By Zephyria 
He grabbed his wrist, preventing him from running away.
The commotion inside gradually subsided. The drum sounds that had been pounding the speakers turned into a soft piano melody, and the moderately bright lighting lost its luster, becoming fainter than the small lights outside the window, mingling in the space.
The faint smile that lingered around his lips crumbled. Kwon Yi-tae’s pockets, having completely lost expression, moved busily. He wasn’t looking for anything in his pockets, but he was quite restless. The movement traveled up to my hand that was touching his.
“……There’s plenty of time.”
I only gave a little force, but his hand easily followed. I lightly released the two hands awkwardly floating in the air. Thud, his hand fell back to its place powerlessly. He didn’t step back any further.
I put strength in my lips and smiled at him.
“Then let me borrow some. Is that okay?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll be waiting. Go and come back.”
I didn’t leave him any room to refuse. I didn’t want to give him the right to choose.
I indicated the group behind him with a slight nod. Those who had been watching with curious eyes seemed to be eagerly waiting for him to return. Kwon Yi-tae obediently nodded, saying, “Yeah.”
But unlike his answer, he didn’t move an inch. He stood firmly in place as if his legs were rooted to the floor.
The guy who was running away so well just a moment ago. Now he was hesitating as if he was regretting it, which bothered me.
I had been in this state all along. The weak part, only half-covered by a shell, was throbbing violently. The sensation was so sharp that it was difficult to handle. The words I blurted out after holding back left traces.
Just like now.
“Why aren’t you going? Are you going to make me wait again?”
“……I’ll be back. Sorry.”
His hair fluttered once more. Instead of answering my sarcasm, Kwon Yi-tae muttered softly and turned his body immediately. Before I could empathize with his emotions, I turned my head and sat down.
There was still an empty glass in front of me. My insides were hot, and I slowly exhaled the stagnant breath. I endured it well back then, so why was I suddenly overwhelmed by just one word?
I put my hand on my throbbing forehead and supported my body, then swept my hair back. When I couldn’t predict anything, I had no choice but to move forward. Whether that place was hell or heaven.
There was nothing to fear or regret. I had lived like that until now, and I would continue to do so. Impulse was choice.
‘Get a grip.’
My stomach churned. I didn’t realize it when I was drinking, but the alcohol was very strong. When did you, who used to get drunk on just a few sips of beer, start enjoying such strong liquor? Another question piled up like snowflakes. The snow that had been piling up from below was falling heavily enough to cover the world.
While waiting for him to return, I fixed my shoes. I calmed my breathing and clasped my hands together, rotating my wrists. I straightened my hunched back by tightening between my shoulder blades and placed my tongue neatly.
“……Shall we go somewhere? Wherever you want to go.”
It didn’t seem like much time had passed, but he came back, panting subtly. I looked up at him without forcibly hiding my expression. Yi-tae’s eyes were shaking incessantly. Like a buoy drifting in the vast ocean. Dizzily.
“Okay. Let’s do that.”
The answer was monotonous.
I exhaled the breath that had been stagnant for a long time and stood up. I was finally ready to face him.
∗ ∗ ∗
As befitting a tourist city, the flashy signs flickered relentlessly. The streets were still crowded with cheerful people. An excited atmosphere clung to my heels.
The rain that had started to fall in drops from the time I left the store soon turned into white snow and flew over my head. Round traces that would never pile up remained on the road.
A small puddle formed on the palm of my hand extended forward, then disappeared without a trace. I watched the scene and muttered as if to myself.
“It’s cold.”
“Do you want an umbrella?”
“You haven’t been here long, have you? You don’t even have basic knowledge. If you show it like that, you won’t avoid being a beggar. They’ll take everything if you look naive.”
I brushed it off lightly like a joke. I made a circle with my thumb and index finger and shook it at him.
I still walked forward without knowing where I was going. This road would eventually lead somewhere.
The scene of a man who suited this place best, holding an umbrella alone like a stranger, appeared before my eyes. Even so, people wouldn’t point fingers at him.
I suddenly realized. Ah, he wouldn’t get pickpocketed. Even that appearance wouldn’t feel out of place.
I was pushed by the crowd. The advertisements on the large electronic display attached to the huge building changed endlessly. The light particles that looked like fireflies from above were painted colorfully like crayons of various colors.
Something you can only know when you get close.
“I just…… didn’t want you to get snowed on.”
It was heard particularly clearly even in the bustling noise. The gentle breeze, calmer than in Seattle, crept between the coats. So lightly that I didn’t even know it was blowing. The water droplets that formed at the ends of my hair fluttered.
“You hated snow? I didn’t know. Back then…… I think I just liked it.”
“I still like it.”
“Then, why?”
Since I met Kwon Yi-tae here, it had been snowing heavily. All the sentences ended in question marks. Unintelligible and unfamiliar things were intertwined in a row. It was so tightly packed that it couldn’t be unraveled with just one answer.
An answer flowed out of his mouth obediently, which I thought he would replace with silence.
“Because you might catch a cold.”
“You won’t catch it from getting a little snowed on.”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“Unless you stand outside for…… about 5 hours. Foolishly. You’ll probably just get pneumonia.”
It flowed out more calmly than I thought. There was no way to block the stream of water that had started to seep little by little with my hands. The hole would get bigger and bigger. Constantly eroded, it would become uncontrollably large at some point.
Perhaps every time that happened, I would experience an unknown sense of liberation even in the midst of the self-loathing that would overwhelm me.
The faintly scattering snowflakes gradually intensified. Kwon Yi-tae really answered with silence this time. It wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. Even if he apologized now, nothing would change. I didn’t expect anything either.
I urged my steps a little faster. Before I knew it, only familiar flags were stretching into the sky in the desolate landscape of high-rise buildings. How far do I have to go? Suddenly, the endless height felt daunting, and I roughly grabbed his clothes.
I stopped abruptly on the street. Before I could open my mouth, Yi-tae spoke first. The body that touched was trembling.
“It’s too late, but can I apologize? I’m not asking for forgiveness. I won’t say it if you don’t want to hear it. Just, just…….”
“…….”
“I’ll do whatever you tell me to, Gyeoul.”
I didn’t want to see your desperation. Our reunion was too early. I should have waited until all these emotions had subsided. The emotions that were okay even at the moment of parting had become fully ripe.
That was a very unfortunate thing for both you and me.
“Uh, don’t.”
I said, looking him straight in the eye. The face filled with despair subsided.
“Yi-tae, no. Let’s not do this. I just want to end it with me being happy to see you.”
“…….”
“There are still many things I’m curious about you, and if it’s true that you live here, I’m going to contact you often in the future. It’s lonely to be alone in a foreign country. Of course, that’s only possible if you want it too.”
How long would it take to get back to the hostel from here?
Yi-tae’s eyes shone in the light of the Little light bulbs, but they didn’t fall in the end. Instead of begging or pleading, he rubbed his snow-covered cheeks with the back of his hand. The area that touched turned red. How hard did he rub it?
“Sorry for being greedy.”
I turned in the direction I had come. It seemed like I would have to walk about 20 minutes more to arrive. It was getting late, so I had to go back quickly.
I said emotionlessly, as if I were briefly briefing data at the company.
“It’s a 4-night, 5-day trip, and today is the first day. There are no separate plans yet, and you can move alone if you want. The friend who came with me is okay without me. I’m probably going to see the Statue of Liberty tomorrow. I’ll see everything and do some shopping.”
“……Huh?”
“The email address you know is still alive.”
It was already a completely failed meeting that had not achieved its purpose at all.
There were still mountains of things I hadn’t asked you, and unlike expected, the snow piled up on the street wouldn’t melt tomorrow either. On the way back, there were two pairs of footprints that had been walking together until just now.
Yi-tae didn’t say anything. No, he was standing there while I was walking forward.
I slowly turned to look at him. With flickering eyes, he was looking at me endlessly. Hesitating. Endlessly contemplating and hesitating.
“Shall we see each other tomorrow too? What are you going to do?”
There was no choice. I had to say it first.