By Zephyria 
Even after the landlord left, the uneasy feeling wouldn’t settle.
The more he thought about it, the more suspicious it seemed. Does it really make sense for someone to look after a complete stranger from a foreign country to this extent?
But his contemplation didn’t last long. His mind and body were still too worn out to analyze and doubt another person’s intentions. It would be more accurate to say he didn’t even have the willpower for it.
Just then, a message arrived from Kwon Young-je. The ordinary text, asking if everything was okay, arrived like clockwork at the same time every day. The content was always copy-paste level too.
“…….”
Honestly, Kwon Young-je is suspicious. Because he can’t think of anyone else who would care about his well-being. It’s highly likely that if it were Kwon Young-je, he would have asked the neighbors to keep an eye on him and look out for him.
“Is location sharing not enough…?”
Before coming to Boston, we installed a location-sharing app on each other’s phones. The app, which allowed us to see each other’s real-time location, was a precaution to ease anxiety during our time apart.
Of course, Hui-won had never once looked at it. Suggesting we install the app first was merely a means to persuade Kwon Young-je. It doesn’t seem very useful though.
If it’s like this, what’s the point of living apart? He wish Kwon Young-je, at least, wouldn’t see his depressed, bare face.
“…….”
Hui-won fiddled with the phone in his hand. For a moment, he thought about talking to him, but soon dismissed the idea. If Kwon Young-je was genuinely involved, that would also be a problem. In his current state, he didn’t think good words would come out, so he just sent a reply saying he was fine and flipped the phone over again.
Today was the day for his psychological counseling session. Since arriving in Boston, he had a session with a counselor once a week. It was a condition Kwon Young-je had set when sending Hui-won to Boston, so the counseling was mandatory.
The counseling office was a remodeled house. The forest visible beyond the large picture window soothed the client’s mind just by looking at it. Hui-won settled into the cozy sofa. The counselor facing him was a pleasant-looking middle-aged woman. She was also an Omega, making her well-suited for Hui-won.
[How have you been feeling lately? Has waking up during sleep improved any?]
[…It’s about the same.]
[Last time, I mentioned that exercise might help. Have you tried it?]
Hui-won just shook his head. In his current state of lacking motivation for everything, even taking care of his own body was difficult. As a result, the exercise the counselor suggested had been pushed to the back burner.
The counselor simply smiled quietly at that. Placing her clasped hands on her knees, she subtly began.
[That’s okay. It’s best to do things whenever you feel like it.]
[It’s just… my life feels so pathetic.]
[Everyone needs a time to rest. Hui-won, you’re here to do just that.]
Her gentle way of speaking often disarmed people. She never criticized whatever Hui-won said and sometimes empathized as if she could see right through his emotions. Her questions usually prompted long answers, but melting into the comfortable atmosphere and conversing, he would unknowingly pour out all his inner thoughts.
[I wish this lethargy would just disappear.]
[There’s no need to be too impatient. The fact that you’re having such thoughts itself is a good sign.]
The counselor took a sip of her warm tea. Her smile deepened more than usual. When she made that expression, she usually brought up the topic of the child.
[Let’s continue the conversation we had last time. You said you were mentally very distressed when you were pregnant? If Yeoro hadn’t come along, do you think the present Hui-won would have been happy?]
[…….]
Hui-won clutched the cushion in his lap. Unable to open his mouth easily, his lips twitched for a while.
[At first… I wanted to get rid of the baby. It was a change I couldn’t handle.]
[I see.]
[That’s definitely how it was… but from some point on, I didn’t want to lose it. Because it was a being created by me and the person I loved, I wanted to raise it preciously. Talking to Yeoro, who grew differently day by day with Moo-nim… Going through that process, we were already like a family.]
[…….]
[Every single moment was happy. The happiest in my entire life…. So I don’t want to make it a memory that never existed.]
Even if he went back to the beginning, Hui-won would make the same choice. That time when he carried the child remained such a precious experience.
[Losing a child brings an indescribable sense of loss to parents. Everyone is like that. But you don’t need to blame yourself. It was an accident.]
[If I had been more careful… maybe I could have prevented it.]
Hui-won pressed the tips of his fingers firmly against his stinging eyes. Soon after, the breath he had been holding back burst out like a lump.
He repeats that day hundreds of times. Thinking that if he hadn’t provoked Kwon Young-ho, the outcome might have been different.
He should have been more cautious. He should have been careful for Yeoro’s sake. All of it felt like his fault. Even though he knew nothing would change by regretting it, he couldn’t stop blaming himself.
The counselor picked up her chart for a moment. The contents she wrote fluidly probably contained difficult psychiatric terminology.
[Do you want to have a child again?]
[…I don’t know.]
[Are you afraid? That the same thing might repeat?]
Struck by the pointed question, Hui-won answered with silence. The sound of the pen tip scratching across paper was heard. An uncomfortable stillness flowed for a moment inside the counseling room imbued with warm light.
The counselor soon spoke, holding a soft smile.
[Is your current spouse someone you can trust?]
[…….]
[He is the person closest to you, Hui-won. Do you think living apart from him is more beneficial for you?]
[…….]
Another question he couldn’t easily answer flew at him. Hui-won let out a long sigh and rubbed his sagging cheeks. His gaze turned toward the dense forest beyond the picture window. Kwon Young-je….
[He is my most dependable presence.]
[…….]
[But I don’t want to show him my struggling side. If I break down in front of Moo-nim… it might be okay for the moment, but later I feel even more self-loathing.]
[Is there a need to be perfect? A married couple is originally a relationship that embraces each other’s flaws too. Hui-won, it’s okay for you to rely on your partner a bit more. It’s the time to do so.]
[That’s… harder than I thought.]
Hui-won rested his chin on his hand and laughed weakly. Not wanting to reveal his weak inner self to Kwon Young-je might be due to his own long-standing habit. Could he really fix it?
It probably won’t be easy.
\*
At that moment, in Korea, time was flowing opposite to Boston.
After work, Kwon Young-je entered the empty house and turned on all the lights. Whether the house was dark or bright, it was equally desolate. No matter how neatly organized, without a person’s warmth, it was no different from an abandoned house at a glance.
He went straight to the study and continued his work. Time had already approached midnight, but Kwon Young-je showed no signs of sleeping. He had only taken off his jacket and tie, and his appearance wasn’t much different from when he was at the company.
While reviewing documents, his attention occasionally drifted to his phone. Today was the day Hui-won had his psychological counseling. The text they exchanged a few hours ago showed nothing particularly unusual, but on days with counseling sessions, he tended to be more down than usual, which was always worrying.
“…….”
From some point on, he left the documents aside, and his mind was filled only with thoughts of Hui-won. They used to have no secrets between them, but now he had no way of knowing what he was thinking, how he was living, or if his condition was improving.
What was even more frustrating was that he couldn’t ask first. Kwon Young-je wrapped his head in his hands and let out a painful sigh. A headache surged, so he closed his eyes tightly and simmered for a while.
It hadn’t been just a day or two since the lack of contact started, but today the frustration felt unbearable. Kwon Young-je finally picked up his phone. Only after confirming that Hui-won had returned home could he finally set his mind at ease.
The information he could ascertain through the app was just this much. Where Hui-won was, if he had returned home safely.
He tried not to look as much as possible, but where was that easy? Three or four times a day, he had to open the app and check Hui-won’s location directly to feel at ease. The viewing history so far showed that only he had looked. But he had never once felt it was humiliating.
Kwon Young-je quietly gazed at the red dot that appeared on his phone.
Since returning home, Hui-won had been holed up in the living room the whole time. It wasn’t hard to imagine his absent-minded face. The effect of the counseling was still minimal. Rather, on days he had counseling, Hui-won’s condition tended to sink even lower.
He himself was also receiving counseling, so he understood Hui-won’s feelings better than anyone. When you dig up suppressed wounds, the remnants of those wounds swirl in your head all day, making your heart ache.
But that’s why you receive counseling. Because ignoring it won’t make the wounds heal on their own.
“Cheer up.”
He threw the words toward the red dot, but no answer would come back.
As time passed, it was rather Kwon Young-je’s insides that were burning up. He put down his phone and sank deeply into the chair back.
“…….”
The inside of the study was also dead silent. Kwon Young-je also looked up at the dim ceiling, lost in thoughts similar to Hui-won’s.
Thoughts about how daunting this reality with no answers was, thoughts about when we might return to our original form.
In this state, how could work get done? Before he knew it, he had let go of everything and was only concerned about Hui-won’s condition. It seemed like he would have to stay up all night like this today.
As two hours passed like that, Kwon Young-je’s anxiety gradually reached its peak. Sitting still felt like torture.
The memory of Hui-won having a panic attack surfaced, making it even more unbearable. The problem was that he was too far away to even help.
A sense of helplessness gradually tightened around his neck.
“…….”
After agonizing, he finally picked up the phone.