#49

Amber thought that Tennessee should actually be angry. He should demand why no one was called and why no help was given. He should interrogate him, asking if he was gladly enjoying his misfortune.

Biting his lip, Amber closed his eyes. He could feel Tennessee’s breath gradually subsiding. It would have been right to get up immediately. He should have called someone, but…

His forehead touched the damp forehead of the other. Sorrows scattered. He held him and steadied his breath as if praying. He was committing a sin. He was always committing a sin in front of Tennessee. At that thought, Amber gave a small, self-deprecating laugh.

Taking Tennessee’s limp hand, Amber guided it to wrap around his own neck. He wanted to warm the cold, pale hand even just a little. Amber slowly opened his eyes.

Tennessee, whom he thought had fallen asleep because his breathing had settled, had his eyes open hazily. They were eyes devoid of his usual decisiveness.

“Go to sleep. It’s late,” Amber said.

But instead of closing his eyes, Tennessee pulled his hand away from Amber’s grip. Amber smiled bitterly. He was lucky that Tennessee had allowed such contact in the first place. Wasn’t he someone who usually couldn’t even be approached? I should get up now. Just as Amber was about to put strength into his arms to move…

Tennessee’s gaze slowly rose. The gaze that had been at Amber’s chest now reached his chin, his nose, and finally, Amber’s blue eyes. His exhale steadied.

Without realizing it, Amber moistened his lips. Tennessee was too close. The awareness that he should move back flashed through his mind, but that was all. Tennessee moved a step closer. With a faint thought that perhaps it was the other way around, Amber blinked rapidly.

Lips. I wish I could touch them just once. It was when Amber wished for this in secret.

Amber vaguely felt as if the back of his head had exploded. As if someone had placed a gun to his forehead and finally pulled the trigger.

Tennessee’s lips were surprisingly warm. It was different from the kiss before. Warm, wet lips pressed firmly against his. Unlike the lips that were usually tightly shut, lips carrying a hot body temperature collided.

Tennessee’s lips were softly relaxed. The interlocking lips parted like a turning key. Trembling slightly, Amber greedily moistened his throat. He didn’t care if he looked subservient or miserable. Life-giving water was flowing into his parched mouth; what did pride matter?

He bit the upper and lower lips alternately, stroking them with his tongue as if soothing them. As the tongue paved the way, Tennessee’s lips opened indiscriminately. He snatched the hot breath from inside the mouth. A heated moan escaped naturally. Putting a leash on his own urge to move violently, Amber urgently pulled Tennessee closer. So that he wouldn’t be startled, Amber put all his strength into his trembling hands, though he was losing his mind.

You are nothing to him.

A small whisper flowed into the ear of the panting Amber.

No matter how hard you try, he won’t even be hurt. The reason he doesn’t cast you aside isn’t because he likes you. It’s because even rejecting you is a bother.

While frantically groping him, Amber shook off the foolish thoughts. The one mixing tongues with him was Tennessee. Ah. How could he not love him?

“…Amber.”

Gasping for breath that had risen to the tip of his chin, Amber pulled his lips away. Even as he detached, he sucked on the lower lip until the end. He was aware that his movements were aggressive, but he simply couldn’t stop.

“Yes. I’m here.”

Repeating it as if possessed, Amber moved his lips. He bit and pulled the lower lip gently, then took the upper lip into his mouth, and with a coquettish air, pushed his tongue back between the parted lips. A pain flared at the pit of his stomach.

“I’m here…”

The tongue that had been following his movements, however minutely, until a moment ago was now still. As if knocking on a door, Amber gently parted the lips again. He desperately tried to induce a reaction from Tennessee, but there was none.

When he pulled his head back with a trembling breath, what Amber discovered was Tennessee, eyes closed, sleeping soundly. Amber let out a heavy breath.

He shouldn’t have done this.

Even if Tennessee had approached first, hadn’t he been in a state where he wasn’t rational? It would have been right to push him away.

But he pulled out a small excuse that it was an irresistible force. Listening to his own voice arguing, Amber hugged Tennessee tightly, filling his arms. Putting strength into his arms, he stroked the back of Tennessee’s head and rubbed his forehead against him again.

It was a trembling moment. His heart, which still hadn’t settled, pushed blood down to his toes like a drum. Even amidst that pleasant exhilaration, Amber reminded himself.

This is the last time. I shouldn’t do this.

He had added more secrets.

Later, later I’ll confess and ask for forgiveness. If Tennessee does this again next time, I’ll back away even if I have to hit myself.

But in the end, Amber couldn’t do it. It was an obvious fact.

“Ugh…”

It was the second kiss. His lower half, which he hadn’t been able to react to at first because he was just fluttered, was already hard. His front was already wet. Putting strength into his waist, which wanted to move indulgently, Amber moved his tongue softly. Biting the thick lower lip that flinched, he savored his breath with all his might.

“Ah… Tennessee.”

Unlike usual, a vacant, hazy gaze responded. As he calmed down from the seizure, Tennessee gradually began to respond to Amber. He answered calls and occasionally nodded to soothing words. Though there were more times he didn’t respond, Amber did not yield.

‘No, you’re not hurt.’

Amber had whispered again to Tennessee, who was groaning while clutching his shoulder. Tennessee always made Amber’s heart boil. Even while groaning through his teeth and clutching his shoulder, Tennessee never once said it hurt. He simply endured. The corners of Amber’s eyes distorted.

‘Look at this.’

Amber slid his hand inside Tennessee’s loose hospital gown and stroked his bare shoulder. He softly brushed the skin covering the hard bone and muscle and showed his palm, which had nothing on it.

‘It’s okay. You’re not hurt.’

There was no response from Tennessee. He wanted to untie the tightly bound arms and delve into his tender flesh. Seeing the nails stained blue and rotting from the embedded poison reminded him of a desert scorpion. Of desolate ruins, the biting sandstorm, and beings who were born unable to become scorpions.

It was dizzying. He only remembered that there was no end beyond the horizon after rolling down a sand dune.

Tennessee, who had been steadying his breath with his face buried in his palm, lifted his head at some point. Soon, the two kissed. Exhaling a sharp breath, Amber pulled him into an embrace.

It would be a lie to say he hadn’t looked forward to this moment even a little.

Even while thinking he should push him away, Amber couldn’t resist much. He groaned helplessly. Tennessee was hot, soft, and at the same time, absolute. Amber felt himself being dyed like this. He felt as if he would spread out brilliantly, become one with Tennessee, and be born as a new color.

“Ah… haa…”

Tennessee’s hot hand stroked his shoulder blades and then naturally descended along the ridge of the spine to the buttocks. It was a clear movement, but not rough. However, Amber, whose buttocks were gripped by Tennessee’s large hand, let out a low moan. Every nerve ending was burning. He floundered, caught in a whirlpool.

The sweatpants were a truly pitiful shield. By just slightly changing the direction of his palm, Tennessee easily slid his hand inside the waistband. A warning bell rang in one corner of his head, but Amber, unable to regain his senses, pushed his tongue in. Tennessee was not in his right mind. He was aware that Tennessee might not even know who he was touching right now, but that awareness soon evaporated.

With their tongues entwined to the root, hot breaths burst out. The pants had already slid below the iliac crest. Tennessee’s hand wandered over the buttocks and thighs. His fingers slid down into the humid, tight space of the inner thigh.

“Ah.”

Amber opened his eyes when Tennessee’s fingertips touched a scar. He grabbed the wrist where the hard bone could be felt, but Tennessee pushed his hand in further, as if protesting.

He was happy about the contact, but the predicament that he mustn’t be caught right now was greater.

“Tennessee, you can’t.”

Without his usual clarity, Tennessee repeatedly closed and opened his eyes languidly.

“Tennessee.”

History tends to repeat itself. Their history was the same. Amber, who had been anxiously biting his lip, could not overcome the passion and pressed his lips against him. A rising heartbeat, hurried gestures. When Amber climbed on top of Tennessee and their legs became entangled, a small curse reached Amber’s ear.

“…Damn it.”

That was the first thing Tennessee said after seeing Amber’s trembling hand.

“…Tennessee.”

At the clearly shining light in his eyes, Amber slowly raised his body.

“You…”

As if his head hurt, Tennessee repeatedly wiped his forehead with the arm that had been resting on the pillow.

“What did I do to you…”

Then, realizing his hand was between Amber’s thighs, Tennessee let out a curse and tried to pull his hand away.

“Wait, you, this.”

At that moment, something situated on Amber’s skin brushed against Tennessee’s fingertips. Tennessee narrowed his brow at the foreign sensation. Raising his upper body, Tennessee re-examined something drawn on the lower thigh, on the skin. A sensation caught at the fingertips, something carved like the strings of an instrument several times.

“D-don’t do that.”

“You, Amber, what is this?”

“…It’s nothing.”

A struggle for power began. Amber put strength into his hands and pushed Tennessee away. Their arms collided and tangled, and the positions were reversed in an instant. The water bottle on the nightstand spilled, and short breaths filled his ears. A silent battle of wills and force continued tensely.

“…It’s nothing.”

“Did you self-harm?”

“…No.”

No? From Tennessee’s frowning gesture, all traces of mercy vanished.