5 – Chicken Game (10)

Chapter 8

After the incident in the study, where he had been unable to walk without support, Seo Hae-young seemed the same as usual, yet something was subtly different. It was a minute change, but for Hae-won, who had spent eleven years with him, it was a difference he could feel in his skin.

Hae-young spoke and laughed less. He came home later, and they no longer shared a bed. The number of texts he sent increased, and as soon as he returned home, he paced throughout every room. Hae-won would wake alone in the early hours of the morning, secretly watching Hae-young’s retreating back as he left without a goodbye, biting at his newly healed fingers until the wounds reopened. When he held out his scabbed hands to Seo Hae-young late at night, Hae-young would simply click his tongue and wrap them in bandages.

That was all. No questions were asked about how he got hurt. Unable to stop Seo Hae-young as he rose from the sofa and entered the study as if his work were finished, Hae-won began intentionally hitting his knees against the edge of the bed starting the next day. He slammed his forearms against the corners of books and beat his thighs wildly with his fists.

Colorful bruises multiplied beneath his thin pajamas, but Seo Hae-young never once undressed him. Consequently, he never discovered the injuries. As a week of baseless self-abuse passed, Hae-won deleted three or four texts from Hee-sung and glanced at his hidden passport. Delusions and impulses became violent waves, frequently invading his hollowed-out mind. Thus, on a bright Wednesday, Hae-won finally sat his backside down on a low stool.

In a space no one used, lacking even simple toiletries, he fiddled with a piece of metal in his hand while watching the bathtub fill. Water poured steadily from the silver faucet into the white tub. The cover blocking the drain blurred and wavered as a transparent pool began to gather. This windowless second-floor bathroom reminded him of a villa, and since the tub was small, the first-floor bathroom was usually more suitable. He held his breath and waited for the moment.

He hoped he would get tired of it. From the moment he sat on that beach, he hoped Hae-young would simply grow sick of him. The pleasant flutter of excitement had long since been replaced by fear, and the heart that wavered at a single glance had become not just tedious, but nauseating. But looking back now, there was one thing he had overlooked.

If Seo Hae-young grew tired of fucking him, it wouldn’t simply end with him being tossed into the trash like a used glove. If he were discarded in this state, there was no way for him to survive. The people he believed were friends had demolished every path, leaving him with nothing but a rotten, literally rag-like body. After facing reality last night, the vision that had stained the back of the soundly sleeping Seo Hae-young led his bruise-covered body to the study, and then to the bathroom.

So, this was practice. This was what he had to do when Seo Hae-young finally grew tired of everything. Since he couldn’t find a single reason to keep living in this state, he had to cut himself apart in chunks so there would be nothing left to burn. Holding the metal object he had taken from the stationery holder in one hand, he scraped the bathtub with a grating sound.

The slender blades of the scissors were sharp enough to cleanly slice through filthy flesh and contaminated bone. Screech, screech. The spine-chilling sound was drowned out by the roar of the water. While his hand moved vacantly, countless scratches appeared on the white tub. He slowly moved the blade to his arm, but it only hovered over the skin, failing to make a single deep cut before returning to the tub. Even though he had only made a few scratches, a terrible terror surged. Collapsing against the rim of the tub, Hae-won exhaled a tense breath.

“Ugh…”

He still didn’t have the courage to cut. The imagination of cutting himself so meticulously that the pieces couldn’t be put back together—disappearing without a trace—was infinitely pleasurable, but equally terrifying.

As his arm, marked with thin scratches, slid slowly into the tub, his wrist flowed into the rippling water. Just as the heartless stream of water raised the level, the sound of the doorbell, louder than the water, drowned out the noise of the bathroom.

The scissors slipped from his weakened hand and fell into the tub, but there was no time to retrieve them. Staring blankly toward the exit, Hae-won scrubbed the blood-beaded skin of his arm with a towel draped over the stool. It seemed the person he had been waiting for had arrived. Without hesitating as he had before, he quickly dashed out of the bathroom, completely forgetting that the faucet was still turned all the way on.

“My exams are over! I don’t even have practice…!”

As soon as Hee-sung opened the front door and entered, Hae-won grabbed him by the collar and yanked him forward. Being stuck in this house meant having nothing but time, and since the only thing he could do was fantasize, he had thought about Lee Hee-sung quite a lot. The suspicion that Lee Hee-sung, who drifted in and out of the house, was connected to the suddenly appearing Go Tae-gyeom was likely not an overactive delusion. And Seo Hae-young had changed since Go Tae-gyeom visited. Entering the living room, Hae-won let go of the collar and spat out the irritation he had been accumulating.

“I told you to stay out of this. So why do you keep coming? Is this fun for you?”

Startled by the sudden grab and the excessively sharp reaction, Hee-sung shrugged with a nonchalant expression.

“Can’t I just come over to hang out? I was just passing by and stopped in.”

A hollow, breathless laugh escaped Hae-won’s teeth. As if he were just “passing by” a house at the very edge of a residential area. Glaring at Hee-sung, who was tilting his head, claiming he heard the sound of water, Hae-won spoke through twisted lips.

“I guess that’s why you told Go Tae-gyeom to come hang out, too.”

Hee-sung, who had been about to move, froze.

“…Did he come here?”

Hae-won found confirmation in the surprised eyes and the hesitating tone. His prediction was correct. Instead of replying, he quickly turned around and ran up the stairs. He knew he shouldn’t treat a guest this way, but to him, Lee Hee-sung was not a guest. Unlike the days when he walked quietly, his heels now slammed against the floor. With every step, murky and damp emotions dripped away.

Lee Hee-sung poked around, and Go Tae-gyeom played along. That was why Seo Hae-young had changed. There was no other reason. He had to get rid of that ominous thing immediately.

With eyes burning red, Hae-won gripped the rug and flipped it over. As the piled-up books crashed down, the passport pushed far away caught his eye. He crawled on his knees and snatched the passport. Quickly leaving the room and heading down to the living room, he found Hee-sung standing blankly, carefully placing a shopping bag on the table.

“I, I didn’t mean it like…”

“This isn’t needed, so tell him to deal with it himself.”

Muttering through gritted teeth, Hae-won practically threw the passport at him and pushed the unwelcome guest toward the door. Hee-sung, who was about to be kicked out the moment he stepped inside, hurriedly turned around and lightly gripped Hae-won’s forearm.

“Wait, Yoon Hae-won. Hae-won.”

Hee-sung, who had intended to drop by casually with snacks as usual and then leave, quickly chose his words. He had wanted to bring up the topic after they became reasonably close, but seeing Hae-won’s attitude—acting as if he would never open the door again if he left now—urgency took over.

“I just… I came because I wanted to help. I wanted to talk, to get closer…”

Though he managed to open his mouth, Hee-sung hesitated, unable to bring himself to say the words he had heard from Tae-gyeom. He knew the situation was precarious, but he settled for saying he “could help.” Unfortunately, those words were Hae-won’s trigger.

“Why you?”

The face that had been trying to remain calm crumbled, and a sudden surge of hostility shut Hee-sung’s mouth.

What had happened to the people who stepped forward saying they would help until now? Where did they go? They turned their backs when things were hardest, and when he felt he might survive, he ended up covered in blood. He had believed the words “I’ll help” only to end up in this state, locked away in a house like this; he couldn’t believe it again. Moreover, if the opponent was Lee Hee-sung, he’d rather be dead.

As soon as he acknowledged his wretched heart, a crooked, asymmetrical smile formed on his lips. Blocking Hee-sung, who was trying to step back inside to talk, Hae-won spat out his turbulent emotions.

“Everyone says they’re fine, so why are you doing this? You think coming here like this and saying a few words is some kind of good deed, but it’s just fucking disgusting. It’s annoying. I like it the way it is now. I really do. You… you at least have a place to go back to, but I… I only have this place, so please just…”

Before he could spit out the words “Get out,” there was a light, tinkling sound of a bell. Hae-won, struggling to control his emotions, wondered if he was hearing things, but then he suddenly realized.

The artificial sound of the bell was the front gate opening. It was a sound that, the moment it hit the ear, made one wait at the entrance. His stiff head turned toward the intercom on the wall. The intercom screen, emitting a high-pitched tone, flashed and then went dark. His eyes whipped in the opposite direction, capturing the garden where not a single speck of sunset had landed. Beyond the window overlooking the bluish garden, the gate situated below the high wall was opening.

“Ah…”

A man, glancing at his wristwatch, strode in along a path familiar to his body. Hae-won, who vividly remembered the sight of that back leaving the bedroom in a light suit early this morning, froze, unable to make a sound. Hee-sung, who had followed Hae-won’s gaze toward the garden, let out a groan of dismay.

Seo Hae-young had returned home early.

About twenty steps from the garden to the entrance. There was no time to wash the pajamas scented with his smell, nor time to ventilate. There was no time to be spaced out, thinking he wouldn’t come at this hour. Gripping the arm of the Hee-sung he had been ruthlessly pushing away, Hae-won glanced around frantically and led him toward the kitchen.

Hee-sung, dragged along in confusion, became anxious as he watched Hae-won search for a hiding spot like a madman. Not understanding why they had to hide, he came to a sudden halt, and their eyes—one filled with trembling anxiety—met briefly before darting away.

“Just tell him you came to hang out. I’ll handle it.”

Opening the sliding door to the small pantry where processed foods were stacked, Hae-won pushed the reluctant Hee-sung inside and whispered just before closing the door.

“You’ll be fine.”

After telling him to stay quiet and leave on his own, Hae-won closed the door and ran to the living room. He paced himself to the sound of the passcode being entered, then spotted the shopping bag on the table. Startled, he shoved the bag under the sofa with a distorted face. He hated everything about it—the fact that the man had bought something despite Hae-won never having asked. As soon as he shoved it out of sight and straightened his back, he forced an awkward smile without a moment’s rest.

“…You’re home early.”

He bit his lip hard to suppress the shortness of breath from running around.

“Is that not allowed?”

Seo Hae-young, who had passed through the hallway and entered the living room, dropped the jacket he had been carrying on his arm to the floor. It was slightly different from his usual habit of folding his clothes neatly. Hae-won couldn’t take his eyes off Seo Hae-young, who was rolling up his shirt sleeves as if he were hot, looking around the room. Approaching without a word, Seo Hae-young suddenly frowned and turned his head.

“I hear something.”

Thinking he had already been caught, Hae-won stiffened his jaw, then suddenly bolted upright as a memory hit him.

“Ah…!”

The bathroom. He had completely forgotten the bathtub. As he ran to the bathroom where the water had been running the whole time, to make matters worse, the water had filled the tub and was overflowing, streaming out onto the floor. He hurriedly kicked off his slippers and stepped onto the soaked tiles with a splashing sound. He reached out and turned the faucet that was incessantly spewing water, and the noise finally stopped.

His Blinking Disorder had become much worse than before. Thinking that something terrible would have happened if he had left the stove on, even a small mistake felt like an unbearable weight of self-reproach, suffocating him.

How could he have forgotten this? Sliding down, Hae-won leaned his forehead against the rim of the tub. In his tear-filled eyes, he saw the scissors sunk deep in the water. But there was no time to retrieve them. He felt a presence approaching from behind. It was the sound of hard shoe soles stepping on the tiles.

Slowly turning his head, Hae-won’s gaze traveled up from Seo Hae-young’s shoes to his legs, waist, torso, and finally to his face. By the time he reached the sharp jawline and the downturned eyes, his body was trembling like an aspen leaf. He didn’t know why, but his instinct warned him of danger. Dropping his tightly pressed lips, a voice entirely different from the one he had used with Hee-sung—utterly submissive—flowed out.

“I… I was going to take a bath, but I forgot…”

“Alone?”

Seo Hae-young, who was taking off his wristwatch, asked calmly without giving him a single glance. It made sense; Hae-won couldn’t even shower without leaving the door wide open and glancing outside. It was a fact that Seo Hae-young, who always stayed by his side, knew well. Staggering as he pushed himself up from the tub, Hae-won couldn’t find a proper excuse and had no choice but to nod.

“If I leave the door open…”

The wristwatch hanging from white fingers was suddenly thrown out of the bathroom. While he was staring toward the hallway, thinking Huh?, long fingers tangled deep into his disheveled hair. The stinging sensation of his scalp being pulled blurred his vision.

Hae-won stared blankly with parted lips at Seo Hae-young, who wasn’t smiling in the slightest. He had rolled up his sleeves and taken off his watch. He was wearing dress shoes, and he wasn’t smiling. As goosebumps erupted down his spine, the hair he was being held by was yanked forward. His knees buckled helplessly, and his thighs hit the tub with a dull, aching thud.

“Hae-young, Hae-young… Why, why are you doing this…?”

It felt as if his scalp was being ripped off while he was still alive. He desperately called his name, but a large palm flew out and slapped his cheek hard. Because his hair was being held, his head didn’t turn, but his vision went dark for a moment. He could see nothing. The tears falling on his burning cheek were hotter than ever.

When his vision finally returned, he looked up tearfully, but the bright bathroom lights and the sunlight streaming through the window flashed and blurred dizzily, like a scene transition. Blood flowed from his nose, seeping into the creases of his lips.

“I told you to behave if you wanted to be treated like a human. Did you forget this, too?”

He thought he had an excuse for this one thing, but there was no time to speak. In an instant, his head was shoved down into the overflowing bathtub. Countless bubbles erupted from his mouth, surging upward.

The words he wanted to say proudly—that Lee Hee-sung had visited and seemed to suspect their relationship, that Go Tae-gyeom had come and told him where to run away but he had refused without even listening, that he had hidden it because he didn’t want to upset him—all became bubbles and vanished. His limbs flailed wildly. He grabbed the tub, then kicked it; the puddles on the tiles soaked his thin pants, and lukewarm water surged into his throat.

Just as his lungs and stomach filled with water and he stood on the brink of death, he was suddenly pulled up for air.

“Cough…! Gasp, haa…! Hack!”

“I knew you’d do this… Was it worth the wait? Huh?”

He had to cough and heave, his chest heaving as he sucked in desperate breaths. The veins on the back of his hand, gripping the rim of the tub as if to break it, stood out blue. Unable to tell if the liquid soaking his face was water or tears, his head was shoved back down. He couldn’t even beg. He was too busy trying to push away the immovable tub and clutching at Seo Hae-young’s merciless hand.

“The shoes! Huh? Fuck, you should have hidden the shoes first. Hae-won!”

“Hmph…! Ack…!”

“This is why they say people with slow wits can’t even cheat…”

The shouts sounded like hallucinations, a knee pressed into his spine, and a grip that shackled his struggling head. And then, as the erupting bubbles cleared, the scissors glistened at the bottom of the tub. Soft hair swayed gently in the transparent water. A streak of blood dissolved into it without a trace. Hae-won, struggling to open his eyes as his eyelids began to swell, was dragged away, unable to take his eyes off the receding scissors.

Pulled out of the splashing water, Hae-won hacked and coughed, spitting out the water trapped in his throat. His trembling hands rubbed together instinctively.

“Hack, ugh…! Hae, cough, Hae-young… I’m, I’m sorry… cough…!”

“Who is it? Who did you hide? Is it Go Tae-gyeom again?”

“I’m, I’m sorry… I’m sorryyy…”

“Aren’t you going to tell me? You don’t want to?”

Water that had entered his ear blocked out the sound. Plunged into silence and panic, Hae-won only repeated that he was sorry, rubbing his palms together. He was in no state to provide an answer. Seo Hae-young flung his body, which felt like a water-soaked cotton ball, onto the splashing tiles. Stepping on the ankle of the curled-up, sobbing Hae-won with his dress shoe, he grabbed him by the hair and yanked him up.

“Ah… it hurts…! It hurts, Hae-young…!”

A neck bent to the limit, hair pulled as if it were about to be ripped out, and ankles gradually being crushed. Not even knowing what was happening, Hae-won gasped for air, shaking his head repeatedly. However, Seo Hae-young, who had waited for this day for a week, forced the corners of his mouth upward into a smile and shifted his weight onto his heel, crushing Hae-won’s particularly slender ankle. An unleashed impulse had crossed the line he had drawn.

“Let’s see who comes out for us.”

The sound of a crack was a hallucination, but the pain was not. His eyes widened in shock, and his mouth fell open.

Aaaagh!

The scream that escaped the wet bathroom echoed through the hallway and into the living room.

Thorns seemed to grow beneath his skin. The pain that started from the malleolus spread to his calf, his knee, and instantly throughout every corner of his body. Blood felt as if it were boiling in his throat. The ringing in his ears grew so loud it shook his head, drowning out the sound of his own screams. Even as his half-dragged upper body was tossed aside and his soaked pants were stripped away like a shed skin, Hae-won clawed at his throat to the limit, as if screaming was the only thing left for him to do.

“Heu-uk…! Heu-euk….”

“I guess the sound is too quiet. No one’s coming, Hae-won.”

Tear-filled eyes looked down. Between thighs covered in bruises, he saw his ankle, marked with a deep footprint. The inner malleolus, which should have been protruding, was mangled. A groan, beyond words, escaped him.

“Hae, Hae-young. Hae-young-ah, it hurts… it’s broken, it’s crushed….”

Just as the trembling reached the strands of hair clinging to the tiles, the hard toe of a dress shoe pushed his shoulder. As his body rolled over, his naked form, stained with countless bruises, was exposed starkly under the bright light. A harsh gaze traveled from his mottled thighs and knees up to Hae-won’s face. A man wailing with wet hair clinging to his skin was more than just ‘vulgar’; a short gasp of admiration escaped the other’s open mouth.

There was a foul smell. Water that had pooled and finally rotted swept away the last remnants of his patience. The panting sobs, the slapping sound of skin against tile, the bruises he hadn’t caused, and the numerous lies—these were the sources of the stench. The rotten water seemed to seep into his retinas, forming images. The sudden decrease in showers, the fawning attitude as if guilty of a crime, the bedding drenched in fabric softener—all supported the fiction. As flashes sparked in his mind, an uncontrollable laugh burst forth.

“Did you take it on our bed? On the bed where we sleep together?”

The bed where they sought sleep together. Images flickered: a face flushing red and moaning on that bed, legs spread wide, and the back of someone moving between them. The figure of the man was blurry. He had to find out if it was Go Tae-gyeom or Joo Hyun-woo.

“He came over, and I just… heu-uk, I just opened the door. I sent him away….”

“I’m asking what you did before you sent him away, you fucker.”

Seo Hae-young violently kicked Hae-won’s thin shoulder, which was deceptively pretending not to know, and stepped on the exposed back as he was flipped over, glancing around.

“I, I just thought he was a guest, a guest… keu-huk…!”

He stomped hard between Hae-won’s shoulder blades as he struggled to make excuses. With his chest compressed, Hae-won’s breath was cut off instantly; he writhed for a moment before going limp. He mumbled while gasping for shallow breaths, but it wasn’t worth listening to.

“Your habits… need to be properly… properly corrected. Right? Correct?”

In the empty bathroom, it was hard to find something suitable, but it wasn’t as if there was nothing. His eyes scanning the shelf landed on a glass vase with nothing in it. Snatching the long-necked vase, Seo Hae-young knelt on one knee, glaring at the hallway where no one seemed to be present. The black trousers covering the knee supporting his weight gradually became damp. Gripping the vase and lifting the wet top, he revealed a hollowed back and reddish buttocks. When he pulled the soft flesh apart with one hand, the hole—untouched for a week—fluttered faintly.

“Hae-young-ah….”

Seo Hae-young’s eyes chased the fiction. The name called habitually in a damp voice only served as a catalyst. It looked glistening, or perhaps wide open. He flopped Hae-won’s fading consciousness onto his thigh and readjusted his grip on the vase. Pressing the nape of the neck with one hand to fix him to the floor, Seo Hae-young aligned the long neck of the vase with the tight folds. A voice, sunken and gloomy, leaked through his teeth.

“If you tense up, it’ll break.”

Hae-won, whose forehead was pressed against the tile, shook his head frantically the moment he felt the cold surface rubbing against his hole. Unable to see anything, he couldn’t even guess what was being inserted.

“No… no, Hae-young-ah… I, I didn’t cheat… I’m sorry, I was wrong….”

“Then call him. I told you, let’s see his face. Since you’re using the same hole, you should at least say hello!”

As the shout, laced with pathological suspicion, pierced his blocked ears, the neck of the vase—which was by no means thin—pierced the dry hole without warning. Blue veins stood out in Hae-won’s neck, trapped between the hard thigh supporting his lower abdomen and the grip pressing his nape.

“Haa! Ah-euk…!”

The tight folds and inner walls were forced open. The long neck was shoved all the way in until it hit the thickening cylindrical part. Without giving him time to adjust, his buttocks were pulled along as the neck was withdrawn. The cold rod shoved into the sensitive hole felt as if it were about to expose his internal organs. His hands, moving between the tiles and Seo Hae-young’s legs, offered a futile resistance. It was cold, painful, and terrifying.

“H-help me…! Hae-young-ah…! Don’t, don’t do this! Aaaagh…!”

No sooner had he let out a sobbing plea than his body, draped over the thigh, was shaken violently. Seo Hae-young shoved the vase in and out, twisting it as it tried to slide out. The hollow glass bottle repeatedly plunged in and withdrew, carving numerous wounds into the tender inner walls.

“Call him quickly. Before this breaks.”

“Uu-uk…! It hurts, it hurts…! Heu-ak…!”

While the glass bottle, warmed by stealing his body heat, was relentlessly driven in, the fingernails scratching the tiles were slightly lifted. He couldn’t even tell if what was flowing down his thighs was semen, blood, or water. The sound of droplets falling from the closed faucet consumed his consciousness.

“Ah-heu, eup…! Heu-uk….”

The saliva leaking from his mouth mixed with the water pooled on the tiles, and the last remnants of his resistance and defiance scattered without a trace. Whenever he regained consciousness from the palm of a hand violently striking his buttocks, reprimands poured out as if they had been waiting. Not to act like a slut, and not to get an erection because this wasn’t being put in for pleasure. Every time pressure was applied as if to push the thicker part even deeper, his intact toes trembled violently. He covered his ears, hating the sound of his own moans more than the thorny words coming from Seo Hae-young’s mouth.

This is pain, not pleasure. I’m not a slut. He repeated this countless times, though he wasn’t sure if he had screamed it or not. As always, the bathroom toyed with and ransacked his mind. When his broken fingernails left deep scratches on his earlobe, his forehead, scarred from countless collisions and rubbing, slid across the floor.

And there, in front of the bathroom, he locked eyes with Lee Hee-sung, who stood frozen and breathless. With guttural moans leaking from his lips and a glass bottle plugged into his lifted buttocks, Hae-won blinked his tear-blurred eyes. The moment the lie was discovered was calmer than expected, and more stinging than expected.

“What the hell is that….”

The face flushed with anger showed a strangely disappointed expression upon finally discovering the owner of the shoes. It wasn’t the person he had waited for, nor the one he had expected. Seo Hae-young frowned, pushing the neck of the glass bottle in to the very end.

“Heu-euk…!”

“Wow… I guess I phrased it a bit strangely.”

After giving the bottle one large twist, Seo Hae-young pulled it out of the hole in one go without giving him a moment’s rest. The sound of the glass neck popping out echoed hollowly in the bathroom, making Hee-sung’s shoulders flinch. Pushing away the body that leaped up like a fluttering bird, Seo Hae-young stood up, shaking out his wet sleeves. Hae-won, thrown onto the tiles, curled his convulsing body into a ball and covered his ears again.

The sound of trickling and dripping water, and even the smallest noise, thundered in this place, filling him with terror. Combined with the shouts of the stranger, his limbs trembled violently. Not just the glass bottle, but everything in this place stole his body heat. The shivering chill was similar to what he had experienced in the villa where not a single drop of hot water came out, and he couldn’t move an inch until someone approached.

That was why he looked up at Seo Hae-young, who had stepped onto the bathroom threshold, and called his name. He was the one who had just shoved a glass bottle into his hole, yet he was the only person he could seek help from. After calling out countless times in a worn-out voice, Seo Hae-young, who was blocking Hee-sung from entering, glanced back.

I’m cold. Help me. Don’t leave me. As soon as their eyes met, his lips, stained with a nosebleed, trembled incessantly. Even so, seeing that Seo Hae-young did not smile back, he lowered the hands covering his ears and pressed his palms together in a plea. However, Seo Hae-young’s gaze was coldly withdrawn. Every time he shook his head, telling him not to do that, his head was rubbed messily against the cold tiles. The sounds he had been blocking rushed in like a tide.

“Is… is this normal right now? What do you mean you’re dating! This is dating? That?”

Hee-sung’s aghast face was glimpsed over the broad shoulders. He caught the sound of a voice venting something, but all he felt within the words defending him was sorrow. Hae-won, who had begged and begged Seo Hae-young, who wouldn’t even look back once, laughed hollowly while staring at his own neatly laid-out white hands.

I guess he can’t hit Lee Hee-sung. He said they weren’t that close; he didn’t know who was lying. Without even hearing the sound of shoe soles stepping on the tiles and approaching, he laughed while tears streamed down his face, until his shoulder was pushed. Stepping on the turned shoulder with his shoe, Seo Hae-young frowned as if it were all quite amusing, stealing his dry laugh. The smile that transferred from the bloodied lips to the beautiful lips was the same smile that came to mind when his head was shoved into the bathtub or when the glass bottle was pushed into his hole.

“Hey, Hae-won. Hee-sung doesn’t believe you.”

“Hae-won, come with me. Get up.”

“Come where….”

Seo Hae-young grabbed the hand of the stranger reaching for the sprawled forearm and shoved Hee-sung, who was resisting, against the wall. With a groan, Hee-sung hit his back; Seo Hae-young gripped his shoulder and forced him to sit on a stool, then flicked the vase rolling on the floor. The long vase rolled and touched the bruise-stained thigh. Hae-won looked down with swelling eyes, blankly staring at the bottle stained with faint blood.

“We have to make him believe. Try it yourself.”

“Hae-won, don’t. Let go of me, hey!”

“No. Yoon Hae-won fucking loves this. Being watched.”

Gripping the struggling Hee-sung’s shoulders tightly with both hands, Seo Hae-young looked just like he did in the past when he used to pin Joo Hyun-woo’s shoulders down. However, unlike Hyun-woo, who had watched the tangled scene with a strange light in his eyes, Hee-sung’s face was pale.

“Hey… are you in your right mind? Have you gone crazy?”

Seo Hae-young, pinning down the attempting-to-escape Hee-sung, fixed his gaze on Hae-won, who was staggeringly pushing himself up. Eyes with a lingering, glistening glint slowly scanned between the bottle and the legs.

“You’ve done it before. Do you prefer the trophy?”

“I, I really like this. I told you. Before….”

Opening his chapped lips, Hae-won hurriedly defended the situation. To be precise, these were words spat out as an excuse to Seo Hae-young standing behind him, not to Hee-sung. By doing this, he hoped it would be known that he had told Hee-sung in advance, the situation would be wrapped up, and he wouldn’t have to put the bottle in himself in front of the two of them. However, Seo Hae-young only stared blankly, as if wondering what he was talking about.

“It’s true… I kept, kept telling you not to come. Right…?”

Tears fell uncontrollably from his distorted eyes. Rather than Hee-sung’s consideration, answering that it was okay and that he had just come, he waited for a single word from Seo Hae-young saying it was enough. But the firmly closed lips never opened. Closing and then opening his eyes, Hae-won forced a grotesque smile. Red blood beaded on his torn lips. No matter how hard he tried, the tears and trembling would not stop.

Seo Hae-young was always cruel only to him. Despite his keen intuition, knowing full well that he disliked Lee Hee-sung, knowing full well that he didn’t enjoy this situation at all, always.

Letting out a breath that was neither a laugh nor a sob, Hae-won turned his face away from the horrified Hee-sung and picked up the bottle. He braced himself with his intact knee, but his crushed ankle had no strength, so he let it hang limp. The hand bringing the bottle between his spread legs trembled violently. There was only one consolation. That he wouldn’t tell Lee Hee-sung to put his cock in too—just that one thing. Taking a deep breath of the humid air, Hae-won glared at Hee-sung, who had come and seen his miserable state in full detail, and spat out words he didn’t mean.

“I, heu-uk, I really… like this….”

Aligning the neck of the bottle with the hole was as clumsy as when the trophy was inserted. Not knowing which direction to put it in, he twisted it this way and that. He just wanted to finish quickly, be beaten less, and go back to normal. That was his only thought.

“Ah-euk…. Uu….”

Biting his lip, Hae-won sat leaning against the wall and forced the neck, which wouldn’t easily enter, inside. The glass vase, about the size of a beer bottle he used to carry at Hyun-jeong’s shop, pushed into the reddened hole. His shame was hidden by the hem of his wet top, but the sound that let everyone know it had been inserted echoed in the bathroom. The inner walls clinging to the glass surface contracted and relaxed repeatedly with a squelching sound.

Hunching his shoulders, Hae-won sobbed silently while shoving the glass bottle in and out between his legs. Seo Hae-young, watching Hae-won let out choked moans as if proud, tapped his stiff shoulder.

“See? He likes it.”

Hee-sung couldn’t answer. The best he could do was cover his mouth and swallow the rising nausea. He was confused, as if he had fallen into another world. If he believed Seo Hae-young’s words, Hae-won’s mental state didn’t seem normal; if he just reported it, the nonchalant attitude of the two of them bothered him. He began to lose track of what was normal and what was abnormal.

What if Go Tae-gyeom’s story isn’t true? Then what? What if Yoon Hae-won is originally… that deficient in personality, and Seo Hae-young is literally just humoring him? If not, there was no way Seo Hae-young could be this composed. Conflicting thoughts boiled in his head. Swallowing the sticky saliva pooling in his mouth, Hee-sung violently shook off the hand gripping his shoulder and stood up.

“…Hey, you guys are fucking weird. This doesn’t make… are you crazy, seriously? I just… I just don’t understand.”

Everything was disgusting. After only speculating, witnessing the situation unfold before his eyes made every single bit of it disgusting. However, his intention to take Hae-won away remained unchanged. It was a matter that needed to be asked slowly after separating the two. The moment he took a single determined step, a hard notebook fell from his disarrayed coat.

The palm-sized green notebook, falling conspicuously onto the wet tiles, drew everyone’s attention. Within a few seconds, the owner’s complexion changed completely. The strength left his hand. The bottle, unable to withstand the tight folds, slid out and rolled across the hard tiles.

Before he could properly examine what it was, Hee-sung, who had put it in his coat, frowned in curiosity upon realizing it was a passport, and Seo Hae-young let out a hollow laugh while staring at the cover that read ‘Passport’. The first person to react was Hae-won.

“Heu-uk…!”

Ignoring the pain in his crushed ankle, Hae-won crawled across the tiles, snatched the passport, and dragged his buttocks backward.

“I, I made it a long time ago. Joo Hyun-woo did it, on his own. I, I didn’t intend to. Really. It’s not a lie.”

Shaking his head violently, he shoved the passport into the bathtub. The water filling the tub overflowed, re-wetting the drying tiles. Hae-won scrambled through the soaking paper with both hands, crumpling the note Go Tae-gyeom had left him and sinking it to the bottom of the tub. Frantically checking Seo Hae-young’s reaction, he tore and crumpled the paper like mad.

“I don’t need it. Really, I really don’t need it. That’s why I, I gave it to him to throw away.”

Hae-won, continuing to talk to himself with both arms plunged deep into the bathtub, was pale and blue up to his neckline. Hee-sung, who had remained frozen until a hand reached out from behind and slapped his shoulder, frowned at the sudden, random question.

“Do you like Bali?”

“……What?”

“If not, forget it.”

Passing by him as if in a blur, Seo Hae-young grabbed the nape of the kneeling Hae-won’s neck and yanked him out of the tub. Dragged backward and thrown aside, Hae-won trembled visibly, staring at Seo Hae-young as he reached into the bathtub. A passport, dripping water, was pulled out by the white hand stirring the tub. While Seo Hae-young lightly opened the crumpled cover of the passport, Hee-sung approached and grabbed his forearm, saying something, but Hae-won couldn’t hear a word; all his attention was focused on the fingers flipping through the wet, torn pages.

After finishing his confirmation, Seo Hae-young turned around and strolled over. Without realizing it, Hae-won recoiled, pushing away Hee-sung’s hand.

“Th-that’s not mine……! No, mmpf……!”

He couldn’t finish his sentence. The crumpled passport scraped against his wounded membranes and filled his mouth. Seo Hae-young covered his mouth to prevent him from spitting it out and applied pressure to his arms; each time he did, the back of Hae-won’s head slammed against the tiled wall.

“Bali! Who is it, Hae-won! Not this bastard, right? Who else is there?”

“Hey, Seo Hae-young! Are you crazy?”

Eyelids stained with a bluish tint trembled as if they were about to close at any moment, and his limp legs twitched sporadically. Hee-sung, who had been trying to stop Seo Hae-young without knowing what was happening, could no longer endure it and threw a punch. He hit him so hard that his knuckles stung from the impact on the cheek.

Caught off guard by the blow to the face, Seo Hae-young staggered, and Hae-won, who had been held, slid down. Hee-sung immediately collapsed beside Hae-won and shook the body that lay prone like a dead person. He felt they needed to go to a hospital first.

He urgently tried to lift the limp arm over his shoulder to raise him, but before he could even set his knees, he was grabbed by the collar and dragged away. Collapsing like a stringless doll, Hae-won twitched his fingers and lifted his glazed eyes.

“Ah, just go already. Why do you always…….”

Spitting out blood-tinged saliva, Seo Hae-young kicked Hee-sung’s shin with his dress shoe, throwing him off balance. In an instant, Seo Hae-young pulled Hee-sung down and mounted his back, brutally pinning the struggling shoulder down with one hand.

“I didn’t intend for it to be like this……. But that one is a bit of a flirt…… no, he’s fucking terrible. You know too, right? Looking at how Hae-won behaves?”

“Let go of me, you piece of shit!”

Binding the struggling body, Seo Hae-young grabbed Hee-sung’s right wrist and yanked it sharply backward. Separated from Hae-won, Hee-sung spat curses and twisted his entire body, but regardless of the difference in physique, he couldn’t budge. The shoulder, twisted as if it might snap in the wrong direction at any moment, contributed to the situation where he couldn’t easily break free.

“Still, I lived while accepting everything. We were really on good terms. But you ruined everything. So your life should be ruined too. Right? Isn’t that right?”

“What the hell are you talking about! Get off me!”

“Hey, Yoon Hae-won!”

Startled by the shout that struck like thunder, Hae-won struggled to lift his falling eyelids. As soon as their eyes met, Seo Hae-young gestured toward Hee-sung.

“You’re the one who ruined Lee Hee-sung’s life, and Hee-sung is the one who fucked you over. Got it?”

“Crazy, you crazy bastard……. Are you in your right mind? Have you lost it?”

Hae-won’s face, unable to spit out the ruined passport, distorted unsightly. Holding Hee-sung’s violently thrashing shoulder firmly and gripping his right wrist, Seo Hae-young stared quietly into the brown eyes stained with tears before suddenly applying force. As always, he didn’t think about the aftermath.

“What’s so special about him that it would ruin a life, Hee-sung?”

The gruesome sound of a shoulder joint popping, a short scream, the grinding of teeth, curses and sneers, dripping water droplets, and the encroaching darkness pressed down on the mind. With fingers that wouldn’t even budge, he couldn’t cover his ears, so the unwanted noise forced its way through his eardrums and embedded itself in his brain.

“They say once you fall for it, you keep falling. Almost like…… how Yoon Hae-won keeps glancing elsewhere.”

“Interfering in someone else’s love life is a bit much. When did I ever mention Kim Seo-hyun?”

“Feels like shit, doesn’t it? Me too.”

Seo Hae-young shouted repeatedly for him to look, but everything was blurry. An irresistible drowsiness swept through the worn-out body. It wasn’t a drowsiness that guided one in a fluid flow, but one that ripped the spirit out entirely and slammed it into the bottom. The bathroom, Seo Hae-young, and Lee Hee-sung were sucked into a spinning vortex.

* * *

When he closed and opened his heavy eyelids, the wrecked bathroom appeared; when he closed and opened them again, he was alone; and when he closed and opened them once more, that summer unfolded. The cool, damp energy seeped deep into every part of his skin, as if celebrating the completion of a full cycle. Time in the bathroom flowed tediously and slowly, like unraveling tangled thread, and he could find no connection between this moment and the one just before.

Faint light leaking through the blinds of the front window reflected off the surface of the water in the bathtub, creating shimmering glints. His empty eyes gazed at the still pool, yet they saw nothing.

A bitter taste lingered on his tongue, where damp, melted pieces of paper clung. His hands, stained with messy wounds from pounding on the locked door dozens, hundreds of times, were twisted behind his back and tied tightly with his wet top. Having been tied for a long time, his arms, now devoid of tingling sensation, swayed helplessly. Every time his upper body, draped over the high marble ledge connected to the tub, shook, his bruised cheek was rubbed mercilessly, and his slightly lifted knees repeatedly hit the hard surface. The same went for his genitals, which were leaking thin semen, as they hit the smooth marble. Whenever the glans rubbed against or hit the cold surface at an angle, his waist jerked.

“Nng, ah……. Huuk…….”

“Hae-won, this is such a waste…….”

Every time a vein-bulged cock slammed into the hole that had opened as if it were a void, the semen filled inside surged out in gulps. The hand that had been pressing his nape to keep him immobile slid down his cheek and entered his mouth. It scraped out the ruined passport, now unrecognizable, and roughly rubbed the wounded membranes of his inner cheeks. Seo Hae-young, lying prone and crushing the tied arms, thrust his hips upward while regularly pushing fingers into the mouth. Three cold fingers pressed down the tongue and jammed into the throat, as if performing oral.

“Hmm? I regret it. I don’t really know why I did that…….”

“Kkeuk, huuk……! Mmpf…….”

He struggled to take the fingers that induced gagging, but he couldn’t swallow the dripping saliva. As he dry-heaved, his back heaving, the fingers slid out like snakes and toyed with his lips.

“Do you remember the music room? Instead of beating you there…… I should have just fucked you.”

Seo Hae-young defiled the past in a low voice, his anger not yet subsided.

“Pinned down like this, until school ended.”

“Uhuuk, ah!”

Pressing down on Hae-won as if a beast were mating, Seo Hae-young bit again into the shoulder that was already spitting blood from numerous bite marks. The back, full of blood bruises and bite scars, shuddered violently. After sucking on the wound to make the scar even deeper, he raised his upper body. He gripped the waist, where handprints remained as bruises, and drove himself in fiercely enough to crush the flesh of the buttocks.

“Ack! St-stop it……. Ah-euk! Huk, huuk……!”

“Haa……. Even if I did it there until everything tore, no one would have known. Right?”

Every time he was slammed, a stinging pleasure rose from the nipples rubbing against the marble. Trapped between a pleasure and pain so intense he wished he would simply faint, Hae-won let out moans that were nearly screams. The inside of his stomach, where the tip of the member pierced and rubbed heavily, twisted. Even his intact ankles twisted in strange directions, scratching against the tiles.

“Ah! Ah, n-no! Huuk, uk……!”

He felt like he was going crazy. In fact, he might have already gone mad. With a body bound so he couldn’t offer a shred of resistance, he kicked the tiles in an attempt to escape, but before he could even pull his legs over the high ledge, his tied forearms were grabbed. At the same time he slid down, the member slammed in with a loud thwack!, as if piercing a place it should never enter.

“Hwaak……! Ah, uuuuk……!”

Hae-won’s eyes widened, and he trembled, twisting his shoulders. Warm liquid trickled out from the turgidly erect member. The flowing liquid drenched his thighs and the marble. Hae-won’s entire rigid body convulsed in spasms as he opened his torn mouth wide.

As if to show that the sex of the past few months, which had been barely tolerable, was actually a form of consideration, Seo Hae-young did not let go for a moment, as if he intended to kill him. Even when he reached a grueling ejaculation, even when he experienced climaxes that turned his vision black several times, leaving his limbs shaking uncontrollably.

As Hae-won rubbed his face against the marble, choking, Seo Hae-young gripped his thighs, turned them back, and pulled out the member that had not yet ejaculated. Hae-won, lying pinned under his own twisted arms, twisted his waist without even feeling the discomfort. The sensation of the sensitive inner walls being pulled out in an instant made his toes curl and drew out endless tears. His waist continued to jerk as the afterglow lingered. He tossed his hair, wet with cold sweat, and rubbed his gathered knees together, letting out a desperate plea.

“Huuk, uuu……! N-no. Hae-young, not yet! D-don’t do it…… now……!”

Placing the trembling calf on his shoulder, Seo Hae-young pressed his cheek against the inner thigh, which was covered in purple marks, and stuck out his tongue. He lightly licked Hae-won’s genitals, which were soaked in all sorts of fluids, and slid his hand down. He jammed four fingers simultaneously into the hole that was agape and vomiting semen, then sat up on the high ledge.

“What ‘don’t do it’……. Then don’t get a hard-on, huh?”

With his legs spread wide, Hae-won clenched his teeth, exposing his chest bruised deep blue. He put so much force into it that his jaw made a grinding sound as if it would dislocate, but he couldn’t stop the crying. Eventually, he screamed “Aaaagh!” and trembled violently. Semen, fingers, and the arbitrarily contracting inner walls mixed together with a squelching sound. The hand thrusting in took the place of the member, opening the tightening path and pulling up a pleasure that was beyond overwhelming, almost mind-numbing. His boiling brain burned through every nerve. Even when he opened his eyes to face the faint light, he saw nothing.

Seo Hae-young hugged the thighs that were tense with strength and stirred Hae-won’s insides. The face, smeared not only with tears but also with snot and saliva, was so lovably killable that he shook his arms as if he wanted to kill him.

Watching Hae-won cry and pant as if squeezing out the last of his strength, he felt he could understand why his eldest sister used to throw things like that. She must have been so annoyed and angry she couldn’t stand it. Thinking of the days he had let slip by so carelessly, he felt that even breaking and destroying everything wouldn’t satisfy him. A hollow laugh escaped him as he imagined a Hae-won who had never been touched by anyone. He felt a poignant regret for the days that could not be undone, and he figured he might as well imagine it. With a trace of a smile in his voice, he pushed his sticky, wet hand even deeper.

“We probably would’ve lived like this every single day. When your dad was passed out drunk, you would’ve spread your legs for me right next to him.”

“Kkeuk……! St-stop, stop it……. Please, please……!”

“I’ll do it at your dad’s funeral too. There’s a room, right? I’ll do it there, then you’ll go greet the guests, and when you come back, you’ll fuck with me again.”

“I-I feel like I’m going to die. Huuk, Hae-young, Young-ah……. I, I can’t do this……! I’m sorrryyy…… I can’t, I can’t do it…….”

Looking down at Hae-won, who was shaking his head with a vacant expression, Seo Hae-young poured out impossible fantasies. With one hand, he thrust violently into the loose hole, and with the other, he stroked his own throbbing member. He gripped it tightly, stroking it harshly while letting out heated breaths.

The squelching sensation and the pleasure were all derived from Hae-won. Therefore, Yoon Hae-won had to take full responsibility. He pulled out the hand that had semen dripping down to the elbow, pressed firmly on Hae-won’s heaving lower abdomen, and continued masturbating. However, no matter how much force he used or how he shook it, it couldn’t compare to Hae-won’s mouth or hole.

“I’ll do it until you drop dead, and even if you’re completely ruined here, I’ll still fuck you, Hae-won……. I’ll put it in your mouth, in your thighs, and make you swallow all the semen. Sounds good, right?”

“Yes, yes. I-I like it……. So, ah, no. Let’s stop…….”

When he pushed his hand against Hae-won’s back, Hae-won cried out in horror, and Seo Hae-young laid him on the floor and untied his arms.

“I-I want to stop……. I was wrong, I did everything wrong!”

Perhaps the fingertips, finally receiving blood flow, were too numb to touch, as Seo Hae-young firmly massaged the uncontrollably trembling arms before moving between the spread thighs. He had roughly cleaned up and made him ejaculate a few times using the mouth of a vase, but that didn’t mean he should be whining already. With a smile that tore his lips, Seo Hae-young grabbed the pushing hand and aligned his slippery glans with the hole.

“It’d be a bit weird if you were too young, so we missed about five years. We have to make up for all of that, don’t we?”

“No, no……. No, Hae-young. Th-this isn’t right……. No…….”

Hae-won writhed like a worm beneath Seo Hae-young, who inserted himself again, covering his entire body with no way to escape. Sensation vanished from his crumpled and twisted waist.

“Hae, Hae-young……ah, uugh……!”

“What is it, Hae-won. Why do you keep calling me…….”

Smiling playfully, Seo Hae-young intentionally delayed his ejaculation. He pushed his waist in slowly, then abruptly pulled out, instead shaking the hand he had inserted so that the sound of skin slapping was loud. There was no rest. He came, then got hard again; if he didn’t get hard, he forced it by having Hae-won suck it or by shaking it by hand. It didn’t matter if he cried, begged, cursed, or pushed him away.

Eventually, the endless pleasure devolved into endless agony. A squeezing pain began from the perineum to the lower abdomen. Not a single drop of semen came from the stubbornly erect member, yet he felt pleasure, his body trembling violently despite having nothing to release.

That classroom, when we had tutoring, the piano, the gym, that swimming pool, the trip, the billiard hall, the arcade, ah, back then too…….

Within Seo Hae-young’s stories, which dragged out every past moment one by one, Hae-won was defiled again and again. As many spaces as the long time the two had spent together were defiled with semen. The memories Hae-won had cherished and held dear alone were all trampled, all covered in semen. Even as he tore at his hair, saying it wasn’t true, telling him not to do it, he couldn’t stop it. Seo Hae-young’s stories were more painful than the friction caused by the palms slapping against the swollen hole and the groin. The times that were only about laughing, talking, and being happy were torn apart and crumpled.

As Seo Hae-young pulled his hand out and mounted him again, he didn’t look like the Seo Hae-young of old. Just as he had changed little by little as he grew a year or two older, Seo Hae-young had changed too. He had become firmer, more selfish, more overbearing, and more cruel. The image of the person he had loved was so faint, barely visible, that he carefully traced only the face he could still recognize. The fine skin, the corners of the eyes, the straight bridge of the nose, and the lips were exactly as he remembered, which only deepened the sense of dissonance.

In his flickering vision, Hae-won saw his home. He recalled the small, shabby house he had left of his own accord. Like the dream in the villa where it felt as if everything wrong would be corrected upon returning home, he had the same dream amidst the wretched dissonance. His wide-open eyes looked past Seo Hae-young, who was fucking him like a beast, and chased after the image of a home drawn in a cozy and simple manner.

Though he didn’t know why it suddenly came to mind, there must have been a reason. Perhaps. Maybe it would be okay if he went back. Maybe if he locked the door and hid, no one would find him; maybe if he wrapped himself in an old blanket and smelled the scent of the fabric softener he used to save, he could return. Maybe he could forget the short trip where he felt nothing for Seo Hae-young and the days he had been foolishly deceived; because he might, he had to go.

Shaking and letting out a frail moan, Hae-won fumbled for the wrist of the hand Seo Hae-young had used to grip his neck. His eyes, unable to distinguish objects in front of him, gazed into the distance. His panting breath broke his hoarse voice.

“I…… I want to go home……. Hae-young, huuh……. I want to go home…….”

“Where the hell is your home…….”

“Home…… I have a home. G-go, ah……. I have to go. I’m there, first floor.”

From his torn and chapped lips, the address he had memorized by heart flowed out. Which neighborhood, which house number, which villa, which floor, which unit. Which neighborhood, which house number, which villa, which floor, which unit. Which neighborhood, which house number, which villa, which floor, which unit. He must have muttered it three, no, four times. At some point, Seo Hae-young stopped his harsh movements and whispered, lightly tapping his cold cheek.

“That’s not your home anymore.”

Hae-won, gripping Seo Hae-young’s wrists with both hands, rubbed his face against the palms. He sucked on the fingers that had pulled his hair painfully, slapped his cheeks, and wrecked his insides, then interlaced their fingers. He shook them so gently it was unclear if he was moving at all, frantically kissing the backs of the hands and chuckling.

“Ah, it’ll still be okay… Please… I’m begging you like this…”

Seo Hae-young stared blankly at this pathetic display that didn’t even pass for aegyo, and a faint smile flickered on his lips.

“Do you want to go that badly?”

“Yes, yes… I have to go. I really, really have to—ugh!”

Before he could finish his sentence, a thick palm clamped over his mouth and his head was jerked back. His legs, draped over the other’s shoulders, rattled violently following the force of the thrusts, so intense that the back of his head felt as if it were being ground into the tiles.

“Hng…! Ugh, hng…!”

Tears of stinging pain streamed down Hae-won’s eyes as he stared at the upside-down bathroom door. Hours of continuous sobbing had triggered a headache. It felt as if his insides were being poked with a thick skewer. He lowered his trembling hands to grope at the skin that kept bulging upward. Stroking the abdominal skin, where the outline was barely discernable, he seemed to think that it shouldn’t have gone in this far. What if it tore through the skin and popped out? What if his insides were completely ruined? There was no way he could be intact after being poked like this. His worries snowballed, and he burst into cries like a frightened child.

“Ugh…! Mmph, ng! Hng…!”

After watching Hae-won grope his own stomach for a long while, Seo Hae-young burst into laughter, taking in the sight of Hae-won wrapping both arms around his belly.

“Why are you acting so erotic, Hae-won?”

Hae-won seemed unaware of who benefited more from hugging his stomach while putting up a struggle that wasn’t even worth suppressing. Grabbing the forearm of the man who was pressing down on his lower abdomen to settle what was inside, Seo Hae-young pushed his hips forward. The inner walls, tightening frantically, slowly stripped away his reason.

When the palm covering the mouth was removed, Hae-won screamed that he couldn’t take it and to stop, yet ironically, his member was standing stiff. Hae-won, who had been exaggerating about being broken or dying without even knowing what he was saying, convulsed, unable to even close his glazed eyes the moment the pounding member hit a deep spot.

“Ah, ah…! Hng-ugh!”

Long ago, when he was very young, there was a scene Seo Hae-young had briefly imagined while watching Hae-won pick and eat chocolate placed on his palm. Because he had been so young then, it was a thought born of a prank, but he hadn’t realized that fragment would still be alive. The sight of Hae-won barely clinging to his breath brought that distant fragment back into a vivid form.

Seo Hae-young materialized that clumsy imagination, spilling thick semen several times into Hae-won’s interior, which was contracting as if to snap the member in two. Soon, the stiff limbs went limp.

Tapping the pale, bloodless cheeks, Seo Hae-young clicked his tongue and withdrew his member from the torn hole. He gathered the leaking semen with his fingers, pushed it back into the open folds, and blocked it with his palm. While waiting for it to soak in, he tidied the strands of hair clinging to the skin, wet with sweat and water, and kissed the straight forehead.

As the days passed, Hae-won became more lovely and, by extension, more vulgar; Seo Hae-young had no intention of boasting about him or leaving him be. If he looked pretty in his own eyes, it was obvious how he would look to others without even having to imagine it.

He kissed the eyelids—which felt stinging just to look at—once more and smiled slightly.

“Right. Let’s do that. Let’s go home, Hae-won.”

The single phrase engraved in a mind where clear standards and measures were ambiguous was still valid. Yoon Hae-won was now beyond being treated as a human being.

* * *

The damp air brought in by the people crossing the main gate for several days pooled here and there. Returning from a short outing, Seo Hae-young walked through the lush green garden, a step away from the house. Whether summer had truly arrived or not, the muggy heat was unavoidable everywhere.

Shading his eyes with his hand, he looked up at the second floor, and a pale face peeked through the drawn curtains. The moment he narrowed his eyes to see better, the startled figure vanished beneath the curtains.

He stared without moving, wondering if the figure would appear again, when people carrying remaining materials under their arms began descending into the garden one by one. When he nodded in greeting, an elderly man frowned and sighed.

“Your face is…”

Rubbing his stiff neck, Seo Hae-young shook his head with a smile, as if it were nothing. The man, glancing at his face, took a notebook from his pocket, checked a few things, and adjusted his hat after saying he would be in touch.

“Everything is done, so we’ll be heading out.”

It was welcome news. Seo Hae-young looked up at the room where one couldn’t feel a presence without careful observation, finished seeing them off, and moved with a lighter step.

Entering the room where the air was cooler than outside, Seo Hae-young slipped into a comfortable t-shirt and kicked a rolling liquor bottle. As the empty bottle rolled and hit the wall, Hae-won, who had been hiding between the bookshelves, poked his head out. It was a gesture that seemed welcoming, but as soon as Seo Hae-young approached slowly, Hae-won curled up, trembling and wrapping both arms around his head. Even so, he did not avoid his gaze.

His wary eyes were cloudy, and his movements as he retreated were sluggish. As the distance closed, Hae-won, pressed tight against the wall with nowhere left to retreat, widened his eyes the moment he discovered the injuries on the other’s face. Suppressing a laugh, Seo Hae-young pushed aside the ankle wrapped in white bandages and sat between them. When he pried open the knees that were clamped tight to hide his shame, Hae-won, wearing only a large t-shirt, hurriedly pulled the hem of the garment down.

“Have you been good?”

At a distance close enough to feel body heat, Seo Hae-young tapped the hard cast with his knuckles. Hae-won, twisting his upper body unnaturally, stealthily gauged his reaction. “Yes, Hae-won?” When asked once more, the hesitating Hae-won slowly reached out with a hand that had no uninjured part.

The hand, carefully stroking the large gauze covering one side of the forehead, brushed the brow bone and moved down to the chin. The fingers carefully feeling the face and the warm body heat were a momentary respite brought by the alcohol, and the touch that stiffened and paused as if breaking was due to the less-diluted fear. The time he could enjoy was very short.

Smiling in an embarrassed manner while receiving the ticklish touch, Seo Hae-young rested his face in the palm of the hand that smelled of sharp alcohol. Discovering the faint bloodstains seeping through the white gauze, Hae-won gasped.

“Who… who did this? Did they hit you? You… you just… you just took it?”

Seo Hae-young stared at Hae-won, who asked while forcing his half-closed eyes open, and let the corners of his mouth droop. Whether the furrowed brow, looking as if he were dying of distress, was sincere or a delusion was unknown, but Seo Hae-young easily produced a sorrowful expression and a weak voice he had never used before.

“Yeah… I got hit a lot. I think it wouldn’t hurt if you kissed me.”

The drunkard blinked his eyes very slowly, chewing over every word and reacting sluggishly. After a suitable amount of time passed, Hae-won leaned his upper body forward and slowly kissed the rough gauze, the bruised cheek, and the corner of the split lip.

Having received a kiss as fragile as the touch, Seo Hae-young grabbed the limp hands and moved them behind the shoulders. Pressing close enough to rub the tips of their noses, he pushed his tongue through the lips that tasted bitter. Pressing down the plump, clinging tongue and licking the healed mucous membrane, he lowered his hand. As he pulled the hips and sat him completely on his lap, Hae-won’s chin tilted back.

Without breaking the seal of their lips, they exchanged tongues for a long time in a position where Seo Hae-young looked up at Hae-won. Every time the slippery pieces of flesh, tasting and combining language, tangled and rubbed, the trivial things he had picked up from the outside were washed away.

“Haa…”

Detaching the lips he wanted to stay pressed against forever, Seo Hae-young rested his cheek on the collarbone where he could feel the thumping heart. As he hugged the waist and applied strength as if to crush it, a labored gasp broke out. As he hugged the body that heaved as if wanting to escape even tighter, unhardened semen dripped from the parted crack of the buttocks, dirtying the floor. Startled, Hae-won writhed and let out a low moan.

“It’s all leaking out.”

Blocking the gaping hole with his palm, Seo Hae-young lifted the trembling body. Hae-won rubbed his forehead against the shoulder that smelled of hot sunlight and strained, but the hole that had relentlessly accepted members and fingers for days would no longer close tight. It felt completely broken. The semen that had soaked in densely filled the lower abdomen and drenched every single organ. That was why he felt bloated even without eating. Sniffling and wiping away tears that fell meaninglessly, Hae-won leaned his dizzy head and hugged the broad back.

“Are you… are you really being taken away?”

The semen, which kept flowing out no matter how much it was blocked, pooled in the palm of the hand. Reaching out to pull a few tissues to wipe the sticky liquid, Seo Hae-young asked, “Hmm?” It was because the tongue, soaked in alcohol, couldn’t produce proper pronunciation. Glancing at the closed door, Hae-won cupped Seo Hae-young’s cheeks with both hands and whispered repeatedly in a voice so small no one else could hear.

“The police… they said those were police. Then, then what do we do now?”

“If I’m taken… I’ll go to prison, work there, and probably die there, right? Then what are you going to do?”

Seo Hae-young tossed the question back in a nonchalant tone and cleaned the bright red hole. Hae-won, who flinched and rolled his eyes every time the soft tissue brushed the swollen folds, clung to the arm pushing him away once the cleanup was finished.

“Don’t… don’t lie… I know you’re not going… I know it all, so why are you doing this…”

“That’s why…”

As if he hadn’t just been kissing him tenderly, Seo Hae-young heartlessly twisted his arm free and stood up. Hae-won, collapsed as if abandoned, looked up without even thinking to close his legs. After crumpling the wet tissue and throwing it in the trash, Seo Hae-young crossed the room without even a glancing look and picked up an empty liquor bottle.

“I’ll take you home. Get dressed and pack your things.”

Sitting blankly, Hae-won rubbed his perfectly fine ears, wondering if he had heard wrong, and pinched a handful of thigh flesh, wondering if it was a dream. But nothing changed.

Dressed in comfortable clothes, Seo Hae-young paced the room constantly, tidying the cluttered belongings. He pushed the chair and beanbag to one side of the wall and rolled up the wide rug to lean it against the chair. That wasn’t all. He picked up the books and game consoles scattered everywhere, and while it seemed he was organizing them, he shoved them all into the trash can.

Frozen by the sudden commotion, Hae-won hurriedly crawled across the floor, dragging his ankle wrapped in a heavy cast. As he swept the board game, which had been left open without a single touch, into its box and grabbed the hem of Seo Hae-young’s pants as he stood up, a numb gaze fell upon him.

“Am I… am I really going? Going home?”

Looking down at Hae-won, who asked with a crudely trembling voice and eyes brimming with tears, Seo Hae-young pushed his head away without a word. As his head was pushed away helplessly, he became dazed. As the teardrops barely clinging to the sharp jawline fell in droplets, his bloodshot eyes began to ache as if they were about to pop out. Without realizing it, Hae-won grabbed Seo Hae-young’s leg and hurriedly pulled the board game box thrown near the trash can to hide it behind his back.

“Why… why? Why are you throwing this away? Why are you suddenly like this…”

“Because this isn’t your room anymore. Get dressed, quickly.”

The voice, sounding as if it had caught the last remaining ear, was cold. Gasping, Hae-won hugged his long legs tightly with both arms and shook his head so violently that the sound of wind could be heard.

Nothing had been sorted yet. Nothing had been resolved. The tinnitus was still severe, he had grotesque nightmares, it was hard to walk without someone holding him, and he would jump in surprise even while staying still. If he didn’t drink, he hit and scratched his entire body and lived amidst boisterous hallucinations. He didn’t want to be alone. He was deathly afraid of Seo Hae-young, but he felt like he would truly die without him. He felt as if someone would kill him. However, the gaze of Seo Hae-young, who had personally brought him to this state, was merely chilly.

“You said with your own mouth that you wanted to go home. Why the hell are you acting up now that I’m letting you go?”

The irritated tone that leaked out as the lightly closed lips opened stripped away the last handful of his judgment. Swallowing his sobs, Hae-won buried his face in the firm thigh and muttered incoherently.

“You… you’re not being taken away. I know everything, I know, so why are you like this… You kissed me earlier…”

“Get up.”

“I… I don’t want to go… Hae-young, I just… I was just saying it. Don’t do this…”

Sighing, Seo Hae-young grabbed the limp body and hauled him up in one go. Dragging Hae-won, who couldn’t even breathe properly and only sobbed, he strode toward the dressing room. Despite his ankle twisting several times because he couldn’t balance himself, he forced pants onto Hae-won, who was mumbling for him to stop, and took out the bag stored on the top shelf of the closet. Even when the bag that had been taken away upon entering this place was placed in his arms, Hae-won showed no sign of joy and remained in confusion; when Seo Hae-young tapped his shoulder, a face stained with deep betrayal turned back. Suppressing the corners of his mouth that tried to curl up, Seo Hae-young lightly pushed the back where the spinal columns were prominent.

“Pack what you need.”

Pushed back helplessly once again, Hae-won carefully lifted his feet that refused to move. His wet eyes scanned the surroundings, capturing the blurred background, but he couldn’t hold them steady and let the tears flow. Even as he limped forward, leaning against the wall, he repeatedly looked back, but Seo Hae-young’s figure was also blurred, making it impossible to see what expression he was wearing.

Just as he had to strip when told to strip, he had to leave when told to leave. He had no time to properly perceive the rapidly unfolding situation. Letting out a sob-filled gasp, Hae-won wiped his eyes with his wounded palms and walked aimlessly.

There was nothing to take from this house. Everything belonged to Seo Hae-young, and he had only borrowed it for a while. Having reached the stairs empty-handed, Hae-won suddenly turned toward the study as if possessed. There were just a few things he wanted to take.

Standing before the desk where books and notebooks were neatly organized, he opened the bag. Even though the endlessly falling tears blurred his vision, the hand hovering over the desk did not hesitate.

When he left the study, the bag was tightly closed. Seo Hae-young, waiting in the hallway, gripped the forearm that was clutching the bag tightly, and the two slowly descended the stairs toward a predetermined end. No conversation passed between them.

Descending to the first floor, Hae-won lifted his heavy eyelids and blinked his stinging eyes. The living room was in disarray. Large boxes were lined up along the wall as if they were moving, and a pungent scent similar to paint was smelled. As his stiff head slowly turned to take in the unfamiliar sight, his body, which had been heading toward the entrance, tilted. The direction Seo Hae-young was leading the staggering body was the exact opposite of the entrance.

While glancing doubtfully at the impassive profile, his feet, which had been led along, suddenly came to a halt. It was in front of a door that was the same color as the wall, making it impossible to tell if it was there or not without looking closely. It was also a door he had never once opened while coming and going from this house for several years.

Hugging the bag a bit tighter, Hae-won had no choice but to wait for an explanation in the face of this incomprehensible situation. Seo Hae-young, letting out a smirk while looking down at the blank expression, grabbed the handle on the door and pushed it down with force. It seemed like an expectant expression, but Hae-won could not understand anything. And then.

“I couldn’t bring the door.”

Click, the door opened. Pushed by the hand lightly nudging his shoulder, Hae-won awkwardly stepped down three low stairs. A familiar sensation touched his bare feet, which were not wearing slippers. It was smooth linoleum. Old linoleum that stuck to the soles of the feet when summer came.

An unknown sense of déjà vu crept up through the soles of his feet. The moment he lifted his heavy head, his jaw dropped.

“Uh…?”

His bloodshot eyes rolled around. Having dropped his bag at some point, Hae-won staggered and frantically looked around the surroundings, which were tangled in the influence of alcohol.

A flimsy wardrobe acting as a door, a low bookshelf filled with books he couldn’t bring himself to throw away, a thin blanket, floral wallpaper that wrinkled and cried when it rained, an old fan sitting in the corner, a low desk with cigarette burn marks. Everything mixed together in a jumble and overwhelmed his mind in an instant. Seo Hae-young’s voice seeped into the place that was identical to the house in his memories.

“I heard it hurts to do it on the floor, so I only put in a bed. It suits you, doesn’t it?”

Hae-won, who opened the closet to find the clothes he hadn’t been able to pack still inside, could not utter a word and slowly sank to the floor. He lowered his eyes, further disheveling his already messy hair. The yellowish linoleum under his feet and the shoddy finishing were exactly the same. Leaning his forehead against his knees, Hae-won let out a hollow laugh and sobbed.

“You… you said you were going to prison… You said… you told me to leave… This, this is…”

Seo Hae-young, who had come downstairs and was pressing down on a bed just the right size for one person, looked up. The moment he faced Hae-won, who was staring at him with distorted eyes while clutching his head, his elegant eyes curved instantly and his mouth fell open. The laughter he had been suppressing burst out all at once. The small, shabby room was suddenly filled with a cool, ringing laugh. Rolling on the mattress, which made a springing sound, Seo Hae-young muttered in a voice laced with amusement.

“I’m not getting arrested, you idiot…”

After laughing for a while, Seo Hae-young sprang up from the bed and strode toward Hae-won, who was suffering while clutching his hair, and cupped his cheek. There was no longer any need to suppress the corners of his mouth that were twitching upward. His wide lips bloomed into a full smile.

“Ah, fuck… So fucking cute.”

He showered countless kisses on the lips, cheeks, and chin of Hae-won, who was twisting his entire body in agony, flailing his limbs. The resentment and shock permeating those eyes, brimming with moisture, were beyond satisfying. He didn’t know how long he had endured the urge to do this since entering the room. Unfortunately, the fact that he couldn’t put Lee Hee-sung on the operating table and that the ashtray thrown by Seo Jae-young had split his forehead open were things Hae-won didn’t need to know.

Sucking on the moist lips, Seo Hae-young locked eyes with the panting Hae-won and whispered softly.

“Were you fooled? Did you really think I told you to leave? I didn’t, so what now, huh?”

Even as Hae-won, clutching his chest with pale hands, finally let out a scream of aaagh, the laughter did not stop. The plan he had only imagined as a child was proceeding step by step.

* * *

There was a time when he naively thought, how much worse could it get? He believed there couldn’t possibly be anything more painful than this, but it was surprising. There was no bottom to agony.

Hae-won exhaled a frail breath that seemed as if it might extinguish at any moment, fixing a vacant gaze on the ceiling with its neatly applied wallpaper. The bed, which had been creaking and shaking for a long time, had finally fallen silent, but his malfunctioning brain was still reeling. It was certain that oxygen hadn’t reached his head because his neck had been strangled so much. That was why he couldn’t think of anything, and why he felt no emotion.

The bed, tilted to one side, creaked as it returned to its position, and the man, leaving behind a naked body smelling of semen, turned away. There was no goodbye.

After opening the refrigerator—which had become even noisier—to check if there was enough food, Seo Hae-young stepped outside, and the sound of metal clashing rang out immediately. Hae-won considered that sound, heard every time Seo Hae-young entered and left, to be the sound of a lock being fastened.

Hae-won, who had been lying quietly without crying or screaming, slowly pushed himself up. Putting strength into his elbows that bent in every direction, he pulled in his limp legs and sat up to lean; the semen splattered across his chest slid down and pooled in his smooth groin. He pulled the blanket to wipe it away, but it only stretched stickily and was of little use.

Dropping his arms, Hae-won counted the grey flowers drawn on the wallpaper. What day was it today? He was curious, but there was no way to check. In a space without a clock or a phone, he could not count the passing time, only the flowers on the wallpaper. Whether days had passed, weeks, or perhaps months.

“I’ll come often. If I’m not busy.”

After leaving those words and departing the ‘home,’ Seo Hae-young had completely changed. Knowing full well that Hae-won was afraid to go into the bathroom alone, he didn’t wash him. He didn’t eat with him, didn’t let him sleep beside him, and didn’t go on old-fashioned dates every weekend. In the first place, he didn’t come often. As if to make him experience firsthand how precious those times had been, he drove him into a corner, neglected him, abused him, and very occasionally comforted him. The Bali trip and the wind were merely excuses for taming him.

There were times he clung to him, sobbing loudly. He knelt and begged with joined hands. The result was obvious. He had to remain here alone, waiting for hours or days for a Seo Hae-young who did not return. Since there was no one to wake him from his nightmares, he wandered aimlessly through nightmares that continued even when he opened his eyes, and the home he had wanted to return to so badly became a hell that strangled him day by day.

Facing another period of waiting, Hae-won flicked his ankle, which still felt stiff even after the cast was removed. He had no memory of going to the hospital, but one day it was off. This, too, was because oxygen had not reached his brain. Well, even if he had been sane, there was nothing he could have done. He thumped his vacant head against the wall to stimulate his shrunken brain to work better, but it had little effect.

Raising a trembling hand to wipe his stinging eyes, the sticky semen on his cheek stretched out in a long string. It would be better if he just came inside; he didn’t know what to do when it was sprayed all over his body. With a sigh, Hae-won wiped his wet palms on the tacky blanket and slid his hand between the mattress and the headboard. Things he had brought from Seo Hae-young’s study and hidden in various places brushed against his fingertips.

A sharp piece of metal, a pointed and long pen, a hard leather cover.

Sliding his hand along the frame, he pulled out two items. He held the cigarettes Seo Hae-young smoked and a lighter in each hand, staring at them silently. The things he took from the study weren’t valuable, and seeing as they weren’t looked for, they didn’t seem very precious. He had grabbed them without hesitation, but they were unnecessary and unrelated items to the point where he didn’t even know why he had taken them—yet each one reminded him of Seo Hae-young.

Looking back and forth between the items in his hands with bloodshot eyes, he took one cigarette from the full pack and placed it between his torn lips. The sound of the wheel clicking vanished, and a bright red spark flew. As he lit the end and inhaled, the harsh smoke passed down his throat, triggering a reflexive cough.

“Suck it.”

“…My throat hurts. I’m coughing.”

“Suck it, quickly.”

He inhaled and exhaled the smoke bit by bit, just as it was the first time Seo Hae-young had lit it for him. There was no hand stroking his hair, no staring gaze, and no ticklish excitement carried by the night breeze, but he soon naturally drew in the filter. The rattling fan drifted the smoke beyond the window, which was meticulously fitted with bars.

When a finger wrapped in a new bandage tapped the filter, the precariously hanging clump of ash fell to the floor. A dizzying vertigo washed over him, and he closed his eyes. Leaning his head against the headboard, Hae-won smoked the cigarette until a hot sensation reached his knuckles.

It was all a lie. That they were dating, that he would take good care of him. The words whispered into his ear were probably just mockery. He didn’t even have to think to know how ridiculous he looked, giving his body in exchange for food and a place to sleep. And to the person who was once his most relied-upon friend and the person he liked most.

Stopping the thoughts that spiraled toward the depths of depression the longer they lasted, Hae-won sat up, holding the shortened cigarette in his mouth, and took out the hard leather cover and the long pen. Rolling the small notebook used for schedules and the pen he used particularly often in his hand, he flipped through the dark brown cover. From the tilted notebook, a photo fixed to the first page fluttered down. Moving the cigarette between his fingers, Hae-won unfolded the photo that had been folded in half.

“Oh…”

Two people in school uniforms, holding a large bouquet of flowers, were smiling brightly and locking eyes. It was a photo that had been in a broken frame. Staring blankly at the photo with a neat fold mark down the center, Hae-won pressed the glowing red tip of the cigarette against one spot. He pressed down hard enough to crumple the filter and then pulled away; in the photo, only one person’s worth of memories remained.

The ash from the burnt-away faded past fell in clumps, and a small ember caught onto a heart that was burning black. The ember sprouting from the ashes had a fragile and faint shape, like a mirage. The ember waiting for summer crackled and burned.

* * *

From that day on, Hae-won began to record the days Seo Hae-young visited. In an isolated space with nothing to play with and no one to talk to, he needed something to focus on. Because a terrible nightmare would strike if he let his guard down even slightly, numbing his mind with alcohol and immersing himself in something while drunk was the only way to escape. He measured time by the sun rising and setting beyond the bars, and he estimated the errors.

Seo Hae-young’s scheduler was helpful in its own way. Checking the identical schedules written for each week, he visited once every two or three days to split his body and take his payment. In the last week of the month, it was once a week, probably the weekend. During that week, he felt like a dog waiting endlessly for a master who did not return. The only difference from a dog on a leash was that he did not welcome his master. The end of this month would likely have been no different, but today there was a slight change.

As soon as he heard footsteps coming down the stairs, Hae-won clamped his mouth shut with both hands and held his breath. His crumpled body, in a small space where he couldn’t move an inch, let out a pained sound. From his knees to his toes, everything was tingling, and he wanted to stretch his legs even for a moment, but the presence moving around the narrow room did not easily disappear. The sound of the blanket being pushed aside and the closet door being opened was vividly audible.

“…Yoon Hae-won.”

When the voice, which had sunk instantly, called his name, the sound of his heart beating thundered in his malfunctioning ears. He hadn’t realized he would regret the few sips of alcohol he’d had to maintain his sanity. He should have just poured it all in to kill the fear. Every time the noise of the few pieces of furniture being rummaged through and overturned seeped through the tiny gaps, his shoulders trembled and his hands and feet froze cold.

“Hey, aren’t you coming out?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and curled his body further, but the friction of slippers rubbing against the dry linoleum only drew closer. This time, a tap-tap sound fell above his head. The sound of fingertips leisurely tapping the iron plate did not stop.

Raising his tear-filled eyes to look at the darkness above, Hae-won gasped the moment he spotted a black shadow lingering in the gap. It was a sound so tiny it barely reached his own ears. Fortunately, the shadow slid away. Just as he was about to curl up again, pressing his aching eyes.

The makeshift sink cabinet swung open with a crash, and a lunging hand snatched his forearm and dragged him down. His shoulder was scraped by the crooked door as he was slammed onto the linoleum.

“Heugh…!”

While Seo Hae-young toyed with his earlobe and looked down with a sunken gaze at Hae-won, who was dragging his legs back, Hae-won—whose plummeting heart throbbed and who was exhaling uneven breaths—fumbled on the floor to push himself up. Without a moment to think, his legs bolted. Limping on legs that couldn’t fully support his weight, he crawled up the low stairs as if they were a cliff and pulled the doorknob.

The moment the door, which only opened when Seo Hae-young visited, opened in his grasp, a cool breeze and dazzling sunlight embraced his powerless limbs as if they had been waiting. Closing his eyes for a moment and then opening them, Hae-won took an awkward step. His hesitant steps turned into a desperate sprint the moment he heard the sound of someone coming up the stairs.

The reason for recording the days Seo Hae-young visited, hiding, and running away was vague. Even for a moment was fine. He just wanted to escape for a very short while. He knew nothing would change even if he ran, but he wanted to catch his breath for a moment, avoiding the tedious nightmare, no matter where it was.

Having burst through the front door—which he had never opened with his own hands since entering this place—Hae-won let out a meaningless exclamation as soon as he stepped into the garden. The wind brushing past his ankles held a deep, piercing chill, and the flowers that had been colored in various hues had lost their brilliance. Left alone under a deep blue sky, he looked around and moved his staggering feet. His chest heaved greatly, but no sound of rough breathing could be heard. The roses that had covered the wall were gone, and he didn’t feel the damp humidity that used to cling to his skin.

The season had changed.

“No… No, it can’t be…”

Not that much time had passed. It couldn’t be. His trembling lips parted as he pushed open the main gate. The moment he stepped outside the gate, where a stinging cold air lingered, an arm reached out, wrapped around his waist, and pulled him back. His shock-ridden mind processed the situation slowly. Only when the arm tightened as if to crush his ribcage did he realize, like a bolt of lightning, who he had ignored to come out. His feet, which had left only footprints, were dragged back in, and the half-open door closed with a crashing sound.

“Caught you.”

Leaning his chin on Hae-won’s shoulder, Seo Hae-young kissed his pale cheek lightly, as if boasting of his victory. In addition to hugging his waist with the arm that had locked the door and returned, he slowly swayed him from side to side. While the warmth from the embrace calmed the trembling, an unbearable emptiness reared its head. Lips that brushed up his nape lightly bit his cold earlobe and then let go.

“You want to play with me, right?”

“Ah…”

He must be crazy. This couldn’t be. He had counted the dates Seo Hae-young returned and had recorded several months’ worth, but so much time should not have passed.

Come to think of it… what did I do yesterday? The day before? What did I do just this morning? What time is it now, and what is today’s date? How much alcohol had he drunk to remember nothing at all? Seo Hae-young doesn’t come every day, so why is the refrigerator always filled with alcohol? It felt like someone touched his hair last night; who was that? Someone pressed down his convulsing body and whispered that it was okay. It might have been a dream, but it felt like it happened. Or maybe not. He had been hugged and comforted every day, and the touch of the hand patting his back was too vivid, but then again, maybe not. He didn’t know. No, he didn’t know at all.

As he was dragged back to the entrance he had bolted from, he tried hitting his head, but he couldn’t remember a single thing. Sobbing leaked from his crumpled lips.

Returning to the hellish house, before he could even flee to a corner, both of his ankles were seized. Seo Hae-young, sitting on the bed, easily pulled in Hae-won, who was struggling desperately to escape, laid him face-down across his thighs, and kneaded his buttocks. Since his diet had changed recently, he had put on a little weight. Though he still had a long way to go. Grabbing one of the flailing arms and pinning it behind his back, Seo Hae-young massaged the flesh, which had become softer and more tender due to lack of exercise, as if it were his own, and then raised his hand high.

“It is fun, but…”

As he struck down, a sharp sound sliced through the narrow room, and the lean body flapped from shoulder to toe. For a moment, the tensing muscles were clearly felt beyond the thighs.

“Hup…!”

“You startled me. I thought you fainted…”

“Ah, augh…”

It hurt enough to drive the tears back in. Clenching his teeth, Hae-won hunched his shoulders and exhaled hot breath. The tingling pain that spread from his buttocks instantly wrapped around his thighs and waist. Pain far preceded shame. Giving him no time to calm down, Seo Hae-young struck his buttocks relentlessly with a fierce hand.

“Why the hell did you crawl in there? Huh? What were you planning to do outside?”

“Heugh…! Mmph…!”

Hae-won bit his lower lip and swallowed the groans that rang loudly in his throat. He twisted his waist, draped over the firm thighs, but it was too weak a gesture to avoid the pain. Immediately hoisting up the disarrayed body, Seo Hae-young gripped the burning flesh of the buttocks in one hand and shook it violently as if to tear the flesh away.

“How did you know I was coming to be doing that? Wow, don’t tell me you did that every day?”

Looking down calmly at Hae-won, who was struggling by shoving the crumpled blanket into his own mouth as if refusing to answer obediently, Seo Hae-young let out a deep sigh and yanked down the elastic waistband of his pants. As the elastic, wrapping around both thighs and pulled taut, bound his legs, a panicked Hae-won tossed and turned, but it was far too late.

“Ugh…! Hmph…!”

A countless number of strikes followed over the buttocks that had already turned bright red. It was an effort even for the person striking, but Seo Hae-young’s arm repeatedly sliced through the air, maintaining a constant speed and intensity.

Once the sound of skin slapping against skin exceeded thirty times, the buttocks, which had lost their pale glow, were covered in dark red handprints. Hae-won, who had stubbornly endured the violence poured into an unfamiliar place, spat out the blanket stuffed in his mouth and wailed like a small child the moment the ruthless strikes passed thirty-five.

“Stop it…! Stop, hic, stop hitting me….”

Seo Hae-young, who had raised his hand above his head, arched an eyebrow the moment his eyes met the terrified gaze looking back at him, and delivered the final blow. The buttocks, having taken thirty-six consecutive strikes, were swollen tight without a single gap.

“You can do whatever you want if you like. But you can’t keep your mouth shut. Don’t do that. Understand?”

Seo Hae-young caressed the searing skin with palms that had absorbed the heat, twisting the slender wrist a bit more. A pleasant moan erupted as if perfectly timed. Stroking the reddish corners of the eyes where an indelible fatigue had seeped in, he brought up the topic once more—the one that Hae-won never seemed to listen to, no matter how many times it was told.

“Answer me properly, and tell me every little thing that happens. Is that really so hard? Is that why you did it?”

“Wh-why should I… You won’t listen, you’re not going to listen anyway. You hate me….”

Hae-won, covering his face with his palms, gasped urgently, yet parted his lips from which saliva was not just pooling but dripping down. Seo Hae-young waited silently until the hard-to-understand complaining ended, then let out a scoff.

“Why would I hate you? I’ve never hated you.”

“I h-hate you…. I hate everything. Really, I wish you were dead…. Please, it’s too hard…. I can’t do this. Please, Hae-young….”

“I don’t recall telling you to say things like that.”

“See. Every day, it’s always like this….”

Seo Hae-young replied in a blunt tone, then stroked the back of the head of the sobbing Hae-won, letting out a faint smile. He caught a glimpse of a past that slipped through his fingers like sand. It was the essence of Yoon Hae-won—something that did not disappear even if it was bent, broken, or trampled.

The moment he released the bruised wrist, Hae-won desperately tried to crawl away, but Hae-young pulled him back in one motion and climbed on top of him, causing the flimsy bed to emit a chilling creak. Stripping off the pants caught on his thighs and tossing them into the chaotic corner, Seo Hae-young took the skin, dotted with occasional drops of blood, into his mouth and sank his teeth in.

“It, it hurts…! Stop! Stop it, please…!”

Fingers that lacked firmness struggled to push the head away, followed by agonized pleas. However, Seo Hae-young didn’t listen to the pleas in the slightest; only after leaving bite marks until there was no empty space left on the buttocks did he lift his head and brush back the disheveled hair.

While a characteristic sobbing sound, as if swallowing the grief, filled the narrow room, Seo Hae-young wore a faint smile and whispered softly, kissing the right buttock that was twitching, strangely more swollen.

“It’s all because I like you….”

The whisper was buried without a trace beneath the sound of weeping, and the erotic atmosphere that had bloomed from the moment the buttocks were struck drowned out the cries. Holding the buttocks, which would be covered in terrible bruises within an hour, and spreading them apart, Seo Hae-young rubbed the hole that was tighter than a fingernail and deliberately spat out cruel words.

If you knew I was coming, you shouldn’t have hidden; shouldn’t you have masturbated to loosen yourself up? I guess you want to be alone for a month. Did you get a hard-on after getting your ass beaten?

He was no different from children who hit someone and then excuse it by saying they did it because they liked them, but Seo Hae-young knew no shame or guilt. The problem was Hae-won’s attitude, reacting steadily with increasing sobs to every word that was a joke but not a joke, a sincerity but not a sincerity. Seo Hae-young continued to think so. It was all because Yoon Hae-won was as cute as he was vulgar.

* * *

The blanket that had been precariously draped fell beneath the shaking bed, and by the time the sheets were soaked, the penis that slid out from the humid hole sprayed a cloudy fluid over the mottled buttocks.

“Haa….”

As the two hands that had been gripping the long neck were released, the body, which had slid down into a prone position, remained motionless. Pulling out a few tissues to wipe away the sticky semen, Seo Hae-young looked at the back filled with bite marks and suction scars and quickly straightened his disheveled clothes. Normally, he would have left the room immediately, but today, it didn’t seem necessary.

Grabbing the shoulder that fit perfectly in one hand and turning him over, a face stained with tears revealed itself. The eyes were closed, and the lips had been bitten so hard that blood had spread around the mouth. Bending his waist, Seo Hae-young pressed the tip of his nose against the unconscious Hae-won and spoke in a voice that wasn’t small.

“Hae-won-ah—”

He called several times, but the tightly closed eyelids showed no sign of opening. Staring at the handsome face, even in its ruined state, he kissed the raw corners of the eyes and lifted the languid body.

He brought over the cigarette pack he always kept in the same spot and looked inside; the amount had decreased significantly, as if a few had been smoked in the meantime. Lighting a cigarette, Seo Hae-young reached for Hae-won’s right hand on the bed and pressed his nose to the limp fingers, inhaling. There was no scent. It seemed he hadn’t smoked today.

Intertwining his fingers with the cold ones in a loose grip, he smoked the cigarette slowly. Dust rising from a fallen electric fan mixed with the smoke, filling the air. As he inhaled and exhaled once more, the past buried here revealed itself through the hazy smoke.

Yoon Hae-won’s house was a space that slightly deviated from the flow of time. If one stepped inside intending to stay for just an hour, four or five hours would have flown by by the time they stepped out the door; if one brought food intending to leave after lunch, the sun would have already set. Even when he glared suspiciously at Hae-won, who naturally spread a blanket in the corner of the room, he couldn’t find the reason at the time. There wasn’t anything particular to do, nor were they having especially interesting conversations, yet this place always chopped away chunks of another person’s time.

There must be a vast amount of lost time piled up somewhere, but he still didn’t know where that was. Perhaps Yoon Hae-won had devoured it all.

“Why do you sleep here when you have a nice house?”

“Is that not allowed?”

“Because I like it… no. That… it’s good because my dad isn’t here. …Goodnight.”

Among countless nights, he remembered one where he stared at the round back of the head for a long time, wanting to see the bright red earlobes that had disappeared into the blanket. He remembered that night—the irregular breathing and Hae-won, who didn’t toss and turn even once while the strange space carved away the time, and the feeling of his mood sinking infinitely low because he wanted to do something but didn’t know what.

That was why he didn’t keep a clock, clumsily recreating a room where the only thing that had changed over ten years of coming and going was the owner’s height. He felt that if they completely forgot what time they were living in and what they had missed, he might be able to get that night back.

The cigarette fire, burning through the past, ate away at the filter. After putting out the cigarette and fiddling with the back of the hand—where only skin remained—with the tips of his interlaced fingers, Seo Hae-young stood up and quietly tidied the messy room.

He put the thrown objects back in their places, emptied the ashtray piled with cigarette butts, filled the refrigerator, and finished the chores that tomorrow’s Hae-won would not remember before returning with a wet towel. After meticulously wiping the sticky body and dirty soles of the feet and kissing the pale instep with a loud smack, the simple tasks were roughly finished.

Without delay, he left the basement, washed up, and gathered his work. He passed by the cold bed, where he hadn’t lain for a long time, without even a glance. Fatigue clung to every step down the stairs, but he wasn’t annoyed. The moment he poured his work onto the low desk—which had endured for so long that he didn’t know when it would finally break—it was time to handle the tasks that were not simple.

“Ugh, hng….”

Had it been four or five hours? Seo Hae-young, who had been taking a nap leaning against the wall after roughly finishing his overdue thesis, opened his eyes and sat up the moment he heard a groaning moan, as if he had been waiting. Approaching Hae-won, who was letting out a heavy moan while his rigid body twitched, he tapped his cheek to wake him, and the tear-laden eyelashes fluttered up. He opened his eyes, but he couldn’t move at all; all he could do was tremble. Embracing Hae-won, who looked at the ceiling with horrified eyes, he stroked the back of his head and buried his lips against the right ear.

“It’s okay. I’m here.”

“Hic, k-gh…!”

The eyes seeing hallucinations were clouded. Soon, fantasies murmured out from the parted lips.

Something is there, it’s watching, I have to go.

Following a sequence similar to before, Seo Hae-young climbed onto the waist of Hae-won, who was struggling and screaming, pinned the thin shoulders down, and lightly slapped his cheek. Unlike before, when he would come to his senses after just one or two hits, the intensified seizures left red scratches on the forearms and neck. Seo Hae-young, not pulling his hand away from the overlapping blurred nail marks, fixed Hae-won’s head with both hands as he struggled, his veins popping, and parted his lips.

“Everything will be okay. Hae-won-ah, we’ll be okay. We are okay.”

“Hng…! Hae, Hae-young…. No, this isn’t it. I have to go….”

Hae-won heaved his waist, pushing the mattress—which had lost its sheet—away with his feet. No matter what nightmare he was seeing, facing his lover, whose face was miserably distorted while his pale eyes were filled with tears, Seo Hae-young’s lower abdomen gradually grew tight. It was strange, as it hadn’t been long since he had relieved his accumulated desire. Seo Hae-young couldn’t suppress the smile that crept out through his parted lips.

“You can’t go. You have to stay here.”

“Go, have to… Ack, hnggg…!”

As he whispered that he couldn’t go, the legs that twisted even more brushed against the underside of his thighs, putting him to a grueling test. He had never touched Hae-won while he was having a seizure in his sleep before, but it became more of an ordeal as the days passed. He felt like he was going crazy with curiosity about how he would react, and whether he would come even in this state. He wondered how he had ever gotten past this before; whenever he looked at Yoon Hae-won, a bizarre lust surged at all times. At this point, it was almost pathetic. Every time Hae-won struggled without any sign of calming down, crying out “Hae-young-ah, Hae-young-ah” as if clutching at a straw, the back of Seo Hae-young’s neck grew cold, and conversely, his heated muscles swelled firmly.

Kissing the parted lower lip, Seo Hae-young, instead of pushing his cock into the hole that was just loose enough, defiled Hae-won’s ear at will. The words that escaped the mouth, passing through a mind cluttered and tangled from lack of sleep, were incoherent.

“If you run away again, I’ll really kill you. Know that I’ll cut off all your legs and make you crawl on the floor. If you only go as far as I can catch you… then I’ll let it slide. If you just want to play, that’s fine, but otherwise, you’ll really die. You have no one but me. That’s how it has to be.”

There were countless things he wanted to do with Hae-won. He wanted to break all the limbs that occasionally leaned into him softly with warm heat, even now. He wanted to gouge out the brown eyes that made him feel strange, and tear apart the hole that popped into his mind even during a boring day, stealing his focus. He wanted to ruin the face that was overlaid with a strange atmosphere due to its gloomy energy, and drive his cock into the torn hole until the breath stopped. He could fuck a corpse that was so ruined that no one would care, and he could preserve that image forever. Since there were few people who knew or looked for Hae-won, there was no reason not to. Seo Hae-young deliberately did not hide his desire.

“Do you understand, Hae-won-ah? Hmm?”

He gripped the cheek of the panting, crying Hae-won as if to crush it, murmuring so that he would understand clearly. As the throbbing erection became clearly visible through the loose fabric of the pants, paradoxically, the sudden seizures that came every night began to subside.

The strength slowly drained from the hand gripping the wrist and the nails digging into the skin. The eyes, immersed in hallucinations, rolled around before eventually sending a hazy gaze. He looked sane, but in reality, he wasn’t. If he had properly heard the words, he would have surely glared while shedding tears again. As Seo Hae-young smiled vacantly and brushed the forehead where sweat-soaked hair clung in strands, a mumble like sleep-talking leaked out.

“Hae, young-ah…. Don’t go. Stay, stay here. Don’t go….”

“I never left.”

“Don’t go…. I’m scared, I hate it so much….”

“I’ve been here the whole time.”

The two arms that hurriedly wrapped around his neck added their meager strength to pull him down. The feverish breath that burst from the desperately pressed lips would be forgotten when the sun rose, but for Seo Hae-young, there were countless days remaining. There was no need to regret.

Hae-won, who sucked and mixed tongues without technique, fell asleep as if a string had been cut, just like yesterday and the day after tomorrow. Seo Hae-young, after wiping the blood-stained lips, lay in the narrow bed and stayed by his side. He dozed off for a moment while patting the flat chest, and when he opened his stiff eyes, dawn was breaking beyond the bars. It was a relief that the uncomfortably erect penis had subsided to some extent.

After tidying the scattered things in the space that had once again carved away time in an instant, he turned his steps toward the low stairs. As he opened the wooden door that served as the entrance, the bluish dawn light touched his toes, and the stopped clock hands began to move.

The small house where Hae-won, who forgot the seasons and the time, curled up. There wasn’t a single day that Seo Hae-young didn’t visit. And from that day on, Hae-won began to run, once a month, as if performing an annual ritual.

* * *

Time, which cruelly rejected Hae-won’s wish to sit in that spot and rest a bit, raced ahead on its own. He trimmed the hair that poked his eyes twice, and was hit three times. In the wardrobe where shabby clothes had been neatly folded, unwrapped clothes were hung in order; the clothes grew thicker as days passed, then thinner again. In between, he was hit twice more. He smiled occasionally and cried often. He could find no difference between today and yesterday, and he would find no difference between tomorrow and the day after. As the attempts to abandon Seo Hae-young were thwarted hundreds, thousands of times, his gaze dried up, and his voice dried up. He was parched, with no moisture left.

After letting countless days flow by, summer finally arrived and flooded even the basement. The humidity and stinging sunlight that seeped through the bars cast over his withered face. Eyes that could reflect nothing blinked slowly.

Perhaps summer had arrived a long time ago. Perhaps he had been ignoring it out of fear of a long-ago resolution.

Leaning his head against the bed head, Hae-won looked at his hand, where faint cigarette burn marks remained. Was it two months ago? It was the punishment Seo Hae-young had dealt the moment he was caught after knocking on the neighbor’s door. He had knocked for a long time, not knowing it was an empty house. Without much emotion, he clenched his fist and pushed it between the mattress.

The scheduler that came out at his fingertips was much lighter than when he first brought it. As soon as he opened the thick cover, a section that had been torn out in a chunk opened on its own. The blank pages, which had been quite many, were also few.

The staggering pen tip slid over the remaining couple of blank pages. Curves that failed to become letters intertwined chaotically. The sentences he had once written to find the reason for being here no longer held power. There was no conclusion, no meaning.

Hae-won, who tore out the thin paper drawn with distracting scribbles, folded the note into a neat square, tucked it between the wall and the mattress, and hooked his finger around the piece of metal placed next to the pillow. He stared at the silent stairs for a long time before slowly lowering his upper body.

Having not had a proper meal for two days, his vision spun even though he was lying down. He should have pretended to have eaten a moderate amount, but since today wasn’t the day Seo Hae-young was coming, it was okay to be lazy. He slid his index finger out from the cold handle and gripped the sharp metal with his palm. The sharp scissors that had sunk into a bathtub in the distant past slowly moved toward his left wrist.

After practicing, which had left only thin scratches, he was able to place the blade over the vein more boldly today. He had to practice repeatedly so that he could start from the fingernails, pass the wrist, go up the shoulder, and eventually reach the neck. A knife would have been better, but the blade of the scissors was by no means dull.

Hae-won placed one of the open scissor blades against his wrist and pressed down hard.

“Ah….”

A sigh-like lament escaped. The stinging vanished in the blink of an eye, and bright red blood welled up. This time, he held the scissors with his left hand and moved the blade to the right wrist. A sudden, pathetic lingering attachment held his hand, but merely slicing down, rather than gouging, was not that difficult.

Hae-won, his wrists hanging limp and dripping blood from long, open gashes, let out a long sigh. The more the dark red blood flowed from the shallow wounds, the more the knot in his chest seemed to lift. It was similar to the sense of liberation he felt whenever he pressed his forehead against a hard wall or scratched himself in a spot that wasn’t already bruised. He hadn’t known whether he was alive or dead, but seeing the blood, it felt strangely reassuring that he was still breathing. After staring blankly at his bleeding wrists, Hae-won buried his face in the blanket infused with Seo Hae-young’s scent and closed his eyes for a moment. He couldn’t even lift a finger.

At the moment Hae-won escaped into sleep, leaving his overwhelming reality behind, a thick golf bag dropped onto the entryway floor. Four or five golf clubs poked out through the open zipper, falling diagonally in a spiral.

Entering the tranquility that a weekday afternoon provided for the first time in a while, Seo Hae-young checked the firmly closed storage door and strolled leisurely through the house. Only after checking every single space where a person could hide did he step onto the stairs. The sound of a bundle of letters in his hand tapping against the railing blended with the silence.

After washing away the stifling heat he had gathered during a rather unpleasant round of golf with cool water, Seo Hae-young looked down at the lower floor, carelessly tousling his damp hair.

During the last week of the month, he didn’t visit on weekday afternoons. He was busy, and he also found it cute that Hae-won firmly believed in his own set of rules, so he wanted to leave him alone for a while. He was dying of curiosity about what Hae-won did while waiting during the times he didn’t stop by, but respecting a certain amount of privacy was the basis of a relationship. Leaning his arms on the railing, Seo Hae-young lightly tapped his toes against the flat hallway.

He didn’t know why he missed the Hae-won he faced every night so much. He wanted to see that pale face and hear that low, always resting voice. Facing a delirious face and rubbing lips was all well and good, but today, he wanted to have a trivial conversation with a sane Hae-won.

Should he hold back, or not? Rubbing his forehead and glancing at the floor below, Seo Hae-young took a step after a brief moment of hesitation. His accelerating pace headed toward Hae-won’s room as if possessed. They say keeping distance is better for a long-term relationship, but theory is theory, and practice always has variables. And besides, the best way to keep someone on edge was to barge in just when they felt most secure. Smiling faintly, Seo Hae-young walked down the stairs and flung open the door that remained firmly shut without a trace of anyone entering or leaving.

“Hae-won, I’m here.”

He raised his voice as he entered the silent space, but no answer returned. Instead, a faint silhouette was visible at the edge of the bed in a corner where the sun didn’t reach. Seeing no movement, it seemed he was asleep.

Turning his eyes with a hint of disappointment, Seo Hae-young naturally diverted his steps toward the bed, scanning the room as if it were a rite of passage. He frowned as he counted the meals in the refrigerator, which were divided more for easy checking than for eating. His mood, which had been maintaining a decent level, began to plummet.

“He fucking doesn’t listen…”

After confirming two days’ worth of meals remained untouched, Seo Hae-young slammed the refrigerator door shut. At this rate, the weight he had barely managed to put on Hae-won would vanish again. He could overlook the habit of starving himself whenever things went wrong, but the habit of being so damn disobedient was hard to tolerate.

Since he had the time, he decided it would be best to properly fix this dog-like habit right now. Thinking that it was a good thing he had visited unexpectedly, he turned his steps with the intent of practically forcing the food into Hae-won’s mouth.

“Wake—”

Rolling up his sleeves as he stood by the bed, Seo Hae-young uttered a low command and lifted his head, only to freeze in that position. His stiff eyelids covered his corneas before slowly sliding up.

Lying straight on the narrow bed, Hae-won was eerily pale. Like a wax sculpture, he had neither vitality nor color. His eyes, which had stopped blinking, rolled slowly. The blood that should have lingered on his cheeks and lips was gathered elsewhere.

Wrists carved with consistent depth, a pair of scissors lying to the left, and a blood-stained blanket. The moment he faced the dried blood on the tips of the crossed metal, a blue vein bulged on his smooth temple.

Without time to process, his hand shot out and gripped the slender neck, and by the time he closed and opened his eyes, he had climbed atop Hae-won’s body, which was rolling on the yellow linoleum floor. Holding his breath, Seo Hae-young instinctively raised his hand. As he struck the cheek violently, the body—so pale it was impossible to tell if he was dead or alive—shuddered. As soon as the hazy, light-colored pupils revealed their color, Seo Hae-young grabbed him by the collar, pulled him close, and whispered a quiet question with a torn smile.

“Do you want to die?”

“Uh, ugh…!”

Waking from a long-awaited deep sleep, Hae-won couldn’t quickly grasp the situation. His shoulders and pelvis, which had taken the full weight, felt sore as if cracked, and his confusion grew as Seo Hae-young’s unexpected face suddenly loomed before him. He rolled his eyes, which were out of focus as he wandered the boundary between dream and reality, but the voice leaking through his teeth still held the remnants of sleep.

“Ah, uh, today… wasn’t the day… you were coming…”

Before he could finish his sentence, a fierce palm flew. Hae-won’s head snapped to the side, and before he could even perceive reality, he was plunged back into pitch-black darkness. Pain flickered before his eyes, and a thunderous shout poured out.

“You won’t die! Just because of this, you won’t fucking die, you piece of shit!”

With every syllable uttered, a palm large enough to cover Hae-won’s entire face delivered a powerful slap. After one hit, his dry lips tore; after two, his nose began to bleed. Even so, the hand did not stop, striking the already crimson left cheek several times with a sound like a fist.

“Ugh, hmph! Heugh…!”

A searing heat, as if flesh were being torn away, engulfed his cheek, followed by a dizzying sensation that shook his skull. Having been beaten suddenly while sound asleep, Hae-won struggled to push himself away from the floor with bare feet, trying to avoid the touch. However, it was not enough to escape Seo Hae-young, who seemed to have lost his mind.

“Why, ah, heugh, Hae-young…!”

“You’ve seen this somewhere, haven’t you? Did you think you’d die just from this? You deficient little shit, seriously…”

“I, I didn’t know you were coming… I…”

Seo Hae-young spat out another curse, and Hae-won had no choice but to helplessly offer his cheek. Every time the ruthless palm slapped his face, stupid mistakes came to mind one by one. But there was no mistake large enough to explain why he was suddenly so angry. Sobbing as he flinched his pinned legs, Hae-won struggled to hold onto the hand that was becoming increasingly fierce.

“Hae, Hae-young…! Hae-young, keuh…! St-stop hitting me… stop…”

His bitten tongue mumbled a crushed plea. Every time he spoke, the blood pooling in his torn and burst mouth left a bitter taste as it slid down his throat. Hae-won coughed piteously, his chest heaving. Gripping the face that clearly showed he was struggling, Seo Hae-young roughly rubbed the torn lips. He smeared the blood from the nose onto the lips, struck the pale right cheek to bring back some color, and pushed a finger through the lips parted from panting to catch his breath.

“Isn’t this why you did this, because you wanted to die? I’m telling you I’ll kill you, so why are you telling me to stop?”

Snatched by the wrists while shaking his head and dripping tears, Seo Hae-won felt Seo Hae-young rub the long lines on his skin with a thumb before slowly applying pressure.

“Ah…!”

Without taking his eyes off Hae-won, who was trembling with his chin tilted up, he dug his fingernails into the tender wounds. The area around the wounds, which were far too shallow to sever a stubborn lifeline, turned reddish. As pressure was applied to the wrists bent outward, Hae-won let out a groan, twisting his waist without even realizing his lean pelvis was brushing against firm thighs and his groin was being rubbed.

“Ah! No… no, I just…!”

“No? Then why did you do this? For attention? Huh? Tell me. Eh?”

He shook the twisted wrists, trying to drag an answer out, but Hae-won only shook his head with a pained expression. He couldn’t fathom why Seo Hae-young, who usually didn’t say much even when he scratched his own forearms and neck until they bled in front of him, was acting this way.

“Ah, it hurts…!”

Even if he had resolved to end this tedious relationship, the pain did not subside. As a pain incomparable to the scratches he inflicted on himself continued relentlessly, a desperate plea leaked through his lips.

“Haa, I-I’m sorry… I was wrong, I was wrong, let me go…”

The strong grip released the wrists as if throwing them away. Swallowing a heavy sob, Hae-won wrapped his trembling wrists and pulled his arms to his chest. Just as his unfocused gaze wandered, searching for a place to escape, the elastic waistband hanging precariously on his waist slid down. The weight pressing on his pelvis vanished, and his loose pants slid down to his ankles.

“Why, I-I said I’m sorry…!”

Not noticing for a moment why Seo Hae-young was angry, Hae-won hurriedly turned his body, digging his nails into the linoleum. He managed to shake off the hand grabbing and pulling his forearm and crawled forward, but before he could grab the bed frame, his hair was seized. “Ack!” No sooner had he screamed than his fingers slipped, and his forehead slammed into the floor. His vision immediately spun, and the strength drained from his limbs.

The sound of fabric being pushed aside and the hands prying open his buttocks brought him back to consciousness, but the reality was so miserable he would have preferred to ignore it. The violence that poured down like a storm was as sudden as it was, making it difficult to comply and keep up as he usually did.

Letting out broken groans and trying to steady his rolling eyes, Hae-won spotted the shadows cast on the wallpaper. One was prone, and one was clinging to the back. The blurred shadow covered his entire body in a form so massive and hideous that he didn’t dare resist. He tried to push away Seo Hae-young, who was lowering himself, but his pale hands were woefully insufficient. From the sound alone, Seo Hae-young was far too urgent. A slippery piece of flesh touched the tight, unrelaxed folds.

“Do, don’t do it… I don’t… want to do this…”

“…You don’t want to?”

The glans, which had been rubbing in circles around the hole, seemed to pull away for a second before suddenly tearing through the tight flesh and piercing his body. He thought he heard the sound of flesh ripping.

“Heugh!”

His limp limbs snapped straight as if struck by lightning, then convulsed violently. Moisture burst from the inner walls that were soft but not lubricated. As he felt something streaming down his perineum, his brain, having received too much pain in too short a time, quickly shut down its senses. In the meantime, the piece of flesh, forcing the folds open and thrusting inside, slid out and in again with a squelching sound.

Every time the clinging shadow thrust upward, the body prone on the floor shook violently. Unluckily, his beaten left cheek stuck to the linoleum with a tacky sound, but he couldn’t even turn his head. As his buttocks were pressed against the groin, muffled, choking sounds leaked from his wide-open mouth. The member that had forced its way into the closed hole relentlessly entered and exited, wrecking his insides.

“Ugh, ugh…! Hmph… kkh…!”

“You said you liked it once, you little slut… said you were dying of pleasure…”

Tears pooled on the bridge of his nose and dripped onto the blood-stained floor. The sleepiness vanished frantically, and the will to find a reason scattered like dust. What followed was déjà vu. Ah. His tear-blurred eyes rolled slightly. In the swirl of blurred shadows and distorted wallpaper that sucked everything in, Hae-won briefly saw the past. It was exactly like the day he had given his body to Joo Hyun-woo, who had poured out an unwanted confession. It was exactly this position, and that day had been less painful than this. It was a time when he had the resolve to throw everything away and leave.

“Do you really like that bastard? Do you like it even when you’re hit? I really like you.”

“No, fuck, Hae-won. Hey! You have to take responsibility… instead of talking about dying or whatever…!”

“I’ve always liked you, since a long time ago. I really wanted to do this. Since we were kids, since then.”

“Ahhk, ugh…! I-I can’t… stop it, please…! Haugh…!”

His light-colored pupils rolled back behind his eyelids, and the past and present mixed haphazardly. The saliva and blood leaking from his torn lips mixed along with the chaos in his head.

Hae-won, you said you were dying of pleasure. I like you too. I’ve always liked you. I’ve wanted to do this since a long time ago. Since we were kids. You have to take responsibility…

The loosely combined sentences seeped into his broken mind. Then, a ringing like a siren echoed sharply in his left ear, which could no longer capture sound. The tinnitus worsened whenever Seo Hae-young lifted him by the hair entwined between his fingers and slammed him down, or thrust his hips as if to force even his testicles into the torn hole.

The thick piece of flesh didn’t stop, poking past his stomach up to his solar plexus and throat. It wrecked his brain, wrecked his esophagus, and burst his eardrums.

“Heugh, Hae, young… Ah! Ung…!”

“Fuck, relax… relax your strength, Hae-won…”

The corners of his mouth distorted into a grotesque shape. The weight pressing down on his shoulders, the stinging sensation as the member ever-present in the blood-smeared hole slid out, and the pain of the glans piercing his crushed organs and abdominal wall—all of it turned into pleasure, and finally, into a desperate cry.

Stop it, stop it!

A scream erupted.

Hae-won, who had been frantically letting out groans and sobs, struggled violently as if having a seizure, pushing the shadow away. His outstretched hand pushed the firm shoulder and then slapped the white cheek.

As he crawled across the floor, trembling, the member filling his stomach slid out. When the glans, smeared with a pinkish, sticky fluid, popped out, a premature sense of exhaustion wrapped around his legs. Swallowing saliva that tasted of blood, Hae-won, with a vacant face, pulled up his pants to hide the streak of blood flowing down his thigh. Shaking off all the hands gripping his calves and wrists, he stood up, unable to stop his panting sobs. It was only natural that his knee, lacking strength, buckled.

“Ugh, hmph…!”

His staggering body collapsed in an instant. As soon as he tried to stand, Hae-won hit his forehead against the low desk he had set up in front of the wardrobe and rolled on the floor. Blood dripped from the corner of the desk, which had broken with a loud noise. A searing pain rose from his forehead where a red bruise began to form.

Without even the leisure to put a hand to his forehead, Hae-won staggered up and ran toward the stairs, following the habit ingrained in him once a month. Perhaps because it was too early, he couldn’t gain much speed. Panting and climbing the stairs as if crawling, Hae-won burst through the door that only opened when Seo Hae-young came, and in that fleeting moment, he looked back. The sound of his heart pounding and the sound of blood flowing through his veins were eerily vivid.

Haa, haa… As he exhaled and blinked, the small room he had lived in his whole life was clearly visible.

Seo Hae-young was revealed, sitting with his back against the bed. Seo Hae-young, who was staring intently while stroking the member that had been inside him just a moment ago with one hand. The moment their blurred gazes met, goosebumps rose on the back of his neck, which felt a chilly pull. As he hesitated and backed away, the expressionless face crumbled, and a strange smile bloomed. From the long, horizontally torn lips, a voice carrying a terrifying heat flowed out.

“Run properly.”

If I’m caught, I’ll die.

His entire body, including his shoulders, trembled violently. Seo Hae-young’s warning lit a fire under his frozen legs. Biting his lips, which had no intact part, Hae-won headed for the entryway, slipping several times on the smooth marble floor. It didn’t matter how many times his knees hit or how many times his wrists twisted. He had to escape. Just like the past days when he hid, waited, and then quickly moved his legs. Just like the past days when he had never once managed to leave the residential area, Hae-won kicked through the cluttered entryway today.

Slowly standing up, Seo Hae-young followed the path Hae-won had taken after a time lag. The image of Hae-won lying straight kept flickering in his mind, and he couldn’t control his impulse. While taking staggering steps, he lowered his thinly trembling hand and picked up a golf club rolling in the entryway. As he stepped out, the scent of Hae-won, who had finally passed through the main gate, tickled the tip of his nose. The hard head of the club dragged along the ground with a grating sound.

“Hae-won!”

Unresolved desire crept up from the tips of his toes. The moment Hae-won entered his sight, running with his pale hair fluttering, the corners of Seo Hae-young’s gentle-looking eyes curved sharply and his lips stretched into a wide grin.

“You should have gone that way, not here!”

He raised his voice, rapping against the fence of the uninhabited house next door.

“I’ll let you off if you can make it to the road!”

At some point, he had realized it. Yoon Hae-won was ruining everyone’s lives. The look in those eyes, the scent clinging to that hair, every word uttered by those parting lips—they ruined people.

He wanted to send him somewhere he could never be retrieved from, but unable to even do that, Seo Hae-young braced his legs and swung the golf club back over his shoulder. As he released the grip with all his might, he thought long and hard. Thoughts that became utterly useless the moment he faced that face.

The flying golf club snagged the legs of his fleeing lover and slammed him down onto the ground. Collapsing onto the asphalt twenty paces short of the guardrail, the body failed to cross the designated line again today. It was the same as last month when he knocked on the door of an empty house, and the same as two months ago when he tripped while turning a corner in an alley.

As if proving he was still alive, Hae-won twitched, and Seo Hae-young strolled over and knelt beside him. As he brushed away the strands of hair clinging to a cheek swollen to a pitiful degree, the soft sensation and the trembling intertwined between his fingers, soaking in completely.

“Keuh…! Hng….”

“Couldn’t make it, huh?”

The midday sunlight hit the damp eyelashes and shattered into pieces. The fluttering of those long lashes was suddenly so lovely that a sigh escaped him. Seo Hae-young gazed blankly at Hae-won, who was coughing lightly with eyes narrowed against the glare, and grabbed a handful of hair that shone even brighter amidst the clusters of breaking light, tugging firmly. In response, a wrist marked with long scars hurriedly reached out and gripped his arm.

“Hae-young, Hae-young-ah… I can’t, I can’t do this.”

Tender fingers, laced with a subtle dampness, caressed the exposed skin. Wherever the knuckles brushed, the skin seemed to die down as if burned, only for a hot sensation to spread outward. Under the blazing sun, Hae-won, breathing humid, ragged breaths, lifted his blurred gaze.

The reflection of the observer shimmered in those pale pupils. The faint image wavered along with the glistening moisture, becoming clear only when a tear finally dropped. Those clear eyes were a mirror reflecting an impulse stained entirely in crimson. Staring silently at his own distorted reflection, Seo Hae-young reached out and picked up the discarded golf club. Facing himself reflected in those long-tailed eyes, he felt a strange sense of euphoria.

“You were doing so well, why the hell did you run off?”

His chest tingled. His cheeks flushed and his fingertips prickled; he simply could not endure it any longer.