By Zephyria Koi stared blankly up at Ashley. He quickly added with a desperate look, unlike before.
“You don’t need tuition or living expenses, nothing. You just have to come with me.”
“Ash.”
“Leave with me. Then I’ll do anything. You just have to say one word that you’ll go with me, just one word.”
Please, Ashley whispered. At the muffled voice that sounded like a breath, Koi swallowed hard. For a moment, he wavered. What would happen if he nodded here? If he said he would go, if he took Ashley’s hand.
Suddenly, the image of Ashley waiting for him endlessly in the waiting room of the station seemed to appear before his eyes. Even the image of himself sitting in Father’s hospital room, looking at the brightening morning sun.
Koi bit his lip and released it. Towards Ashley, who was still looking at him, Koi opened his mouth with difficulty.
“…That, I can’t.”
Ashley froze.
“I’m the only one Father has.”
Koi continued in a trembling voice.
“I’m sorry, Ash. But… if I leave, Dad will be alone.”
Ashley didn’t say anything. He just looked down at Koi’s face for a while.
“Ha… haha.”
Ashley laughed, letting out a sigh followed by an empty laugh.
“Koi, what about me?”
He still asked with a smile. Tilting his eyes, trembling his lips faintly, with a face distorted so terribly as if he was about to cry.
“I’m alone too.”
In that moment, the words that he would go with him rose to the tip of Koi’s tongue. But at that moment, the image of Father sleeping in the Motorhome flickered before his eyes. Instead of hugging him, Koi clenched his fist and mumbled, holding back.
“You… you have a lot. So…”
Koi couldn’t say any more. Because Ashley was looking down at him with a completely blank face.
“Ha…”
Ashley, who had let out a sigh of disbelief like a sigh, opened his mouth.
“Even you’re saying that to me.”
At those words, Koi came to his senses. What on earth had he been saying? Regret washed over him, but it was already too late. The arms that had been holding him slowly lost their strength.
Ashley stepped away from Koi and stepped back. He turned around, glancing at Koi one more time. Koi desperately grabbed Ashley, who was about to leave.
“A-Ash, wait a minute, just wait a minute…!”
He had to say something. He couldn’t let him go like this. Koi asked falteringly.
“Hey, you’re not leaving here, are you? You’re not going forever…”
“I won’t be here anymore.”
Ashley’s voice flowed out calmly. Koi quickly added.
“I can go, I’ll go see you.”
He continued quickly. His voice was already trembling.
“We can meet during vacation. If I can’t go, you can come visit, right? Your house is here too.”
“I’m never going to see you again.”
Ashley gave a self-deprecating laugh.
“You know what’s funny? She was right.”
Koi paused. Ashley said to him, who couldn’t bring himself to open his mouth due to a bad feeling.
“You didn’t love me, you loved the me who loved you.”
In that moment, his heart sank. Ashley was about to leave.
“Ash!”
Koi grabbed his arm with both hands, terrified. The thought of losing Ashley like this emptied his mind. He had to hold him. He had to bring him back somehow. If he didn’t, if he didn’t do that.
“It was my fault.”
He would lose Ash forever.“It’s my fault, Ash. Please, don’t go! I’ll never do it again, I’ll never say those things again… Please, I’m begging you, don’t go!”
Koi clung to him desperately. Why had he said those things? He wanted to turn back time if he could.
He was holding onto him with all his might when Ashley paused between them and opened his mouth.
“It’s already too late.”
Koi froze at that moment. Ashley slowly turned his head. When their eyes met, Koi couldn’t say another word.
Ashley raised his hand to Koi, who was just staring at him. The warmth that slowly caressed his cheek soon faded away. His neat, long fingers lingered in the air for a moment before falling down. Ashley, reflected in his dazed vision, smiled quietly. His purple eyes deepened.
“Goodbye, Koi.”
He whispered in a voice that was lower than usual. Koi couldn’t even blink, he just kept staring. That was the end. Ashley turned away.
The strength in the hand that had been holding him loosened, and Ashley easily broke away from Koi. He turned his gaze forward and took a step. Koi could only blankly watch his retreating figure as he slowly moved his long legs away.
The door opened and closed quietly. Koi was left alone. That’s how he left. Without ever looking back.
*
Father passed away one day after summer ended and autumn began. Koi, who was the first to check on Father in the morning, realized that his breathing, which had been faintly audible until the day before, had completely disappeared.
Even as he looked at Father’s lifeless body, Koi wasn’t greatly shocked. He had been unconscious for two days, so he accepted the death more calmly than he had expected.
After that, things proceeded according to the procedures he had learned in advance.
Not many people came to the funeral. At best, a few colleagues Father had known while working were all that could attend. Koi’s friends, Bill and Ariel, felt sorry that they couldn’t attend the funeral to comfort him because they were in the dormitory during the semester, but Koi said it was okay.
After finishing the humble funeral, Koi went home and immediately threw away the old bed that Father had used and cleaned the inside of the Motorhome. But there wasn’t much to it. Father’s belongings were just a few worn-out clothes and miscellaneous items, and there weren’t any items left that were worth keeping.
He threw everything away, leaving behind only one old family photo that came out while cleaning. He decided to buy a small frame and put the family photo on the table. After finishing the cleaning, everything was done.
Koi even felt a sense of emptiness at the situation that was completed in just a few hours. The house was too quiet. In the Motorhome, where even the shallow breathing of the sick person could no longer be heard, Koi sat blankly for a while.
Now he was left alone.
*
“Koi, over here!”
Bill and Ariel, who had returned home for the weekend, called him out. Koi met them in the green belt, as they often did in high school. Having seen him after a long time, they first asked how Koi was doing and expressed their regret for not being there for him.
“It’s okay, really. It didn’t take long to clean up either. More importantly, how’s college? Is it fun?”
When Koi changed the subject, Bill and Ariel responded and began to talk about various things. Koi also became engrossed in the college stories that he might have been able to enjoy, and time passed in an instant as they chatted.
As they were leaving the store late at night, Bill, who had escorted Ariel home first, stopped before getting into the car and opened his mouth.
“Come to think of it, I heard Ash’s house is up for sale.”
“Huh?”
Bill continued, seeing Koi pause at the unexpected words.
“Well, my mom’s a real estate agent. She said a property came on the market.”
“Ah……”
As Koi blankly let out an exclamation, Bill sighed and added.
“I guess Ash really isn’t coming back.”
Leaving those words behind, he got into the car and left. Koi, left alone, stared at his departing car before heading to where he had parked his bicycle.
He readily got on his bicycle and skillfully pedaled. Of course, he should have gone home, but the bicycle was heading in a completely different direction. He didn’t realize it even as he climbed the hill. Only after going around the low mountain and reaching the top, when his destination came into view, did he realize where he had come.
FOR SALE
A sign was planted in front of the splendid and huge mansion. Koi got off his bicycle and stared blankly at it for a while. When he raised his head, the completely dark mansion was looking down at him. Koi leaned his bicycle against the wall and slowly started walking.
It was, of course, impossible to enter the mansion. After checking the locked gate, he started walking to the side again. The side gate leading to the garden was also locked, so all he could see was the front of the mansion.
Koi took a few steps back and looked up at the mansion before dropping his head again. The surroundings were as quiet as a mouse. He couldn’t feel any sign of people. Koi stood there for a while before getting back on his bicycle.
Going down the mountain was slower than coming up. He slowly pedaled, forcibly slowing down the ridge that he could have easily descended by simply leaving it to gravity. His mind was still empty.
So he’s really gone now……
Just as he vaguely thought that, a rabbit suddenly jumped out in front of him. Surprised, Koi tried to desperately brake, but he ended up falling with his bicycle.
“Ah, ouch……”
He stopped moving soon after falling to the ground and groaning. The surroundings were quiet. In the silence where only his breathing could be heard, fragments of memories suddenly came back to life.
〈I won’t be here anymore.〉
It’s true.
〈I won’t meet you again either.〉
Ash really isn’t here anymore.
〈You didn’t like me, you loved the me who loved you.〉
A sense of futility weighed heavily on his entire body. He barely managed to lift his bicycle and started walking, dragging his feet. His mind was just blank. It wasn’t just because of the shock of the fall.
〈Goodbye, Koi.〉
“……I like you.”
A fading voice like a breath was heard in his ear. It didn’t take long for him to realize that it was his own voice. Realization came unexpectedly. At the same time, the area under his eyes became achingly hot.
I really liked you, Ash.
It wasn’t friendship. It was never just friendship. It wasn’t because you liked me, or because you were the only one who loved me back then.
It was love for me too.
But it’s too late now. He will never see him again.
He won’t be able to call his name, or see the face that smiled at Koi. He won’t be able to confess either. Because he left. And it was all Koi’s fault.
Ashley tried not to give up on him until the very end. It was Koi himself who hurt and let go of Ashley, who was like that.
Really, I liked you so much.
Suddenly, tears burst out and Koi ended up sitting down on the spot and crying his heart out.