By Zephyria 
〈You, you, this won’t do. ……Yi-tae. Study hard until the weekend and come back. Got it? Huh? At this rate, you’ll see blood. Seriously.〉
I only nodded at Gyeoul’s urgent voice. When Gyeoul’s finger accidentally brushed against my still throbbing cock, I ejaculated. I couldn’t even put it in…….
Gyeoul’s bewildered gaze still vividly came to mind. As if it were yesterday. It was a shameful memory, but now it only felt sweet.
In fact, it wasn’t even sex. I couldn’t put it in. I acted like I was so good, but I was still a virgin.
“Haa…….”
Gyeoul’s moan from that time was vividly playing in my ear. That day, Gyeoul accidentally pressed the record button, and it came all the way here. It was really fortunate for me, though.
I recalled Gyeoul in the empty bathroom I had fled into, and I vigorously rubbed my cock. I wanted to have sex with Gyeoul. I wanted to be connected anywhere. Now his hole fit my cock perfectly. I could do well according to Gyeoul’s taste, as he wanted…….
Please.
The cold white tiles were dazzling. I closed my eyes and ran towards climax in misery. The moment I heard Gyeoul’s small moan from the recording, I spilled liquid onto the tissue. I leaned my body against the toilet and gasped for breath.
I was truly beyond miserable.
∗ ∗ ∗
After sitting on the bathroom floor for a long time, I finally returned to the hospital room with the creeping self-loathing.
Gyeoul’s youthful voice was still playing in my ears. The stories he told me shone like stars, covering me.
It was so chillingly warm that I wanted to hide somewhere. To a place where neither the sun, the moon, nor the stars could find me.
I lay down on the bed. Even if I didn’t take sleeping pills, I was sleeping more and more. I should use up all my remaining vacation days and then resign. And…….
“Should I just quit everything?”
I couldn’t picture any future. Neither happy nor unhappy. A sense of hopelessness tightened around my throat. Then my thoughts suddenly stopped. As if the circuit had lost power.
What was I thinking about just now?
I focused on Gyeoul’s voice. Yes, this was enough.
[Yi-tae, what do you want to be? First of all, I’m going to try to become a landlord or a rich man. Then I can rent you a house or something. What I mean is, I just got number 30 wrong on the math test? It’s so easy, but I got it wrong, so I don’t want to study anymore. I was wondering if I’m in your future, and I’d like you to tell me. Then I’ll go back to fighting with math. Bye.]
What did I answer? What was clear was that I said Gyeoul would always be in my future. That there was no way you wouldn’t be in my life. But, in the future that had come, you didn’t exist. You left without a trace.
My body sank downwards. I lost control as if my body and soul were separated. Sitting on my dead body, I forgot the sense of time and recalled what I had lost.
Choi Gyeoul.
I quietly stopped breathing. Breathing was already too much, so I suddenly thought that if I held my breath, it wouldn’t be so hard anymore. Gradually, my lungs swelled, and pressure rose through my trachea.
‘Ah, I should transfer the name before I die.’
This was the only gift I could give him. I wanted to leave my trace on you somehow.
And…….
Tears flooded. Something hot kept flowing down. It wasn’t my intention. I couldn’t help but cry because I was so sorry to have to leave you.
Gyeoul, how is the season without me?
I’m too overwhelmed, so I want to let go. Are you happy now? Because I was your unhappiness.
I neatly folded my heart and put another letter in the mailbox that I couldn’t send. No mailmen came here anymore. So, the ownerless letters would be left like this and become old.
The season in the recording was now heading towards spring after passing winter. I could stay there for a while, but it couldn’t be forever.
Because it was already the finished past.
[Yi-tae. It’s finally graduation tomorrow. How do you feel? I feel so strange that I went and drank milk with sweet potatoes. It was sweet. What will it be like to become an adult? Still, I’m so glad I’m going to the same school as you. Even when I become an adult and there comes a time when it’s no longer strange to be alone, I think I’ll be with you. Congratulations on your graduation. See you tomorrow, bye.]
Finally, it was the last one.
Gyeoul’s voice was full of regret. I couldn’t even grant your wish, I.
As I listened to the last file, emptiness slowly rose from my ankles. I vaguely felt that it would be okay to distance myself from life a little.
I turned off the mp3 and tried to keep it safe, but the recording file kept going. There’s no way.
I opened my eyes wide and reached out my hand. It was a light gesture, so much so that the weight that had been pressing down on me earlier didn’t come to mind. If it wasn’t a file I didn’t remember, I could extend my life by that much again.
[Kwon Yi-tae, hello.]
The title that always called me was different. You never called me that until you left me. Goosebumps rose all over my body. My hands trembled.
Is this a gift you’re giving me, or a punishment?
How can I endure the buried longing that is rushing in like a tsunami again? I missed Gyeoul. A pain worse than homesickness struck. Just by receiving one greeting from you.
Just by the fact that you remembered me, I found my lost heart. A youth that was beating fiercely, revealing its presence.
[It’s been so long that I feel strange. I didn’t intend to listen to everything, but when I came to my senses, I was listening to the last voice file.]
Can I interpret it as a positive signal?
……Maybe you’ll come back to me. Maybe you felt like saving my pathetic life. I forgot to breathe and followed your voice with all my senses.
[I have lingering feelings, so I’m doing something like this, and I think you might misunderstand, but if you think about our last moments, I believe you’ll have some shame.]
It pierced my heart coldly. The accusation of being shameless hit the mark.
“……I don’t have that, Gyeoul.”
Only breaths were heard intermittently as if you were choosing your words for a while. I could wait as long as you wanted. Then I realized that I was the one sobbing while panting.
[Well. Actually, I don’t want to guess about your life anymore. So I’m not going to do that.]
Gyeoul, I’m alive, unable to die. So please…… just hold my hand one more time. I’ll do well. I’ll do anything. You don’t have to love me. Just stay where my eyes can reach. Please. I’ll beg like this. I don’t care if I become a beggar. It’s okay if I’m not the owner of a miserable life…….
[I’m doing something stupid because I’m soaked in emotions, so if you’re listening to this voice, you can just turn it off. There won’t be anything important to say.]
How could I do that?
But even that was a result of reality being reflected. There was a time when I mercilessly hung up on your phone. I was severely criticized at work, and while talking to Gyeoul on the phone, I became frustrated and pressed the end button. Even though we were talking for a while.
Is this what karma is? How much more pain was I leaving you with?
[I don’t want to bury what you and I loved as if it never happened. I really want to keep this memory intact. Even though we weren’t the main characters in a movie, we had an amazing love that was at least supporting roles, right?]
Gyeoul was qualified enough to be the main character. Sometimes, when you were exposed to the light, there were moments when Gyeoul scattered like sparkling grains of light. That must be because you are the main character of this world. Beautiful and perfect.
[Take care. If we happen to run into each other someday, I think we can at least say hello then. I was in a lot of pain, and I resented you countless times…….]
My heart stopped at the word “pain.”
Nevertheless, I didn’t feel like dying. If there was a moment when I could run into Gyeoul by chance, I felt like I could live holding on to just that.
You rekindled my expectations for life. With just one voice file that wasn’t even a minute long.
[I hope you’re not sick. Even though you gave me the finger and made me realize a reality worse than a trashy drama, I have a kind heart, so I have to understand, I guess.]
Gyeoul laughed.
[Goodbye, Kwon Yi-tae. I’ll leave you with my last letter and end it. Don’t be happy, just live moderately well.]
With that, no more voices were heard. My whole body tingled. Kind Gyeoul wants a bastard like me to live even after going through such humiliation.
How can you do that?
I remembered that Gyeoul’s breath in the voice continued to tremble slightly. As if being connected to me even for a moment was painful. But still, you put a perfect period on it.
I missed you.
Overwhelmed by the sudden longing, I hurriedly picked up my phone. Yes, there was a reason. I didn’t need a house or anything. It was yours, so I could just give it back to you.
I opened the text window and typed with trembling hands.
[Hello, Gyeoul. How are you? There’s something I want to talk to you about regarding real estate……. It’s unconditionally advantageous to you, so won’t you meet me? Even if it’s just for a little while.]
I was just about to send the text I had written and deleted. The chat window, which seemed like it would never move, suddenly went up. I was so surprised that I stopped breathing. My hands trembled finely.
I haven’t sent mine yet, so the newly appeared square window on the screen must be from you.
The phone fell from my hand with a thud. An unbelievable reality had come.
Choi Gyeoul
[I’ve been assigned to an overseas branch. I think it would be good to take care of the real estate, so can we meet and talk for a while?]
It was an ending more terrible than a death sentence.