By Zephyria I couldn’t find my footing in the endless misfortune, swaying aimlessly. Waves the size of houses crashed incessantly, and I, unable to even cower in silence, could only wait for this storm to pass.
If I hadn’t let go of that hand I had hoped would save me.
Extremely irrational thoughts filled me: if I, who had already lost everything, had sacrificed myself, would something have changed? What a selfish and wicked assumption. Who did I think I was to even dare think that?
I fell lower and lower. I vividly felt the sensation of my whole body falling. It would be nice if I could just die like this. I was merely living like this because I couldn’t even die. I was soaked in emptiness and fear.
“Head of section, are you alright? You don’t look well. You were close, so the shock must be great, right?”
Suddenly, a worry washed over me.
What if my name is in his suicide note?
I didn’t want to be anyone’s cause of death. It would be truly awful for a relationship with someone completely unrelated to be recorded in a deep, hidden place that should only be looked at discreetly…
She patted my arm as if to comfort me. Even that small tremor made me feel nauseous, as if my insides were turning over. I remembered how she had intentionally omitted Young-geol’s documents and hadn’t even apologized.
I turned my head and removed her from my sight. I saw the Assistant manager in the distance, clicking his tongue as if he felt sorry for Young-geol’s empty seat. That man had loudly ridiculed him behind his back, calling him a parachute bastard and an idiot. My esophagus tightened.
My lips were parched.
The last place my gaze landed was on a man who couldn’t hide his disgusted expression on the monitor. He was clenching his lips tightly, as if he were about to throw up, and was angry about something. Ah, that man had jokingly wished for Young-geol’s death, saying he was sick of him.
I couldn’t take it anymore. It was repulsive, ugly, and filthy. Thousands of bugs were crawling from between my toes to my scalp. They were gnawing at my flesh, drawing blood, and making me want to vomit.
“…I’ll be right back, going to the restroom.”
“Ah, yes. Hang in there.”
I saw the look of pity on her face as she looked at me. I couldn’t possibly make a similar face. I couldn’t stand her attitude, as if she understood me.
I turned and walked away as if running. A word stuck in my throat kept irritating my stomach.
Something, something is wrong.
That there won’t be any problems even if one mechanical part is missing. Even if I can’t do my job properly right now, even if the Assistant manager over there suddenly quits, this company will continue to run on its established course. Just like it always has.
I roughly threw open the restroom door. I grabbed the toilet and threw up everything. Because I hadn’t eaten properly, only stomach acid stretched out from the corners of my lips. Haa, haa. I leaned against the wall and gasped for breath.
A chuckle escaped me. She was completely wrong. Understand me? The Woo Young-geol inside me had been dead for a long time. His death didn’t break my heart or plunge me into despair. I wasn’t even sad.
“…You human trash.”
Then what is this feeling? Maybe I’m finally facing my emotions properly. That’s why I can’t stand myself.
I, I mean, I…
I grabbed the toilet again and threw up everything. How nice would it be if I could throw up even this feeling, even my insides? So that it wouldn’t hurt anymore.
‘If you were going to die so futilely like this. If you weren’t going to leave even a trace, not even a scar on the world, you should have done it sooner.’
I held my breath. I mustn’t think about it anymore. I struggled to rebuild my collapsed mind. If my name is in his suicide note, I will swallow it so that no one can see it. So that no one will even know that the suicide note existed in this world.
So, I couldn’t go to his funeral with this ominous feeling.
My eyes were hot. Something streamed down my cheeks. This is why Gyeoul left me. Because I’m not human. Because I’m too easily imagining things that a person shouldn’t even think about.
Even so, I missed Gyeoul.
I missed you, who would cover my eyes with a gentle smile and sing me a lullaby, as if all of this was a nightmare. If I were in Gyeoul’s arms, this desperate reality would feel okay.
I couldn’t believe that I loved you and that you loved me. It all felt like a lie.
I was able to endure until now because I had Gyeoul.
Still, if I could run into Gyeoul again someday by chance… just that assumption made me feel like I could somehow live on. If we’re breathing the same air and walking on the same ground in overwhelming Seoul, then someday, maybe once.
I wiped the tears dripping from my chin with the back of my hand. My chin stung from the rough touch. I covered my salty face with both hands.
How much longer can I endure?
I faintly heard footsteps in the distance. I couldn’t let anyone see me like this. I didn’t want to leave behind any unnecessary misunderstandings. I barely reached out and locked the door. I wanted to hide. Like a turtle, I wanted to curl up inside my shell and never show my face again.
“Head of section. Are you alright?”
The door shook with loud bangs. The fact that someone from the company had come to find me felt like an enormous stress. Suddenly, my stomach ached as if it were being stabbed. I couldn’t even hold onto my sanity. My consciousness blurred and my body tilted to the side.
When I closed my eyes, I remembered Gyeoul smiling brightly.
A chilling cold permeated my body. Even so, I felt like I was finally okay, and I let go of the sanity I had barely clung to. It felt like it would be okay to just die like this.
∗ ∗ ∗
Oppa, you almost died. Do you know that?
“…Yeah.”
Don’t answer so nonchalantly.
I reflexively answered the nagging that continued endlessly and closed my eyes. In the quiet hospital room, I heard the sound of the IV drip falling, drop by drop. I suppressed the urge to pull out the needle and jump out the window and obediently answered my sister’s urging.
“But, Lee Hyun-ah.”
Yeah, why?
“Did I collapse at work?”
It was the first question I asked after a long phone call. That was more important than my physical condition. Whether I had collapsed while working late at the company or barely lost my mind at home. I didn’t want to give the Head of department any more ammunition to use against me.
Lee Hyun sighed deeply at my words. Lee Hyun and Gyeoul had similar personalities. So, Lee Hyun wouldn’t try to sugarcoat things for me either.
You idiot. I went to bring you side dishes at night and found you. Had you been like that since work? If so, you should have crawled to the hospital!
“That’s a relief.”
I retraced my faint memories. Even as I collapsed in the restroom, I seemed to have desperately clung to my sanity in the face of the cold. My colleague had pounded on the door after hearing a loud crash… Ah, I had answered.
〈I’m alright. I just feel sick.〉
〈Ah! …Should I come in?〉
〈Yes.〉
The colleague, who was worried about me with good intentions, had smiled awkwardly and left. Even with the pain that felt like being scratched with an awl, I had stubbornly gotten up, packed my things, and taken a taxi home. Even though my whole body was drenched in cold sweat and my hands were trembling, I had poured everything into not getting caught.
And…
Do you know how shocked I was to find you collapsed in the entryway? You’re dead to Mom now.
“It’s you who’s dead to Mom, not me.”
Shut up. I’m on my way to pack your things, so get some sleep. You’re sleep-deprived, malnourished, and your stomach has a perforation and an ulcer. You’ve got everything.
“It can happen when you work.”
So, are all office workers in the hospital? Get a grip. You maybe… Never mind. Sleep.
Lee Hyun hung up. She probably tried to bring up Gyeoul but stopped herself. She couldn’t not know if she came all the way to my house. I wonder if she contacted Gyeoul. I hope he doesn’t know.
Such a pathetic sight.
Even in this situation, what kind of stubbornness is it that makes me want to be remembered by you as being fairly okay? Maybe, as Gyeoul said, I wanted to keep the memories as beautiful as possible. The image of me in your mind. No, it’s already been ruined beyond repair.
Former lovers who parted ways like the wind.
I squeezed the left hand with the IV drip with my right hand. I had to stop the impulse. Where did things go wrong? Maybe it’s my fault. Because I was trying to blame someone else and find the reason for the change of heart in you.
The rice grain on your lips when you were eating, the crumbs you dropped while eating snacks on the sofa, the way you cleaned it up, the way you smiled at everyone.
Now that I think about it, everything was just lovely.
“…I miss you. Just once.”
I missed those things.
People are so fickle. It’s only at moments like these that I realize that I actually loved even the things that felt like flaws and made me uncomfortable.
I held my breath and lowered my body as the waves crashed in. The pit of my stomach ached. I curled up and exhaled shallow breaths. The wind hitting me head-on was so cold that I couldn’t open my eyes.
If I just die like this…
When did I fall asleep? When I opened my eyes, the sun was setting. A reddish light coldly settled from my head to the blanket.
“You’re awake?”
I slowly blinked my eyes and turned my head in the direction of the sound. Lee Hyun, with a hardened face and her hair tied up tightly, was visible. Judging by her hoarse voice, it seemed like she had been waiting for quite a while.
“…When did you get here?”
“A while ago. You were sleeping soundly. I think it’s because of the medicine.”
There was a sigh mixed in. I quietly closed my mouth and looked at her. Her tired face weighed on my mind. She probably couldn’t rest and came all the way to the hospital because of me. I’m fine even if I’m alone.
It’s funny. That even in this situation, this is the first thought that comes to mind.
“Did you contact the company?”