By Zephyria Yi-tae, his mouth slightly open as if his tongue was still burning, couldn’t take his eyes off me. He was as still as a stone statue, without the slightest movement.
A lively sound, like a spring breeze, came from afar. The panting of a puppy, the innocent laughter of a child, the affectionate conversation of an elderly couple.
I ended up laughing at Yi-tae, who was hesitantly reaching out his hand.
I was happy.
Pink spread next to his black hair. He insisted on putting the flower in himself. He was so embarrassed that he couldn’t even lift his head and didn’t know what to do.
I spoke to him in a slightly affectionate voice.
“Yi-tae.”
“……Uh.”
“Can I take a picture?”
There was no answer.
Assuming he would allow it, I took out my phone. But, contrary to expectations, his head shook from side to side. It was a clear refusal. I couldn’t back down like this. No, I wanted to not just take a picture, but to capture the perfect one.
If he just lifted his head towards me like this, it would come out so beautifully.
Even as I got older, I still found this fun. I’d probably be doing this when I’m 50, 100 years old. Teasing people over trivial things, watching their reactions, and enjoying it. Of course, whether someone as interesting as Yi-tae will be by my side then is uncertain.
‘It would be nice if you changed your mind.’
Before the request turned into coercion. I never intended to give up from the start. The question just now was merely a formality. He had a lifelong weakness to me, and I planned to exploit it until I got sick of it.
While I was wondering how to say it, Yi-tae, conscious of the silence, gently lifted his face. His lips, tightly closed in embarrassment, looked so adorable. Gripping his clothes tightly, he was enduring it with all his might. Cutely.
“If, if you want, just one……”
See? He was going to allow it after all. Yi-tae couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence and mumbled the end. It was obvious how much he didn’t want to take it. Not knowing that the sight only provoked the other person more.
“Don’t worry, I’ll keep it to myself. Uh-huh, that’s a good pose.”
I spoke kindly, as if soothing a child, and stepped back. It would look even better if the cherry blossoms behind him were visible. I wanted to take a picture of him looking ridiculous too, but he said only one.
I wanted to take the prettiest picture possible and keep it. Actually, that might be even funnier.
Yi-tae didn’t lower his head as I asked. However, he seemed to find it difficult to look straight ahead, so he stared at the distant sky. His eyes felt empty. He probably didn’t know that he looked even more poignant like that.
‘Wow, when you’re handsome, you can get away with anything.’
I kept exclaiming and pressed the button. I’ll just delete all the pictures except for the best one. After all, what I want to keep is the image of Yi-tae with the flower in his hair, so even if it’s a shame, it’s not so bad.
“Look. Which one do you think is the best?”
I sat next to Yi-tae, who was making a face close to tears, and swiped through the photos. He took an ambiguous attitude, barely looking at them. He just repeated ‘Yeah. It’s okay’ with soulless eyes.
It was a photo that showed the desire to capture the subject well because the subject was good. I chose the photos more diligently than the owner. Looking at his masterpiece-like face, I suddenly had a question.
Does this kid know he’s good-looking? That’s why he acted like an asshole, relying only on his face.
If the heart had a shape, it would definitely be triangular for Yi-tae. Usually, it would flow smoothly, touching the surface, but like this, it would bump into a sharp corner. Hoping to stab you there and hurt you.
Actually, even though I knew that Yi-tae didn’t act up relying on his face, the hurt feeling didn’t go away. If that wasn’t the case, wouldn’t it be even worse?
“Hey, did you act mean because you knew you were handsome?”
I asked casually, as if throwing a very light question. I deliberately omitted any definitive assumptions. Like you cheated on me or something. Just thinking about it made my heart feel cold and painful. It was an uncontrollable post-traumatic stress disorder.
Yi-tae, startled, blinked rapidly and turned his head sharply. Thanks to that, the flower branch drooped down. I held back my laughter. The combination of his surprised expression and the flower suited him unbelievably well. So beautiful.
“No!”
He denied it as urgently as the second most urgent I’d ever seen him. But he didn’t add anything else. I hadn’t been curious at all until now, so why do I want to hear an excuse now?
I neatly put the falling flower back in place. Yi-tae was very tearful. They say that a crying beauty is so beautiful.
“What’s not?”
All I had was time. Yi-tae in the photo seemed to be staring directly at me. Since when has he been looking at me with those eyes? I stared at it for a while and deleted the other photos. The desolate faces looking at the sky disappeared one by one.
Yi-tae was still silent. I was the one who asked first. I just gave him a chance to make excuses because I was feeling emotional. Because the flowers were pretty. Because people looked happy. Because the kimbap was delicious. Because Yi-tae did something commendable.
I took a step closer, using various reasons as excuses. Actually, there was something I just wanted to know, but I didn’t want to put that as the biggest reason. It was because of my pride.
“If you’re not going to say anything……”
“I was jealous of you.”
Yi-tae hurriedly interrupted me as I was about to end the conversation appropriately. My mouth dropped open at the unexpected answer. Why would you be jealous of me?
Objectively, Yi-tae was better than me in terms of external aspects such as height, body, and face. He also works at a company that’s as good as any other, and even his family is harmonious.
I was so flustered that I couldn’t speak. I stared blankly at Yi-tae, who was kneeling down before I knew it.
“……”
“I felt inferior to you.”
“In what way?”
The sight of him wearing a flower, shedding tears, and saying he was jealous was etched in my mind. I couldn’t understand it at all. It was obvious that people would stare, but I couldn’t stop questioning him.
Yi-tae’s voice gradually trembled.
“You’re good, but I’m not. From some point on, I felt like you would go far, whether it was professionally or in everyday life, if only I wasn’t there. Leaving me behind.”
“……Keep talking for now.”
“It wasn’t that I wanted you to get hurt. It wasn’t that I was trying to fill my self-esteem by taking care of someone I thought was worse than me. Actually, I didn’t need any of that……”
Yi-tae was rambling about things that only he knew. It wasn’t information that I could understand even if I listened more.
Whether it was because he was crying or because he was fixated on a certain point, he spoke in a way that he wouldn’t normally have. I couldn’t figure out anything with all the mixed information. The more emotional Yi-tae became, the clearer my mind became.
“Stop it.”
“S-sorry.”
“So, you were jealous of me because you thought I was better than you?”
“Yeah……”
Yi-tae nodded.
“Why did you feel that way? You should be happy if your lover is good. Someone who earns money well, is handsome, and pretty is by your side.”
“I was…… bullied at work.”
Yi-tae hesitated as if he was talking about something he didn’t want to bring up. I was instantly angry at your words. It was something I didn’t know at all. I was your family.
I gritted my teeth and slowly separated the syllables as I asked.
“Since when, and by who?”
“It’s been a long time. It’s been like that ever since I joined the HR team. I kept falling, but as I watched you soar, I started to feel miserable. It’s not like you dragged me to the bottom……”
I think I wanted to bring you to where I was. Like a crazy bastard. I guess I wanted you to have a hard time by my side too. I wished I could be your misfortune.
The last words were so quiet that they couldn’t be heard.
Tear stains spread on your knees. I felt like my insides were turning over. But it didn’t make sense either. It just made me feel complicated because I felt like you had been worrying about it countless times. What were you thinking to come to that conclusion?
It was literally an excuse. There were more people who didn’t do that. There were things that shouldn’t be done even if their situation was the worst. Especially in relationships. No matter how avoidant they were, they shouldn’t have acted so heartlessly.
However, the most infuriating thing was that I didn’t know about the situation at all. My heart ached at the truth I faced on this day when flower petals were falling, at the most intimate moment.
‘So, whenever you’re having a hard time, are you going to abandon love first?’
Was I asking just to hear this kind of answer?
I wanted to cover it up again. I would have been more comfortable thinking it was a slump. Because there was no reason for that. I could blame it on hormones and criticize the bad attitude.
But then there was a reason? How am I supposed to accept that? I was the one who asked first, but I couldn’t handle it, so I endured wanting to keep turning away.
“So, is it true that you cheated on me back then?”