2.5 – The Reason We Can’t Be (1)
The weather forecast, which said the metropolitan area would enter the typhoon’s influence after the weekend, turned out to be wrong. The rain, which had been a light drizzle in the morning, was now strongly drumming against the floor-to-ceiling window of the private karaoke room.
Two from the Nox Hotel PR team, two from the advertising agency. A total of four people had visited UB’s office for a meeting and then moved to a venue for a company dinner. The luxury karaoke located on the 32nd floor of a high-rise building in Gangnam was the choice of the UB General Manager.
The 6-person room was relatively small in size. However, the interior was luxurious, and the night view of the Gangnam area visible through the floor-to-ceiling window that occupied one side of the wall formed a decoration in itself.
The sofas were arranged in a U-shape around a long rectangular table. At the innermost seat of honor were the assistant manager and a male employee from Nox; to their right sat the head of section from the agency and a male employee who looked to be in his late twenties; and opposite them sat I and the UB General Manager.
“The facilities are great, but the view is also quite nice, right? I only come here for entertainment like this, and every time I do, I think it’s very well-built.”
The General Manager, who had also accompanied me during the contract for
“We feel the same. For office workers like us, these luxury karaokes are only possible during company dinners or entertainment. If the weather were better, we could see our hotel across the Han River, so it’s a bit a shame that it’s cloudy today.”
The assistant manager from the Nox Hotel PR team stretched her neck and peered out the large window. As an assistant manager in her fourth year of employment, she was essentially the client’s representative for today’s meeting.
“Anyway, we should have treated you… I’m sorry, what should I do?”
“Since you evaluated our actor positively, it’s only natural that we treat you.”
The General Manager, waving his hand to the embarrassed woman, distributed a glass of the mixed drink to everyone.
“Then, please take good care of our Actor Jeong.”
Because I had no talent for leading such gatherings, the General Manager was, as expected, struggling.
“We’re the ones who ask for your favor, General Manager. Even without that, I was strongly recommending Actor Jeong Ji-in to Nox… and then an article broke saying his appearance in
This time, it was the head of section, the higher-ranking person among the two from the advertising agency.
She was around the same age as the Nox Hotel assistant manager and was the person in charge of recommending advertising models that fit the image Nox wanted and mediating the contracts.
After emptying a glass of the smooth drink, I cautiously brought up a topic that had been difficult to ask during the meeting.
“Um… was it thanks to your recommendation that I became a candidate, Head of Section?”
“What’s there to be ‘thanks to me’ for? It’s because you fit the image the client wanted, Actor.”
“I guess there wasn’t… unauthorized copya specific model that Nox Hotel internally hoped for.”
Fiddling with the empty glass, I pretended to be indifferent, as if it meant nothing.
“Hmm… Nox did present some requirements, such as having a certain level of recognition but not being cliché, and having a luxurious yet fresh feel. But they didn’t specify a particular model. Companies that already have a desired model don’t request recommendations from us. In those cases, it becomes a request to connect them with that model, which is much simpler to work with.”
Tucking her straight, shoulder-length bob behind her ear, the head of section smiled brightly at me.
“Ah, since this is a company dinner, it’s okay if I call you Ji-in, right?”
“Yes, of course. I’m much more comfortable with that.”
I responded with a smile and we clinked glasses.
I had wondered over the past few days if his influence had played a part in the offer to be a model for Nox Hotel.
I had drunkenly told him that if I wasn’t cast in
Hearing the agency head’s words, it seemed that his influence had not played a part in my selection as the advertising model.
Since the Nox assistant manager insisted she must be part of this visit our sitestolen contentstyle="position:absolute;left:-9999px;font-size:0;">[stolen content]toast, standing up and reaching out her arm, we toasted again. In these kinds of company dinners or sales meetings, it felt like one toasted over a hundred times in a single night.
“Even while delivering the conditions to the agency, I thought it was too much. They were too picky. Since that’s what the higher-ups wanted, I had no choice but to deliver the results of the meeting… but honestly, I felt very sorry for the Head of Section.”
The Nox assistant manager looked at the agency head with a sorry expression, as if saying ‘now I can tell you.’ Her story continued.
“But once I was recommended Ji-in, I thought he was perfect! The atmosphere at the top is also positive. After I do an additional briefing with the materials you provided today, I think it will likely be confirmed as Ji-in.”
The UB General Manager, who had been listening carefully to the conversation of the two people next to me, intervened at the right timing.
“Actor Jeong just doesn’t have TV commercial experience, but he’s already famous as a master of pictorials and a ‘sold-out’ actor. He’s different from actors who are just handsome. He has the aura and atmosphere that an actor should possess. I don’t know what concept you’ll shoot with, but he will pull off anything wonderfully. I guarantee that part.”
“Of course, that’s why I actively recommended Ji-in. But seeing you in person today, I think you really deserve to be called a prince by your fans.”
Whether it was a courtesy or sincere, even after several years in the entertainment industry, I never quite got used to direct compliments about my appearance. Even now, I couldn’t respond tactfully and only rolled my eyes while touching my glass.
Fortunately, the appetizers were served soon. As expected of a luxury karaoke, the plating of the dishes was quite lavish.
While everyone took photos of the beautifully arranged dishes, tasted them, and offered them to each other, I stepped back slightly from the bustle. Naturally, I had no appetite since that day.
“Ji-in, you’re not eating at all, are you okay? These mini Novels" style="display:none;" aria-label="Read on Read BL Novels">Read on Read BL Novelsburgers are quite good, please try some.”
“Yes, I’ll try some.”
“Ah, are you managing your weight because of the drama? I think you’re wonderful enough as you are. The body requirements for celebrities are truly harsh regardless of gender.”
The Nox assistant manager looked at me with a sympathetic gaze. To avoid causing more worry, I took one of the small burgers, made to be eaten in one bite like finger food, and put it in my mouth.
The atmosphere, which at first felt like an extension of work, gradually became more boisterous. The employees, who had spent most of the time listening to their superiors out of politeness, now enjoyed the alcohol and food in relaxed postures.
“Assistant Manager, you… work with Chairman Lee Woo-yeol’s son, right? Tell us about that! Are chaebols really thugs like they are in dramas?”
An employee who attended as an assistant to the agency head asked the Nox Hotel assistant manager.
At the mention of Chairman Lee Woo-yeol’s son, my body stiffened. I withdrew my hand, which had been about to take some salad, and instead picked up my glass.
“From what I hear from the people in Team 2, it seems they aren’t like that as much as you’d think. But… he is a huge workaholic. Our current CEO is his older sister, and she’s a complete meritocrat, just like Chairman Lee Woo-yeol’s way. There’s no such thing as family. It’s brutal. That’s probably why the requirements for her younger brother are so strict too.”
Recalling his schedule, where he had to work overtime until late on weekdays to properly take time off on holidays, the description of him as a workaholic didn’t seem wrong.
The Nox assistant manager’s story continued.
“He’s called the Team Leader of PR Team 2, but honestly, he’s someone who might become the CEO of Nox in the future. He’s reported on almost all major internal matters… at twenty-seven, he’s practically at the executive level. The project the Team Leader started as soon as he came to Korea was lowering the average age of visitors by 5 years, and this advertisement is also part of that project in a broad sense. We’ve never done TV commercials until now.”
Most of her stories were things I had already scanned several times while searching for news related to him over the past few days.
“Assistant Manager, forget that… isn’t there any really interesting story? He lives in a different world from us. Please give us some juicy behind-the-scenes stories. I heard he’s really tall and handsome? Plus, with all that money, he must play around quite dirtily, right?”
The agency employee blatantly requested stimulating stories that could serve as conversation starters. It became increasingly difficult for me to manage my expression. I tightened my grip on the glass, feeling as if harsh words might suddenly burst out.
“He is really, really handsome. Everyone in that family is good-looking. But the youngest son is exceptionally standout. He’s really tall and has a good build, so he has a bit of a foreign vibe…”
Picking up a baby back rib that had been split along the bone for easy eating, the assistant manager nodded and spoke.
The agency employee’s eyes sparkled with curiosity as they leaned their upper body close to the table.
“Then is that rumor true?”
“What rumor?”
“The one about the youngest son… [[visit our site]class="wm" style="opacity:0;font-size:1px;user-select:all;">unauthorized copy]the rumor that Chairman Lee Woo-yeol isn’t his father.”
He seemed quite interested in this sort of talk. It was a stark contrast to how he had been during the meeting, sitting beside the head of section, frozen stiff and merely observing.
I looked at his face as he sat diagonally across from me, careful not to let any emotion show in my eyes.
“The youngest son is said to be the result of his biological mother sponsoring a celebrity… and there are rumors that the celebrity was a foreigner.”
“No way! There were rumors like that? I’d only heard that Chairman Lee Woo-yeol might not be the biological father.”
The agency’s head of section nudged him, looking surprised. He seemed even more excited by his superior’s reaction.
“Assistant Manager, what are the rumors inside Nox? What’s actually true?”
His interest in the gossip of a chaebol family did not fade easily.
Even though they weren’t on the same team, the assistant manager seemed a bit cautious, perhaps because the conversation concerned her workplace superior.
“Come on, it’s just us. People at Nox probably whisper about this whenever they get together, right?”
At his urging, she finally nodded with a smile. It was a smile that admitted he wasn’t wrong.
“To put it nicely, the Team Leader is the company idol; to put it bluntly, he’s like a piece of entertainment for when people are bored. Since the owner’s family works nearby, everyone makes all sorts of conjectures even if the Team Leader just changes his perfume.”
A piece of entertainment… I felt my face twitch at her crude expression. I quickly brought the glass to my lips to hide my expression.
“To be honest, we don’t know the inner workings of the family. But seeing him in person… he looks incredibly similar to Moon Se-yeon. People on my team think that while they aren’t sure about the father, the mother is definitely Moon Se-yeon. The older sister and brother are decent-looking, but honestly, they aren’t on the level of the youngest son. And since Moon Se-yeon was so beautiful when she was young—and still is—it’s more convincing that she’s the biological mother rather than Kim Ju-seon if you want a face like that.”
“Who is Kim Ju-seon?”
“The woman known to be the biological mother. Chairman Lee Woo-yeol’s ex-wife. The second daughter of Dongshin Group.”
It was the agency’s head of section, the man’s superior, who answered the male employee’s question. He seemed well-versed in gossip but had little interest in the actual genealogy of the business world.
The fact that someone’s pain and wounds are reduced to mere colorful amusement—I knew that was what gossip was. However, I could not allow his life to be consumed as gossip. To me, he was… someone I could touch, someone whose eyes I could look into, someone whose heat I had felt inside me—a man who was still my lover.
“Then what is it? Moon Se-yeon is the mother and the father is a foreign celebrity? And the Chairman of Hanseo Group accepted him as his own child? Wow… if that’s true, his background is a total mess. No, wait, if he accepted a child his sponsored celebrity had with another man, should we see that as Lee Woo-yeol’s true love?”
The agency employee burst out laughing loudly, as if he had made a very witty joke. I couldn’t listen to it anymore. Now, I felt a surge of nausea.
“Isn’t that just groundless talk?”
“……Pardon?”
The employee, who had been laughing excitedly, looked back at me with a puzzled face. He looked as if he didn’t understand why I was suddenly killing the mood when I had seemed uninterested in the conversation until now. I didn’t care.
“Chairman Lee Woo-yeol looked very similar to that youngest son in his youth. Especially in photos from his younger days, anyone could tell they were father and son.”
The tall stature, the Western-style handsome face, the long, sensual lips in a straight line, and the firm impression. The photos of Chairman Lee Woo-yeol’s youth that I had found on the internet were remarkably similar to him. Yet, people were ignoring the truth in favor of a more provocative lie they wanted to believe.
“Was Lee Woo-yeol that handsome in his youth?”
The agency’s head of section showed interest. He picked up his phone, seemingly intending to search for it.
“I happened to see it on the internet, and he looked just like an actor in his youth. The youngest son especially resembles his father’s lips. The exotic shape of the eyes seems to take after Kim Ju-seon.”
“Oh my, you’re right! Assistant Manager, have you seen this photo? They say this was before Lee Woo-yeol married, and even now, he looks better than most actors.”
The agency’s head of section raised his voice as he handed his phone to the Nox assistant manager. The male agency employee leaned in with a curious expression.
“Head of section, let me see too. Was he really that handsome?”
“Search for it. If you type ‘Lee Woo-yeol past photos,’ it comes up right away.”
While the people were busy searching for photos of Chairman Lee Woo-yeol’s youth, I quietly stood up from my seat.
I entered the private restroom attached to the room and locked the door. Once alone, a heavy sigh escaped me. I had intended to just listen, no matter what was said…
The face reflected in the sink mirror looked haggard. It was inevitable, given the lack of sleep and the fact that I hadn’t been eating properly. I slumped down on the bench in the powder room, which was separated from the restroom, and habitually pulled out my phone to look at it.
I hadn’t noticed while I was at the gathering, but a message had arrived from him. It was the first message received since that day.
《You’re having a company dinner at the K&K Building, right? I’ll give you a ride. Let’s see each other for a moment.》
I started to type a reply asking how he knew the location, but my hand stopped. The people I was currently dining with were from the PR team of Nox Hotel.
The soundproofing seemed decent while I was in the room, but in the restroom, I could hear our room, the room next door, and occasionally the noise from the hallway. Everywhere was boisterous with laughter. However, every single one of them was a laugh of a crude and debauched color.
Deleting the few words I had typed, I searched for a cigarette in my jacket pocket.
In a karaoke establishment classified as an entertainment venue, indoor smoking was permitted. I felt a momentary sense of dismay realizing I had no lighter in my pocket, but a lighter prepared next to the stand-type ashtray soon caught my eye. It was a semi-automatic lighter engraved with the establishment’s name.
I inhaled the smoke while looking down at the blinking cursor urging me to enter a reply. It went without saying that my smoking had increased over the past few days.
At my words that I needed time, he had indeed not contacted me for the past few days.
That didn’t mean I thought he had been at peace. Since he didn’t know the specific reason, perhaps he was more frustrated and anxious than I was. Perhaps… in the few days we hadn’t seen each other, his smoking had increased as well.
《I don’t know when it will end.》
After staring at the screen for a long time, the phrase I entered was just that one line. The reply came back quickly.
《I’ll wait in the building’s underground parking lot. I have plenty of time today.》
According to the original plan, he and I would have been in Hongcheon right now. At the words that he had plenty of time, I couldn’t help but think of the trip to Hongcheon that had fallen through once again.
To think that even a place we never visited together could become a kind of memory, a painful place, in this way. A bitter, hollow laugh escaped me.
Holding the cigarette between my fingers, I gripped the phone and typed out the words.
《Do we have to see each other today?》
My thoughts and position were still not organized at all. There was nothing good about meeting him now. Because I felt that if I saw his face, my heart would soften.
Exhaling the smoke I had mostly been holding in my mouth in a thin stream, I leaned my head against the wall behind me.
The very fact that I was guarding against my heart softening already told me the conclusion my subconscious had reached. If my heart softened, I wouldn’t be able to end this relationship. Because it was a relationship with a clear end that had to stop here.
『Surely… you’re not planning to say let’s end it, or something like that… right?』
What kind of expression had he been making on the other side of the phone then?
The phone vibrated weakly in my hand. Without lifting my head from the wall, I moved only my eyes to look down at the screen where the message window remained open.
《You can at least give me a chance to defend myself. I don’t want to just wait like this and then be notified of a conclusion.》
Since we had already been in a formal relationship, his request was justified. I crushed the half-smoked cigarette in the ashtray and typed a reply.
《Please understand if I’m a bit late. I’ll contact you when I leave.》
When I washed my hands and returned to the room, everyone had become significantly closer in just ten minutes. Their once-upright postures had loosened, and the range of their gestures accompanying their speech had grown. The agen[class="wm" style="opacity:0;font-size:1px;user-select:all;">visit our site[visit our site]left:-9999px;">]cy’s head of section and the UB general manager were smoking.
Just like all the other business-oriented dinners I had attended grudgingly, as the alcohol flowed, the atmosphere was shifting from a business extension to something closer to a private drinking party.
“Ji-in, Ji-in! We were just talking about a whisky brand event at our hotel next Friday. It’s a brand imported and distributed by a Hanseo Group affiliate, so it’s being held at our hotel… Could you attend?”
“Of course, Assistant Manager!”
As I tried to sit in an outer seat rather than my original spot, the general manager pulled my arm and pushed me inside, answering first in a raised voice. It was practically pressure not to refuse.
As soon as my backside touched the seat, the Nox assistant manager filled my glass.
“You’re someone who might represent the image of our hotel in the future, so please come and grace us with your presence.”
“Actor Jung, next Friday should be fine. The script reading is on Wednesday.”
The general manager nudged my arm with his elbow, urging me to agree.
Since the model deal hadn’t been decided yet, the general manager and I were in the subordinate position in this setting. Although it looked like a pleasant private drinking party on the surface, for a subordinate with a purpose, it was nothing more than business, acting out excitement. And unless one was a top actor like Yoon Ju-ho, the actor was the subordinate in the relationship between the actor and the agency.
I received the glass with both hands and gave a short bow.
“Yes, I will definitely attend. Thank you for inviting me.”
“Great! I’ll tell the PR agency to put Ji-in on the list.”
“We’re the ones who are grateful, Assistant Manager. I’m really counting on you for this advertisement deal.”
The general manager’s round and friendly face was full of a satisfied smile.
“Me? I only have the power to convey messages well in the middle. If you’re finally selected as the model, it’s all thanks to the image Ji-in has built up.”
A grand toast followed in a harmonious atmosphere where they credited each other.
While about two bottles of liquor and fifteen bottles of beer were emptied, amazing episodes they had experienced directly or indirectly while working in their respective industries were shared. Most were anecdotes related to celebrities.
One day, I too will become a side dish for their conversations at another drinking party. He was like a misplaced bundle of barley, he was a boring person who couldn’t even match the mood. Or, maybe he didn’t want to mingle with us who aren’t celebrities. They might give a twisted evaluation like that.
Just as the pain surrounding his birth and growth was nothing more than a ‘tempting back-story’ to them.
I don’t blame them.
Because to them, a celebrity was not a human being with a concrete personality who forms relationships and lives within their own lives.
The problem was… even if I felt like a fictional character to them, the actual me and he were individual personalities.
I told myself I had to limit my drinking to handle the conversation with him rationally later. Despite that thought, I kept emptying my glass. Because the only thing I could do for the general manager, who was laughing and chatting loudly to match the mood, was to drink without hesitation.
As the excitement grew, the general manager called a waiter at the right timing to summon a DJ to set up the karaoke machine.
After the waiter left, the general manager opened a new bottle of liquor, poured it into the assistant manager’s and head of section’s glasses, and spoke in a somewhat secretive tone.
“Actually, there’s something I’d like to suggest to the Assistant Manager and the Head of Section… I know that this establishment doesn’t just have girls, but also many ‘players’ (male hosts).”
“……”
A suggestive smile appeared on the faces of the assistant manager and head of section as they looked at each other. They had a rough idea of what the general manager’s words meant.
“It’s the best establishment in Gangnam. They don’t bring people from external agencies; they manage the players directly, and I hear the ‘size’ is very good.”
“Size? I wonder what size he’s talking about.”
“Ah, Head of Section. Isn’t that a bit too explicit?”
At the agency head of section’s joke containing a subtle sexual nuance, the Nox male employee clapped and giggled. The atmosphere of the gathering had reached a point where they were that informal with each other.
The UB general manager answered with a mindless laugh.
“I mean the players’ looks are that good.”
“No, well, still… we came here to have fun together… wouldn’t calling male players just make the mood awkward?”
Even as he said that, the Nox assistant manager didn’t seem uninterested. The experienced general manager wouldn’t miss that signal.
“I’ve heard there are cases where ‘avec’ guests—men and women coming together—have players sit with them… but it would be a bit uncomfortable for the Assistant Manager and Head of Section to play like that. How about our male employees move to another spot to have more good drinks, and you two have a fun time here?”
The assistant manager and head of section exchanged smiles and glances.
“General Manager, you know the entertainment industry well.”
“I did some studying this time to make sure you two were properly served.”
Both the Nox assistant manager and the agency head of section were younger than the general manager, but he wasn’t the type to put forward his pride at a business entertainment gathering.
“They say the trend these days isn’t necessarily something dirty, but that players make you laugh, lead the games, and play with you in a fun way. Since tomorrow is the weekend, wouldn’t it be good to relieve some stress?”
“Since the General Manager says he prepared this on purpose… shall we try that then?”
“I also feel bad for keeping Ji-in until late.”
With the two of them accepting the general manager’s suggestion, I was able to leave the company dinner earlier than expected. Even ‘early,’ about two hours had passed.
As we walked out of the room toward the exit, the general manager wiped his face with a handkerchief.
“Since Jae-woo can come after organizing the ‘Layered’ schedule, I’ll leave those men to Jae-woo. They’re still the youngest, so wouldn’t they be satisfied if he takes them to a talk bar or something?”
The general manager glanced back at the two men following behind. The two, both in their late twenties, were quite excited and had already hit it off.
“What about you? Should I catch a taxi for you?”
“No, I’m not very drunk. I can go home alone.”
The general manager nodded with a tired face. He seemed like a different person from the one in the room who had looked happy and pleasant.
True to its title as the largest establishment in Gangnam, rooms were packed on both sides of the maze-like corridor. After turning one more corner, dozens of men were lined up in a row on one side of the hallway. They were the men waiting to enter rooms, show themselves to guests, and be chosen—the so-called ‘players.’
A few of them whispered my name. The general manager wrapped his arm around my back protectively and gave them a menacing look.
The higher-end the establishment, the more the information and privacy of the guests who visited had to be strictly guaranteed. Having likely been warned to pretend not to see what they saw and not to hear what they heard, they soon looked away from us and shut their mouths with faces that said they had made a mistake.
Only after coming out into the hall, which was decorated grandly like a resort lobby, did the general manager breathe a sigh of relief and scold me.
“Even if you’re not feeling it, kid, in a place like that, you should laugh and chat a bit… Ha, fine, forget it. It’s not like I don’t know you’re not the type for that. Just sitting there and matching the mood this much is a huge improvement.”
Should I apologize and say I’m sorry? While I was thinking that, a man who appeared to be one of the establishment’s managers approached with quick steps. With a bowing attitude ingrained in him more than necessary, he asked if I needed a taxi.
When I declined, the man this time brought a waiter. A few more minutes were delayed as I tried to stop him from instructing the waiter to see me off properly until I got into the taxi.
After parting with the general manager in front of the counter, I boarded the elevator as if escaping. When I reached for the board to press the button, I realized I didn’t know exactly where he was. I pressed B1 roughly and sent him a message.
《I’m going down. Where are you?》
《I’m on B3. It won’t be hard to find me once you get off the elevator.》
As I stepped off the elevator and exited the hall, a vehicle flashed its headlights twice accompanied by a short blast of the horn. It was his SUV.
Combined with the humidity from the weather, the underground parking lot was unpleasantly muggy. However, perhaps because I had been exposed to excessive air conditioning for so long, I didn’t feel the humidity or the heat at all.
His car, wet from the rain, sparkled more than usual. Because of the tinting, I couldn’t accurately gauge his expression or mood, but he was leaning forward as if hugging the steering wheel, his gaze fixed on me.
Unconsciously, my pace slowed. But no matter how much I slowed down, it was useless. His car was too close.
As I opened the passenger door, he straightened up and looked toward me. He was wearing glasses—black horn-rimmed ones. It was a trendy style often worn as a fashion item, making him look slightly younger than when he wore thin silver or titanium frames.
He was in a shirt without a jacket, and he didn’t look particularly tidy. His hair, which usually seemed fixed with wax, was now disheveled, strands falling over his forehead.
Even after I sat in the passenger seat and closed the door, neither of us could bring ourselves to speak. We simply stared out at the desolate landscape of the parking lot, where there were no moving objects in sight.
“Did the meeting end well?”
Feeling his gaze on me, I nodded without looking back at him.
“Drinking sessions with clients are exhausting, aren’t they? Many people think other countries don’t have that, but America was the same. They call it a party, but it’s just an extension of work. Human desire is the same everywhere.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t go to Hongcheon.”
“……”
He had been trying to continue the conversation in a tone that sounded normal, but he fell silent and looked at me again. I stubbornly kept my eyes forward. A group of people pouring out of the elevator hall were laughing and chatting noisily in front of the entrance. Heavily intoxicated, they were arguing over which direction their parked cars were.
Following my gaze to watch them, he took a deep breath. Then, with a long exhale, he spoke.
“I heard that you need time, so… not being able to go to Hongcheon… that’s… nothing to be sorry about.”
His voice was dry, as if he had given up on pretending to be composed. He continued with a sigh.
“You’re going home, right? I’ll head that way for now. When we arrive… we’ll talk then.”
The rain wasn’t heavy yet. However, perhaps because the typhoon was moving further north, the rain was blowing erratically due to the strengthening wind. The droplets would fall straight down one moment, then suddenly lash out as if trying to break the car, battering the windows from the left and right. It was the kind of rain where an umbrella was useless.
Since it was Saturday and the weather was like this, it took quite a while to get out of Gangnam.
Naturally, the atmosphere was nothing but awkward. Yet, neither of us spoke. Rather, we willingly accepted the silence, as if relieved to postpone the moment we had to face the problem for even a little longer.
Time flowed painfully slowly amidst the music he had playing at a low volume and the sound of rain drumming against the car body in an unpredictable rhythm.
Perhaps because it was his third time visiting, he didn’t hesitate for a moment, navigating the road leading to the lodging slowly without the help of a GPS.
In a residential area late at night during such rain, there were very few passing vehicles. He turned past a closed franchise coffee shop and stopped the car at the beginning of an uphill slope.
Once all the interior and exterior lights were turned off, the only light around was the faint scrap of illumination falling from the streetlamps further up the slope. Even then, another SUV was parked right in front of us, making me feel like a detective lying in wait for a suspect in the dark.
He unbuckled his seatbelt and picked up one of the two water bottles in the cup holder. Twisting the cap open, he offered the other one to me.
Unlike him, who took several large gulps—loud enough for the sound to be heard—I didn’t drink, merely spinning the bottle in my hand. Then, closing the cap, he spoke.
“I tried to wait until the weekend like you asked… but I felt like I was going to die if I did. A person has to survive first, after all.”
“……”
“But you… you look like you’re about to die just by looking at me.”
His voice was mixed with a hollow, bitter smile.
“Still, I came because I thought you might waver a bit if you saw my face… but it seems you really don’t want to see me right now.”
That wasn’t it. He was mistaken.
I was terrified that I would waver if I looked at him, and in fact, even at this moment, I was repeatedly rebuilding my crumbling resolve over and over again.
“Your face looks a bit worn down.”
At his cautious and soft voice, I finally turned to look at him slowly. His face, as he spoke, was also very different from the last time I had seen it.
A gaze filled with pity brushed over every part of my face as cautiously as his voice.
“Even after saying that, you were suffering a little too, weren’t you? Can I take it that way?”
It was a look that seemed afraid that his gaze might leave a scar on my face, careful not to press down on me too strongly, even with his eyes.
He was completely different from his Hyung, who had exploited me without hesitation.
“……”
I bit my lower lip hard and hurriedly looked away.
Things were happening exactly as I had feared. It felt impossible not to recall the incident with his Hyung while facing him. I was barely able to hide the expression that threatened to distort with the disgust and unpleasantness of the memories associated with the words ‘Nox Hotel’—I was only just at that level.
At my defensive attitude of avoiding his gaze, he let out a sigh as if heartbroken.
“You told me not to contact you… and I was scared to reach out. No matter how much I used my imagination… I couldn’t understand why you were doing this, and because I didn’t know the reason, I didn’t know how to prepare. I was at a loss… until eventually, I became more afraid of losing you without trying anything than I was of hearing a cold voice. That’s why I asked to see you.”
He looked as if even speaking was a struggle. As if every time he spoke, a thorn-studded string was tightening around his throat and digging into his skin.
“What is the problem? Please tell me.”
Despite having emptied a third of the water bottle a moment ago, there was no moisture to be felt in his voice.
“Do you hate that I’m that kid from back then, or… do you hate that I’m a person from the Hanseo Group?”
“It’s not that I hate it…”
“It’s inconvenient?”
“……”
“I’m always inconvenient for you, aren’t I?”
He was gradually losing his composure. While asking me to tell him, the act of cutting me off the moment I opened my mouth proved his intense anxiety.
He gripped the top of the steering wheel and buried his forehead in his hand. His broad shoulders and thick torso heaved as he took deep breaths, struggling to control his escalating emotions.
He may have looked calm on the outside, but he wasn’t on the inside.
How much was he restraining himself? To avoid pressuring me, to avoid spiraling out of control, to avoid dealing with this problem emotionally.
I wanted to touch his back.
I wanted to pull his shoulders and tell him to show me his face.
I was just a bit confused because you unexpectedly turned out to be from a chaebol family. I wanted to say that, then end this scene style="position:absolute;left:-9999px;font-size:0;">[Read on Read BL Novels]by touching his face and kissing him.
But no matter how desperate his pain was now, compared to the pain he would feel after learning what happened between his Hyung and me… this moment’s pain would be nothing.
If I ended it as a minor fender-bender, I could prevent a collision with an 8-ton truck speeding at 130 km/h.
While still slumped over the steering wheel, he caught his breath and spoke slowly.
“After hanging up the phone with you like that… do you know how I felt? Even now, I don’t know how I’m maintaining my sanity while dealing with you. I’m so afraid things will go wrong, that the word ‘end’ will come out of your mouth… I feel like I’m truly… going crazy.”
Relying on the dim light, I looked at his profile. With his forehead buried in the wheel, his eyes were open. Whatever thought he was gripped by, the long shadows of his eyelashes were trembling faintly behind the lenses of his glasses.
Any further delay would only drive him further into madness. Gripping the neck of the water bottle tightly, I squeezed out my voice.
“I think… our respective positions aren’t very favorable.”
Still in that slumped position, he turned his head to look at me.
“What positions?”
And he pressed further.
“What positions?”
“You surely know what people whisper about when a chaebol and an actor date, Yi-han.”
Extending the arm holding the steering wheel, he raised his upper body. His brow furrowed and his lips twisted as if he had heard an absurd, forced argument.
“Are you saying we can’t be together because you’re afraid of what people whisper behind our backs?”
The reason we couldn’t be together.
The pain you would feel if you found out what happened between your Hyung and me. And the pain I would feel watching you from beside me. Cowardly as I am, I don’t have the confidence to endure that.
But since I couldn’t tell him the truth, I had prepared an excuse. The public perception of a relationship between a chaebol and an actor. As expected, he didn’t accept it easily. However, it wasn’t a completely fabricated excuse.
The experience of having unwanted sexual relations on the condition that my Adoptive Father be given the position of head chef had left a kind of aftereffect in me. Not only had I rejected direct and indirect sponsorship offers, but I also felt aversion and discomfort even at the ‘simple social networking’ meetings mentioned by the CEO of UB. Having made one wrong choice, I had avoided such situations to an excessive degree, like someone trying to make up for it in the rest of their life.
Once I had broken the ice, the confusion in my head felt somewhat organized. What I should say, and what I should hide. In truth, I already knew without needing to think. It was just… that I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had to push him away.
My gaze and voice as I faced him sank calmly.
“Aren’t you afraid of the things people whisper behind your back, Yi-han?”
“……”
“Because it’s not to your face, because it’s whispered behind your back… did it not hurt?”
“……”
Just because it was whispered behind one’s back didn’t mean it wouldn’t reach their ears.
Not only the people around me, but an unspecified multitude of strangers consuming my past, my secrets, my pain, and my life as entertainment—arbitrarily belittling, inflating, and writing several third-rate novels about it… how could I possibly ignore that?
After staring at me in silence for a long while, he let out a sigh and avoided my eyes.
“I’m going to smoke.”
He completely turned off the music that had been flowing at a barely audible volume. Until then, I hadn’t even realized the music was still playing.
Lowering the window slightly, he took out cigarettes and a style="font-size:0;color:transparent;display:inline;">stolen contentstyle="position:absolute;left:-9999px;font-size:0;">[Read on Read BL Novels]lighter from the center console. With a heavy click, the smell of oil momentarily filled the interior. It was a fuel-based lighter, a type that was hard to find these days.
He remained silent until the cigarette was about half-burned.
It was the first time I had seen him inhale the smoke so deeply. Like me, he wasn’t a heavy smoker, but rather someone who smoked one or two when he felt like it.
The erratic rain lashed against the passenger window and then receded. As he flicked the ash for the seventh or eighth time, he finally spoke.
“I have no memories of my biological mother.”
The story began from an unexpected point.
“My parents divorced when I was two, but they had been separated since the moment I was born.”
“……”
“Even in chaebol families, it varies by family tradition, but my parents’ marriage… from the frequency of intimacy to how many children had to be ‘produced,’ the items constituting grounds for divorce, and the specific amounts of alimony for each item… it was all a ‘contract’ agreed upon in writing. Upon the divorce, we three siblings were forbidden from having private meetings with our mother.”
His voice was flat, as if summarizing the life of a character in a movie.
In the gaps where he paused his story, only the anxiety evident in the way he sharply inhaled the smoke and [stolen content][unauthorized copy]flicked the ash spoke for his emotions.
“Anyway, that’s why… the stepmother people talk about, actress Moon Se-yeon, is my emotional mother.”
His stories, which had been painted over and inflated by the raw curiosity of the media and the public, were revealing the truth before me in his own calm voice.
Forgetting that I even had water in my hand, I swallowed dryly to moisten my throat.
“My father is the Chairman of Hanseo Group and my mother is a former actress. A remarried second wife, at that. Not just the rumors about me… I couldn’t possibly not know what people whisper about the relationship between my mother and father, especially about my mother.”
With the hand holding the cigarette resting on the steering wheel, he brushed his hair back a few times. Looking at his profile as he lowered his head and gnawed on his lower lip, my hand and lips twitched. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to wrap him in words of comfort.
But at the same time, my heart felt heavy, as if I had participated in their conversations at the dinner party earlier and enjoyed chewing on his misfortune like gum.
Instead of touching his shoulder, I only twisted the water bottle with both hands, as if wringing out wet laundry.
“So… I’m not unaware of what you’re talking about or what you’re worried about. Rather, I know… all too well.”
Since I could imagine the filthiness of the speculations and scandals surrounding him just from the descriptions in online encyclopedias, I hadn’t even searched for matters related to his family history while looking up articles about him over the past few days.
Who was whose sponsor, who was whose father or not, who was having an affair with whom… stories that were nothing more than malicious rumors with nothing visit our siteconfirmed as fact. [unauthorized copy]Yet, stories that people were more interested in than the truth.
All those rumors were linked to his three parents, and thus, simultaneously linked to his birth.
Amidst the erratic sound of the rain, I traced back through my flickering memories.
Those few days of that summer spent with the twenty-year-old him.
After having drinks with the theater troupe in Naples, we had stayed one night in a shabby hotel.
He had been desperate not to be told by anyone in his family that he lacked the qualification. The twenty-year-old him had cautiously revealed the weight he was carrying.
And the beginning of my feelings for him, which had been a vague liking, taking on a special color was definitely that night.
There were similarities in the emotions we felt toward our families. That was why we could empathize with each other even without disclosing specific stories. Now that I knew the specific details, I could understand him even better.
My throat was completely dry, so I had to clear it a couple of times. My voice sounded awkward, like someone trying to speak after a very long time.
“I’m glad… that you can understand.”
“But, Hyung.”
His firm voice followed immediately.
His face toward me no longer conveyed a pitiful plea. Eyes filled with strong conviction and demand glistened in the darkness.
“My mother never tried to let go of my father because of that. My father was the same. It wasn’t that my father unilaterally sacrificed my mother to keep her by his side; it was the result of a choice the two of them made to be together. Even knowing everything the world would whisper…”
Whether Chairman Lee Woo-yeol and Moon Se-yeon had truly started their relationship through an affair, or if that was the reason for the divorce of his biological father and mother—I couldn’t know that. As far as I knew, the marriage of Chairman Lee Woo-yeol and Moon Se-yeon happened around the time he was four.
But I could be certain of this.
Even if he told the public exactly what he had just told me, they would have no interest, nor would they believe it.
That the Chairman of a chaebol group divorced his first wife after a messy lawsuit to spend his final years with an actress he had secretly sponsored for a long time… that was the provocative truth they wanted, and they would only accept the truth they desired.
“Am I… not a partner worth enduring those kinds of backstories for, Hyung?”
I couldn’t answer. I opened the bottle of water I had been clutching and took a few sips. Then, I reached for a cigarette. The lighter I had taken from the karaoke bar was still in my pocket.
I focused solely on the cigarette for two or three puffs. I couldn’t even taste it, but style="position:relative;display:inline;">[unauthorized copy]wm: unauthorized copy -->I repeated the action mechanically before bringing up the words I had prepared.
“Between two men… unless the media is truly determined and does something insane, the chances of the public finding out are slim. But as you know, Yi-han, it’s only a matter of time before rumors spread within the industry. Everyone who needs to know will find out.”
“……”
“Getting a role… filming a commercial… everything being credited to a sponsor… I’ve already seen far too much of that to be sick of it. I don’t have the confidence to endure that.”
Just as I reached toward the ashtray in front of the cup holder to flick the ash, his right hand gripped my left shoulder. It was the first time he had touched me since I got into the car.
“It doesn’t matter what people think, as long as it’s not true. We both know it’s not true—isn’t that enough?”
“……”
His face, now close to mine, was throwing his raw sincerity at me. My heart ached. I felt like a cold-blooded killer trying to shake off a small, fragile, defenseless animal that relied on me for its very survival.
Ignoring that feeling, I brushed his arm away and flicked the ash.
“It’s because I’m afraid that, eventually, even I will start to doubt if there really is no connection.”
“What… do you mean by that?”
“The offer for the Nox commercial—you said it had nothing to do with you, right?”
“……”
“The role of ‘Yi-soo’ in eternal night… your influence didn’t play a part in that either, did it?”
When I mentioned the Nox commercial, his expression had remained unchanged as he waited for me to finish. But the moment I mentioned eternal night, his face contorted with displeasure.
He took off his glasses. He folded the temples and tossed them onto the center console. Rubbing the bridge of his nose with a tired face, he spoke in a dry voice.
“Since you’re an actor… perhaps your imagination is a bit too dramatic. The broadcasting station isn’t owned by the Hanseo Group, so it’s not that easy to manipulate internal affairs.”
“But if someone were determined to do it, it wouldn’t be impossible.”
“……”
He didn’t deny it.
Taking one last drag of [stolen content]stolen contentcontent]stolen content -->the shortened cigarette, I crushed the butt into the ashtray and spoke rapidly.
“The station might not be owned by the Hanseo Group, but there are at least three subsidiaries currently running ads in the Wednesday-Thursday drama that’s airing.”
He let out a deep sigh, as if trying to expel every last bit of air from his lungs.
“Setting aside the Nox commercial… aren’t you talking to the wrong person regarding eternal night? Or… are you just using this as an excuse to cut me off?”
When I looked back, he was staring intently at me.
I fiddled with the cigarette pack, acting perfectly expressionless to ensure he didn’t see my lingering attachment.
“I’m not trying to argue whether you used your power or not. If you say you didn’t, I have no intention of doubting you. However…”
“……”
“I don’t have the confidence for the future. Everyone who knows will eventually know about our relationship, and what if people who don’t want to offend you start giving me preferential treatment on their own?”
“……”
“No matter what results I achieve, I might not be able to completely erase your [Read on Read BL Novels]Read on Read BL Novels -->shadow from them and will continue to harbor doubts. While I’m questioning whether this career was truly built on my own strength, a distance will slowly grow from within. I don’t want to… become pathetic like that.”
As people do when they let out a hollow laugh out of sheer absurdity, he rubbed his jaw and laughed coldly, as if clicking his tongue. His gaze scattered erratically.
“The fact that I am Lee Han-cheoeum. The fact that my father is Chairman Lee Woo-yeol. The things that happen because people walk on eggshells around me even when I do nothing… now even that is my responsibility.”
As he looked down at some point on the center console, a strand of hair fell over his forehead. He brushed it back irritably and looked up.
“Are you sure you just hate being misunderstood and talked about? Is there not some other reason?”
His voice sounded as if he were suppressing a desire to be even more sarcastic. His eyes were flashing.
Could he already know the whole story? For a moment, the hair on the back of my neck stood up, but that was impossible. It was more likely a bait thrown to see my reaction and check if there was another reason.
Fortunately, I was a man more accustomed to restraining and hiding my emotions than revealing them honestly.
“I’m attracted to you, and I cherish our memories. I won’t deny that. It’s just… I’m someone who feels an exceptional amount of pressure in a relationship like this. Changing me isn’t easy. I’ve thought about it a lot… but if I can’t change even when I want to… what am I supposed to do?”
I spoke so as not to sound too absurd, acknowledging a part of my feelings for him.
As if I also regretted the twisted nature of our relationship, but that the pressure was simply [unauthorized copy]wm: unauthorized copy -->greater, making this an inevitable decision.
That way, it would sound more… plausible, and I could persuade him. Because I couldn’t tell him the truth.
I placed the cigarette pack, which I had been scratching at the corner of with my thumb, next to the lighter on the dashboard and looked for the water bottle. I needed more alcohol. Even though I’d drunk quite a bit at the karaoke bar, the alcohol hadn’t numbed my emotions in the slightest.
Gulping down the water as if it were liquor, I closed the cap and delivered my final words.
“It will be hard… but please accept my decision. I just… don’t think I can change as a person.”
I looked at him once more.
Unlike before, his face was now calmly settled. In that expressionless face, where laughter, playfulness, desperation, and regret had all been erased, I felt a glimpse of the characteristic chill of Lee Seo-gyeong.
But it was probably just my imagination.
I had never thought such a thing before I found out he was Lee Seo-gyeong’s younger brother.
Judging that he had accepted my decision, now as rigid as a rock without a hint of agitation, I placed the water bottle in the cup holder. I suppressed my voice as much as possible so it wouldn’t tremble.
“It was… nice seeing you again, if only for a moment. Goodbye.”
I hurried out of the car. The rain, falling in diagonal streaks, swept over my face and body. Thanks to him stopping the car at the beginning of the slope, it was a short trip to the lodging. Getting a bit wet was no big deal.
The day he first dropped me off at the lodging.
Just as I was about to turn into the alley where I had run into Hyung-soo and him, I heard the sound of a car door opening and closing forcefully behind me. Even as I heard footsteps approaching, splashing through the water, I couldn’t look back. With my arms tightly crossed, I turned the corner and quickened my pace. The footsteps soon closed in right behind me.
First, the rain stopped over my head. Then, my shoulder was gripped firmly. I expected to be spun around in the next moment, but instead of turning me, he stepped in front of me.
He held a large long-handle umbrella, almost like a parasol, in his hand.
“Are you serious? You’re ending it like this?”
The face that had been like a rock a moment ago was now revealing the emotions hidden beneath that hard surface.
“Let’s talk a little more. Not like this…”
He shook his head, scanning my face, which had become drenched while chasing me. Then, he carefully grabbed my arm. I dropped my gaze, finding it overwhelming to face him as he stepped half a pace closer.
“Shall we talk inside the house? I look too composed… I don’t think Hyung knows what state [visit our site]I’m in right unauthorized copynow. If you knew how I actually feel inside, you couldn’t do something this cruel.”
I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me or to himself. He continued to mumble, shaking his head.
He had a reckless side, but had he said he endured it because he didn’t want me to dislike him?
In the car just now, he probably struggled to handle things as rationally as possible. Not to protect his pride in the moment of parting, but to ensure he didn’t unintentionally hurt me. To think of what shock and pain my past would bring to such a person…
I avoided his eyes, and as he stepped half a pace closer, he bent his waist, trying to meet my gaze.
“You cried… because you were sorry you couldn’t send the email. It was already seven years ago, and we only spent a few days together seven years ago. There’s no way you’d react like that to a simple crush. Just as much as I waited for that email… you actually wanted to send it too. How could someone like that… say let’s end it like this? Right? You just said it impulsively, didn’t you?”
The hand that had been gripping my arm moved up to my shoulder. The large hand soon wrapped around my neck. His hand was wet. His thumb stroked the lower part of my cheek.
“You let me into your house back then. Please do that for me this time too.”
It was a whisper filled with a desperate plea.
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