By Zephyria 
Even with my teasing, Hyeon-seong still didn’t pick up his spoon and looked at me with a serious expression. His worried face showed no sign of leaving. He’d only be relieved if I showed him that I could take care of myself.
Hyeon-seong was always like that. He pretended not to care, but he’d lose sleep over worries, and he acted immature, but he was already far ahead of me.
I really had an amazing friend. A laugh leaked out. Finally, Hyeon-seong picked up his spoon and started eating the soup. My jokes were completely ignored.
“You… you know your parents can get a copy of your family register, right?”
“Ah, that. I’ve already restricted its issuance. There was more than enough evidence of domestic violence, and I recorded all the verbal abuse while packing my things. I went straight to counseling on my way out of the house and applied at the community center. If he knew, he would have come looking for me a long time ago.”
“You’re resourceful.”
I didn’t leave any room for my birth mother to interfere in my life. The money my dad sent, feeling sorry, was still in my account.
I had no intention of pretending that the already collapsed family was okay. My bystander dad, my mom who committed adultery and violence, and me, caught kissing my same-sex lover on the street. We just had to live our own lives.
Without any expectations of each other.
I pushed the hot soup into my already hot stomach. The tip of my nose tingled. I felt like I was going to get a runny nose, so I swallowed it down. They say you get rhinitis if you get a runny nose from eating something hot. Hyeon-seong pushed a tissue towards me. I pulled one out, turned my head, and blew my nose.
“Did she ever contact you?”
“No. Even if she did, I would have resolved it legally.”
“You’re like bean sprout soup. So reliable.”
“But what if he contacted that bastard? Like, he sent you money on your behalf… He’s totally the type to do that. Kwon Yi-tae.”
At the familiar name, my hand paused for a moment. I was secretly trying to take Hyeon-seong’s garlic ham.
Yi-tae… yeah. He might have. He might have secretly sent money, thinking it was for my own good. But that wouldn’t change anything.
No, rather than being touched, I would have been more angry. If he had given me that money directly, I could have at least had some financial therapy for my wounded heart.
Of course, I wouldn’t have accepted it in the end. That wasn’t Kwon Yi-tae’s responsibility.
Hyeon-seong flicked my chopsticks away as they hovered in front of him. If I hadn’t brought up Kwon Yi-tae, I would have already taken it. Hyeon-seong must have realized my intention because he picked up the garlic ham and put it on my plate.
Unknowingly, the corners of my mouth lifted.
“Is that my business? He just paid the price for being stupid and learning a bitter lesson in life. It’s not like I forced him to do it.”
“What if he grabs you and says it was all for you?”
“Eh, no way. He wasn’t that clueless or lacking in judgment. …Probably? Even if he did, he’s not the type to use that as an excuse to grab me.”
“……”
“I’ll confirm it when we meet for the notarization. I won’t leave even a little bit of justification for getting entangled. So don’t look at me with those distrustful eyes. I’m all grown up now, Hyung. I’m a head taller than you.”
The whole time I was talking, something welled up inside me. I suppressed the indigestion with the hot soup. Even if Kwon Yi-tae did it for my sake, he wouldn’t use it as an excuse to act pathetic. At least, that’s how Yi-tae was as far as I knew. Unless he tried to handle everything alone even after we broke up.
That was what I was really upset about…
I didn’t want to think about him anymore. Honestly, it was several times harder than thinking about my birth mother. I had given him that much of my heart.
“…Don’t date anyone for a while.”
“Huh?”
“I can’t, because you have to make up for all the times you didn’t hang out with me.”
Hyeon-seong said nonchalantly and smiled slightly. I teased him for being ugly for a long time, but Hyeon-seong grew up really well, which was rare. He had a glow-up for the better. If you looked at his childhood photos, you’d ask if he had plastic surgery.
“Do you like Hyung that much?”
“……Yeah.”
“Yeah?”
“You know I don’t have any friends. You have to take responsibility and hang out with me.”
I was quite surprised by Hyeon-seong’s sudden words. Hyeon-seong had become sly. I thought he would definitely deny it with disgust, but an unexpected reaction came back. It was a series of sentences he would never say.
Hyeon-seong gave a relaxed smile and leaned towards me.
“Why? Is it weird?”
The morning sunlight shining down was dazzling.
∗ ∗ ∗
This place was inside a deep, dark cocoon.
It was the lowest abyss, where I was curled up, barely catching my breath, wrapped tightly in silk like a protective shield. Something ugly and dirty was watching with its eyes wide open.
I had to hide the evil that was clearer than the countless malicious intentions stabbing at me.
‘You really didn’t know?’
The larva speaks.
‘You felt a strange satisfaction watching Woo Young-geol rely on someone like you. Just to protect your one inferiority complex. What emotions did you feel from that kid who would die if you told him to?’
There was no malice in his words. The sentences pointed only to the truth.
‘You felt inferior because of Gyeoul, who is far superior to you. You ran away from your shrinking self and ended up like this. Am I wrong?’
A cackling laugh echoed across the ceiling. It pierced my ears like a thunderous roar. The auditory hallucinations flowing through my collapsed mind gradually eroded my reason. Water dripped onto the white tiles. A puddle formed, reflecting the collapsed world.
I played a game full of deficits with no equivalent exchange.
I went all-in without even knowing the cards I held arrogantly in my hand. Not knowing that I would be thrown to the bottom in this round. Not knowing that my life would be shattered.
“…I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions.”
I blindly believed that my love was eternal. I didn’t even notice the changed heart and foolishly revealed it as it was. Love was like the sky. Just as there are no two skies of the same color, love changed from moment to moment.
My love now was a deep ink color. A gloomy color that the sun would never shine on again.
Beyond numbness, I had no feeling in my legs. This was just self-consolation. Just in case Gyeoul changed his mind and came back even once. Because I was hateful for leaving an indelible stain on our 14 years of memories, he might come to take revenge on me…
Trapped in a ridiculous fantasy, I was showing him the appearance I wanted to show him for the first time. Kneeling and begging for forgiveness, hitting my head on the floor. If I could be pitied by you like this, if I could get even a handful of anger, I could do anything.
I don’t want to be forgotten by Gyeoul.
I didn’t want to just become a person who passed by like that.
“…Save me.”
I knew it wouldn’t reach you, but I wanted to receive even a grain of affection. Even hatred was fine. I wanted to be by your side like that.
‘Now?’
Saltiness smeared on both cheeks. The wounded areas were so painful that I felt like I was going crazy. I kept thinking about Gyeoul’s eyes, which were more indifferent than the cold floor. The black screen showed no sign of turning on brightly. Everything was cut off.
‘What right do you have to be sad when you’re the one who messed up? Don’t you remember? Honestly, you were probably sick of Choi Gyeoul too. You even suspected love because it made you feel pathetic. It’s disgusting how you’re acting pitiful. Stop it. Stop it and just die.’
A gnawing sound pierced my eardrums. Even when I covered my ears, I could hear the voice. The delusions of grandeur created by my weakened nerves were showing me the reality I had ignored. So that I could never deceive myself again.
I was about to be eaten by the larva that had swollen its body. Just as I was writhing in pain, you came to me like salvation.
Choi Gyeoul
The indifferent three letters on the screen tore through the cocoon along with the cheerful music. I saw a vision of bright light pouring in. Dazzled, I turned my body and desperately picked up the phone. My legs, completely drained of strength, couldn’t withstand gravity and collapsed forward.
My face slammed straight into the hard ground. My cheekbones ached as if they were about to break, but that wasn’t important at all. I trembled as I pressed the receive button. The other person’s voice reached me through the speaker.
Ah, it’s Gyeoul. The real Choi Gyeoul. Not the imagination I created, but my living, breathing Gyeoul.
The vibration that started in my hand spread to my limbs. My joyful eyes trembled and praised him.
“…Gyeoul…?”
I called your name because I couldn’t believe it. It was just one word, but my heart was burning. Could it be that you really called me? For what reason? Could it be that you really felt like sharing even a little bit of emotion with me? My brain floated with anticipation. I couldn’t think. Only because of you, Gyeoul.
“…Oh, hello?”
Soon, my heart shattered into pieces. That voice, which contained no emotion, showed me the cold reality that followed. Unlike me, who was deliriously happy, Gyeoul didn’t seem happy about this call at all. It wasn’t that he was reaching out to me once again to save me.
Only now did the pain gradually increase in size and become prominent. I couldn’t even groan, so I swallowed it down. I had to show you the appearance you would like, even a little bit…
My stomach ached as if it was tearing apart. I curled up my body. I wanted to hold on to the call with Gyeoul somehow. Cold sweat ran down my spine. I was losing body temperature as if I had fallen into the sea. But I couldn’t get out of this swamp.
“…Goodbye, then.”
With Gyeoul’s resolute greeting, I lost consciousness. I felt the expectations I had, however faint, cut off completely.