By Zephyria 
It doesn’t seem like he’s a complete bastard right now.
Even though the weather is slowly getting warmer, Yi-tae only wore long sleeves. I thought he used to be sensitive to heat and often wore short sleeves even in early seasons. He must have gotten weaker.
I rested my cheek on my hand as if propping up my chin and quietly observed him. Just then, Mr. Tony, who was sitting next to him, seemed to be talking to Yi-tae. He seemed to be speaking relatively loudly, but I couldn’t hear him well.
“At the dorm… meal… dinner…”
These were the only words I could make out. Although it wasn’t accurate, I could only guess that the gist of it was to have dinner together at the dorm tonight.
I never heard him talk about his coworkers when we were dating, so were they getting along this well? I was always curious about how he was doing. I wanted to know more because I couldn’t see him working at the company.
But he never answered, no matter how much I asked.
‘Well, he must have been having an affair with such a cute Darling, since he was getting along so well.’
With the conclusion that he was still a bastard, I averted my gaze. There was no basis for it, but that’s roughly how I felt even now.
My stomach suddenly felt stuffy, as if I had indigestion from what I ate in the morning. All I had was a few sips of coffee. I could still hear the conversation from afar, but I couldn’t figure out what Yi-tae was saying.
How on earth did he recognize my voice?
I purely admired Yi-tae’s excellent hearing and opened the chat. I probably had the most conversations with him out of all the people on this list.
First of all, there were a lot of materials to pass on, and he often asked me for my opinion. I felt it with Sirius too, but he was incredibly good at his job. How much must his previous company be regretting it? They missed out on such talent.
Today, I diligently checked the chats he sent from the morning. I was very pleased with his diligence.
Sirius
[(Link)]
[I’ve modified it as requested. Test it and tell me what needs to be fixed. The stuttering will get better once it’s optimized.]
It was very clean. There was nothing unnecessary. It was as if he had thrown any superfluous words into the doghouse. How can he only talk about work like this? Isn’t it a rule for office workers to make nonsense in the chat whenever they don’t want to work?
Still, when he was Sirius, not Kwon Yi-tae, I think we had quite a few personal conversations.
[You’re no fun.]
I couldn’t hide my sulky feelings. Why is it okay for Sirius, but not for Kwon Yi-tae? Of course, Sirius gave up halfway, but he knew it was me even before that.
I feel uncomfortable because I feel like I’m being treated like a stranger. He’s showing me with his whole body that he wants to be friends with me again, but in the chat room, he’s so blunt that it feels like a cold wind is blowing. I just couldn’t get used to that gap.
‘Is it enough to just speak nicely?’
Yi-tae was still having a serious conversation with Tony. The fact that they were sticking close together and looking at Tony’s monitor meant that it was highly likely to be a work-related conversation. Really?
[I haven’t tried it yet, but I don’t think I’ll like the 1mm gap on the left. It might look better if you report what you’re planning to eat today.]
I sent a chat filled with all sorts of spite and got up from my seat. If I didn’t do this, it felt like we would part ways without exchanging a single personal word until the end of work.
Sirius
[Sorry. I’ll try to be a fun person.]
[I bought a bagel sandwich for lunch.]
I was curious about dinner.
Yi-tae didn’t get angry at my unreasonable grumbling and even apologized again. Does he think he’s an apple tree or something? He just keeps giving out apologies generously.
My unpleasant mood improved a bit. It was no different from complaining to a familiar person when I was having a hard time. When I came to my senses, I felt embarrassed and clicked on the link. It would be more helpful to the work to reply quickly.
At that moment, a notification popped up in the right corner that a chat had arrived.
Sirius
[You?]
The five-minute gap between the chats was funny. Yi-tae had a talent for being funny, and I didn’t know it until now. He’s funny enough without trying.
Did he worry and send it because he didn’t get a reply from me? It was really cuteness that didn’t suit his age.
In the end, I secretly twitched the corners of my lips and sent a reply.
[You cute thing.]
[I’m going to eat sushi.]
[What are you eating for dinner?]
I also subtly satisfied my greed. I had to find out what I was curious about to feel satisfied. Moreover, it was an opportunity that rolled in on a vine, so there was no reason not to seize it.
It felt like I had turned off the faucet just before the water overflowed from the cup. While Yi-tae was still pondering, I started to catch up on the backlog of work. This time, it took quite a long time. It didn’t seem like it was a question that needed to be pondered so seriously.
I watched him from across the monitor, but nothing had changed. His expression and gestures were the same as usual.
I made myself a milk tea and drank it all, but there was still no reply. Now I felt like I had become a clingy guy. I could be busy with work, so why did I mistakenly think he would prioritize me?
Just as I was about to get up from my seat to hand over the files, a reply came back. It took almost 30 minutes.
Sirius
[Probably steak? I don’t know yet because I haven’t decided. It’s definitely easier to eat sushi alone.]
The reply was so concise that the time I had been looking forward to felt meaningless. Moreover, it didn’t contain any of the information I had been waiting for.
I took the materials and headed to Yi-tae with a determined look. There were many things to talk about regarding this anyway, and I couldn’t stand it because the reply was too slow.
I quietly muffled my footsteps and approached him from behind. He wasn’t doing his job and was just staring intently at the chat window. It’s not like a reply would come just because he did that. No, if that’s the case, he should have replied quickly first.
The corners of my lips turned up at the thought of teasing him. How focused was he that he didn’t even know someone was behind him? Rather, Tony noticed me first and was about to call Yi-tae.
I urgently put my index finger to my lips. Tony seemed a little flustered for a moment, then nodded.
Yi-tae hesitated with his fingers on the keyboard, repeatedly pressing and deleting. Alone… deleting. Team… deleting again. Could it be that he was doing this earlier and that’s why he replied so late?
I subtly bent down and put my face next to his, staring at the monitor.
‘How can he not notice this?’
What should I do to make Yi-tae jump, roll, and flip over in surprise? Blowing air into his ear would be too perverted, and he would probably be surprised just by saying something.
I bit my lips tightly to hold back my laughter. I decided to wait a little longer and move when I had something to tease him with.
[Or eat togeth]
He finally started typing. It had already been five minutes since I came here, so I could tell how focused he was on the monitor.
I moved my eyes to his outstretched fingers. His middle finger was already on the backspace key. It seemed like now was the chance.
I whispered in his ear as if murmuring. I couldn’t hide my laughter.
“Why, are you going to eat with me?”
His shoulders jumped up as if he had seen a ghost. He was so surprised that the keyboard he pressed haphazardly filled the screen with typos. Was it really that surprising? The twitching corners of my lips eventually soared upward.
His head turned in fits and starts. Because I kept my face close, the movement felt even more vivid. It was visible to the naked eye that he was faltering like a broken doll.
“Ah.”
Wasn’t his reaction almost three beats late? I felt like my belly button was about to fall out because I wanted to laugh. I was barely holding it in by tensing my abs.
He gradually turned bright red from his neck, like a boiling kettle.
“Are you that worried? Anyone would think you like me.”
Yi-tae squeezed his eyes shut and opened them. His pupils were shaking so much that I felt like I was getting motion sickness.
Even though it was a joke, he couldn’t answer and just moved his lips. Huh? Somehow, this face felt very familiar, so I leaned in closer. Something was about to come to mind…
“You’re, too… close.”
“Just stay still for a moment. It’s not like you’ll wear out just by looking.”
If I looked a little more, I felt like I would know what this familiarity was.
Yi-tae hesitated and wiggled his hand as if hesitating, then pushed me away. I didn’t expect resistance, so I was easily pushed away. He was completely red, bowed his head deeply, and covered his face with his hands. His ears and nape came into view.
A handsome man blushing and embarrassed.
Just the sentence listing the facts made my heart feel warm. It was very stimulating.
“…My face feels like it’s about to explode, so stop looking. Please.”
At that moment, a trivial question that struck my head made my warm heart turn cold.
Could it be that he likes me?
101 – 101
101
It was truly the worst assumption.
I backed away from Yi-tae, who had ripened like a maturing fruit. The embarrassment I felt now couldn’t be expressed with any modifier.
Why are you reacting like this just because I got a little close? It’s as if you have feelings for me.
“You…”
I couldn’t just ask him outright. If he still liked me. Since when. A wide swamp lay before my feet. I had no confidence to step into it.
Suddenly, the red plum blossoms on a snowy day came to mind.
When did I realize Yi-tae’s love, which had already bloomed long before…? I’ve often been told I’m quick-witted, so why didn’t I notice his love for so many years?
Kwon Yi-tae slightly raised his head. It was even redder because he had been looking down.
“Uh, yeah.”
The so-called handsome nerd must refer to someone like him. So, the reason my mood is in the dumps is because he’s handsome.
The thoughts swirling in my head were actually neatly organized. He had always been awkward from the moment I first saw him, so it was natural not to notice anything strange.
Even until it became impossible to erase one thing from our daily lives as we became accustomed to each other.
Everything erupted after that one thing disappeared. Kwon Yi-tae confessed his love to me the day before he went to the army and then ran away to a place I couldn’t reach, and from that day on, he completely occupied my mind.
It was a disaster. Since I couldn’t avoid it, I had no choice but to endure it. During the two years Yi-tae was gone, I slowly realized every time he came out on leave and showed his face.
That I already liked you too.
“Here’s the data, refer to it.”
I coldly spat out the words and put the documents on the desk. I didn’t even have time to package my composure.
The past and present were intertwined, and my stomach churned. No, I felt so uncomfortable that my body twisted. You love me? The thought of your love pouring over me made me unbearably disgusted.
Fortunately, it seemed Yi-tae didn’t notice my change because it was about work. He also seemed out of it since his face turned red.
I should come back after I’ve sorted out my thoughts. The curiosity I wanted to resolve had already hidden behind the biggest agenda and didn’t even show its face. If I worried alone, I would definitely keep thinking about Yi-tae, and it was too dangerous to just ask and confirm.
Whether my guess is right or wrong.
“Are you not feeling well?”
Yi-tae’s eyes, which had been watching me, suddenly widened. Worry sprang up on his face in real time. He abruptly grabbed my wrist and scanned my face carefully. I could feel his gaze accurately.
“…No. You saw that I’m fine enough to joke around.”
“You look pale. Did you take headache medicine?”
Unwanted, kind concern returned.
I twisted my wrist to pull away from his grip. He was holding on so tightly that it didn’t budge. He probably didn’t even realize he was holding my hand. Because he couldn’t do this if he knew.
Goosebumps rose on my scalp. I felt a strong sensation of dark shadows wrapping around my wrist and bugs crawling on it. I had to shake off this hand right away. I barely suppressed the urge.
How did he know about the headache that came with the discomfort? My body deteriorated in an instant. My brain malfunctioned from the sudden information, my stomach turned upside down, and an unknown trauma overwhelmed me. It was really just a moment. Even I didn’t notice.
The grand idea of dreaming of revenge on you was just an illusion. Making you fall in love with me again, playing with you and making you despair. It was all absurd delusion.
I was sure that you would never love me again.
“It’s not that bad. I’m going to go. Let go of my hand.”
“Ah, ah…”
His eyes widened as if he was flustered. The warmth that had been wrapped around my wrist scattered at once. There was no place that wasn’t red, I couldn’t believe he could get any redder.
His awkwardly dropped hand rubbed his pants. It was the moment when things that had been dismissed as jokes were judged to be true. I could tell without asking. Yi-tae had the look in his eyes of someone I once loved.
‘…I need to distance myself.’
I turned around and went back to my seat. I didn’t say anything. Saying “see you later” or “let’s chat.” Words that would have come out easily normally.
Lunch or dinner no longer mattered. Even if he was having a fancy dinner with Tony at the dorm tonight, it was none of my business.
I must have dipped my feet in too deeply. Without me knowing. As if seeping in.
∗ ∗ ∗
I knew Yi-tae would react sensitively to my mood, but I couldn’t hide it. Do I really have to consider his mood? Let him watch my every move. My twisted heart floated up.
In all honesty, I wanted to test if he could love me to the end even if I acted like this.
You abandoned me when I was loving, kind, and gentle, so can you endure me being mean? Really. I was curious how light this love would be. It was a very reasonable inference.
But if you asked if your previous love was that light, I couldn’t readily answer. I can be sure that I really loved you during the six years we were together as lovers.
I just… if the end of love is like this, I don’t want to receive it again.
I walked along the pier where darkness was beginning to settle. Even though it was spring, the sea breeze in the evening was chilly.
‘I should go see the cherry blossoms alone this year.’
It was a sudden thought. There were university districts and parks in Seattle where cherry blossoms gathered. In Korea, you could enjoy them anywhere on the street, but here, you had to make time to go see them.
This weekend, I’ll only go to work on Saturday morning, so I should go in the afternoon.
I sat down in a place with a good view of the sea and put a lemon candy in my mouth. I felt a bit uneasy.
Just now, I had vented all my spite on Yi-tae. I had offered the absurd generosity of forgiving him if we met again, but in the end, I couldn’t keep it. Because I was so resentful of him. How dare he love me again without any conscience.
“Love is not for just anyone.”
I muttered a phrase I had heard on the radio one day and watched the waves crashing. Like that foam, our love also collapsed without a trace. So there was no second time.
Kwon Yi-tae was really consistent, even though I should be sick of him by now. He left a note again today.
I’m sorry.
Does he know what he did wrong when he apologizes?
I touched the crumpled memo in my pocket with my fingertips. Knowing that you, who only looks after me, couldn’t possibly not know about my change. Even though I had predicted that the result would be like this.
‘I should go in before it gets darker.’
I don’t want to work. The company was really terrible, with overtime again today.
I sighed deeply and was about to go back to the company when I saw a familiar figure taking a walk. He was holding a warm coffee in his hand, wearing earphones, and bouncing as he walked this way.
His gait was very cheerful. My colleague next to me is dying.
His eyes met mine head-on. I could feel him hesitating all the way here. If it were normal, I would have greeted him first without hesitation. After a moment of silence, I opened my mouth.
“Good evening, Tony.”
“Ah, yes. You’re out for a walk… right?”
I could already feel him being awkward. I could tell how introverted he was. So this kind of person is close enough to Yi-tae to have dinner with him, even at the dorm.
Tony awkwardly took the earphones out of his ears. He stopped dancing and stood stiffly like a tree, rubbing the back of his neck.
Do all engineering people feel like that? Acting like a bumpkin and blushing easily.
“Yes. I guess you’re working overtime again today.”
“That’s how our team is, Sirius too, Mina too…”
Tony smiled awkwardly again. I naturally moved in the direction of the company. Since Tony was heading that way anyway, there was nothing strange about it.
“You seem to be close to Sirius. He’s quite shy, isn’t he? How did you become friends?”
“Really? He’s the most popular person I know. He even talked to me first.”
He blinked rapidly. He sounded genuinely puzzled. It seemed developers weren’t good at lying.
Kwon Yi-tae has a lot of friends? That’s a lie.
He didn’t have a single friend he contacted while we were dating. In the year we broke up, there was someone he contacted every day, but that was probably the person he was cheating with, so excluding that. Of course, he never told me anything about that person except that I had to take care of them so they wouldn’t quit.
“Tony must take good care of him, so he relies on him more.”
“I rely on him more. He’s a really good person.”
“…You both work overtime every day, aren’t you tired?”
My pace slowed down more and more than I thought. I also had the experience of relying on him, but that didn’t mean Yi-tae was that reliable. I knew that best…
“Sirius is in bigger trouble than me. He needs to get out of that old, dirty dorm and find a new room quickly. He got bitten by Bedbugs from several rooms the other day. Ugh.”
Tony pretended to vomit.