By Zephyria 
“Ca, Carlisle…? You, how……, how…….”
His shocked white face was so pale it looked almost blue. With the blood drained from his beautiful features, Noah Hamilton quickly resembled a porcelain doll carefully crafted by a master artisan. The way he was just opening and closing his lips like a goldfish pulled out of the water was almost comical, but it still looked sweet to his eyes. Carlisle Graham wanted to kiss his lips, which seemed to have forgotten how to breathe properly, and breathe life into him. He felt the urge to convey warmth.
Even in this life, Noah Hamilton had not chosen him, and even in this life, being used and abandoned was the fate that his chosen partner had allowed Carlisle. Even after being so pathetically abandoned, he felt sorry for the small head that was in shock, and he felt sad. He didn’t need to add more blame, he felt sorry for his partner who was already in enough trouble.
‘…I’ve been deceiving you from the beginning. I’m not Young Master Hamilton’s servant. Let me introduce myself properly. I am Noah Hamilton, the prospective Crown Princess.’
Looking back, it was the same then. Noah Hamilton, having sensed the danger early on when he saw the still immature him acting clumsily, not even knowing that love had arrived, tried to draw a line with an uncharacteristic coldness.
‘Wait a minute…. Wait a minute, no. That can’t be, no way…!’
‘How are you going to properly govern this harsh land when you’re so naive? Anyway, it’s been fun so far. Take care of yourself.’
He was young back then too, and he didn’t know what kind of person Noah Hamilton was, so he seemed to have been quite hurt.
But not anymore. He had tasted failure and regret enough in the previous life.
So, he just wanted to embrace the body that was already suffering enough and filled with enough guilt that he couldn’t even resent him comfortably.
If only Noah Hamilton would give up on his intention to abandon him in the end.
“How…, you say. That doesn’t matter anymore. If you want to be precise, it’s better to ask when it started.”
He didn’t intend to deceive him. From the moment Noah jumped into the lake of the Black Castle where he was confined, Carlisle’s head had been throbbing unpleasantly. He just didn’t show it. He didn’t want to burden Noah, who would already be full of worries with various other problems.
Noah Hamilton handed Carlisle an old diary that he had found a long time ago but had missed the timing to return, and then left very cheerfully.
Strangely, he felt uneasy and anxious. He had to force himself to suppress the urge to beg him not to leave like this. He wanted to throw away everything he had to do and kneel down and beg him to just stay with him in the comfortable North. If Noah had shown even a little possibility of accepting him, he would not have hesitated.
When he repeatedly asked if he would come back. Noah smiled gently as usual, as if to reassure him, and nodded, saying of course. So he hid the rising anxiety and replied that he would wait.
He couldn’t leave his spot until the figure walking away without leaving any trace disappeared beyond the complete vanishing point, not just a small dot.
After Noah left for the capital, the inexplicable headaches became more severe. Sometimes he had dreams. No, actually, quite often. When he woke up, the details would scatter like mist without any details, but somehow after dreaming, his heart would flutter and he couldn’t concentrate on anything all day. Even the Grand Duke, who had trusted that his grown-up son would take care of things, called Lennox and subtly inquired about his recent situation.
At some point, he stopped trying to fall asleep altogether. It was because he had a feeling that a dream that would make him feel bad would soak the pillow again.
His mood fluctuated a dozen times a day. It was even worse when the person he had planted in advance told him that the Crown Prince and Young Master Hamilton, who had reunited, were very affectionate, and that they were so busy looking at each other that they hardly came out of the carriage throughout the journey to the capital.
The love he knew was originally a gentle emotion that cherished the other person and wished for their happiness, but every time he heard news about Noah Hamilton, whom he loved so much, jealousy that he had never felt before would burn his insides black.
The Sorcerer, who couldn’t stand it any longer, threw the diary that Noah had given him, telling him to come to his senses. He asked what had happened in the Black Castle that had made both Noah and him so out of their minds.
‘I’m going to barge in right now and see what a great sight that is. Huh? Get a grip. What we have to deal with is not the Crown Prince or anything like that. It’s the giant God standing behind Noah Hamilton. Are you going to ruin the great cause because of petty jealousy? I asked if you were going to hand over Noah Hamilton’s soul to God as it is.’
Even though it was content he already knew, why couldn’t he hold on to his overflowing emotions? Perhaps, using the Crown Prince as an excuse, or as a reason. He may have had a premonition to some extent that Noah Hamilton would abandon him again. The scar engraved on his soul was deep enough for that.
He needed a place to concentrate his mind separately. The diary of his dead brother that Noah had given him was a very suitable item to pour his attention into.
He felt sorry for Noah, who had taken the trouble to find it for him, but in fact, Jeremy Graham had lost his importance in his heart quite a while ago. To be more precise, since Noah Hamilton had scattered like a comet in front of Carlisle’s eyes, no human relationship felt very important. It was a natural phenomenon that came with the imprinting. So Jeremy Graham’s diary… was more meaningful as an item that Noah Hamilton had given him than as a memento of a precious dead person. There was no need to make a fuss about looking at the contents now.
Carlisle locked himself in his room and slowly turned the cover of the diary. The diary, in which Jeremy Graham’s honest inner thoughts were densely written, which had seemed so big and great to young Carlisle, was quite worth reading. As he looked back on the memories of his childhood, which he had already forgotten a long time ago, written in elegant handwriting, his nose would occasionally tingle.
It was when he had read about half of the diary that he felt a strange sense of déjà vu.
He was definitely reading it for the first time, and he didn’t even know that such a record existed until Noah returned it to him…. Strangely, the more he read, the more familiar the sentences became. It was a bizarre feeling, as if he had read the sentences dozens or hundreds of times to the point of memorizing them. He turned the pages frantically without reading the contents in detail. The content that followed was exactly as he had imagined.
How could this be…?
There was no time to be shocked. With a sharp ringing in his ears, as if an egg was breaking, bright red blood gushed from his nose.
‘Ah…….’
In the very next moment. He realized that he was living his second life that he had returned to. Everything was vividly remembered.
He woke up from the excruciating pain as if someone was forcibly tearing out his heart…, and instinctively staggered towards the place where he felt Noah’s presence. A dark Lunar eclipse night where even the moonlight was hidden. He was under the beautiful fountain that he was so proud of. Noah Hamilton, who had made up his mind so firmly, was holding a sword strongly in his own hands and had pierced his chest and died.
It was only after seeing that sight that Carlisle finally realized. That the terrible pain he felt at that time was the feeling of the imprinting being forcibly broken. In fact, he didn’t care about the imprinting at all. The important thing was that Noah Hamilton had chosen to die with the sword containing his will to protect Noah Hamilton.
There was no way to express the overwhelming despair and sorrow he felt at that time in words.
What on earth made you so difficult? I wanted to protect you, but how deep were the concerns in your heart that you couldn’t even confide in me that you made such an outrageous choice…? Emotions mixed with sadness and misery swirled chaotically inside. All that came out of his mouth were rough breaths and suppressed sobs.
He couldn’t even stand anymore and fell to the floor in an unsightly manner, but he was still trying to crawl somehow, when someone blocked his way. It was even before he could lift his head to check the identity of the obstacle. Just as he was about to hear a scoffing sound as if he was dumbfounded, his vision went dark. That was the last memory of his past life.
“After my memories came back, I knew instinctively. You must have remembered your past life too.”
“……”
“But I waited patiently. I was wondering if you would abandon me again this time.”
“……”
“You said you’d come back……. You promised you’d come back to me if I waited…., Noah.”
He involuntarily put strength into his Adam’s apple. Even if he swallowed a whole pot of molten iron, his throat would be less hot and less trembling than this.
“All the way here after reading the letter, it felt like you were strangling me to death.”
“Ugh, Carlisle….”
Perhaps it was too much to bear any longer, his slender jaw trembled. Tears welled up. Noah Hamilton was still beautiful, and he cried so sadly that Carlisle’s heart sank. But he gritted his teeth. Not now, really, at least not now, he didn’t want to wipe away Noah’s tears.
“Yes. That would be better. If you’re going to abandon me, kill me instead. Rather than being abandoned again……. It’s better to die by your hand.”
What he needed was a definite answer.