By Zephyria Kwon Yi-tae’s complexion was deathly pale, and he acted frantically, like a man who had just received a death sentence. He groped and rubbed the back of his neck, and eventually covered his face with both hands. As if even that was a sin.
White snow piled up on the window frame of the gray building, where darkness had completely settled. The light reflected off the white, and I could see you clearly.
Yi-tae, who was looking closely, seemed to be in despair. It was strange. It shouldn’t be. It was a completely different attitude from the last day I broke up with him. I began to think that my proposal might be rejected.
“…Okay.”
The small voice that leaked out was clearly shaky, but it had a firm light.
“Okay.”
That answer was enough. I walked forward again without hesitation. The sound of crunching snow followed behind me.
We maintained a suitable distance. I was lost in thought, and so was he. We were using silence as a shield and didn’t know what to do.
The quiet street was soon filled with noise. The end of the long line in front of the food truck was past three buildings. The delicious smell stirred my stomach. I wasn’t even hungry, but I was drawn in by the crowd mentality.
A few more minutes from here and we would be at the accommodation.
We could have parted ways appropriately, but he foolishly followed me. Now, I couldn’t even feel where he was because I was being pushed around by the crowd.
What kind of emotion should remain in a place where the joy has faded?
“…Gyeoul.”
It probably wouldn’t be in a very good form.
A crumbling voice, like a lost child, reached me through the many sounds. If he was so desperate, he could just reach out to me.
The soles of my sneakers scraped harshly against the ground. The friction stopped me from moving forward.
I continued to feel bad, and Yi-tae kept glancing at me, like a dog who had done something wrong.
“Speak.”
If he was going to follow me from behind, he should at least show the courtesy of coming to my side.
Kwon Yi-tae, who awkwardly grabbed my sleeve, still hesitated. Even though he had already touched me. Lost eyes landed on the tip of my nose. I wrinkled my nose at the chilling coldness. But I didn’t want to shake them off.
Without applying any force, but without letting go, I guarded the last remaining neon sign in Manhattan. The colorful lights felt foreign.
Yi-tae stood there and said. Very quietly.
“I was glad to see you today.”
“…That’s out of the blue.”
“I won’t misunderstand, I promise.”
I never had such worries.
I realized it from the moment I made eye contact with Kwon Yi-tae. That wasn’t a pleading look. It was empty, without lingering feelings or longing. As if he didn’t want anything more.
“I know. You don’t have to say it.”
The seasons we had built up were not entirely in vain. The relationship that was formed under them grew by eating nutrients and became a decent tree. Only its name kept changing. Friend, lover, enemy, bad bastard, and where is it heading again?
Although it ended terribly, in fact… the time I was friends with him was just as precious. Therefore, this was forgiveness as a friend, not as an ex-lover.
It would have been impossible if I was still in love with you.
“I don’t think you’ll want to tell me where the accommodation is. Go in carefully. …I’ll leave you a message.”
A part of his body touched my back and fell away. I couldn’t confirm it because I was turned around, but it was much heavier than a hand. It was a little ticklish, so I guessed it was his forehead, like hair.
“Go in carefully. Sleep well, eat well. See you tomorrow.”
“Okay, bye.”
The first greeting we shared was repeated like a da capo.
The hand that was holding my sleeve and the familiar weight that I had been leaning on disappeared at once. I knew that even if I turned around now, he wouldn’t be there.
It was a night when a long-held wish came true, but somehow it felt empty.
∗ ∗ ∗
From the morning, Michael kept nagging that he didn’t want to go to the Statue of Liberty, but he was fine with everything else.
Even while brushing his teeth, washing his face, and changing his clothes, he went on and on about how often he had visited the place. I couldn’t help but feel resentful about last night, even though I couldn’t help but understand.
“Okay. I’ll go alone. Although you recklessly brought me here saying you would take responsibility for my trip, there may be a travel mate in this world who leaves me alone in a strange place without saying a word and doesn’t even want to go near the travel destination.”
He shut his lightly teasing mouth and rolled his eyes. Then, he made eye contact with me, who was looking down at him head-on, and was startled, stopping his legs from dangling on the bed.
“Oh, did you get in okay yesterday? I saw the text that you were going in first, so I didn’t contact you separately…”
“Of course. I was very lonely and desolate, and I even got lost once, so my heart was pounding and I had chills, but, well. It seems like it will be the same today, but it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
I stared at the empty notification window in the square screen and answered peacefully. Michael stopped fidgeting and casually got out of bed and rummaged through his suitcase.
I didn’t mean to vent my anger on him. No, if he was so earnest, affectionate, and careful, shouldn’t he have left a message right away?
I just tapped the innocent phone and threw it on the table. I ruffled my messy hair because I hadn’t styled it yet, and then picked up a water bottle and opened the lid. Lukewarm liquid flowed down my hot throat.
My stomach didn’t feel good. It must have been because I drank high-proof alcohol yesterday. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be so twisted.
“S-Shall we go together? I actually really, really like seeing the Statue of Liberty. When I see that beautiful statue, my heart pounds and I feel alive, and my reverence and pride for my country soar and tears well up…”
Michael jumped up from his seat and started spouting lies in a theatrical tone that no one would believe. He raised his palm vigorously over his chest and said that he was very moved and honored without a care.
It became clear that he was a funny person as we got closer. I didn’t know he was so talkative when he was next to me.
At that moment, the sound of a vibration rang out very loudly in the noisy space. It would have been a normal vibration size, but it came to me like a huge thunder, like thunder.
I hurriedly picked up the phone that had been thrown away and checked the notification. The familiar email address ‘kwon0318’ was written there. Before I could check the contents, I interrupted Michael’s lengthy patriotism.
“I heard there are a lot of sales on 5th Avenue today.”
“You know it well! Not going there on such an important day is a disgrace to the family.”
“What about your reverence?”
“After all, isn’t reverence coming from pockets and taxes?”
Michael sat down on the bed with a thud, as if he had exhausted all his energy. There was not a hint of shame in his expression when he talked about taxes.
Was it because my heart had softened? I didn’t respond to his words and opened my email. I couldn’t help but wonder what words were written in the email that he had been agonizing over for a full eight hours.
“I’m moved by your admirable heart, so I’ll give way. Go shopping.”
“Winter. You have a heart as wide and benevolent as an angel!”
It was another lie.
Michael started listing the aesthetic beauty and importance of New York’s 5th Avenue and the items he had to buy again. This time, the sincerity overflowed and filled the room.
With that sound as background music, I clicked on the title that was written plainly as ‘To Gyeoul’. The image of Yi-tae struggling while writing this came to mind, and the corners of my mouth twitched. Even as he got older, he was still embarrassed by things like this.
To Gyeoul.
I hope you are always filled with happy things. Did you get back to the accommodation safely? I was afraid that if I left a message too late, it would disturb your sleep, so I’m sending it now that it’s morning. Tell me the place and time to meet and I’ll go there. Thank you for suggesting it first. See you later.
From Kwon Yi-tae.
P.S. It’s very cold these days, so I’ll bring a scarf if you need it.
I stared at it for a long time. I carefully read the sentences that were full of politeness, as if sending a business email. I wondered what he was thinking while writing each word, but no emotion was revealed in the letters. It would have been easier to know if it was a voice.
“Is there any interesting news?”
“No, not really.”
“Then you’re excited about going shopping with me?”
He asked, bringing his smiling face close. I was at a loss as to where to start correcting him. I wasn’t that excited, and I wasn’t going to be with him. My hands were diligently writing a reply while my mouth was moving.
“I have to go see the Statue of Liberty. Go alone, Michael.”
I pressed the send button and turned off the screen. His eyes were wide open as he stared at me with a blank face.
I suddenly realized that I was smiling.