By Zephyria 
I took an Uber to Gyeoul’s house.
The familiar port scenery flowed past the darkened window. The pitch-black sea wore a gloomy face. The waves swirled gently. Moonlight floated above it.
Gyeoul didn’t say a word on the way back. He just stared at the city full of lights with a face that seemed lost in thought. It was different from where I was looking. Dazzling and flashy.
Was he perhaps wanting to take back his offer? If you’re regretting it…
If that was the case, we could still stop now. I couldn’t shake the feeling that our relationship was still like a collapsed sandcastle. The only thing holding it together was Gyeoul’s firm hand, and if that was removed, it would completely collapse.
I didn’t have the nerve to approach you shamelessly, and Gyeoul had no reason to keep holding onto a broken relationship. The one who wanted the relationship should be the one to make the effort, but I… was still just wandering aimlessly.
Even so, I hoped you would look at me.
“What are you thinking about?”
I asked, feigning lightness, unable to do anything. I wish I could take the initiative and do what you wanted.
Selfishly, I wanted to leech off the kindness you had briefly shown me for a long time. Hiding the budding love and covering up the mistakes, just like this for the rest of my life.
“I don’t have any extra blankets at home. I didn’t expect to bring you here so suddenly.”
“…Huh?”
“No matter how much I think about it, there’s nowhere to buy one right now. What should we do? Do you have any good ideas?”
Gyeoul said with a very serious face.
He spoke as if he had been planning this for a long time. I had been scared and trying to run away. The sudden relief washed over my entire body. I had been afraid that you would take back the hand you had offered, but I hadn’t even properly recognized that feeling.
My stiff lips softened slightly.
I was thrilled that your worries were so trivial. I realized that love could deepen even with things like this.
His eyes, seriously contemplating, and his voice were so lovely that my heart pounded wildly. The closer I got to you, the clearer the things I had lost became. I probably wouldn’t be able to get them back even if I devoted my entire life.
If I had the chance in the future, I could do anything you wanted. I hoped so. It was a desperate wish.
Even if I couldn’t become anything to you. As long as I could be by your side.
“I can sleep well even with just my clothes as a blanket. Like I said before, the bathroom is really fine.”
Your gaze lingered near my lips. I didn’t know what to do with your stare, as if something was on my face. I rubbed the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand. Ah, I was smiling without realizing it.
Gyeoul turned his head and smiled softly. A huge ripple spread through my heart.
“It’s not free, I’m going to charge you rent. $1,500.”
“Okay. Where should I send it?”
“You… be careful of your back.”
Gyeoul’s lips twitched as if he had a lot to say, but he pressed them shut. Sigh. The sound of him sighing tickled my eardrum. My fingertips tingled, and I rubbed them on my pants. Again. You were worried about me.
The sound of fabric rubbing against each other echoed softly in the silent space. It must have reached him, but he pretended not to notice and clenched his fist.
Speaking my true feelings was always overwhelming. I had realized after so many years that if I didn’t say it, you wouldn’t know, so I had to spit it out even if it was embarrassing.
“Everything is okay with you.”
Just then, the driver said in a kind tone that he had arrived and stopped the car. Before he could answer, I quickly got out of the car and took the carrier out of the trunk. Gyeoul was standing next to me, arms crossed, watching with dissatisfaction.
“But what if there are Bedbugs in there, Yi-tae?”
“I’ll throw it away.”
It was something I was also worried about. Bedbugs were nasty creatures that were hard to see and wouldn’t stop until they had burned down the whole house. Maybe even the clothes I was wearing now were dangerous.
Anyway, I didn’t have any important luggage. I didn’t have time to pack such things, so everything could be thrown away. There were some valuable clothes that I had brought just in case, but they were nothing compared to the danger.
“You’ve changed drastically since I last saw you.”
“It’s because there’s nothing important.”
“Then what’s important? If your clothes and your body aren’t important.”
“……”
“Am I important?”
Gyeoul’s attitude was as carefree as someone out for a walk. It was as light as asking how I was doing. But his eyes held a sharp light. Every question he asked hit the nail on the head.
He took the carrier from my hand and walked ahead. He went straight past the garbage dump and into the entrance. I didn’t know what I had said to make him angry, so I became discouraged. Of course, my very existence might be the reason.
Once I had recognized the Bedbugs, I didn’t want his hands to touch my luggage. I didn’t want to go against Gyeoul’s wishes if I could help it, but this time, I put my hand over Gyeoul’s and took the carrier from him.
His eyes widened in surprise as he stared at me. He looked completely taken aback.
“Yeah, you’re important.”
It was a belated answer. You’ve always been the most important to me. A faint self-mockery crumbled.
So I couldn’t let you touch such unholy things. That went for me too. Maybe I was more terrible than Bedbugs to Gyeoul. I felt like bugs were crawling all over my body.
My arm was itchy. My neck, my face too. There wasn’t a single place that wasn’t itchy. I wanted to scratch so hard with my fingernails that I drew blood.
Wouldn’t only the clean me remain after scraping away my entire body like that?
I got on the elevator a little faster than Gyeoul. I squeezed myself into a corner to avoid sticking to you and gasped for breath. It was only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. It was the most uncomfortable moment of the day.
It wasn’t this hard even when I confessed my sins to you.
“You have to be back by dinner tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
The door opened. The back wheels bumped and got caught in the recessed groove before coming loose. The carrier was left in the hallway, sprayed with all sorts of Pesticide, unable to enter his house. Only I could set foot in your house.
“Wait right there.”
Gyeoul left me standing by the shoe rack and went into the room. I waited obediently as he told me to. My hand went to my arm, but I barely managed to resist scratching. It would be nice to go to the hospital and get some medicine, but I didn’t have time.
Even tomorrow, I would have to leave early in the morning to barely make it back by the time Gyeoul had asked for.
Not long after, Gyeoul came out of the room. He was holding clothes in his hand. The difference between Gyeoul’s body and mine was greater than it seemed, so I couldn’t even borrow clothes when we lived together. It was a very generous fit.
“Wash up, put this on, and come out. You have to sleep with me tonight.”
Gyeoul said as if he was notifying me of a decided matter. Our fingers brushed as I took the clothes. It was hot as if I had been burned. I felt like I had gotten something dirty on you, and my body shrank back.
He grabbed my wrist and kindly pushed me into the bathroom. The door slammed shut right in front of my face. I just blinked and washed my body with things that smelled similar to Gyeoul. I put in about three times more effort than usual to prepare for any possible pests.
Warm water ran down my face. It didn’t feel real. I felt like if I opened my eyes, I would be back in that hellish apartment where you weren’t, kneeling and waiting for you to come back, but you wouldn’t.
I felt like I would be back to being Kwon Yi-tae, who was just killing time without reflecting or regretting, not even knowing what I had done wrong.
I was scared. I was happy. I was joyful, then despairing.
I came out wearing clothes that must have belonged to someone else. A hazy steam invaded Gyeoul’s space.
“Nice and clean. You pass.”
He seemed to be heading to the washing machine with the clothes in my hand. I saw the most personal space that I hadn’t been able to see this morning.
The bed. The small lamp. Gyeoul’s scent. The scent that also came from my body was filling this place. My body slowly heated up. I hid my reddened feet behind me. It was a part that was hidden by my socks and couldn’t be seen.
Sleeping together.
Whether it was misfortune or despair, the negative feelings flew away completely with the sudden realization. My heart was pounding so hard that it felt like it would burst. I pinched my thigh tightly in response to the physical reaction. Gyeoul was coming towards me.
He was wearing very comfortable clothes.
The familiar appearance was too stimulating. In the end, I gave up looking at him and turned my gaze elsewhere. I looked around as if I was sightseeing, but I was already half out of my mind. My vision was shaking.
“I’ll show you around our house.”
Before I knew it, you were naturally changing from ‘my house’ to ‘our house’. Gyeoul himself didn’t seem to be aware of the change.
Suddenly, I remembered the moment when you and I started living together. I was even more nervous than then. Rather, in those days, we had already been dating for some time and had become used to each other.