By Zephyria 
“My only wish is to be with you, who will no longer run away, in an endless eternity. The price to pay is the ‘eternity’ I will spend with Noah Hamilton. I promise that as soon as I lose, I will lose all rights to Noah’s soul and completely let you go. What about you?”
“My wish is…”
I muttered desperately, as if praying.
To be eternally separated from you who do not love me. To disappear completely from this world… without leaving even a speck of dust.
God, hearing my wish, said in a relaxed voice. Since he had offered ‘eternity’ as the price, I too had to offer something of equal value. As soon as I lost, I would become his mate and spend eternity with him.
“Good. With this, the balance of the scales is complete. Let’s state the terms of the bet.”
“……”
I didn’t even have the mental capacity to desperately ignite my competitive spirit. At that time, I was already sinking deeply under the weight of death, which was heavily pulling down on my entire body.
“You will live twelve new lives from now on. Just like all other ordinary human souls. But in any new life that begins in any universe, you will not be able to take any Blessing that I have personally bestowed upon you. A loving family will not be allowed for you, the shining appearance that evoked everyone’s admiration will also lose its light, and no one will shower you with love simply because you are you.
“……”
“Let’s see how well you survive without all my Blessings that you directly said you didn’t need.”
“……”
“In your last, twelfth life, you will return to this world again. Even with another being who has all the Blessings you had in one body right in front of you, let’s see if you can still spout such nonsense even after seeing everyone who loved you loving someone else instead of you.”
It will be a difficult life, Noah. The life of a human crawling at the bottom is more miserable than you can even imagine. His voice was filled with early excitement. He seemed to be imagining my appearance of already losing and begging for mercy.
“If you give up your qualifications as a human and corrupt your soul even once, really, just once, during those twelve lives, it’s my victory. The destination is… yes. Let’s make it obtaining the destiny as a human that I had planned for your body, even without anything. Try to be loved on your own without my help. The moment you become Adrian Pearson’s mate, with all the hearts of the brats who loved you, is your victory. Whether I win or you win, the bet will not end until one of us completely wins.”
Only after he finished speaking was I finally able to die.
But the rest was short. Soon, the twelve lives he spoke of began. Not remembering anything, I was born in very diverse time periods in very diverse universes.
Not all lives were extremely unfortunate. In some lives, I was lucky to get even one meal every two days, while in other lives, I was born into a wealthier family than the very first life of ‘Noah Hamilton’ that I experienced. I even got married a few times. There were times when I maintained a seemingly decent family relationship until death.
However, in no life was I ever truly loved by anyone. There were often those who only pretended to love me because they wanted something from me, but even my blood relatives felt distant from me. The tedious loneliness and isolation I experienced as an outsider who couldn’t fit in anywhere, without knowing why, gnawed at my mind in every life. It would have been less painful if I had no family from the start. Because if there was nothing to expect, there would be fewer things to get hurt by.
And the life as ‘Noah Hamilton’ that I returned to again. The twelfth reincarnation and the thirteenth life drove me into a vicious corner, repeating countless minor repetitions.
One thing was certain. This world, which had strangely twisted my original destiny, was undoubtedly the last chance for both me and him. So we are fierce. There is nothing we cannot do to seize victory.
‘How is it, Noah.’
‘All the things you threw away with the sole intention of abandoning me… Do you finally regret them a little now?’
His leisurely voice, reciting as he looked down at me crawling on the floor, vividly lingered in my mind.
That’s right. It’s a waste. It’s really a waste to death. My parents and siblings who loved me kindly, my gentle and considerate spouse, the knight who remained loyal until the end, the Sorcerer who tried to rescue me from God, even the young beast I had no choice but to deceive to achieve my goal… There is not one thing that is not a waste. But I hardly regretted it.
Before I knew it, I had passed the halfway point.
“How did it go?”
“Shh, it seems he’s asleep. Let’s move him to your quarters for now.”
“I understand. This way.”
I braced myself, listening to Lennox and Carlisle’s hushed conversation with my exhausted body. Now that I’ve come this far, there is only one path left for me. A complete victory to snatch from God.
* * *
“You’re… returning to the capital?”
“Yes. It seems like it’s about time.”
“That’s true, but… alone? Without taking me or the Sorcerer with you?”
Looking at Carlisle’s worried expression, the word ‘sorry’ almost burst out like a sneeze. I chewed on the tip of my tongue, forcibly stuffing the apology back inside. This was the problem after regaining all my memories. Carlisle and Lennox wouldn’t know anything, but every time I saw their faces, I wanted to apologize and beg for forgiveness. I, who didn’t even deserve to shed tears, couldn’t possibly shed tears in front of people who didn’t know the reason and beg for forgiveness. I was so sorry for getting them involved.
I pretended to be asleep and cried my heart out for just one night. And the next morning. As soon as I woke up, I expressed my opinion that it would be best to bravely leave for the capital alone.
“Yes. I’ve gotten everything I needed from the lake. Now I can do it alone, Carlisle.”
“Still…”
His face, still loving me and still worrying about me, was filled with deep sorrow.
……I have to let go.
The way to escape through death was simple. If I tricked Carlisle once again, obtained a weapon made from his fangs, and took my own life once again, I would surely be able to die this time. God would no longer be able to revive me. No matter what Sacred bet or anything else, no matter what means he used. It was truly the last time, so he even came down directly to ‘my body,’ which had been carefully preserved so as not to damage its original form, wasn’t it? But I couldn’t inflict such pain on Carlisle again.
After regaining my memories, what I had to do became even clearer.
Carlisle and Lennox… After safely ending the bet with God, I had to free them from such a insignificant person like me. I couldn’t let them be dragged around because of someone like me anymore.
“Before I go… there’s something I need to return.”
I handed him an old diary that I had kept for a long time. It was the diary of Carlisle’s deceased brother, Jeremy Graham. I should have given it to him a long time ago, but I had been so out of it in many ways that I had forgotten.
In my first life, I wandered around the northern castle, hiding my identity just like this time, and found this diary. At the time, I didn’t know who it belonged to and took it without much thought, but later, after reuniting with Carlisle in the capital… I remembered giving it back to him in the Empress Palace’s garden.
‘Look at this, Carlisle. Jeremy Graham, whom you thought was perfect, was also an ordinary person who needed a place to honestly confide in when things were difficult. He just deeply loved his younger brother.’
‘Noah…….’
‘Someone like me can’t possibly be Jeremy Graham’s substitute for you, but still, still…….’
‘…….’
I, who couldn’t even dare to betray Adrian, whom I had already betrayed enough, couldn’t continue speaking any further in my first life. However, Allen, who cleverly twisted and repeated the words I had said and the things I had experienced, would often add that he loved you more than Jeremy Graham.
I decided not to say anything.
“I accidentally found it at the Ducal Palace a while ago… I forgot about the timing to hand it over. I’ve been reading it slowly while we’re apart.”
“My brother’s……”
“Yes, I think it’s Jeremy Graham’s diary.”
Carlisle touched the diary a few times with a strange expression that seemed both sad and touched, and then soon raised his head again and met my gaze.
“You will come back, won’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Then I will wait.”
“Thank you always.”
“For what? It’s my pleasure.”
Even if I added one more lie on top of the already heavily stacked tower of sins, it wouldn’t even be noticeable. I skillfully said goodbye, hiding my true feelings.
‘I knew all along that you didn’t love me….’
‘…….’
‘But I’ve been pretending not to know because I wanted to keep even an empty shell by my side, but is even that difficult now? Am I that terrible…? Noah, tell me. Please. What should I do, what should I do?’
If I hadn’t regained my memories, it would have been different. But now that I had regained my memories, for me. For the sinful Noah Hamilton… betraying Adrian again was an impossible choice.