By Zephyria 
Lee Hyeon, who had been pursing her lips and watching my reaction, asked.
“Is that just a vague hope of yours, or is it actually in progress? Do you know where he is?”
“I’ll go as soon as my work visa is approved.”
“…How long have you been preparing?”
Since the day Gyeoul told me to live well.
If I said that, Hyeon would hate it. She might yell at me for not being able to escape the shadows.
She’d probably tell me to stop clinging to Gyeoul and get my act together. Even I doubted if this was the right thing to do. Was it really right to bet my whole life on just one coincidence?
But I had barely managed to endure until now, just looking at that one possibility. Even if it took a very long time, it was okay. Accidentally running into him in that vast land was almost a miracle, but it was okay. Even if I couldn’t meet him…
There was nothing more I could ask of Gyeoul.
“For a long time.”
It was worth betting my whole life on. Just on that one coincidence. Hope was originally something that grew as it gnawed away at you. No, it didn’t even have to grow. Just the existence of that seed was enough to sustain me.
Lee Hyeon’s expression was subtle. It was a look as if she was looking at something she couldn’t understand. Of course. A hollow laugh burst out. Even if we seemed to hate each other, family was family.
Her attitude of trying to understand me somehow was quite admirable. Of course, her expression revealed that she was thinking, ‘Even such trash is my family…’
“You’re crazy.”
“Yeah, before you go home, send me the name of the watch you wanted.”
“You’re really crazy. My oppa is so cool, I’m going crazy.”
I didn’t feel bad about her soulless flattery. This might be a pretty big deal. That I didn’t feel annoyed by Kwon Yi-hyeon’s attitude.
She sat down and chattered about meaningless topics for a long time, tapping her feet, and then left a note with Lee Hyeon-seong’s phone number on the desk.
I strode over and grabbed the paper as if to crumple it, but when it made a rustling sound, my hand lost its strength. Lee Hyeon gave me this paper, saying, ‘…Hyeon-seong oppa told me to give it to you. He said to contact him when you’re desperate.’
I was furious, but I cherished the paper, worried that it might get damaged, and saved the number on my phone. It had been 15 years since I knew him, but I didn’t even have his number until now. The reason was simple. I hated Lee Hyeon-seong.
There was no hesitation in my fingers.
Anyway, if he had something to tell me, and if it was about Gyeoul, I could listen to it as much as he wanted. Even if it was the remnants of a one-sided love that had stayed by his lover’s side, pretending to be a friend.
[This is Kwon Yi-tae. I received the note from Lee Hyeon and am contacting you. Please reply.]
Even if I was criticized by Lee Hyeon-seong, if I could hear about Gyeoul, I could endure any insult.
The ‘unread’ mark disappeared immediately.
∗ ∗ ∗
The world seen from afar was all blurry.
The snow piled up on the street was all frozen and very slippery. Only now was winter properly arriving, and the temperature had dropped below freezing, so my hands and feet froze stiff even if I stood for a moment.
My nose was cold, so I buried my face in my scarf. Seoul was still bustling. It was full of people running without even knowing where they were going. I was one of them. Living as I was carried along, without even knowing how broken I had become.
Maybe that was my true nature.
The bus stop was crowded with people. Even in this cold weather, people were still moving along steadily. Without a hitch.
“If you go back, are you confident that you’ll do well so you won’t regret it?”
“Of course. I won’t let her get a drop of water on her hands this time.”
“That’s why you can’t do it. If things get tough again, you’ll abandon the people around you first. They say you know someone’s true nature when things get difficult, but where’s the sincerity in your regrets that are just words?”
“…Did you come here to comfort me, or to hit me with facts?”
The man who was making a tearful face nudged the arm of the expressionless man next to him. He was pushed back enough to stagger, but he didn’t show any signs of agitation. I unknowingly stared at them as if I was possessed. There was something about their conversation that dug into my heart.
The man in the black coat casually responded to the words of the man who seemed to be his friend while playing Tetris. He must have made a mistake for a moment, because his face contorted fiercely. It was different from the calmness he had shown earlier.
The shorter man, who seemed to be affectionate, clung to his friend’s arm and interfered, then suddenly pressed the power button on the phone. It was enough to make him angry, but the man sighed deeply and spoke gently to his friend.
His intonation was subtly strong, as if he was gritting his teeth. As if he was chewing on something.
“So, what do you want to do? Do you want to get back together?”
His annoyance was clearly evident, but whether the other person didn’t notice or was just absorbed in his own emotions, he just continued to lament.
“I may be an idiot, but I can still think. …If I want to see her again, it’s shameless. I know that makes me less than human. But I know….”
“Why are you making such a heartfelt confession to me? Go and tell her directly.”
“Now, just appearing in front of her is a sin.”
Sin. For a moment, it seemed like I had made eye contact with the man in the coat.
The sound of a bus arriving covered the heavy atmosphere. I took my eyes off them and got on the 494 bus. It wasn’t the bus they were trying to take, so they started talking again.
“So, what the hell do you want to do? Do you want to love her again? Is that even possible?”
My heart was pounding.
I didn’t look back in their direction again. The sound of their friendly argument couldn’t be heard once the bus doors closed. Only the warm air circulating inside the bus briefly buried the winter.
It was still early to leave work, so there were empty seats here and there. I sat down in a seat and turned my eyes to the passing scenery. The bus, which had already started quickly, was moving forward, leaving the bus stop far behind.
For some reason, it was hard to breathe. Was it because the air was too dry? I coughed briefly and cleared my throat.
Suddenly, I felt a vibration in my pocket. There was only one place that would contact me.
I stared at the unwelcome three letters for a long time before slowly pressing the notification to check the contents.
Lee Hyeon-seong
[The final consultation is delayed, so I’ll be about 10 minutes late. Please go inside first.]
His text was as stiff as his impression. I replied briefly, ‘Okay,’ and put my phone in my pocket. I was comfortable with the silence. Because the call I was waiting for would never come. Impossible expectations only led to frustration.
I had been desperately ignoring the undeserved jealousy that had been going on for some time. Nevertheless, a laugh mixed with annoyance burst out and scattered with the wind.
Were all the countless contacts I had made with Gyeoul all pretense? To break down his guard and gain the closest friendship.
Even with such hypocritical lies, he would have become a much greater support to Gyeoul. Much more than me. I had made it that way with my own hands. I didn’t hesitate to criticize him in order to shatter his trust and drag you down to the level I was at.
I stopped the filth-like reflection and closed my eyes. My body shook as the bus rattled. The unfamiliar vibration caused me to feel nauseous. It was better to feel sick than to vomit up my ugly emotions.
‘Ah… Did I take my medicine today?’
Judging from how hazy my memory was, I hadn’t taken it. Then I should go and take my medicine first. I touched the medicine packet in my pocket and let out a sigh of relief. It was my fault for not taking care of it on such an important day.
Anxiety and depression visited me frequently. As if it was inevitable.
I got off the bus. The chilling wind that blew again woke me up. The turbulent heart gradually calmed down in the relatively quiet street.
I had known that the emotion I had just felt was fear since I had visited the mental hospital of my own accord. Anxiety disorder and depression. That was my diagnosis.
I hurried my steps. It was too cold outside, the gazes of the world were cold, and my fluctuating heart was not easily calmed. Gazes. Before I felt all the gazes surrounding me as accusations.
The middle-aged woman across the street who was staring at me, the corners of the male student’s lips with a sneer hanging from them. When all of that felt like a rebuke to me, fear arose. I had to go quickly, quickly and take my medicine.
〈Yi-tae-ssi. You need to face it properly so you don’t distort it. So… is there anything you want to tell me today?〉
I had to get out of here before they started pressing me about why I had done those things.
I walked so fast that I was out of breath. I passed the people I had recognized and arrived at the meeting place, where I pretended to be fine. At least I couldn’t let Lee Hyeon-seong see this side of me.
I slowly went inside and sat in a seat where I could see the entrance well. I had occasionally run into him, so I would be able to recognize him right away.
The place we had agreed to meet today was a pub. Such a place was too much of a choice for us. I was catching my breath and drinking water when it happened. With a small chime, the door opened.
A tall man in a suit walked in. His subtly frowning brow made him look like he had a bad temper. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him make that expression when he was with Gyeoul.
The man with the cold atmosphere was definitely Lee Hyeon-seong.