By Zephyria 
No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t deny that Aska’s actions were the best course of action in reality. In fact, I probably would have done the same thing as Aska.
Even if I accepted it in my head, my heart didn’t. It wasn’t that Aska should have let me die, but still…
“What’s so bad about not having a heart for you?”
It seemed like once a wound was made, it couldn’t be healed. Otherwise, there would be no reason to stick something strange on his body and cover up the wound.
At my question, Aska just looked at me with a somewhat dumbfounded expression. Then, his face gradually turned red and blue.
“I was just asking. Why? Can’t I even ask this? Why are you looking at me like that again?”
Am I the only one who’s impatient? Am I the only one who’s burning up inside like this? I had no idea what Aska was thinking.
“Is that what’s important right now?”
His voice, full of injustice, trembled. I was so dumbfounded that I asked back.
“Then what’s more important in this situation?”
“Didn’t you hear what I said?”
“I heard it. Everything, without missing a single word.”
Of course, I heard everything, so I’m so anxious. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have pushed Aska to speak quickly.
“Are you sure the wound can’t be healed?”
When I asked again, Aska sighed and turned his head. Tears slid down his pale cheeks, gathered at the tip of his chin, and fell down.
“I can restore it later. I just don’t have the leeway right now.”
“What leeway? Do you need time? Or materials?”
“I just need time. This kind of wound doesn’t even require a comatose state.”
“Then why didn’t you heal it sooner? What leeway didn’t you have? We just kept going out to play.”
If I had known Aska was in this condition, I wouldn’t have gone out to play. Isn’t that obvious? If he didn’t want to say he was wounded, he could have just made up an excuse like being sleepy or tired to make some time, right? Why did he leave it in this state all this time?
The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I felt.
“How much leeway do you need?”
“……”
It was even worse because he kept shutting his mouth and glaring at me like this. I felt the urge to punch my chest with my fist.
“If you had fixed it during the time we were pointlessly playing around, it would have healed a long time ago. Why are you wandering around with that hole and wound gaping open, that’s what I’m saying.”
But more difficult than frustration was self-loathing. The fact that I didn’t know Aska was in so much pain made it so hard for me.
If I had paid a little more attention, I would have noticed something was wrong. Aska wasn’t the meticulous type in the first place, so he must have left clues here and there, but I didn’t notice any of them.
“Let’s go up and treat that first.”
I grabbed Aska’s wrist and started walking. Since Aska was so sensitive about the heart thing, I decided to coax him and talk to him…
“Let go!”
Then Aska shook off my hand. Surprised, I turned my head and saw that the emotions were swirling again on his face, which had seemed to calm down a little. His eyes, filled with tears, sparkled every time his shoulders shook as he huffed.
“Stop being stubborn and come with me. Let’s treat the wound first.”
My head was throbbing and I was tired, so I sighed without realizing it. I pinched and pressed the area in front of my eyes with my index finger, and Aska got annoyed.
“When have I ever been stubborn?”
“You’re being stubborn right now. I’m saying let’s treat the wound first, but why are you refusing? Are you going to stay here forever? Are you going to live here?”
“Yes! I’m going to live here, so what!”
“Why are you acting like a child all the time!”
“Don’t yell at me!”
I shut my mouth at his shuddering words. I thought that if I got angry too, we wouldn’t be able to have a conversation, so I tried to calm down as much as possible and said calmly.
“Okay, I won’t yell, so tell me why you don’t want to go. Do you not want to treat the wound?”
Honestly, even coaxing and comforting him was a waste of time. I wanted to just pick Aska up and go back right away and treat him as soon as possible.
“Why are you so angry? Because I yelled and got angry? Is that why?”
I thought he would just nitpick again, but fortunately, Aska was trying to calm down, panting. But the tears didn’t stop and kept pouring out, making his already pale face turn completely white.
“You… hic!”
Then he suddenly started hiccuping.
I was about to sigh, but I thought it would upset Aska again, so I just sighed inwardly. I gently patted Aska’s back, which was shaking as he breathed roughly.
“Breathe slowly. Don’t talk so fast.”
At my words, Aska took a deep breath in and out repeatedly. His breathing became stable, but he was still hiccuping.
“When we came out of the Ruins…”
“Ruins? From the Rollai Mountains?”
“Yeah, we came out of the basement there and went to the inn. I told you to stop by the hot springs before going back… I looked all over to see if there were any nearby…”
“……”
I couldn’t help but be bewildered by his panting and rambling words. What hot springs all of a sudden? I wanted to ask, but I just listened to what Aska was saying.
“You didn’t go.”
“……So?”
“When we were in Actan, we only went out when there was a festival… So I just kept… Anywhere, just…”
His sobs were getting louder and his speech was becoming slurred. I sat Aska down on the stairs railing and wiped his wet cheeks and eyes with my hands. Then Aska leaned his face against my palm and started crying even harder.
I thought for a long time about why he was talking about hot springs in this situation. But I couldn’t figure it out at all. As if reading my mind, Aska mumbled.
“Why is that unnecessary…”
What is he talking about…
“……”
Could it be that he’s acting like this because I said we were pointlessly playing around earlier? That’s ridiculous. He’s acting like this because of just one word in this serious situation?
I couldn’t believe it. But if I told him straight, we would just raise our voices again. I didn’t understand, but I tried to match Aska’s mood as much as possible and comforted him.
“It’s not that playing around with you was unnecessary, it’s that it would have been much better if we had treated it first during that time. We can always play later. We have plenty of time.”
“What do you mean plenty of time, you’re not going to live for even 100 years anyway… can’t live…”
His voice was trembling because he was crying, so he couldn’t even finish his sentence and just kept stammering. I was taken aback, but I felt more sorry for him because he was crying so sadly.
“It’s just a matter of priority. Anyway, that’s what I mea…”
So I was about to apologize unconditionally, but Aska put his hand on my shoulder. Then he lowered his head and sobbed.
“I kept saying I was okay. That I wasn’t hurting. I said I was okay so many times… I’m really okay… I don’t hurt, I’m fine…”
“……”
“I told you that it hurts more when you’re angry at me… I really hate that so much. I really hate it…”
I felt drained. Aska, who had been crying non-stop since earlier, must be having a harder time than me. I didn’t understand how that could be more painful than a physical wound, but I hugged Aska tightly.
As if he had been waiting for it, Aska rubbed his wet cheeks and eyes against my neck. He had cried so much that my collar was completely wet in a short time.
“I really hate the look on your face when you’re angry. Look at your face in the mirror later when you’re angry. Your eyes are disgusting too.”
His face was as warm as freshly baked bread from how much he had cried. His eyelids were also slightly swollen and his lips were red as if they were about to burst.
“It’s not that I was angry at you, I was just really worried. You did that without saying anything to me. Didn’t you think I would be upset if I found out?”
I thought Aska would apologize, but he nodded with a sulky expression. I wondered if he had misunderstood my question, so I asked again.
“You thought I would be upset?”
“No, I didn’t really think about that…”
“……”
He hadn’t misunderstood. I was speechless for a moment. Aska pouted and looked at me, then turned his head as if he was frustrated.
“I didn’t think you would be worried when you tore open your chest and took out your heart? When you put that in my body without me knowing to save me?”
“I just thought you would say thank you.”
“……”
I was speechless again. How could he be so simple? No, can this be explained by saying he’s simple? Even if a pet dog did the same thing, it would be natural to be upset, but Aska was my rain.
Who would just be happy to hear that a loved one hurt themselves to protect them? Does Aska think I’m that kind of person? A pathetic man who is just happy to cling to his loved one like a leech and make a living by sucking their blood?
I couldn’t help but get angry. My heart started beating irregularly and I started gasping for breath, but Aska looked at me with eyes full of tears.
“I’ve lived like that for half my life.”
“What?”
“Since I first came to Actan… I lived like that, making holes in your body, sucking your blood, tearing your flesh and drinking the flowing blood.”
“……”
What does that have to do with this? I hesitated for a moment, not understanding the meaning of his words, and then Aska, who had been crying sadly, glared at me with his eyes wide open.
“Like a leech, like a parasite.”
“……What?”
“Clinging to you!”
A leech? A parasite? It felt like my heart was dropping as if I was falling from a high place. My hair stood on end and I even stammered.
“Wh, what are you talking about? Who told you… Aska!”
Then Aska jumped up from his seat and ran up the stairs as if running away.
“Aska! Wait!”
No matter how much I shouted, Aska didn’t stop and disappeared somewhere.