By Zephyria 
Aska clearly heard me come in, but he didn’t move a muscle. I figured he’d get annoyed if I suddenly yanked the blanket off him, so I carefully perched on the edge of the bed.
Catching my breath, I tried to think of things to say that would put Aska in a better mood. But buying him something tasty or praising him out of the blue would only irritate him more.
“…….”
I’d rushed over with such bravado, but now that I was actually facing him, I didn’t know what to say. I’d had a lightning bolt of inspiration when Mahir told me the story, though.
See, everyone has a moment when they have to choose how to live. I’d suddenly faced that moment a little while ago. But when I tried to explain the surprise of that moment to Aska, the words wouldn’t come out.
Was it because I kept silent? Aska, who looked like he would lie under the blanket forever, slowly poked his head out and looked at me.
“…….”
“…….”
Thankfully, he hadn’t been crying the whole time; his eyes weren’t wet. But his eyes were swollen, and the tip of his nose and lips were redder than usual.
“The reason I didn’t say anything was…….”
Aska, who had been staring at me in an awkward posture, suddenly opened his mouth. His voice was still nasal.
“I thought you might feel like I was a leech or something……. Because…….”
I wanted to tell him again that I wasn’t angry because of him, but Aska wasn’t finished speaking. I decided to listen first without interrupting unnecessarily.
“You don’t seem to have much attachment to living…….”
But Aska’s voice started to tremble again. He was on the verge of crying, and I almost reached out to him without thinking. Usually, if someone comforts you when you want to cry, you cry even more. If I made a fuss, he would just pout again, and we’d be back where we started.
So, I just adjusted my position so that Aska, who looked uncomfortable, could sit more easily. Aska, slumped with his shoulders drooping and buried in the blanket, looked overly frail, especially with his hair disheveled.
“You didn’t have much attachment to living, did you?”
Aska said with a sigh, sounding somewhat calmer. His tone was so certain that I couldn’t help but feel flustered. Not having an attachment to living meant wanting to die, didn’t it?
Had I done something to make him misunderstand when we were together? I’d been overjoyed many times, but I didn’t think I’d ever wanted to die.
I was lost in thought, wondering if I should just keep my mouth shut and reflect. Fortunately, Aska seemed to read my mind, staring at me for a long time before saying,
“I saw you when you lost your memories and found them again.”
I didn’t immediately understand what he meant. Then I remembered the long childhood dream I had when we were coming out of the underground Ruins.
It felt like watching a long play, and Aska had peeked into that memory with me using Popo’s ability.
I felt like he’d seen everything, even things I wanted to hide, so I didn’t bother asking him exactly what he’d seen or from what point.
“You’ve thought that there wasn’t much difference between life and death since you were little, right? That’s why you didn’t care much whether you lived or died and acted so recklessly…….”
Had I lived thinking that way? It was so long ago that I didn’t remember well. But I couldn’t deny that I hadn’t cared much whether I lived or died.
It wasn’t so much that there was no difference between life and death, but rather that I didn’t have a reason to live. It was also because I’d been told that I wouldn’t live long anyway.
Was that what he meant? I tilted my head, confused, and Aska sniffled and continued,
“So I thought you might just choose to die. Of course, I was more likely to be grateful……. But I was afraid you might say it’s better to die than to live while hurting me, so I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to keep secrets from you either…….”
Aska’s lips and voice started to tremble as he poured out his feelings.
“Thinking about that, I started to worry about what would happen if you died……. Even if you don’t die right now, I suddenly realized that you won’t live for 100 years…….”
Eventually, the tears that had been welling up streamed down his cheeks again. He was about to rub his already red eyes with the back of his hand again, so I gently grabbed Aska’s wrist.
“You were scared I would die?”
I couldn’t dismiss Aska’s worries as mere imagination. If someone asked me, ‘Should I live even if it means hurting Aska?’ I would naturally say ‘No.’
I hadn’t even considered that Aska, who would be left alone if I died, would cry and grieve like this. If this hadn’t happened, I probably wouldn’t have thought about the people left behind even if such a moment came.
I might have thought about it briefly at the moment of death. But even so, everything would be over once I died. Even if there was an afterlife, how could the dead interfere with the living?
“I’ve never imagined a world without you.”
A voice as fragile as an old thread cut through my thoughts like a knife.
“It’s not that I’m scared, but……. I don’t know what to do…….”
“…….”
“So I can’t say anything to you……. But I didn’t know you’d get so angry……. That you’d keep yelling and getting angry at me…….”
I shook my head, correcting him as I listened to his stammering words.
“I kept saying, I wasn’t angry at you. It’s not that I was angry at you, but I didn’t understand this situation.”
“No, it’s not that. I know. I know you weren’t angry at me.”
I immediately regretted opening my mouth at his small whimper.
“I was flustered because you were yelling. I’m not angry at you either. I was just annoyed because I really didn’t know what to do. It’s not because I hate you.”
“Why are you saying the obvious? I know that.”
“And it’s not like I did well either. I know it was wrong of me to do that without saying anything. It’s natural for you to feel frustrated. I would have been dumbfounded too if I were you.”
Had he been reflecting on his own all this time? I didn’t know what to do at his sudden confession. Had Aska, who had caused the accident, ever admitted his mistakes so readily?
I thought he would be annoyed and tell me to apologize to him right away, and then he would be appeased if I comforted him and hugged him. But the fact that he was acting like this made me feel increasingly uneasy.
“No, I’m more sorry. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”
I was flustered and apologized urgently, but Aska shook his head with a tired face.
“Don’t say you’re sorry when you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m more sorry. I shouldn’t have done that to you without saying anything.”
“…….”
Something seemed to be going strangely. I couldn’t do anything but roll my eyes, and then Aska lowered his head. In that moment, tears fell down.
“If you hate it that much, just do what you want…….”
And he mumbled something, but it was hard to understand what he meant even when I heard it. What did he mean by telling me to do what I wanted?
I asked with a bewildered face.
“What is it that I want?”
Aska glanced up at my question.
“If you don’t want to live, then just don’t.”
“……What?”
“No matter how much I think about it, I don’t have the confidence to force you to do something you hate……. That would be too hard for me, and it would be even harder for you. So just do what you want. I think that would be better.”
Aska explained a little more to me, who was still bewildered. But I still couldn’t understand what he meant. I stared blankly at Aska, dazed, and then asked, just in case.
“So you’re saying I should die if I don’t want to receive your heart?”
Even as I said it, I thought there was no way, but Aska nodded right away. Then he even confirmed it.
“Just die.”
“Die…….”
Speechless, I closed my mouth without even being able to utter a single word properly.
He still hadn’t gotten over his anger. He must have learned that this was a more effective method than yelling and cursing.
I hurriedly grabbed his hand before Aska’s anger grew even more intense.
“I’m sorry for getting angry earlier.”
“I’m more sorry than you. And I know you weren’t angry at me. Don’t keep apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“No, why didn’t I do anything wrong! And why should I die?”
I never thought he would tell me to die just because he was angry. I knew it was a joke, but my spine was chilled.
“I’m not going to die.”
……It is a joke, right?
I swallowed nervously and muttered, and Aska asked with a puzzled expression.
“You’re not going to die?”
“Of course not. I’m never going to die.”
“What about tomorrow?”
“I’m not going to die tomorrow either. I’m not going to die the day after tomorrow either.”
Aska’s expression visibly relaxed as if he was relieved by my words. Seeing this, it seemed like it was a joke again……. But what kind of joke was this, so gruesome? Or did he deliberately create this extreme situation so that I couldn’t say anything?
Aska, seeing me still confused, squeezed the hand holding mine.
“But if you ever want to die in the future, be sure to tell me first.”
His voice and tone were gentle and kind, but the content was not at all.
“Why? Are you going to take your heart back?”
“No, but since it’s the last time, it would be nice to eat something delicious together. Something you’ve never eaten before. Or go see something fun. It’s also good to go to a hot spring.”
“Are you saying we should throw a death celebration party or something?”
At this point, a wave of resentment washed over me, and I unknowingly let go of the hand I was holding. But as soon as I did, I felt like he would go somewhere, so I grabbed Aska’s fingers again and intertwined them tightly.
“I wasn’t planning on throwing a party……. But if you want to, go ahead. It’s the last time, so it’s good to do everything you want.”
Then, suddenly, I realized that something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but it felt like the conversation was superficial.
I asked cautiously.
“Then what are you going to do when I die?”
“What?”
Aska’s brow furrowed at my question. Aska looked at me with eyes that said, ‘What nonsense are you talking about?’
“What do you mean, what am I going to do?”
“……?”
“What are you talking about?”
“No, when I die……. Wait a minute. Are you going to die with me?”
I asked, startled by the thought that struck me like lightning. Unlike me, who was flustered, Aska was rather nonchalant.
“What’s the point of me living without you?”
“What?”
“Anyway, if it seems like it’s absolutely impossible, tell me a day in advance. Okay?”
Aska grabbed my hand and pleaded with earnest eyes.