By Zephyria “…Huh?”
He couldn’t easily understand what Ashley was saying. Ashley’s face contorted at Koi’s blank expression. His face seemed to be both laughing and crying, and Koi slowly began to accept reality.
“What… what did you just say?”
He managed to open his mouth, but the sentence didn’t come out properly. Ashley simply listened to the fragmented question. But that silence felt even more terrifying to Koi.
*Ash Manifested.*
Koi’s reason awakened him to reality, so he wouldn’t get hurt. *I’m just a Beta.*
*Ash is an Alpha, so he’s different from ordinary Betas.* There must have been circumstances. *That’s right, that must be it.* I don’t even know what being an Alpha is like. Besides, Ash is an Extreme Alpha, so he’s far from a regular Alpha. *Surely, surely there must have been something that made it unavoidable…* There probably was.
*I waited.*
Emotions surged, pushing past his reason that kept trying to rationalize. He said he liked me, and I waited so diligently for only Ash.
*How could you do that with someone else while I was waiting for you?*
If he had at least called, if he had, if I had known, no, in the first place.
“Why are you telling me this…?”
In the end, the resentment he couldn’t hold back burst out. Koi lowered his head, tears welling up in his eyes. Large drops of tears fell, splattering. He would have been better off not knowing. Why was Ash telling him this?
“Koi.”
Ashley called his name. Koi looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears. He blinked rapidly, and thick streams of tears ran down his cheeks. Ashley’s pale face came into view in his blurry vision, which had once again filled with tears.
“No, it’s a lie.”
Koi just stared blankly at him. Ashley forced a smile.
“It was a joke.”
Koi blinked, half in doubt. He couldn’t gauge what his true feelings were. Ashley wiped away his forced smile and looked at him with a serious expression, saying once more.
“Really, I didn’t do anything like that with anyone else. You’re the only one for me.”
The filthy scene he had seen countless times unfolded before Ashley’s eyes as he reaffirmed his feelings. Naked people were intertwined and moaning in a vast hall. All kinds of alcohol and drugs overflowed, and humans were everywhere, exploring each other in various positions. The moans and screams echoed in his ears, and bizarre laughter filled his head.
*You need to extract the Pheromones.*
When he remembered his Father’s face whispering to him, Ashley came to his senses. The surroundings instantly became quiet. When the person in front of him came into view, the anxiety disappeared in an instant, and his heart calmed down instead.
“I told you, I love you.”
When he said it again, Koi finally inhaled a trembling breath and began to cry again.
“Why would you make a joke like that…?”
“I’m sorry.”
Ashley hugged Koi tightly as he began to sob.
“It’s my fault, don’t cry.”
Ashley apologized sincerely. He felt a mixture of pity and relief at the sensation of Koi’s tears soaking his thin T-shirt.
*Thank goodness.*
A trembling sigh escaped him unconsciously. He was glad he had endured to the end. If he had given in, if he had betrayed Koi.
*How much would I have hurt Koi?*
It was as if he was receiving some compensation for the months that had been like torture. Joy and relief came to him for a moment, but it was only for a ‘moment.’
*Why did I even say such a thing in the first place?*
He couldn’t help but admit that he had been testing Koi. What would I have done if Koi had said it was okay instead of being so heartbroken? Would I have gotten angry, asking how he could do that? Or would I have…
*Felt relieved?*
His arm, which had been constantly injected to forcibly extract Pheromones, was tingling. He knew what an easier method would be. If Koi had said it was okay, he might have run straight to the party right now. The pain was that great, and the temptation was strong.
But Ashley chose to persevere again and again. Just like he had refused until the end, even while going through near-death experiences several times over the past few months.
But there was only one reason why he had told Koi this lie.
To give himself a justification when he couldn’t hold on any longer and collapsed.
*It’s okay because Koi said it’s okay.*
But instead of saying that, Koi burst into tears, and that reassured Ashley.
*Thank goodness.*
Ashley thought again. If Koi had really said that, I would have definitely been angry. I wanted to confirm the value of that suffering, even to the point of making Koi cry like this.
*I’m glad I endured.*
He took a trembling breath and hugged Koi even tighter. Koi, who had been sobbing, hugged him back haltingly, and his chest tightened.
*You wouldn’t say let’s break up.*
If Koi knew how hard he had struggled just to see him again, he would never say such a thing. But Ashley decided not to tell Koi anything. Koi, who couldn’t even dream that such a world existed, would be greatly shocked, and it was hard to imagine what would happen after that.
Ashley knew. He was trying hard to deny it, but the truth was that he, himself, was no different from those who were wallowing in the chaos at that party. From the day he Manifested, Ashley had fallen into hell and would never escape until he died.
If he took one step, or even half a step, in the wrong direction, he would be forever beyond redemption. He would be tormented by that temptation for the rest of his life. Unless Koi Manifested, constantly.
*Is it okay for me to keep liking Koi like this?*
A chilling fear made his heart feel cold.
*If Koi finds out what I’m really like, he’ll be disgusted with me. He’ll abandon me. Can I bear that?*
A sudden chill ran down his spine, and a forgotten memory suddenly resurfaced. Why he had become so afraid of that man.
When he was young, he had only disobeyed his Father once. He had only been trying to fulfill ‘Ashley’s’ wish.
*Let me die.*
He couldn’t help but grant it because he was so pitiful. The feeling of strangling ‘Ashley’s’ neck while trembling all over in fear was still vivid. Of course, he had failed, and the price was enormous.
*How dare you lay a hand on ‘my thing’.*
Moreover, he had even tried to eliminate ‘his thing.’ Ashley was locked in a closet for three days, where not even a pinhole of light could enter. He didn’t know what ‘Ashley’ had suffered during that time. However, when he saw him again, ‘Ashley’ had already lost even the will to die.
*I won’t lose.*
He would never end up like ‘Ashley.’ He gritted his teeth and repeated to himself. *I’m different from that man.*
*It will never be like that.*
*
The two didn’t talk much while driving to Koi’s house in Ashley’s car.
However, just like before, Ashley held the steering wheel with one hand and held Koi’s hand tightly with the other. That alone was enough for Koi.
He had no idea what had happened to Ashley, but it was clear that he had changed somehow. All Koi could do was watch and wait for Ashley to tell him.
*Don’t be impatient.*
As he comforted himself and readjusted Ashley’s hand, Ashley suddenly intertwined their fingers and brought Koi’s hand to his mouth. Ashley kissed the back of his hand with a smack, rubbed his lips against it once more, then let go of his hand and glanced at Koi with a smile. Koi smiled back. Koi was busily racking his brain to somehow bring back the comfortable atmosphere of the past.
“Um, so, how was the East Coast? I mean… it’s crowded and hectic there, right?”
He asked, thinking of the images of the East Coast he had seen on screen, and Ashley looked straight ahead as he answered.
“This place is better, including the weather.”
The conversation was continuing without a hitch. Koi asked happily.
“Is it very cold there?”
“It snows a lot.”
Ashley smiled again.
“If you were there, you wouldn’t even be able to leave the house.”
“Because of the snow?”
How much would it have to snow to make that happen? Ashley said casually to Koi, who was imagining a photo of a Russian street covered in snow as tall as a person.
“No, because I wouldn’t let you out.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Koi burst out laughing without realizing it. Ashley also laughed, and before they knew it, the comfortable atmosphere had returned.
“What’s the daily routine like there? Do you have to stand in line to buy coffee in the morning?”
Ashley pondered for a moment at Koi’s full display of his romantic ideas about the East Coast, then soon answered.
“Nothing much.”
“Huh?”
Ashley, who had spoken nonchalantly, now gave a serious explanation.
“Really. I just eat bagels in the morning and steak in the evening, that’s all.”
“Just eat?”
“Well, if I’m bored, I honk the horn.”
“The horn?”
Ashley nodded.
“People there never take their hands off the horn.”
Koi thought it was an exaggeration, but he still couldn’t imagine it.
The West Coast, where they lived, was always laid-back, and it was rare for people to honk their horns if a car didn’t start moving when the light changed. Thinking about his daily life, where he would often switch to the next lane or wait and then the light would turn red again, he wondered what that place was like and became curious.
“So, how were your parents? Did you have a good visit?”
He asked without much thought. That was the reason Ashley had gone there, so it was a perfectly normal question. But at that moment, Ashley’s hand on the steering wheel tightened, and he could feel the grip on Koi’s hand also increasing.