#188

“…That’s also myself.”

Upon hearing my answer, the House Lizard pulls a book from the bookshelf.

As it shakes the spine, single pages flutter down onto the table like fragments.

The House Lizard smiles faintly and arranges the pages in a fan-like spread, similar to a hand of cards.

“Now, these are the severed moments. I have selected only the parts where your trajectory changed. What would you like to see?”

“From the first meeting.”

I am curious about how I managed to catch Athanas’s attention.

As I pick up the first page, my vision suddenly shifts.

‘Where am I?’

It is the basement stairs of the Branch Office.

I try to look around, but my field of vision doesn’t change even when I turn my head.

It feels exactly like watching a video recorded from a first-person perspective.

‘This is the moment I was debating whether to go down to the basement or not.’

「Fuck, this is terrifying.」

My voice echoes like a narration.

It seems that the thoughts in my head are heard this way.

「Of course, this isn’t a horror game, so nothing like that will actually happen, but…」

‘…This is a bit boring. Can I watch this in fast-forward?’

Since I am currently ‘reading’ time that has already been severed.

The moment I think that, the scenes skip forward rapidly, as if jumping over sentences.

‘Until Athanas appears.’

「“…Do you have business down here?”

“Hwaaaak!”

“My apologies. It seems I startled you quite a bit.”

“…Ah.”

“Ah?”

Athanas!!」

‘…That first meeting was even more pathetic than I expected.’

To almost tumble over in shock the moment someone spoke to me, and then to be utterly aghast upon seeing the face of the person who saved me.

I feel a wave of shame washing over me.

‘Is this why he wanted me to realize he was a suspicious guy?’

Why on earth did he overanalyze the simple act of pouring water?

And what was I thinking, spitting out water just because he asked if we’d met before?

A sigh escapes me involuntarily.

‘If my mental strength had been just a little higher, I wouldn’t have reacted so foolishly.’

Wait, what if I use something like a mental strength buff via ‘self-suggestion’ on myself right now?

I just need to reduce the amplitude of my emotional reactions.

It’s not even that serious.

They say psychiatric medication is one of the most prescribed drugs in the modern world.

Just as if I had taken an anti-anxiety med or a beta-blocker.

If only I could be slightly less swayed by my emotions…

「“…I wish to apologize.”」

「“I wanted to find out if you knew about [Regression].”」

「“If you are someone whose memories remain even when time turns back, then my explaining it this way could serve as a starting point for gaining your trust, would it not?”」

‘Oh boy.’

What if the person listening to that explanation had been a Distorted One or the Mother God?

The moment they heard he possessed Regression, they might have jumped at the chance to manipulate him as they pleased.

‘You must absolutely hide your trump cards.’

He seemed to have used his head in his own way, but his behavioral patterns were like a teenager who had just discovered they had superpowers.

Of course, it is those reckless and brave teenagers who end up saving the world.

An adult plagued by distrust of humanity would just dig a bunker to live alone if they thought the world was ending.

「“…The ability to turn back time is a frightening thing. It means that no one will ever know what I have done, does it not? I fear the moment will come when I can no longer treat a human as a human.”」

‘It’ll just become something that never happened anyway.’

「“But I remember. I remember that I committed a wrong. My mistaken actions do not vanish. What vanishes is the opportunity to beg for forgiveness for those wrongs.”」

‘…How stiff.’

If I hadn’t stupidly called out to the Saintess back then, would my connection with Athanas have ended right here?

I wonder what would have happened to the ‘me’ who didn’t make that mistake…

“Fabio.”

The House Lizard called me in a soft voice.

“If you do not wish to lose the coordinates of where you must return, do not expand your own definition of justice too far.”

“…I get it.”

I quietly continue reading the ‘time that became nothing.’

They say life is a tragedy when seen up close, but a comedy when seen from afar.

Watching myself tremble while imagining all sorts of terrible things, even though Athanas hadn’t done anything yet, was truly, incredibly embarrassing.

‘Should I write that I don’t feel shame for a while?’

No, seriously.

I don’t have the courage to watch this until the end.

I grit my teeth.

‘…No, I only feel embarrassed because I recognize that person as me.’

If I remove the emotion of ‘shame,’ I will lose continuity with my past self.

To know what happened, I have no choice but to endure this shame.

I take a deep breath and pick up the next fragment.

Tertius is suddenly pointing a sword at Athanas.

‘What?’

I have no inkling of how it came to this.

「Fuck, what is going on?」

It seems ‘I’ also have no idea what the current situation is.

Listening to Tertius interrogate Athanas, I could roughly guess what happened.

‘Did I get caught by an apostle while tailing him?’

A hollow laugh escaped me at the scene where I claimed to love Fabio to avoid the crime of fabricating Valentine’s revelation, only to be caught in a lie.

‘I guess I didn’t know how to deceive the apostle of emotion yet.’

Of course, ‘I’ am too panicked and my mind is such a mess that I cannot think that the current situation is funny.

「This… this is a rigged test, right? You’re checking to see if I remember shouting ‘Die Heretic!’, right?」

‘I’ am desperately racking my brain.

Even if it were a test, if it’s discovered later that I have the memories of a ‘player,’ the fact that I pretended not to know now would be treated as a grievance.

If the Church of Order is the kind of place that tests people to this extent, it’s bound to be exposed eventually.

So, perhaps voluntary confession is the best bet.

Above all, if this isn’t a rigged situation…

「I must stop Athanas from dying!」

After agonizing, ‘I’ throw myself forward to block the incoming blade.

The flashback cuts off abruptly.

‘…What?’

He turned back time here?

‘He used Regression because he didn’t expect me to jump in?’

As soon as I pick up the next page, Athanas is looking at ‘me’ with a confused expression.

He seems to want to ask why I acted that way.

‘But asking now is useless.’

Because it wasn’t ‘me’ who blocked Athanas.

Athanas hesitates, then lets ‘me’ go.

And the situation I saw earlier repeats.

Athanas is caught tailing, and receives the ‘condemnation’ of the apostle for the crime of fabricating Valentine’s revelation.

‘I’ rack my brain desperately and reach the same conclusion.

「“Stop!!”」

‘…Wow.’

Did he intentionally create the same situation just to see if I would jump in front of the sword again?

Well, if an interesting event pops up and I accidentally quick-load and miss it, I’d try to pick the same options as much as possible.

Even if it’s an event I don’t like and I load a save without saving, I’d still be curious about the content.

‘But this isn’t a game.’

Listening to the narration of ‘me’ jumping in front of the sword, trembling at the thought that Athanas might actually die, made the whole situation feel like a massive deception.

‘To a Regression user, other people must really look like NPCs.’

Athanas eventually hears the words ‘Savior of Order’ from me.

‘A sword is stuck in his thigh, and he’s still just asking questions. Isn’t his mentality already that of a Heretic Butcher?’

And then, he asks me—who is blurting out anything because my mind is blown—to become his ‘collaborator.’

‘As if I’d agree to that.’

I’d rather bite my tongue and die.

Well, I eventually end up collaborating later…

‘…How did we end up in that kind of relationship?’

I think I was the one who approached Athanas first.

I was scared to go down to the Branch Office basement alone, so I gave some ridiculous excuse and asked him to come along.

Then, because Athanas got hurt by a trap set by another player, I remembered that I felt I couldn’t leave him without knowing anything, so I revealed my identity.

‘And all of that was Athanas’s staged play?’

How should I put it…

It’s a strange feeling.

I clearly judged rationally and made the best choice, but in reality, I wasn’t the one who chose that option.

It should be a great shock, yet there isn’t even a ripple on the surface of my emotions.

It’s like looking at a photo where the face has been cut out.

I cannot tell if the person in the photo is handsome or ugly, smiling or frowning.

The empty space just gives an uncomfortable feeling.

‘It is a bit unsettling.’

The ‘Regression holder’ turns back time and immediately clings to me, spilling everything.

Even if I say I don’t want to, he shows no sign of letting go.

‘I’ hesitate, ask for some time to organize my thoughts, and in the moment my body is free, I smash the stained glass of the Branch Office.

「“If you don’t turn all of this back to nothing, I will jump right now!”」

I say that, but I have no intention of actually jumping.

If Athanas leaves without turning back time, I’ll just die for nothing; why would I take such a risk?

‘…That’s a behavior born from judging him as an easy target.’

Because he spoke openly about Regression and wanted to give me trust, he was looked down upon.

If he’s a rookie who seriously wants to make a heretic his comrade, showing such strong resistance might make him give up entirely.

Seeing ‘me’ making such a naive calculation, a sigh escaped me involuntarily.

‘Nope.’

Athanas hesitates, then uses ‘Regression’ again.

This time, instead of talking about Regression, he pretends it’s unrelated and pours out his worries.

「“…I fear that the person who learns the truth will be terribly afraid of me, hate me, and despise me.”」

‘Can’t he just give up on me?’

He could just find another collaborator instead of a Chanter with a Regression phobia.

I don’t know why he’s so obsessed with ‘Fabio.’

Of course, since I was the first ‘clue’ he encountered, it might be a waste to let me go.

‘I should have told him back then that a person must also know how to give up.’

Watching him advise adding more firewood beneath the pot, not knowing he himself is the one being boiled, made my head ache.

「“…Because as a human, they will eventually realize. That what you did for me was not deception, but salvation.”」

‘Oh boy.’

He eventually says those words.

「[SYSTEM: ‘Athanas’ has been deeply influenced by your words!]」

「‘As expected, he is influenced by these words.

It’s only natural.

Because these are the words Saintess Adelaide said to Heretic Inquisitor Athanas.’」

‘So that was the moment he was influenced.’

No wonder.

The notification that he was influenced never popped up, so I thought Athanas was just ignoring the words of a heretic bastard.

“Then when did I get Forced Persuasion?”

It was a mutter close to talking to myself, but the House Lizard suddenly answered.

“It is here.”

I absentmindedly take the paper the House Lizard offers.

My vision shifts again.

This time, it’s a familiar place.

‘I’ am studying doctrine in Andrea’s office.

While taking notes on a wax tablet, I grumble inwardly about what the Pioneer of Civilization players are doing, not even mass-producing paper.

Into that quiet and boring space, an armed uninvited guest suddenly bursts in.

「“Fabio!”

“Athanas? What brings you here all of a sudden….”」

‘I’ stand up abruptly in surprise.

Why Athanas? No, no matter how urgent the matter, he should at least knock and ask for permission. Bishop Andrea is here, and to be so rude…

The thought doesn’t finish.

From Andrea’s neck, blood sprays out like a fountain.

A passage suddenly comes to mind: that because the human heart is a powerful pump, blood splashes further than one might think when an artery is severed.

On the opposite side, Athanas is lightly shaking the blood off his sword.

This entire motion is as natural as putting an umbrella in an umbrella stand upon entering a shop.

‘Athanas… killed Andrea?’

Why?

When did this happen?

「“What, what have you just done?!”」

‘I’ scream, fallen into shock.

But I feel no emotion.

‘Should I… turn on the emotions?’

I cannot tell what expression Athanas is making.

I cannot see him clearly.

He looks like a pitch-black shadow.

「“…I can explain.”」

The shadow begins an explanation.

He says he saw Andrea trying to kill me.

A scoff escapes me. That’s impossible. Bishop Andrea cherished me so much.

‘He was hit by a Distortion because his mental strength was low.’

Even though ‘I’ kindly explained that must be the case, the ‘Regression holder’ stubbornly refuses to undo Andrea’s death.

「“I will not use it because I believe this situation is currently the best.

“…This is the best? Are you saying that sincerely?”

“I am sincere in thinking this is the best. Because you are alive, unhurt, safe… and you are trying to trust me.”」

‘…How could anyone trust that?’

The man himself is currently hit by a Distortion and cannot distinguish right from wrong.

It is a lamentable thing that a terrifying power like ‘Regression’ fell into the hands of someone who cannot use it properly.

‘I’ also cannot trust him.

At least, I cannot accept the current situation.

「Why? Why? Why? Why won’t he use Regression? Why….」

‘I’ feel a terrible, desperate emotion that I must persuade Athanas somehow.

The moment a qualified person harbors an intense desire.

That is when a miracle occurs.

‘I obtained Forced Persuasion at this point.’

‘I’ look at the skill description and quickly deduce that Athanas must have already been influenced by me.

「If I push him until he cannot refute….」

I can turn this moment back.

That single thought fills ‘my’ head.

「“…It is all my fault. Fabio, please forgive me.”

Forgiveness?

There is no need for forgiveness.

Because this will be made to have never happened.」

‘I’ feel a sense of relief.

「Nothing has gone wrong yet.

“Athanas, this is not the best. You did not do your best.”

I just have to persuade him.

“What do you mean by the best? To say that killing Andrea was the best, shouldn’t you have tried other things? Ask him something before killing him. Pretend you don’t care whether I live or die, fish for information by saying you’ve already secured Adelaide’s safety, or even pretend to be controlled by another Watched One. There are so many things you could do. How can you say this is the best without trying any of those?”

“…How many times do you want me to watch you die?”

“Why does it matter if I die?”」

‘I’ laugh. Because it’s ridiculous.

「“You killed Andrea so effortlessly just now.”」

Athanas argues that it’s different.

But ‘I’ have no intention of listening to that rebuttal.

Because Regression can only turn back time by a mere one hour.

「“What makes it different when someone you know dies? No, of course it does. I forgot that you are only twenty years old. You probably haven’t had Regression for long. Even with high mental strength, it only reduces the probability of developing a mental illness; it’s not complete immunity. I just remembered that sometimes people develop mental illnesses despite low odds. I understand. You’re in shock right now, aren’t you? You’ve developed a trauma? It seems so.”」

‘My’ hand cups Athanas’s face.

「“Athanas. Look at me. I’m alive. I didn’t die. So why are you so averse to the scene of my death?”」

「“Believe that the vanished time is truly gone. Do you think it’s efficient to suffer by recalling the death of a person you failed to save, even after you’ve actually saved them? Even while that person is breathing right in front of you?”」

As if in pain, Athanas’s face contorts.

‘…Andrea looked like that when he was hit by Forced Persuasion too.’

「“Shall I tell you how to stop the pain?”」

「“Use Regression. And watch me die again. It is fine if you do not gain anything from it. Just watch. There is something called exposure therapy among the methods to overcome trauma. To put it simply, you must face what you fear in order to overcome that fear. Anything becomes familiar if you repeat it. That is how humans are designed. So, the second time will be more bearable. The third will be even easier. Repeat it until it no longer affects you. Then, everything will be alright.”

“…Fabio. I think it would be best for you to calm down a bit.”

“Calm down? I am as calm as can be. You are the one who needs to calm down. You are the one suffering from a Status Condition, Athanas. Trauma does not disappear even with the Blessing of Consolation. In fact, it worsens when the trigger is pulled. Exposure therapy is the only way to eliminate trauma. Do you understand?”

“…I do not want to become accustomed to such things. I do not want to become numb. I… I do not want to become the mad slayer that you fear.”

“Athanas. You must overcome that fear. Use Regression. Do as I say.”」

「“Are you still not convinced? I understand. I will explain it to you step by step.”」

「“‘I did my best back then. Therefore, I will no longer be bound by the past….’ This kind of mindset is a very good and healthy way of thinking. The reason people ruminate on past memories is so they do not repeat the same mistakes when similar things happen in the future. Therefore, continuing to dwell on the past even after obtaining a new behavioral guideline is a pure waste of time. Because what has happened cannot be changed. Even if it wasn’t the best, it is more efficient to consider it as such.”

「“However, that is the mindset of those who cannot change the past, those who only experience time once.”」

「“You must not be like that.”」

「“Why do you think such Divine Power was given to you? It is because you must save this world.”」

‘My’ words continue endlessly.

How terrible a hell the world would become if it fell into the hands of the Distorted One, how important a person Adelaide is, how terrible it is to waste opportunities….

Athanas’s fear, relief, and firm resolve are nothing more than a ‘temporary shock.’ If he fails to use Regression because of such a shock, it will result in defeat by the Distorted One. That is exactly what the Distorted One wants. Standing still in defeat is not permitted. Not for Athanas. Because Athanas has a responsibility. The responsibility of one born with the fate to save the world. The responsibility that a person possessing the power to do so must rightfully bear. A responsibility from which one cannot escape….

「“No matter where you flee, you cannot escape from yourself.”」

「“Can you not feel how desperately I am trying to persuade you? I am begging you to use Regression before it becomes irreversible. Please, Athanas.”」

「“If you do not turn back time, I will not be able to stop thinking that there might have been a different outcome. Eventually, I will come to regret meeting you altogether. You were meant to be a savior; perhaps I am the one who ruined you? If I hadn’t been here, none of this would have happened. If I hadn’t said I would cooperate with you, if I hadn’t doubted the Order, no, if I hadn’t come here wanting to live in the first place…”」

「“Athanas, if you do not use Regression, this moment will become my nightmare.”」

「“Is that what you want?”」

「“Athanas.”」

「“Use Regression.”」

「“And do not let me know that Regression exists.”」

‘…I think he’s completely lost his mind.’