By Zephyria 
They stared at each other without blinking. The tense war of nerves caused the atmosphere to freeze rapidly. Fortunately, the pounding music prevented the conversation from reaching other tables.
Before I could organize my thoughts, they burst out. Raw and unrefined.
“…Wasn’t that statement a breach of professional ethics?”
“It’s none of your concern. I need various opinions. It was a case that ended in a disturbing way, so it kept bothering me. You’re not involved in this, so you might feel differently.”
It was a subtle and languid whisper, like sugar-coating.
Lee Hyun-sung was a competent lawyer. He was skilled at building rapport with clients. Conversely, he was someone who could exploit that well. Like now.
He pretended to be friendly while criticizing with every word. Convincing myself that I was the target. But getting angry was an inadequate response. This was a trap. It was like luring me into a damp swamp and urging me to dip only my toes in.
But this was actually an opportunity. He knew this situation better than I did. To the extent that he had third-party information I didn’t know.
To achieve the purpose of the meeting, I had to calm this anxiety somehow. I took a deep breath until my lungs felt like they would burst and exhaled slowly. I clenched my fists tightly and slowly released them to relax my stiff body.
“What conclusion did you come to?”
“They were even planning to travel together. It seems like it was really the Dating phase. Who knows? If he were alive, they might be dating now.”
Even after learning the whole story, I didn’t feel betrayed by Woo Young-geol.
Did I really not know he had a delusional disorder? I suspected it, but I just didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to dedicate that much thought to him. Moreover, even if it were true, it wasn’t my business.
Avoiding his gaze, I spoke slowly. As if I had nothing to do with it.
“Why do you think so? I heard he had a Sex partner. How could someone who thought things were going well with the client suddenly date someone new?”
“Oh, really?”
A perfunctory answer came back. Lee Hyun-sung’s eyes narrowed slightly as he said that. He leaned back against the backrest, but then straightened up. My answer must have stimulated him properly.
“But I heard they met too often. If someone who even had a long-term lover abandoned that lover to meet him, isn’t that genuine? Honestly, I think they were birds of a feather.”
That’s how I acted.
Every time my heart dropped, I drank water. I refilled the glass that was showing its bottom. I didn’t want to drink any more alcohol. I needed to be clear-headed and talk to him.
From the time we broke up until now, I hadn’t reminisced or reflected. If I didn’t, it felt like it would really be over forever. I would have to accept that Choi Gyeoul and Kwon Yi-tae could no longer be anything to each other.
How much I had done wrong, and how greedy it was to want to meet you again. I had forgotten that I had begged and pleaded for something I shouldn’t have, and barely managed to be together. Even though I knew it was too much for me.
“…So that lover… a lot…”
“How would I know? Do you know that person?”
Lee Hyun-sung interrupted while I was hesitating. There was ridicule in his voice. The contempt that had been directed at others was now pouring towards me. My whole body tingled.
Suddenly, my eyes felt hot. Hatred and contempt for myself were also rising within me. I closed my lips tightly and stared at the glossy beef tartare.
〈I’m just holding it back because I can’t handle it if it bursts. But you have to face it properly to move forward. Stagnant water is bound to rot. Next time you come, please tell me something, anything. Even something light. What you ate that day, what you did as soon as you woke up. Anything.〉
This impulse I’m feeling now must be the emotions and memories I’ve been hiding deep inside. Everyone has an instinct to live, and that happens regardless of the desire to die.
I forced out the stagnant breath and asked slowly.
“Earlier, did you ask if that person also seemed like a victim?”
“Yeah.”
“If you answer, you answer my question too. Then I’ll answer.”
“…If it’s something I can do.”
That was enough. No, this was a question only Lee Hyun-sung could answer. I came prepared to be beaten up a few times, so it was actually more beneficial to me.
“I don’t think so. If he had been a victim of stalking, he would have reported it.”
“Really?”
“Unlike your expectations, it wasn’t the Dating phase either. That person never had genuine feelings for the perpetrator for even a moment.”
“Ha, bullshit.”
Lee Hyun-sung muttered quietly, bursting into a hollow laugh.
I stood tall and endured the rising anxiety. A wave the size of a house had already begun to crash down, but the surging waves still couldn’t knock me over. The only one I was afraid of was Gyeoul. The criticism of others couldn’t invade my inner self.
“If you don’t understand what I’m saying, tell me more of the information you know. I’ll judge again.”
“I heard that bastard told the perpetrator that he didn’t like his lover and that he liked you more. He even made a 1-night, 2-day trip on their anniversary. Didn’t he completely abandon his lover because he was infatuated with the perpetrator?”
He answered my provocation calmly. But veins were popping out on the back of his hand, as if he wanted to slap me right away. It was disgusting even for me to hear, so how terrible must it be for Lee Hyun-sung?
But there was a firm truth. I wanted to protect this one thing. Even if it was a trivial pure heart.
“…Was that bastard you knew the type of person to talk badly about his lover?”
Would the bastard really let Gyeoul be judged by others? Even talking about his love life to others? He pushed him into hell for life because of that mouth, so could he do that?
At least if that bastard was me, that much was a complete lie. Woo Young-geol didn’t even know of Gyeoul’s existence. He seemed to have sensed that I was of the same kind, but he somehow blocked information about Gyeoul.
“You never know. He was a bastard who used to say he was tired of his lover and that he couldn’t live like this with you, so he could have done that. How can you trust people?”
…Me?
I said such bullshit? I had no idea. My jaw trembled. The world that had been upright was gradually collapsing as my eyes shook uncontrollably.
I forgot that Lee Hyun-sung was in front of me and was busy trying to remember. I had to remember. If I had spewed such filth at Gyeoul… The nails dug into my flesh with my clenched fist. It didn’t hurt at all.
But he didn’t give me time to think. As if that was a luxury for me.
“If they even went on a trip, wouldn’t they have had sex? Why would people who aren’t even together go on a trip in the first place? It’s not like they’re giving each other a chance. That’s cheating. What else is cheating?”
Lee Hyun-sung didn’t know. The fear that his name might be written in a suicide note. The slightest guilt that he had contributed to his parents’ death. The feeling of having to endure someone who threatened his life, using those things as weapons, and telling him to jump into the fire together.
Forgetting to talk like a third party, I blurted out whatever came to mind, filled with emotion. My throat was stinging, and I kept swallowing because something hot kept rising.
“Have you ever felt like bugs were crawling all over your body? I always felt like that when I was with him. You’re saying I’d have sex with someone like that? Sleep with him? Ha, don’t say disgusting things. In the first place, we booked separate hotels. Because I didn’t want to run into him at night.”
“…”
“Have you ever been next to someone who was about to die? The day before, he tried to commit suicide and I found him and he failed. What more could I have done for someone who said that when he saw the sea, he felt like he wanted to live now, that he wouldn’t die anymore?”
“…”
“What’s that bastard’s diagnosis? You know. Do you believe everything he says?”
The reason I admitted to cheating at the time was one thing. Gyeoul already felt that way, and it was better to be remembered as a bad person than a pathetic person who couldn’t even handle his company life properly.
I didn’t want to be remembered as such a flawed person next to the perfect Gyeoul. It was inferiority. I didn’t want to reveal the circumstances as an excuse. So I deceived myself.
“Yeah. I thought it was my fault. I didn’t know he was in a lawsuit. So, I, I… thought I had made someone want to die again. I didn’t project my ex-lover onto him and give him affection. I was reminded of myself at that time. Like a trauma.”
A waterlogged voice barely squeezed out. The muffled sound of waves crashing in the distance.