By Zephyria I had the sweetest dream of my life. I reached out to grasp what was scattering, but instead, it all vanished at my gesture. As if mocking me, not even a trace remained.
〈Yi-tae, let’s be together for a long time. Whatever we do, let’s be together for a long time. Even if we love, ……even if we hate.〉
Not even knowing that my one and only miracle had arrived, I chased after something else and trampled it all down myself. I’ll never, never see him again.
Outside the window, under the dark sky, gray snow fluttered. It was too early in the season for the first snow. The snow, once called romance, was now just dirtied by feet. Rather, it was a useless existence that only hindered and tormented my steps.
The first snow I saw in Gangwon-do was so cozy and pretty…
I clicked the mouse with a self-deprecating smile. The painful times had subsided, and now nothing remained. Even the memories of wanting to die had faded. Yes, time was indeed a medicine. However, everything was erased, and even I disappeared.
To my missed Gyeoul.
I belatedly heard the news that you had left. I can’t feel you anymore. It seems like a lie that I could feel your presence even with my eyes closed. Even if I were beaten to death, I should have stopped you from cutting the red thread between us. ……I miss you. I’m sorry.
I threw the letter I had once written in my notepad straight into the trash. It was a feeling I should never open again. My selfish nature remained even after becoming broken junk. Trash. Self-blame had now become a habit.
No matter how long I lived there, the new house felt unfamiliar. Our house had now become someone else’s home.
‘Not ours either. Gyeoul’s house.’
It took a full year to accept that we could no longer be ‘us.’ It was still ongoing, but at this point, I felt like I could somehow survive. Although some part of me would be forever sick.
How ridiculous it is that the things I did because I wanted to die are making me live.
“Yi-tae, come eat.”
“Yes.”
At my mother’s call, I closed the laptop without hesitation.
I just sent the outsourced work, so I should rest for a while and wait for the results. These days, I earn just enough to live and let the rest of the time flow by aimlessly. I belatedly realized that I was capable of doing that.
Quitting was easy. I could end everything with a single document.
I wish I had known sooner. The saying that the latest time to regret is when you regret is absolutely true.
I left the dark room and headed to the bright dining table where my parents were sitting. Ever since their son came home, the table was always filled with side dishes. I tried to swallow the overwhelming affection. It was unnecessary sentimentality.
I pulled out a chair. The sound of the chair rubbing against the floor was louder than I thought. My father, whose black hair was nowhere to be found, did not look at me despite the loud noise and silently ate his meal.
“Hey, why don’t you go on a trip or something? When else will you have time if not now?”
“Yes, I’ll look into it.”
“Is there anywhere you want to go?”
“I’ll look it up and tell you.”
The conversation didn’t continue. Rather, it seemed like the obedient son couldn’t be a conversational partner for his mother. Perhaps dissatisfied with that, my father clicked his tongue.
I mechanically chewed the food. Gyeoul really liked my mother’s food. It was really delicious back then, but now it felt like swallowing rough grains of sand.
“Why don’t you date someone?”
My father, still not even looking at me, muttered as if reciting. I couldn’t answer that, so I pursed my lips tightly. My father seemed angry at my silence and slammed his spoon down on the table.
However, there was no subsequent scolding. Rather, that made me even more miserable.
Had my father finally noticed? That his son was now sick and could never properly function as a person again. That with emotions that had been cut off somewhere and lost their shape, I couldn’t love anyone. Not even the parents who gave birth to me.
“……The kimchi is delicious.”
“Really? Eat a lot and have more. I made it with only the things you like. You can’t have such a gaunt and ugly face. How did I carry you in my womb and give birth to you?”
Sometimes my mother was so direct that she showed the aspect of a harsh critic. There was not an inch of exaggeration in it.
If my mother said that much, it meant I was really gaunt. That was a bit troubling. Instead of answering, I scooped a large spoonful of rice and shoved it into my mouth.
At that sight, she smiled brightly and nodded.
“Still, it’s good to see you eating well. Honey, why don’t you have another bowl?”
“Honey, when is Yi-hyun coming?”
“Changing the subject. She said she’s arriving in front of the house now. It’s not even a holiday, but it’s so nice to have the house bustling for once. I didn’t realize it, but I guess I’ve been lonely.”
At my mother’s words of happiness, my father gave a warm smile. Happiness hung heavily on his wrinkled eyes. Love was visible.
“You have me, don’t you?”
“That’s true too.”
As if he had never frowned, my father looked only at my mother. That sight was so affectionate that I couldn’t bear to look directly at it.
The visible happiness was too much to bear. I bowed my head and struggled to chew and swallow the sand.
At that moment, Kwon Yi-hyun opened the door and entered the house. Soon, my parents’ attention turned to her. It was really fortunate. I glanced at her and didn’t bother to greet her.
Kwon Yi-hyun suddenly fell into thought as she looked at me, then ran to her mom and hugged her. Her brightly smiling face was covered with pretense. My appetite, which was already gone, completely disappeared, and I ended up quietly putting down my spoon.
“Have you been well? Weren’t you having a hard time because of your son, Mom?”
“Look at what she’s saying. He’s your Hyung. What’s so hard about it? Yi-hyun, why don’t you come and live here too?”
“I’ll think about it when he leaves.”
As always, she confidently used me as a shield. I held back the laughter that was about to burst out because it was so absurd. Pretending like she has no intention of living here at all.
What is she going to do if I really leave, that she keeps clinging to me?
“Keep that promise.”
“No, I said I’ll think about it. What’s it to you?”
Because I’m leaving soon.
Instead of answering, I laughed at her as much as I wanted. Everyone here knew that she had no intention of returning to her parents’ house even if I left, but it was ridiculous how shamelessly she pretended otherwise.
My mother scooped a new bowl of soup and rice and placed it in front of her. Warm steam rose from it.
“Are you two still fighting? How old are you?”
“Don’t lump me in with her, Mom. I don’t want to be treated the same as someone who doesn’t have a decent job at this age and lives off their parents.”
“I gave you 1.5 million won in allowance every month.”
“Oh, you’re the best son. Awesome. Keep doing that in the future.”
Kwon Yi-hyun, who immediately changed her attitude, quickly became quiet as soon as she started eating. Taking advantage of that gap, I cleared the dishes, did the dishes, and left the table.
Coming into the gloomy room, I could finally breathe a little. It was still too bright for me there. Just being under it made my breathing difficult. It felt like my flaws were being exposed one by one.
How long had I been sitting on the bed with my eyes closed? The door burst open and light poured in.
“Are you sleeping?”
“Knock before you come in.”
At my words, Kwon Yi-hyun quickly knocked loudly on the open door and entered the room. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at her, full of complaints.
“How did such a rude bastard come out of such a harmonious and affectionate family?”
“Oh, you’re weird too, so don’t doubt my bloodline.”
Kwon Yi-hyun, who turned on the light and came in, sat on the computer chair and stared at me intently. It was a gaze that wanted to analyze me in any way possible.
“……Is it bearable?”
“Yeah.”
“I heard. Choi Gyeoul isn’t in Korea anymore, Hyung. Are you okay?”
I closed my mouth at the question of whether I was okay.
“I wonder. Am I okay.”
The faint smile on my lips crumbled. I wondered why she bothered to come to her parents’ house on a weekday, but it seemed like she came because she was worried about me. She was a very affectionate child. She probably ran over as soon as she heard the news.
She sighed deeply.
“So what are you going to do? To be honest, there’s no hope anymore, and I want you to live well.”
“Gyeoul said that too. To live well.”
“……Just forget about him.”
That day when I last met Gyeoul, he smiled with a relieved face. As if the memories of tormenting you existed only for me, Gyeoul reached out to me and shook my hand.
Even that was so like you.
〈To be honest, it would be a lie if I said I didn’t hate you, Yi-tae. But I want you to…… live well. Be moderately happy, but not too happy. Because that would make me angry.〉
I tried to keep that promise. If you weren’t in Korea, then I had no reason to be in Korea either. In order for me to live well, I needed your traces. I now knew that happiness itself was Choi Gyeoul to me.
The hope that I might accidentally run into you someday became the driving force that could move me.
“Kwon Yi-hyun. I’m going to America. As soon as possible.”
I raised the corners of my mouth once again and tried to smile as brightly as possible. I hoped this smile would be decent. I hoped that not even a shadow would be cast. So that it would look like I was living well.
If I could deceive Kwon Yi-hyun, then Gyeoul, who I might accidentally run into, would surely be deceived as well.