking for a long time.

Seo Hae-young could wait for a few minutes, or even a few hours. He had no intention of losing this tug-of-war.

The silver-shining bracelet locked just as the rain was stopping, slightly later than the last raindrop hitting the ground. As always, it was Seo Hae-young’s victory.

Hee-seong leaned against the wall of the ascending elevator and scrolled through his call log, which was cluttered with missed call notifications. It had been a full week since he’d last made contact. Texts were ignored, and calls were cut off. It wasn’t just with him. Tae-gyeom seemed to be forcing himself to attend school, but Hee-seong wondered if he’d even be able to graduate on time at this rate.

Arriving at the floor where Tae-gyeom lived, Hee-seong pressed the doorbell firmly. The hangover cures in the plastic bag rattled. His meddlesome nature was an innate trait he couldn’t hide. Soon, the sound of the door lock opening echoed, and as the door swung open, Hee-seong peered inside. He started to greet him but stopped, his mouth hanging open. The glimpse of the interior revealed a complete mess.

“Hey, what the hell is with your place…?”

“I was busy.”

“Hire someone to clean it, you crazy bastard.”

Following Tae-gyeom, who merely opened the door and walked back in, Hee-seong stepped inside, kicking aside pieces of clothing that tripped him. The chaotic state of the house was one thing, but the smell of alcohol emanating from Tae-gyeom was extraordinary. Reflexively picking up a rolling liquor bottle and placing it on a shelf, Hee-seong spotted Tae-gyeom pulling out a cigarette and quickly opened the window. He had wondered why the room felt so hazy; the ashtray was overflowing with butts.

As Hee-seong grumbled while fanning the air, Tae-gyeom—unusually compliant—pulled over a chair and sat by the window with his back turned. He was so docile, as if a screw had come loose, that it was almost absurd. Placing the bag on the table, Hee-seong shook his head.

“This is driving me nuts… Why is everyone acting like this?”

“Why are you here?”

“I just wondered how you were doing.”

He had a separate purpose, but he was still debating whether it was appropriate to bring up, so he stalled. Since he had plenty of ways to kill time, he slowly cleaned the surroundings while gauging the atmosphere.

Tae-gyeom, who had been living even more distractedly since suddenly jumping out of a car last winter, had improved somewhat lately. Though Hee-seong hadn’t known he lived in such a state. Organizing the thick books scattered on the sofa and placing them back on the bookshelf, Hee-seong opened the refrigerator and spoke in a casual tone.

“So… I heard Seo Hae-young is going to grad school. Is that true?”

“Do you need to know?”

“No, well. Can’t I even share some news…?”

He thought Tae-gyeom’s nasty temper had softened since he was behaving, but it seemed that wasn’t the case. Shoving the hangover cures into the fridge, Hee-seong sat on the now mostly clean sofa and bounced his leg.

Should he say it or not? He was curious if he didn’t, but if he did, Seo Hae-young’s request weighed on his mind. He wanted to stall a bit longer, but beating around the bush to test someone was something Seo Hae-young was good at, not Hee-seong. Eventually, ruffling his black hair, he blurted it out.

“Yoon Hae-won… were you close with him?”

The broad back of Tae-gyeom, who had been leaning his elbow on the windowsill smoking, straightened up. The expression on his face as he turned around looked considerably displeased. A suspicious gaze returned from beneath furrowed brows.

“How do you know him?”

“Hey… I’ve seen him a few times. Stop drinking so much.”

Tae-gyeom stared at him silently, seemingly unable to remember, but when Hee-seong mentioned the ‘farewell party,’ he finally seemed to understand. That didn’t mean his guard was down, however. His eyes, still clouded by the lingering effects of alcohol, were murky.

“But why are you suddenly asking?”

“Just, you know. I heard you went to the same high school.”

“No… so why the fuck are you asking?”

The overly sensitive reaction aroused suspicion. Hee-seong bit his lip, recalling Hae-won’s body covered in bruises. When he shrugged nonchalantly and said he was just curious, Tae-gyeom gave him a dissatisfied look. Sweating, Hee-seong circled around the main point and asked repeatedly. He didn’t realize how awkward his persistence was.

Tae-gyeom, who was not slow to catch on, smirked and flicked his lighter. It seemed Hee-seong had come knowing something, but his attempt to fish for information was pathetic. Hearing a guy who looked similar to him bring up Yoon Hae-won made him feel filthy, so he forced smoke down his throat, which stung from smoking all day. He was in a state where he couldn’t even claim it was unfair if he suddenly dropped dead living like this.

He was scraping through his days—going to school, eating, and sleeping—but he was exhausted. It felt as if the ghost of that drunkard who died on the street was haunting him; he couldn’t sleep unless he drank. His headaches grew worse, and whenever he managed to close his eyes and go to bed, the person he wanted to forget would relentlessly haunt his dreams. And then, he would keep showing him the same day, the same scene.

Because he was made unable to forget, Tae-gyeom had visited the narrow alley where he encountered him over and over again. Not knowing which house he lived in, he knocked on every gate he hated to touch, searching for Yoon Hae-won and those shitty thugs.

In truth, a sincere apology was secondary; there was a selfish desire to keep him by his side somehow. He knew it was shameless. He knew it was pathetic.

After about a month of acting like a fool while holding a crumpled photograph, he heard something worth noting at a small convenience store. Wasn’t that person the one who got beaten up terribly back then? The store owner rambled on about Hae-won, mentioning how the ambulance came and it was total chaos.

The student who lived in that house had moved back to his hometown, and another one’s face had collapsed. Since more than a few people had seen the perpetrator, the police had hushed it up, and the person he lived with had disappeared; Hae-won’s whereabouts and identity had become mere gossip. Some said he was a male prostitute, others that he was a gambler in debt to loan sharks. It wasn’t something to say about a kid in his early twenties, but for them, as long as it was interesting and provocative, it was enough.

Listening to the residents chatting while gathered on a small wooden platform, only one person came to mind, and the thought was simple.

That bastard lives miserably wherever he goes.

And… fucking piece of shit Seo Hae-young.

The montage created through the mouths of the neighborhood residents pointed to one person. The bastard who was naturally gifted at pretending not to be and then preempting others to make things his own had been one step faster again. He wanted to kill the man who had snatched him away while he hesitated for a moment. The jealousy toward Seo Hae-young, who had claimed Yoon Hae-won without doing anything, boiled over, making him stride forward, only to give up at the front door because of one person.

Yoon Hae-won’s will, which had never mattered before, now bothered him maddeningly. How much must he have liked him to sell even his backside to a friend? Because of the doubt that perhaps he was happy now, he couldn’t take a single step. The sense of defeat that had rushed in before he could do anything receded like an ebb tide, leaving only trash on the shore.

Selfish, shameless, and brazen trash. He wanted to open up. He wanted comfort. Guilt and loss weighed down his entire body, making it unbearable. That he hadn’t done that much wrong, so that being this sorry should be enough. He wished Yoon Hae-won, who appeared in his dreams every single day, would say so and grant him forgiveness.

Tae-gyeom looked out the window and flicked the cigarette ash. The city lights, sparkling in all sorts of colors, were reflected in the blackened riverside. A group of students in uniforms hurried past the promenade, letting out clear laughter. The sound of laughter reaching the high floors poked at the pus he had swallowed for months. An unexpected confession tore through his dry lips.

“…We were kind of close.”

As Hee-seong, who looked like he was about to leave without gaining anything, rubbed his forehead, Tae-gyeom’s crooked mouth opened. Thinking he was finally hearing something, Hee-seong straightened his back and stared intently at the broad back. He considered throwing a cushion at Tae-gyeom for maintaining silence after just one sentence, but there was no need. The words that followed instantly changed Hee-seong’s annoyed expression.

“I raped him.”

“…What?”

Without looking back once, Tae-gyeom continued to smoke and let out shocking words without pause.

“I beat the shit out of him and raped him. Locked him up… with all those other bastards.”

The last summer, which he hadn’t opened up about to anyone, flowed out through the murky smoke.

“It was fun back then… I don’t know why it’s become like this now.”

The only person who could actually grant forgiveness wasn’t here, and he didn’t know why he was saying this to someone who looked like him.

His empty gaze traveled up the long stretch of the river. Turning into the familiar alley he could draw even with his eyes closed, an old apartment complex appeared. Arriving at the rusted door, inserting the key into the spinning lock and turning it, a small house appeared where the wall blocked the way before one could even take a few steps. Inside, there was a summer where a fan turned with a rattling sound and an old friend laughing while spouting nonsense. The scent of a sweat-soaked t-shirt, the soft skin that felt malleable in his hand, and the fragrance from the glistening nape of the neck tickled his nose on the night breeze. Hae-won wasn’t the only one trapped in that summer.

The unwelcome silence stretched. Tae-gyeom crushed out the shortened cigarette and stood up with a bitter smile, like fading ash.

“It’s a lie, you idiot.”

He lightly smacked the back of Hee-seong’s head, who had frozen like a statue, and headed for the refrigerator. As he gulped down cold water, the freezing liquid sliding down his throat cooled his swelling emotions. Whether it became three people or four, it was clear who the intruders were, but if he was the one who started it, he wanted to be the one to end it. It didn’t matter if they couldn’t return to the relationship they had before. A hollow laugh escaped him, realizing his selfishness in wanting to lighten his burden was no different from the vanished Joo Hyun-woo.

* * *

The scorching sunlight poured down. Lying on his stomach, Hae-won pressed the game controller with fingers wrapped in bandages. The cheerful electronic sound from the speakers announced another consecutive defeat. Even after attempting the easiest stage several times, the result was the same. He lost, lost, and lost again.

In the past, he would have laughed it off as just a bad day, but he couldn’t do that anymore. Because it felt as if the game was telling him that no matter how hard he tried, he could never win.

After staring at the window asking if he wanted to try again, he eventually turned off the game.

With nothing else to do, he fiddled with his itching ear and buried his face in a plush cushion.

The words Seo Hae-young had whispered since morning rolled around inside his ear canal. After realizing he had gone deaf, whispering sweet nothings had become Seo Hae-young’s new hobby. He didn’t know what secrets he had so many of, but he pressed his lips against Hae-won’s ear at all hours, and the left ear had become a pit dug in a reed forest. Reeds that didn’t shake even when the wind blew, and thus, secrets that would never leak out. The answer to the question “Do you like me?” which he had managed to ask, was also buried there.

He wanted to hear it, but he also wanted to never hear it. Because it would be despairing if the answer was yes, and sad if it was no, it was more peaceful not to hear it at all.

Even if he had been told to go to the hospital, he would have refused. He didn’t want to be officially diagnosed with a problem.

That’s why he liked Seo Hae-young’s nonchalant attitude. He was grateful that Hae-young treated him as if there were no problem, dismissing it as nothing. He was grateful, and he liked it. It had to be that way. Since feeling betrayed would only bring sadness, it had to be that way.

Hae-won held his breath, even though no one was strangling him. Ignoring the lungs that were shrinking and sparking pain, he gripped the cushion. If only he could just suffocate and die like this…

“Haa…!”

Having reached his limit, Hae-won lifted his head and gasped for air. The thumping sound of his heart echoed through his muffled ears. Then, the sound of the doorbell broke the silence, squeezing through the narrow gap.

The doorbell continued to ring as he walked down the stairs toward the entrance. He hadn’t received any notice that someone was coming, and there was no one who would visit on a weekday afternoon. He came down just in case he’d be scolded for turning away one of Seo Hae-young’s guests, but as soon as he checked the intercom showing the outside of the gate, his brow furrowed deeply. The guest waving and hovering in front of the camera was the unwelcome visitor from a few days ago.

“Isn’t the line huge here? I went after class, so I was late. The line was like—this long.”

Hae-won sincerely wanted to plug the one ear he had left. Setting aside the nauseatingly cheerful and kind voice, the person talked too much.

“I even skipped practice to buy this, so can’t you just eat one? Seo-hyun… I mean, a friend I used to see liked this place and went often, so it’s delicious. Not too sweet. Oh, do you like sweet things?”

He really talked an incredible amount. When Hae-won moved his hand from his chin to lightly cover his ear, it filtered the sound to some extent, but that didn’t mean the mouth stopped moving. Starting from the topic of whether the weather was hot, the conversation circled through desserts and eventually flowed into a story about a girlfriend he had broken up with recently. In the conversation that flowed without a clear theme, Hae-won didn’t utter a single word. It would be more accurate to say he had no chance to.

“But we’ll probably meet again soon. Since we spent so much time together… we can’t seem to end it.”

Hee-seong, who had been plopped on the floor instead of the sofa, leaned over the table. Hae-won, who had been glancing at his phone while gently chewing on a bandaged finger, looked up and his gaze entangled with eyes that held a soft light.

Hae-won, misinterpreting the gaze sent by Hee-seong, who was leaning his forehead against the cold glass table, furrowed his red, swollen inner corners of his eyes. An unvanishing inferiority complex interpreted the look arbitrarily and spread distorted thoughts.

Do I look pitiful? A miserable question formed on the tip of his tongue. Instead of asking openly, Hae-won let out a short sigh and dropped his head, turning on the phone screen in his hand. There were three hours and twenty minutes left until Seo Hae-young returned. He had to send one text per hour, meaning four more in total, but he had missed the timing because of Hee-seong’s sudden intrusion.

[Don’t you miss me?]

As soon as he read the text that arrived exactly on the hour, he bit his lip. Moving his fingers, Hae-won sent ‘I was playing a game,’ and after hesitating, added one more word: ‘Sorry.’ He thought Hae-young would read it late since he’d become busier recently, but the read receipt appeared almost instantly. Soon after,

[Did you win?]

A short reply arrived, and Hae-won sent a lie: ‘Yes.’ Pushing aside the phone that no longer received replies, he abruptly cut off Hee-seong, who was still chattering to himself.

“Seo Hae-young is late. Come back later if you want to see him.”

It was a somewhat late request for him to leave. Without hiding his discomfort, he pointed toward the entrance with his eyes. He should have told him before letting him in, but because he had barged in and swept through like a storm, he hadn’t had the chance. As he watched Hee-seong get up from the floor saying, “Oh, really?”, the other didn’t head for the door but instead perched on the sofa, leaving a small gap.

Hae-won retreated to the edge of the sofa, widening the ambiguous distance, and crossed his arms loosely, moving away from Hee-seong, who let out an embarrassed laugh. His wrist, dotted with fingerprints, disappeared between his side. After carefully observing Hae-won, who was curled up and pretending to be indifferent, Hee-seong checked the pressing time and brought up the main point.

“I didn’t come to see Seo Hae-young.”

“…Then?”

“Just. I came to see if you were doing well.”

Although he had kept smiling and bringing up all sorts of stories, Hee-seong also felt uncomfortable in front of someone who showed no sign of welcoming him. It was true that he had hesitated over whether to come or not. Seo Hae-young’s overtly clear attitude had drawn a line, and he wondered if he might get hit a few times for crossing that line at will. However, the story from Tae-gyeom—which didn’t even sound like a joke—and the lingering regret that filled the murky eyes and the chaotic house had led him here.

Kim Seo-hyun had once said that he would eventually get into trouble because of his meddlesomeness. But what could he do? Since the only thing he did after eating was exercise, he didn’t think he couldn’t handle taking a few hits. Organizing his thoughts while meaninglessly rubbing his clasped hands, Hee-seong spoke cautiously.

“Has… anyone come to visit you?”

Hae-won shook his head with a look of incomprehension. Ignorance dripped from his exhausted face. Hee-seong overlapped the face with deep traces of melancholy with Tae-gyeom’s story and stood up. There were about thirty minutes left until afternoon practice. If he ran, he could probably make it. While putting on his bag containing a change of clothes, he suddenly reached out and ruffled the brown hair. The hair, much softer than expected, tickled his fingers.

“See you again.”

Waving to Hae-won, who recoiled in surprise, Hee-seong left the space that felt like a haunted house, ignoring a lingering bad feeling. He didn’t forget to tell him to make sure to eat the dessert as he put on his sneakers with the heels folded down.

With the sound of the gate closing, Hae-won, left alone with the desserts neatly packed in pretty wrapping, repeatedly brushed up the hair the stranger had touched and then tidied it back. For some reason, he felt as if a strong scent of perfume had lingered. He buried his nose in his shoulder and sniffed, his eyes rolling around.

“I can’t…”

Seo Hae-young was sensitive. Before coming home, Hae-won had to scrub himself clean to get rid of any scent. As he hurried toward the second floor, Hae-won spotted a dessert box sitting lonely on the table and twisted his lips. He picked up the bag and entered the kitchen without hesitation. The colorful desserts were shoved into the trash can where the remains of lunch sat.

As the sun set and the time for Seo Hae-young’s return approached, Hae-won grew anxious. Pacing in front of the entrance and tidying his dry hair, Hae-won immediately clasped his hands and stood straight the moment he heard the sound of the passcode being entered. While the door opened, he recalled the growing list of precautions once more and forced the corners of his stiff lips upward.

Without a single word of greeting—no “I’m home” or “How have you been”—Seo Hae-young approached him swiftly, lightly gripped the nape of his neck, and pulled him in. Their lips locked instantly, and warm breaths mingled. Just as Hae-won felt a flicker of relief during the kiss, which was neither too long nor too short, the face pulled away and suddenly dropped to his neck. The breath inhaling his scent sent shivers down his spine.

“Did you wash?”

“Ah… yes.”

“You must have washed for a long time.”

The hand that had slid from his shoulder gripped his wrist. The feeling that the gaze staring intently at his shriveled knuckles was sharp was merely a result of his own misplaced victim mentality. When he avoided eye contact, offering the flimsy excuse that he washed for a long time because it was hot, a strong grip seized his cheek with one hand and turned his face.

“Want to lie again?”

“I’m not lying…”

“Tell me the truth. If you tell me now, I’ll let it slide.”

With his cheeks pressed, Hae-won flinched backward, only to be pulled back again. For some reason, he didn’t want to tell the truth about Lee Hee-sung stopping by, so his lips remained sealed. Within a grip that felt as if the thumb and index finger digging into his cheek might crush his teeth, Hae-won stared at Seo Hae-young with vacant eyes. A strange delusion mingled with his lifeless gaze.

If he said he came by briefly during the day, Hae-young would probably contact him to ask why. He would ask how he was, and then they would share a conversation known only to them, just like that day. Later, they might even meet for a meal while he remained trapped in this house, tapping away at a game console. The two would become closer, and a distance would naturally grow between him and them… He hated that.

When he shook his head slightly while held, Seo Hae-young lifted his chin with a suspicious expression and slid his hand down before Hae-won could stop him. Hae-won reflexively bent his waist and backed away, but the hand pushed forward relentlessly, digging into his groin. Gripping the genitals and perineum—skin that had been chafed from excessive touching—Seo Hae-young pulled his body close. Hae-won, his back hitting the shoe rack, couldn’t shake off the hand that was massaging him painfully and instead gripped Seo Hae-young’s shoulder.

“Augh…!”

“You chased me all the way to the entrance just because we didn’t do it for one day. All washed up, too.”

Seo Hae-young demanded an answer while inconsiderately kneading the genitals hidden beneath the thin pants. The pain from the pressure and the subtly rising pleasure flushed his pale cheeks. A playful sneer dropped from above his head as if mocking him.

Hae-won had no right to defy Seo Hae-young, who seemed to have forgotten the memory of telling him to wait at the entrance to coincide with his arrival. Consoling himself with the fact that his lie hadn’t been discovered, he nodded incessantly.

“I… I want to… so, please, your hand…”

“You’re fucking horny, seriously.”

Having obtained a satisfying answer, Seo Hae-young readily withdrew his hand. While Hae-won was busy pulling down the hem of his top to cover his semi-erect member, Seo Hae-young even gave his butt a smack as he brushed past. Staggering to barely keep his balance, Hae-won rubbed his stinging backside, even though the hit hadn’t been that hard.

“Wait in the study.”

Watching Seo Hae-young climb the stairs alone without looking back once, Hae-won silently touched his neck. Once the figure had completely disappeared, he let out a tiny voice.

“Welcome back.”

The greeting that should have come naturally if they were in a relationship only flowed out when there was no one left to receive it. Hae-won spoke again.

“How was your day?”

In dramas or movies, everyone asked it this way, but the conversations between him and Seo Hae-young were a bit peculiar. He was curious. Was this how everyone dated? Without excitement, without comfort, but with fear and sadness.

The mouth that had been pouring out mundane greetings, as if reciting a memorized script, snapped shut. Fiddling with his protruding Adam’s apple, Hae-won slowly took a step. One day, he wanted to try slashing his own throat with something sharp. He felt that if the flesh parted and the rotten blood drained through the gap, he might finally be able to breathe. And if he could breathe, perhaps he could find a reason to be sad.

* * *

The first day passed without incident. While Seo Hae-young handled his overtime work, Hae-won sucked his cock under the desk, unaware that the corners of his mouth were tearing, and for the first time in a while, he gave up his backside in a prone position. His bound wrists were left bruised, and his hole was nearly worn raw, but he couldn’t let this continue. This must not happen. Fine bloodshot veins appeared in his eyes as he glared at his phone.

[Save my number and contact me if you’re bored!]

He deleted the text from the unknown number as soon as he checked it. Naturally, he did not save the contact. Today marked the fourth visit. It seemed the person had taken his number while he had set the phone down for a moment; contrary to appearances, the person had bad habits. Because of Lee Hee-sung, who rang the doorbell every day or two, Hae-won’s nerves were on edge whenever it was daytime. Seeing as he didn’t come on weekends, it was clear that meeting Seo Hae-young wasn’t the goal, but Hae-won couldn’t find the reason for the visits either. If the reason was truly to see him, it was even more difficult to tell Seo Hae-young. Maybe he should have just said it then. The lie, growing like a snowball, created regret.

“Hey.”

“Uh, yes…?”

Startled by the sudden call, Hae-won instinctively flipped his phone over. Brushing back his wet hair, Seo Hae-young sat beside him and narrowed his eyes. Only after a short silence did Hae-won realize his mistake, opening his mouth and laughing awkwardly.

“I was surprised…”

“What were you doing to be surprised?”

Seo Hae-young took the hand that was clutching the blanket and interlaced their fingers, stroking the back of Hae-won’s hand with his thumb before suddenly applying pressure. Biting his lip, Hae-won silently endured the pain of being squeezed as if his bones would break. While twisting the hand of the docile Hae-won, who didn’t even say it hurt, Seo Hae-young climbed on top of him and kissed the furrow of his brow.

“Are you cheating again? Leaving me behind?”

“Ah…!”

A tingling agony radiated from his twisted wrist. As he writhed his body following the twisted wrist, a voice laced with laughter and a stinging kiss touched the nape of his neck.

“They say it’s a habit. Once you cheat, you keep doing it. You’re fucking not human, are you?”

He couldn’t tell if it was a reprimand or a joke. With his back pressed down, Hae-won struggled to turn his head, saw Seo Hae-young’s amused expression, and gave a powerless smile. After tormenting his neck and earlobe for a while, his body was suddenly flipped over. Seo Hae-young, hugging his waist tightly, burrowed deep into a narrow embrace that left no room for anyone else and closed his eyes.

“If you want to be treated like a human, behave yourself.”

“Yes…”

As expected, it was a conversation that felt peculiar as a greeting to end the day. Resting his chin on the soft hair, Hae-won closed his eyes for a moment, then suddenly bolted upright in shock. It was because of the red scene that stained his vision.

“What now?”

“No, it’s nothing…”

Pulled by the hand tugging at his arm, he lay back down in the same position, and the hand that had violently seized his face now rhythmically patted his back. But the trembling did not stop. The black-stained wallpaper of the room visible over Seo Hae-young’s shoulder was melting, and thick, sticky blood was flowing through the cracks. Red blood covering faces that were unrecognizable. The General Manager and Seung-wan, who had been crawling through the semi-basement. The nightmare created by the white hand patting his back unfolded sporadically, like a damaged film playing back. Gritting his teeth, Hae-won kept his eyes wide open and trembled violently.

Cheating, Lee Hee-sung, the General Manager, Seung-wan. There were no words that could be grouped together. There was no possibility that Seo Hae-young had made Lee Hee-sung look like that.

But why was he so afraid? He questioned himself while staring at the delusions that changed like channels every time he blinked. Then, as if providing the answer, a loud resonance spread from the small space where memories are kept.

“It’s all because you acted like a piece of shit.”

He felt that if he fell asleep now, he would have nightmares. He missed the insomnia that had once tormented him so much. If he forced his eyelids open, he saw monsters; if he closed them, nightmares poured out. And his prediction was exactly right; he woke up screaming several times during the night.

The nightmares even extended to Seo Hae-young’s shadowed face as he skillfully climbed onto his thighs and pinned down his struggling arms. Blood dripped from the insect-like face of the General Manager, wetting his cheek. He screamed until his voice went hoarse, got slapped, calmed down, and woke up again.

It was a hellish night brought on by Lee Hee-sung, who had invaded his daily life without permission. Also, while Hae-won did not remember, it was a night that was familiar to Seo Hae-young.

Lifting his swollen eyelids, Hae-won blankly stared at the bracelet sparkling in the dawn light. A hand, which had been resting against the headboard with a pillow, reached out and stroked his hair.

Sleep more.

The kind but coercive command forced his eyelids down. He thought he would be told to come out and see him off, but for once, Seo Hae-young showed mercy. He watched the figure leave the bedroom, saying he would return in the evening, and closed his eyes. Even when the warm sunlight eventually broke through the curtains, his closed eyes did not open.

Caught in the boundary where he could feel sensations but could not open his eyes, weighed down by a light drowsiness, Hae-won let out irregular, shallow breaths. The deepened depression once again drove his soul into a nightmare.

A damp semi-basement moldy with fungus, shouts and fingers digging into a hole, a blood-covered face. Even if he wanted to wake up, there was no one to wake him. He writhed his body with a groan, but as if paralyzed by sleep, it was difficult to even wiggle a toe.

“Hng…”

Then, the large bed tilted diagonally. A rough sensation caressed his bruised cheek and brushed back his disheveled hair. It was excessively vivid, yet lacked a sense of reality. Stiffly frozen, Hae-won wiggled his finger with all his might. The moment his index finger twitched, the chains binding his body vanished in an instant.

He was exhausted and wanted to fall back asleep, but if he did, he might have an even worse nightmare. He had no choice but to lift his eyelids, which felt as heavy as lead weights. His eyes, unable to adapt to the sudden brightness, blinked and absorbed the light. White curtains fluttering gently, a wide-open window, and someone with the sun at their back…

“Hae-young…”

He murmured the name, his lips trembling, but there was no answer. Hae-won reached out a powerless hand and touched the wrist resting on the bed. He thought that the reality of having to lean on the cause of his nightmares was more miserable than the dream itself.

When he tugged slightly at the wrist, a large palm caressed his cheek. Hae-won buried his lips into the palm, which felt strangely unfamiliar, and murmured hazily. That he kept having bad dreams. Every time his lips brushed and collided to form words, the palm, which twitched slightly, slowly settled over his eyelids. The slightly cool palm covered both eyes. As the bed slowly tilted, the breath that drew close tickled his lips. The lips that met, landing like a feather, did not push in a wet tongue, nor did they suck on the lower lip. They simply held their breath and conveyed warmth. The kiss, like a light greeting, calmed his heart, which was pounding with fear.

The silence of a weekday afternoon and the warm lips made his chest feel light. Hae-won, who had been quietly accepting the kiss, suddenly lifted his eyelids. His eyelashes brushed the palm and opened clearly. His vision was darkness, but Hae-won’s mind was wandering elsewhere.

A weekday afternoon. The only time they were together like this was the weekend… and the person pulling away did not have the familiar scent.

“Uh…”

Hae-won let out a bewildered sound. He lifted his limp arm and urgently touched the hand covering his eyes. His sense of touch, heightened by the lack of sight, wandered over the back of the hand and fingers. It was rough and the knuckles were thick. When he checked all the way to the fingertips, his mouth opened even wider. It wasn’t Seo Hae-young.

The moment he realized, the blood warming his body drained away. His breathing faltered and his shoulders stiffened. The hand lightly covering his eyes was withdrawn as soon as it sensed the trembling. In eyes filled with fear instead of drowsiness, the other person came into view.

The wind blowing around the alley scattered the white curtains across the bed. Through the thin fabric settling calmly, a furrowed brow, a scar beneath the eye, and a gaze that looked dry and ready to crumble were revealed. It was a person who should not be here.

His mind, still hazy from just waking from a nightmare, took quite a while to process the situation. The hand brushing over his forehead, where cold sweat had gathered, was still different from Seo Hae-young’s soft skin. Hae-won blinked his eyes open and slowly recognized the person. As the man, who smelled of heavy perfume instead of cigarettes, sighed and wiped his eyes, the face of an old friend appeared. The moment he recognized Go Tae-gyeom, his heart dropped to his toes and his limbs froze.

While he only rolled his eyes, trying to guess Seo Hae-young’s whereabouts, Go Tae-gyeom, whose face looked much worn down, gently held the hand lying next to the pillow. The hand, burdened by a weight light enough to be shaken off at any time, twitched. Pushing away the rough hand, Hae-won let out a raspy voice.

“You… you can’t come here.”

“…Why.”

Pulling his upper body up and touching his stiff neck, Hae-won looked at the wide-open window with a strange expression.

“How, the passcode…”

“You told me before. Four zeros.”

Tae-gyeom, frowning one eye as if he had a headache, answered while pressing his temple. Hae-won fiddled with a finger wrapped in a bandage and left a lukewarm response, “Ah…” It was a relief he hadn’t come through the window, but his memory of giving the passcode was hazy. No matter how much he thought about it, he hadn’t even known he was still using a passcode that had no answer. But the source of the passcode wasn’t the important thing right now. He got off the messy bed and grabbed Tae-gyeom’s arm.

“Leave. You have to leave.”

“That bastard is busy today. He’ll be late.”

“No. Seo Hae-young hates it. Get up, quickly…”

He grabbed the arm with both hands and tugged, but the fairly heavy build didn’t budge. His body, which in the past could have at least pushed the other away even if it couldn’t lift him, wouldn’t listen. Tae-gyeom, staring silently at the shriveled wrist, reached out and wrapped his arm around Hae-won’s waist, pulling him in. The recoil caused by the overwhelming difference in strength shook Hae-won’s knees. His legs, full of scars, gave way, and he was suddenly pulled into an embrace that smelled of an unfamiliar scent.

“Ugh…!”

The moment Tae-gyeom’s scent overwhelmed his entire body, fear took precedence over the loathing for the person in front of him. He felt that even if he scrubbed the touching skin raw from now on, the lingering scent would remain. Seo Hae-young would be angry, he would be hit, he might even be kicked out… With trembling hands, he urgently pushed the hard shoulder away, but it didn’t seem to be of much use.

“Seo Hae-young is late. It’s okay, just for a moment…”

Tae-gyeom, burying his face in the nape of the neck, slid the hand supporting the back. The thin pajama fabric was crumpled here and there by the palm, but it did not invade the skin that was occasionally revealed. Tae-gyeom cupped his palm to hold the protruding shoulder blade in one hand, applied pressure with his fingers to trace down the straight spine, and stroked the ribs clearly visible beneath the skin.

Tae-gyeom was too preoccupied with satisfying his own desires to check Hae-won’s condition in his arms. It was different from the past dreams where he couldn’t catch him even if he touched, and couldn’t smell anything even if he pressed his nose against him. The body winding around his hand was warm, and the scent was cozy.

There was another difference from the dream. The two legs that had pulled him in by the waist without a single rebellion were now stiffly frozen, and the hands that had clawed at the single layer of mat now pushed his shoulder away violently. Instead of the moans that flowed in a hoarse voice, words of refusal came out.

“I… I’ll really be killed by Hae-young… let go of this, please…”

The voice, terrified to the core, awakened his drifted consciousness. Letting out a sigh that bordered on a hollow laugh, Tae-gyeom couldn’t face him and rested his forehead against Hae-won’s chest. The sound of the heart, beating as if it would burst, was desperately spitting out refusals, but he tightly held the body that tried to pull away with eyes shut tight.

“I won’t do anything. So, fuck… I’m sorry, but I’ll just stay for a moment.”

The guilt and regret piled atop the newly blossomed, ticklish affection had grown bloated during the long period of separation, to the point where he no longer knew what his feelings for Hae-won even were. He simply hoped for complete forgiveness. A forgiveness that would allow them to face each other with dignity, smiling and saying, it was just like that back then. And he hoped for the possibility of starting over. He knew that was too much to ask, so he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud.

“I’m sorry, fuck… I’m sorry….”

Hae-won, who had been silently listening to the apology mixed with a few words of ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I was wrong,’ buried his face in both hands.

This was wastewater. It was useless, containing only residue, and provided no comfort. For Hae-won, the day he met Go Tae-gyeom in that alleyway had been the end. His feelings for Tae-gyeom weren’t large enough to have dragged on until today, and his anger toward him had long since subsided. Tae-gyeom seemed to want to repent now, but he was utterly devoid of conscience. So, picking his words carefully, Hae-won opened his mouth, which felt stuck. He pushed a sense of emptiness into every short sentence, determined to truly end it this time.

“I get it. I get it… but Tae-gyeom. Even when I begged, you didn’t stop. I begged you so much, I told you not to, but you kept doing it. You can’t do this now. If you were going to be sorry, you shouldn’t have done it. I—I’m really… I’m living well now. Everything is fine, so why are you doing this again? Because of you, right now….”

Resentment toward Tae-gyeom, who had pushed things to a point where not only the pajamas but even the blankets had to be washed, prevented kind words from coming out. Tae-gyeom was the one before him, but it was Seo Hae-young who filled every gap in Hae-won’s mind.

Stunned by the words ‘living well,’ Tae-gyeom finally looked up, staring at the bruised cheek before his face distorted miserably. His amber eyes were strange. Within those eyes, which held a peculiar kind of faith, there was neither judgment nor will. It was obvious how Seo Hae-young must have manipulated him. Beating him, drilling things into his head, beating him again, and drilling them in.

Upon meeting Tae-gyeom’s eyes, the headache Hae-won thought would vanish upon meeting him instead doubled. If Tae-gyeom had remained where he was or left for a place where he couldn’t be found, it wouldn’t have been this painful. If he hadn’t chosen the three people who ruined his past and had instead managed to lighten his burden and live on, Hae-won might have ignored him. Tae-gyeom gripped Hae-won’s arm as he tried to pull away, muttering a question that seemed impossible to resolve.

“Why is that bastard okay, but I’m not? You told me to leave you alone. Then why, even while getting beaten, why specifically that kind of….”

“Seo Hae-young is… Seo Hae-young, and you are….”

Hae-won trailed off, letting out a painfully obvious truth. Their natures were different. Just as Lee Hee-sung and he were fundamentally different, Seo Hae-young and Go Tae-gyeom were different. The depth of the emotions they had built over a long time was different. He couldn’t think of any modifiers to add, nor did he need them.

Even though he didn’t finish the sentence, Tae-gyeom wore an expression as if he understood perfectly. That hollow, desperate look failed to leave a single scratch on Hae-won’s heart. As the grip on his arm began to loosen, Hae-won twisted his wrist free and chewed on his lip.

“Just leave now…. And don’t come looking for me.”

Just as he turned around to close the open window, his wrist was caught. Pulled by a strength he still couldn’t shake off, Hae-won was handed a thin object. Tae-gyeom, hiding his reddened eyes, spoke in a weary voice.

“I came to give you this. You left it behind.”

The green passport in his hand was clean and uncreased, proving it had never been used. Opening the stiff cover, a photo appeared where mottled skin had been pushed back into a pure white. It was a passport made around the time winter was approaching, something he had completely forgotten. He wondered why Tae-gyeom had it, but just as he had forgotten telling him his password, he couldn’t remember this either. Tae-gyeom pressed a neatly folded piece of paper into the hand of the Hae-won who was staring blankly at the passport.

“Go. I won’t look for you.”

Tae-gyeom had to tighten his fist to avoid dragging Hae-won, who stood there like a fixture. It was the only solution he had come up with with a head full of alcohol since the day Hee-sung left. The only way was to clear him away so that no one would ever notice.

It was a place where a trustworthy relative lived, and a country that wasn’t bad for taking a rest. It was a place he visited whenever he took a vacation, but if Hae-won didn’t want to, he could cut ties with it. It wasn’t that he didn’t hope they would meet by chance in the far distant future. It was a decision made after wavering dozens of times, even while making requests with various excuses. The introduction had been miserably ruined, but since the main point had to be delivered properly, he forced a calm expression.

“I’ve told them in advance, so you just need to call. Go and live your own life. I won’t look for you, and no one else will. Once you learn the language and adjust, you can live alone. So….”

“Just to make yourself feel better?”

However, Hae-won’s attitude was not soft. The silence he maintained because he couldn’t deny it brought a hollow laugh. With a void smile, Hae-won tucked the paper between the pages of the passport and placed it on the nightstand.

How could he believe the words that no one would find him, and how could he believe the promise that he wouldn’t come looking? Or perhaps Seo Hae-young had manipulated Go Tae-gyeom to test him. Hae-won forced the corners of his trembling lips upward into a smile. The manic smile fit terribly well with the words that followed.

“I’m doing… well right now, and I just have to avoid doing things that make Seo Hae-young angry.”

It was a single sentence that built a high wall, ensuring that Tae-gyeom’s zeal and clingy emotions could not reach him.

* * *

“You don’t have to go right away. If it’s hard… then think about it.”

Hae-won chewed over Tae-gyeom’s final words as he shoved the stripped bedding into the washing machine. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to leave for somewhere. He was exhausted and struggling. Always gauging Seo Hae-young’s mood, falling into a bottomless depression. But above all, he needed courage to leave, and as always, he was too cowardly.

What if he was caught before even boarding the plane? What if Seo Hae-young found him even there? What if he lived under Seo Hae-young’s shadow even after leaving? Countless questions and doubts blocked his ears and covered his eyes. Seized by fear at the mere imagination, Hae-won hid the returned passport under the rug of the room filled with toys. While cleaning the dust-free room, he stepped on the rug dozens of times, crushing the rising impulse.

He moved busily around the house, but as soon as he put new bedding on the bare bed, he had nothing left to do. After sending a text to Seo Hae-young saying he was awake, he paced the room before lifting the rug as if possessed and taking out the passport. On the paper tucked inside the passport, a contact number and address were briefly written.

“…Bali.”

Hae-won, barely reading the address written in English, rolled his eyes. He knew it was a resort destination, but he didn’t know much about the country. Crumpling the edge of the paper, he examined the passport that had appeared out of nowhere. In front of the page with his foolish face engraved, a short sentence was written. Sitting in the middle of the empty house, in a room where not even noise could be heard, he slowly read the short sentence.

「Please allow the bearer of this passport to pass without hindrance」

After sliding the neatly folded passport back under the rug, Hae-won entered the study as if possessed. He turned on the computer screen and pulled up a chair to sit. Even moving and clicking the mouse was sluggish. He searched for flights to Bali’s airport and even looked up photos, but he had no intention of leaving. He was simply curious. What would it be like to leave with just that palm-sized passport, go to a place with an endless blue sea and lush green trees, change his name, and live using a different language?

However, his broken imagination soon spiraled into misery. The image of not being able to find a house, not being able to communicate, not being able to earn money, and eventually dying on the street like his father made him close the window. The short sentence from the passport was embroidered over the blackened monitor.

「And to grant all necessary facilities and protection…」

He shook his head and muttered softly.

“I… like it how it is now.”

I’m happy and comfortable. Seo Hae-young is good to me, and there’s no mold. Being hit doesn’t hurt. Sex feels good, and there are plenty of things to play with. I like it how it is now. Just because I have a passport doesn’t mean anyone will protect me. I have to be satisfied.

He whispered, knocking his forehead against the hard desk. He had to nip the bud in the first place. Since Seo Hae-young’s words—that he should behave well if he wanted to be treated like a human—were likely not a lie, he had to keep his wits about him.

Lifting his reddened forehead, Hae-won tidied the place as if he had never been there and moved to the next room. As he crossed the living room, he didn’t forget to step firmly on the rug where the passport lay in silence.

Curling up on a plush beanbag, he cut out the images of the resort flickering in his mind. While the fantasy was being hacked away in chunks as if flesh were being carved, he soothed the emptiness with another delusion. It was a delusion of leaving for a place where absolutely no one could find him. It was so enjoyable that he laughed. He had found something to do until Seo Hae-young returned.

* * *

That evening, it was good that he had sent Tae-gyeom away without incident, but a hidden ambush remained. After showering and putting on new pajamas, Hae-won looked anxiously at Seo Hae-young’s back as he stood before the bed. Sure enough, the interrogation came.

“Why did you change the blankets?”

“I sweated a lot. I hung them up right away.”

He gave the prepared excuse and immediately tried to change the subject, but Seo Hae-young’s gaze as he looked at the checkered bed was not very good.

“You should have used the dryer.”

“I haven’t used it before…. I thought they’d dry quickly, so….”

Hae-won, who had unfolded the drying rack and painstakingly hung the washed blankets, frowned as he realized his mistake. He hadn’t thought that far. As he let out the excuse, Seo Hae-young brushed his eyes and gave an inscrutable look with a smileless expression. Irritability was added to his tired face, and finally, unexpected words flowed from his lips.

“I have work, so go to sleep first.”

Then, he left the bedroom without a word. Hae-won, already feeling guilty, followed cautiously behind Seo Hae-young as he headed toward the study and asked. It was also to gauge his mood.

“…Shall I make you some coffee?”

“Sure.”

A plain answer returned. The sensitive reaction seemed to be due to fatigue. Breathing a sigh of relief, Hae-won immediately turned back and went down to the kitchen, and in the meantime, Seo Hae-young entered the study, turned on the computer, and listed the things he needed to finish.

The accumulated fatigue from calming Hae-won all night dampened his mood. He clicked the mouse aimlessly, thinking he would make Hae-won sit and touch him once he brought the coffee, when suddenly a window at the bottom of the screen caught his eye. As soon as he frowned and clicked it, the window that filled the screen was a flight booking page. Seo Hae-young, leaning back in his chair with indifference, scrolled down the page and opened the search history. It was all Bali, Bali, Bali. After silently visiting every page, Seo Hae-young closed all the pop-up windows just as the familiar sound of slippers dragging reached his ears.

Hae-won, who placed the coffee filled with ice on the desk, stopped as he was about to leave the room.

“Nothing to say?”

It was because of the voice coming from behind. Turning back, Seo Hae-young, perched on the chair, raised an eyebrow. Hae-won smiled awkwardly and looked away.

“Work hard….”

“Is that all?”

The question was thrown, and Hae-won, his smile vanishing, stiffened his expression, not knowing what answer to give. Even when asked ‘Hmm?’, Seo Hae-young, resting his chin on his hand, gave no helpful clue. Staring at the hesitating Hae-won who let out a small gasp, Seo Hae-young moved his hand. The back of his hand, sliding across the wooden desk, pushed the glass cup. The glass cup falling below the desk shattered with a loud crash! The crystal glass broke mercilessly, and the ice and dark-colored coffee inside were scattered everywhere.

Frozen by the high-pitched sound that pierced his ears, Hae-won looked up with vacant eyes. Seo Hae-young, who had made a mess of the study floor, didn’t give him a single glance and continued his remaining work, flipping through a thick book. And then, consecutively.

“Make it again.”

A flat command fell. A tremor ran through his fingertips. Closing and opening his eyes tightly to clear his dizzy vision, Hae-won hurriedly ran down and brewed the coffee again. His trembling hands made a mess of the counter, but he went back up to the second floor without time to clean it.

“He-here….”

This time, placing the cup near the center of the desk, Hae-won quickly crouched down and picked up the scattered glass shards. He gathered the broken pieces in his palm, threw them away, and brought a rag. Everything was done in dead silence. To avoid disturbing Seo Hae-young, who was flipping pages, writing something, and typing on the keyboard, he crawled stealthily across the cold floor, wiping up the spilled coffee.

His heart pounded uncontrollably, too much to find small comfort in the fact that there was no rug. Perhaps he had become too accustomed to Seo Hae-young, who had been soothing him without losing his temper, as the sudden irritation felt more frightening. Perhaps because he was too shocked, not even tears came. Gasping for breath, he wiped the floor, crawling until he reached the coffee stains splashed on the chair legs.

Kneeling and wiping away the spotted coffee, he stole glances upward. After rolling his eyes three or four times, he met the downward-cast eyes. He was so startled his hand slipped, but he didn’t avoid the gaze. Seo Hae-young put down his pen and reached out, and Hae-won, facing the soft palm, reflexively rubbed his cheek against it. However, Seo Hae-young’s expression as he looked down from the chair remained cold.

“Did I tell you to clean it?”

“I—I thought you might get hurt…. If it’s in the way….”

“Stay seated.”

Hae-won, who had been about to stand, tucked in his protruding knees and knelt obediently. Then, a large hand stroked his head as if he had done well. Gauging the mood, Hae-won threw away the rag and wiped his hands on his pajama pants. A small piece of glass embedded in his palm had torn the skin, but he felt no pain. Clenching his fingers, which were clean without a drop of blood, he leaned his upper body forward.

“Can—can I blow you? If you’re in a bad mood….”

Sighing deeply, Seo Hae-young pushed his head away with one hand.

“I guess that’s the only thought in your head.”

Hae-won swayed helplessly, and though he quickly regained his balance, he couldn’t do anything about the sorrow. The only things he knew how to do were blowing and giving his back, but the moody Seo Hae-young wouldn’t even accept those.

While staring blankly at the floor and comparing himself to the discarded rag, Seo Hae-young, who had been repeatedly letting his hair fall and gripping it, pressed his shoulder down as if granting a favor. The hand massaging his shoulder added pain rather than releasing the knotted muscles.

“Do you want to go to Bali?”

“…Bali?”

Hae-won, who had been shrinking and groaning, immediately snapped his head up at the voice falling from above. Seo Hae-young gestured slightly toward the computer.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I can make time.”

With wide eyes, he looked back and forth between Seo Hae-young and the computer. He had clearly confirmed that the window was closed. He thought he had even turned off the computer…. Did he? Suddenly, he wasn’t sure. His heart pounded as if it were about to jump out of his throat, but he forced the corners of his lips up.

“I just saw it in a movie…. You’re busy. You don’t have to worry about it. It’s okay.”

He wanted to escape the spot, fearing that some nonsense might slip out. Coincidentally, his kneeling legs were tingling. He tried to push himself up from the floor, but a heavy force pressed firmly on his shoulder, seating him back down. Wrapping his neck lightly with one hand, Seo Hae-young spoke leisurely in a monotonous tone.

“We should get a passport first. Right?”

“I’m really okay….”

“Let’s go next month. You’ve put on a bit of weight, right? I’ll buy you new clothes.”

Biting his lip, Hae-won could only listen silently to the imaginary plan flowing from the reddened mouth.

Seo Hae-young, talking about swimming in the day, eating lunch, and walking along the beach in the evening, did not have an excited voice, nor did he smile. Rather, as time passed, the grip massaging his nape grew harsher. After humming for a while as if dreaming, Seo Hae-young suddenly fell silent and turned a page.

Confused as to whether he didn’t know or was pretending not to know, Hae-won didn’t dare speak and remained stuck by his side, kneeling throughout the long hours of remaining work. By the time he was breaking into a cold sweat, rubbing his legs that had gone from stinging pain to complete numbness, a sentence filled with a sigh pierced his ear.

“Hae-won… at least show that you like it.”

The hand that had been on the back of his neck shifted to lightly tap his cheek. Hae-won let out a meaningless “Ah,” then opened his stinging palm. The embedded shard of glass was large enough to be plucked out with his fingers, but he deliberately left it there and clenched his fist. As his palm folded and the sharp edge dug into the joint of his ring finger, finally drawing blood, the suffocating feeling in his chest eased slightly. He nodded slowly, widening the wound.

He thought it would be wonderful. He poured a hollow sentiment into the sound of turning pages.