By Zephyria 
I knew that with this question I had just asked, I had leaped far over the line I had drawn myself.
I had drawn it hoping you wouldn’t cross it, but the fact that I was the one invading your territory was truly absurd. Nevertheless, I felt like I had to confirm it to avoid stagnation and move forward, even if your answer stimulated and angered me.
Yi-tae’s lips, his face pale blue, trembled.
Just by looking at his face, he seemed innocent. His eyes were so full of fear that even I was startled.
But I had witnessed something with my own eyes. Even if everything before was just my speculation, the moment of parting was something I experienced firsthand.
Things I had casually brushed off back then now weighed heavily, surging and engulfing me.
I hoped you wouldn’t utter the word “love” and make abstract excuses. Anyone could do that, like a criminal brazenly lying before a judge.
“I’ve never had such an inappropriate relationship.”
Even his voice trembled. His eyes were resolute, as if swearing before God. I waited for an explanation to follow. Choi Gyeoul, who readily believed him when he said no, had disappeared the moment his trust was shattered.
He would never return.
I tried to find evidence from you by any means possible, hoping for a complete conclusion, whether your words were true or false. Perhaps I even wanted you to answer that you had cheated, because that would be easier to believe.
“I’ll listen. Try your best to explain.”
Do you know how big of an opportunity I’m giving you?
I adjusted my posture to sit comfortably. In a debate, nothing should be uncomfortable except the topic itself. Our conflict would easily be buried in the noise, so I didn’t pay attention to the surroundings.
Yi-tae was still kneeling, but I deliberately didn’t tell him to sit comfortably. You had to be as uncomfortable as possible.
“Back then…”
My throat tickled, so I swallowed.
It was just a trivial story from the past, but my heart turned cold. My hands were sweaty, as if I was nervous.
I waited for you to tell the truth.
∗ ∗ ∗
It was hard to breathe.
Gyeoul was like transparent ice, reflecting my endlessly shameful self as it was, making me want to look away. If I turned around and ran away, how far could I escape?
Even so, I would eventually miss you and come back, drawn by gravity.
My mistakes were that big and heavy. They couldn’t be covered up with words like “I never gave my heart.” I would rather show you my daily life back then. I had never been so distressed by my lack of eloquence.
Could I bring up the flaws of a dead person just to defend myself? You would obviously dislike that too. But even at this moment, Gyeoul must be misunderstanding. My eyes were wet, my throat was choked, and my tongue was stiff and wouldn’t move.
I had to say something, because you wanted me to. I opened my mouth.
“I didn’t want you to find out that I was being treated that way at work. I knew you wouldn’t, but I was afraid you would look down on me. …So I made up an excuse about a Hubae. It wasn’t a date, but I was actually going to work. Early in the morning, late at night, anytime.”
Just thinking about it made me feel like I was back in those days. My chest felt tight.
Sometimes, I would say I was going to pick up that kid and go to pick up the Head of department early in the morning. I did as I was told, hoping that would be enough. I didn’t even realize that nothing would improve that way.
I hid everything I could from you.
The department with a Head of department who didn’t work and a Hubae who was clumsy couldn’t function properly without me being exploited. There was also a sense of resignation that reporting the injustice that everyone knew wouldn’t change reality.
The determination not to let you find out about this tragedy gripped me terribly.
I was afraid of the expression on your face as you looked at me now, so I bowed my head and hunched over. I had the illusion that everyone was looking at me with accusatory eyes.
I didn’t think I could cover it up with these words. I did something that deserved to be criticized. I tried to keep myself from crying. There was nothing uglier than a wrongdoer crying.
“It’s too late, but if I had known back then, I would have told you to quit. I could have supported you enough.”
“That’s, that’s what I didn’t want. I thought I had to take responsibility for you, even though I wasn’t good enough to do so. I created an imaginary you and was crushed by the burden, saying things I shouldn’t have said.”
I blamed you for making me that way. Gyeoul never asked or wanted any of that from me.
Gyeoul listened to me calmly. I clenched my fists tightly, trying to come to my senses. The pain digging into my skin was still helpful. Cherry blossom petals fluttered in the wind and fell on my head. It was so beautiful that it felt like snow.
A small petal gently landed on the back of my hand.
“So, did someone else catch your eye? Because I was a burden…”
“No!”
I denied it urgently.
The worthless words that I had never loved anyone but you lingered in my mouth.
Gyeoul smiled faintly and took the petal on his hand. I could tell you were angry. Gyeoul became calmer the more angry he got.
Did Young-geol catch my eye? Not at all. He was just a nuisance to me until the end. I could count on one hand the number of times I had seen him alone. In the first place, I didn’t even have time to spare for him because I was helping with work.
“There was another colleague I became close with besides that Hubae. We often drank together, and we still contact each other sometimes. It’s just that kind of relationship, like Tony. That kid was even less than that. Really. …It’s hard to believe even if I say this.”
It was a story that even I couldn’t believe. But as far as I knew, that was the truth.
I thought there was a clear difference between feeling superior to Young-geol and giving him my heart. No, rather, I felt more relieved that I was better than him. I couldn’t call that love. I had never felt happy with him for a single moment.
But even so, if you said that was right, I didn’t want to deny it. If that’s what you wanted…
“Then what was that phone call I heard?”
Gyeoul playfully put a petal on my head. Judging by his attitude, it would seem like we were talking about something very light. It was easier that way. Gyeoul’s consideration was always like this.
My heart throbbed, so I closed my eyes. This space, the person, even the weather felt overwhelming.
“He was being treated for delusional disorder. He was being prosecuted for stalking.”
I was using the information Lee Hyun-sung gave me in this way. I hated myself for pretending to know when I didn’t know anything. My lungs felt like they were going to burst. My body trembled endlessly.
Suddenly, warmth covered my hand.
“Ah. This isn’t fun, Yi-tae. Let’s talk about it over a drink later. To celebrate becoming roommates. Let’s look at the cherry blossoms now.”
Gyeoul took his hand back, but the lukewarm temperature still remained on my hand. The churning stomach quickly subsided. I exhaled deeply. Gyeoul lay down on the mat, leaving me behind, and looked at the sky. Your hair spilled onto my knees.
Even in this situation, my heart was beating, madly, as if it would burst soon.
“…Sorry.”
I was the one who made the mistake, but why are you putting up with someone like me?
At the same time as self-loathing, joy welled up. Gyeoul, who had completely leaned his head on my leg, took the branch stuck in my hair.
He gathered his hands holding the flower neatly on his stomach. He closed his eyes and breathed slowly, as if he was taking a nap.
I habitually reached out to stroke his hair, but pulled my hand back. Blood was hardened on my palm.
“Doesn’t your leg hurt?”
The flower rain gradually increased. Gyeoul always smiled brightly whenever he saw flowers. So I came to like the flowers that made you so happy. I wouldn’t have even paid attention to them if you weren’t there.
After hearing you, my leg gradually became numb. I felt like I was losing sensation, but I didn’t want to move my leg. Because I wouldn’t be able to see Gyeoul’s comfortable expression leaning on me again after today.
This was a miracle given by the cherry blossoms.
“It’s okay. I like it.”
“You enjoy the pain. I’m deliberately tormenting you.”
He said lazily with a mixed tone of laughter.
“…I still like it.”
I said in a small whisper. The truth came out. I had to hide it. You would hate it.
Gyeoul slowly lifted his eyelids. His transparent light brown eyes sparkled in the sunlight and stared at me.
Suddenly, my noisy heart started to move as if meshing with gears.
“You like it?”
Gyeoul repeated my last words.