By Zephyria Even to Gyeoul himself, it felt like an excuse riddled with self-loathing and regret.
Hyeon-seong’s face contorted as if reflected on calm waters. The expression of the man who had demanded why he was being told this overlapped with it.
Although a long time had passed, the only changes on the table were the slightly diminished alcohol and the empty water glass. He belatedly realized the source of the murmuring that felt like waves. The once deserted store was now completely filled with people, with not a single empty table to be found.
“Why do I need to know that? Not everyone becomes an asshole just because they go through such situations. It’s just the self-pity of a piece of trash who can only make excuses.”
“…….”
The creaking he felt as he spoke grew louder, amplifying the noise and swelling in size.
“And you, go to the hospital. I don’t want to see you in court.”
“I think I’ve answered your question sufficiently.”
“I just feel even more like shit after hearing such trashy answers. Uh, ask. What are you curious about?”
The snow outside the window grew heavier, swirling like a blizzard. Multiple footprints were stamped over the first snow where footprints had been left, now a complete mess with no discernible shape.
Even if new snow piled on top of it, could it be said to be the same as the first snow?
Yes, it was irreversible. The already broken and rusted heart could not become new even if it were fixed. It could never again imitate the form it had when it was whole.
“I’ll say it in advance. If you get angry while listening, hit me once. I won’t sue. Instead, tell me as you know it.”
“Too much preamble.”
He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. He felt guilty even asking.
“……Did Gyeoul, because of a bastard like me, suffer a lot……?”
“Wow.”
“Answer me, please. ……Please.”
He swallowed the overflowing words. Even though he felt a tearing pain in his throat, he forced them down.
“You’re really shameless. God, you’re curious about that now? You haven’t cared for the past year. Just live pretending you don’t know. You lived well enough without knowing that, right? Whether your Darling collapsed or not.”
“I have to live well……. Someday, someday, if we happen to run into each other, I can’t be in this state. I don’t want to be someone ashamed of having loved. I have to move forward. Anywhere, somehow. ……I can’t stay like this.”
“…….”
“I won’t desire what’s not mine anymore. I promise. I desired what I shouldn’t have, and I troubled him by getting something disgusting and filthy like me on him. You know, don’t you? During the time I threw away, you…… you were by his side.”
Even without a reply, he continued to speak. As if he would die soon if he didn’t. The filth he had begun to pour out could not be stopped.
“You asked if I’m desperate. I don’t know about that. ……I’m doing it because this is all I can do. Because Gyeoul told me to live well.”
Lee Hyeon-seong drank the strong liquor in one gulp and slammed the glass down. His eyes, now even clearer, stared at me intensely.
He seemed genuinely upset, and there was a sound of friction between his hand and the glass. He seemed to be gripping his hand so tightly.
“Just a moment. I really don’t understand, but you acted like you couldn’t live because of him, but suddenly, why are you so desperate? Do you miss him now that he’s gone? Did you realize his importance after he was gone? That doesn’t make sense. How can a person become so desperate as if they’ve changed?”
“…….”
“How can you regret it when you don’t even know what you did wrong in the first place?”
He clenched and unclenched his fist. His hand, which had turned white, soon regained its color and turned red. Hyeon-seong’s words were so accurate that his heart stung. He wanted to hide in a cave where no one could see him, hold his breath, and erase himself from the world.
He continued to speak, not caring about my condition. I knew it was a valid criticism, but it felt like my heart was tied with a string and a heavy weight was attached, as if it would soon tear apart.
“Was it hard? Do you need to be told that? Think about what you did. Do you think he wasn’t lonely all that time? He lost his family and his lover because of you. ……He said himself that he felt like he would never be loved in his life.”
“Ah……. No, no…….”
He just shook his head stupidly.
If love had its own share, Gyeoul would have had more than enough. I stole it…… I was greedy, and that’s how it turned out. I completely ruined the nineteen-year-old’s wish as he walked under the starry night sky.
That desperate belief that he only wanted that…….
“You, of all people, received an undeserved amount of love. That’s why this stupid, gullible bastard is asking you for this favor.”
Hyeon-seong rummaged roughly through the bag he had brought. “God, this is fucked up.” He chuckled as he cursed. He took out a brown envelope and placed it down as if throwing it. The pushed envelope lightly touched the water glass.
“He said to give it to you if you seemed desperate. It’s half the value of the apartment you gave him. He doesn’t want to be in debt, and he thought that if he had money when things were hardest, it would make living in the world a little easier. Yeah, like you said, he left it behind so you could live well.”
What are you going to do now? Lee Hyeon-seong’s cold eyes seemed to be saying that.
∗ ∗ ∗
He staggered through the snow.
〈While you were flirting and drinking with that bastard, he foolishly waited there for half a day in that cold weather. Do you know that the flu he caught then turned into pneumonia? Even in that moment, he was waiting for you.〉
His body collapsed in the heavy blizzard. Unable to withstand the pain that pierced his lungs, he vomited sour liquid. His whole body was filthy. Filthy, ugly, and terrible……. Would it be better if I peeled off all my skin?
He had no proper memories from the past year. He pitied himself, sympathized with himself, and was angry. Why was it only so hard for me? Why wouldn’t you understand how hard it was for me? I thought I could use that as a weapon and wield it as I pleased. Hurting the people around me and shouting that I was having such a hard time, so leave me alone.
Love was secondary. Me, my hardship, was the priority. Hidden by that, I couldn’t see you.
〈You’ll feel more comfortable if you let go of what’s stagnant. If it becomes inflamed and festers, it will only hurt and be harder then.〉
No. Teacher, you’re wrong. It would have been better if it had stayed stagnant. It would have hurt less to live without knowing and then fester and die one day. I’m just…… I’m wrong. Someone like me shouldn’t have been born into this world.
He groped in the air and barely grabbed a roadside tree. Stomach acid mixed with alcohol and medicine dripped down. The stinging from his stomach to his throat intensified.
〈You want to regret it? You want to get better? Don’t be ridiculous. Who is that for? Just live like that. So ugly and disgusting that Gyeoul won’t even think about looking back.〉
Tears streamed down his nose. The gently falling snow was heavier than a rock, pressing his body down.
He had lost his purpose and direction.
The trace of Gyeoul left in his arms was so hot that he couldn’t stop crying. Your love was so perfect that it hurt even more. Even what I tried to give you, wanting to be greedy, ultimately couldn’t become yours.
His crying overflowed and reversed. The stifled, pained groan of a beast covered the silent night.
What trace of me is left in you now?
“Gyeoul, what should I do…….”
I don’t remember well how you smiled when you were happy. What expression did you have when you loved? What did you pick up first when you ate? Did you lie down on the left side when you slept? It’s been a year since I broke up with you, but why do I feel like I’ve let you go forever a long time ago?
He tried to dig his fingernails into the tree, but instead, they were lifted up, causing pain. That pain cleared his head. He needed to feel pain to think properly. He needed more pain.
He just raised his head and looked around. He had to find something that could hurt him.
Headlights shone on him and slowly moved away. A broken glass bottle that someone had shattered on the nearby ground reflected the light. Without hesitation, he reached out and grabbed a shard of glass.
‘I’m not trying to die. I can’t remember your face well……. I’m just trying to come to my senses for a moment. I’m going to live well. Because someday, I’ll pass by you by chance. I’m sorry.’
He lifted the shard and stabbed it into the back of his hand. With the hot pain, Gyeoul’s last face, looking at him expressionlessly, came to mind. A surprised face, a little shorter pinky finger than others, neatly trimmed nails. Now he felt like he could live a little.
Just one more time…… Should I do it again? Then I think I’ll remember again.
He looked at the back of his hand with blood dripping down, sighed, and got up. Seeing the messed-up wound, the alcohol gradually wore off. He took out the glass shard and threw it into the flower bed.
He put the envelope inside his coat so that it wouldn’t get blood on it. The white snow turned red, but he didn’t feel much emotion. Even this would hide under the falling snow.
I need to revise my plan.
He unconsciously pressed down on the wound. His vision flashed. Ah, this is it. He dug more roughly with his fingers, trying to come to his senses. The things he had to do in the future became clearer and clearer. He had never been so clear-headed as he was now.
First, I have to go where you are.
Without forming any relationship, and only approaching as much as the sky allows someday……. Yes, that was enough. I shouldn’t be greedy anymore. Even if I had to wait a lifetime to achieve the plan.
Although even this plan was my selfish decision, with Gyeoul’s wishes not reflected at all, there was nothing I could do. Gyeoul had to enjoy his share.