By Zephyria Gyeoul gazed at me serenely with a clear face. I wanted to throw a stone into the still, motionless lake. I wished for a great wave to rise in Gyeoul, even if just for a moment. The ominous premonition I had felt since dawn was gradually taking shape, its jaws widening as it lunged toward me.
I couldn’t let him be taken away by anyone. I already knew how painful and miserable that would be. Because I had spent countless hours just watching Gyeoul, unable to reach him.
For a very long time after meeting Gyeoul, I had a crush on him. So much so that loving him alone became a habit. We were different from the starting line.
Gyeoul was popular even in his school days. He would throw out light jokes and act quite cheerful, but on the other hand, he was also a kind person. There was no way the people around him wouldn’t know that. Even in the late summer when I first met him, Gyeoul had a girlfriend.
That girl, who was rumored to be beautiful at school, often came to meet Gyeoul when he finished his academy classes. Her name was probably… Kim So-yeon? The reason I still remember her name is probably because the two of them were a well-matched couple. So much so that I couldn’t dare to aspire to him.
Kim So-yeon loved Gyeoul very much. That affection was visible even to my eyes. Whenever I found her waiting in front of the academy, Gyeoul’s eyes shone kindly. Gyeoul would run to Kim So-yeon, forgetting I was there, and hug her tightly.
“So-yeon, did you wait long? I didn’t expect it, but it’s even better to see you. Thank you for coming.”
“Just thinking about seeing you… made waiting exciting and enjoyable.”
After whispering softly with Kim So-yeon for a while, exchanging affectionate words, Gyeoul turned to me only when she pointed at me. He wore an expression of apology for forgetting me, belatedly realizing that I had been waiting for him.
“Yi-tae. I think I should take So-yeon home… Sorry. I should have told you in advance, but I made you wait for nothing. I’ll buy you ice cream tomorrow instead!”
“…Okay.”
Even though I knew I would be rejected by him, I foolishly waited and then turned my heavy steps away. Gyeoul’s voice, shouting goodbye behind my back, followed me.
I couldn’t forget the image of Gyeoul’s lips gently landing on Kim So-yeon’s cheek. Like a stretched tape rewinding in slow motion.
From then on, I was already gradually giving my heart to Gyeoul. Without me knowing, slowly. Even though I already knew that I would never have a chance, I couldn’t stop. Like a drizzle that gradually soaked me. My love was falling so thinly. Because Gyeoul was someone I couldn’t help but love.
Gyeoul and Kim So-yeon often fought, and then quickly reconciled within a few hours. They mainly fought over very trivial things, and Gyeoul usually gave in. As if it were a matter of course. Gyeoul had no intention of winning the fight with Kim So-yeon from the start.
Jealous of that sight, I pretended not to notice my overflowing heart and asked Gyeoul. Looking back now, it was rude to the point of overstepping my bounds. As if I were something. Because I wanted to be something to him. So… I wanted my words to break them up.
Even though I didn’t even know I was in love with Gyeoul.
“Gyeoul, you’re too good for her.”
“Huh?”
“She’s the one who did wrong, but why do you always apologize first?”
That day, he had fought with Kim So-yeon and suggested that we go out together after my academy supplementary class was over. Gyeoul turned around after hearing my words, which I had thrown out as if I had no intention, as if it were just pure curiosity. With a cold popsicle in his mouth and his unique languid face.
The sound of crickets chirping rang out. Blink. Gyeoul slowly closed and opened his eyes. Not a single car passed on the road. Only the two of us stood in the city filled with silence.
“You know… I like that side of her too. So-yeon only shows me that kind of grumbling.”
“……”
“It’s hard to understand, but. Um, I just want to give her everything. Am I a little… weird?”
Gyeoul smiled awkwardly. Even at night, the summer night was still hot and humid. It was hard to breathe in the heat that pressed down on my whole body. A hot wind parted and passed between us.
His deep eyes, deeply lost in thought, were looking at the night sky. I quietly captured such Gyeoul in my eyes. He resembled a night when snow falls quietly.
“Shall I tell you one of my secrets, Yi-tae?”
Gyeoul, still not looking at me, threw out in a calm voice. I couldn’t refuse it. I couldn’t push away that voice, which contained no emotion and had only an empty echo. I wanted to embrace it. Gyeoul, acting as if nothing was wrong, felt very unfamiliar.
When I didn’t give him much of an answer, Gyeoul continued.
“My parents don’t get along at all. …It wouldn’t be strange if they got divorced soon. When they fight, the household collapses and we’re about to end up on the streets.”
“……Okay.”
I wanted to answer somehow. Even if it was just a burdensome response of a single syllable.
“But I still believe that love exists. No, I wish it would exist. A love that warms the heart… like something out of a drama. You could call it fate.”
Gyeoul raised his pinky finger. He wiggled it as if a red thread was tied to it. Gyeoul closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His chest swelled little by little until his air-filled chest could be heard. He filled his whole body with air and inhaled as if he would burst.
Puhah, the burst of breath scattered. Gyeoul emptied all his breath and smiled mischievously at me.
“Yi-tae, you’ve grown up. You’re worried about me too, is Hyung very reliable?”
“…No, you’re like a pushover.”
Those words weren’t said with such good intentions. I looked down at the bumpy sidewalk, trying to hold back my expression from distorting. Gyeoul, who had been laughing loudly at my answer, slowly stopped laughing. Like snow that lightly landed on my shoulder. Gently.
“Am I a pushover? Maybe I am. I end up giving everything to my girlfriend. I don’t think it matters who wins or loses…”
Then, you don’t like her that much? You’re just giving in because she’s your girlfriend. Then… you’re like that to anyone who’s your girlfriend, you are.
I swallowed the bitter question that lingered in my mouth. Even while listening to Gyeoul’s inner thoughts, I only came up with such ugly thoughts.
I desperately wanted to get an answer from Gyeoul that Kim So-yeon was not a special person. I barely held back what I wanted to vomit out. Because even if I heard the answer to that question, I wouldn’t have a chance.
Gyeoul turned back again, leaving me who didn’t say anything. He jumped up onto the low wall, which was located a little higher than the sidewalk, and carefully took one step at a time, as if walking on a tightrope.
He tilted his body a little, then regained his balance and moved forward. I stared blankly at his back, which seemed much wider than it actually was. My heart was beating low and constantly. I wanted to hug your back.
Gyeoul and So-yeon broke up on a cold winter day a few months later.
I didn’t hear about the circumstances of the breakup, but it didn’t seem like they broke up on bad terms. The two of them often smiled and greeted each other whenever they happened to meet in the hallway.
Gyeoul was no different whether he was in a relationship or not. I pretended to be a friend to his so peaceful self and asked. Whether he regretted breaking up. Gyeoul was clearly fond of Kim So-yeon when they were dating. I didn’t know the depth of that affection, but his feelings for her were a clear fact.
“Regret?”
Gyeoul laughed as if he were hearing something really absurd. He laughed for a long time, bending over to the point where tears welled up in his eyes. Gyeoul, who wiped away his tears, soon looked at me with a face like a spring that had been reflected sometime. His calm and deep eyes still had a kind temperature.
“If I had liked So-yeon more or less, maybe I would have.”
“……”
“But I think I liked her enough. Just that much… Yeah, I only liked her that much. Enough to leave no residue in my heart. So I don’t regret it at all.”
That voice was very firm and felt like a confession. He didn’t show even an inch of regret. For some reason, Gyeoul felt very distant.
I had a feeling that I wouldn’t be able to confess to him. Because I couldn’t know what temperature Gyeoul would love me with… No, because he wouldn’t love me. Maybe fear came first. Concluding that Gyeoul would have no heart to give me.
What if Gyeoul’s heart is all used up?
Then… would you leave that love and leave suddenly?
I didn’t want to remain as such a relationship with Gyeoul. If love is something that will run out someday for you, I want to be by your side without being loved, I had such a foolish thought. Even though it’s not something that happens just because I want it to.
He started a new relationship a few months later. And after spending several seasons, he broke up with a refreshing feeling. I remained by his side, gradually growing my heart.
One season passed, and another year passed… I silently guarded his side, knowing full well where my love was flowing. Until it had been exactly seven years. It was fine even if people said I was foolish.
Because the winter when you faced me finally arrived for me.
Suddenly, I realized that my breathing was rapid.
Those insensitive eyes of Gyeoul… were too familiar. Like Gyeoul on a certain day when he even felt relieved.
“What’s so important about that, Yi-tae.”