By Zephyria 
If there was one thing Eun-ha, who drifted through time without dreams, hope, or any will of his own, clearly pursued, it was ‘living like a normal person.’ To be precise, looking as if he were living normally.
As long as he maintained the minimum boundaries he had set for himself, Eun-ha actually didn’t want to do anything. Waking up early in the morning, eating meals on time, commuting regularly, forcing himself to go for walks…
But something that didn’t even do those things probably couldn’t be called a human being. If that happened, a huge problem would arise. His friends would end up having something non-human as a friend, and his Mom would become the person who gave birth to something worse than sub-human. The nutrient that kept Eun-ha functioning socially was that sense of vigilance. Not necessarily being wonderful, but at least not being an embarrassment. Acting his age. Living like a person.
Of course, at some point, Yeon-jun was included in that target. Eun-ha was eight years older than Yeon-jun, and the boy was only a college freshman—and their lover, at that. A boy who was like a specimen of the socially ideal human image.
Eun-ha sincerely, with all his heart, wanted to show him the best version of himself possible. Even if a certain portion had already been exposed and ruined. In the aspects that were still salvageable, he wanted to put in what one might call effort. Like other ordinary, peaceful people. Like a normal person.
However, desire and reality always operated separately. Maintaining a peaceful mind was incredibly difficult. Even when there were no problems, subversive thoughts would suddenly surge up like impulses. While living his daily life, he would suddenly want to grab the boy like a madman and ask: Do you really like me? Why do you like me? What reason could you possibly have to like someone like me? How long do you think you can keep liking me? We’re going to break up someday. Eventually, we’ll break up…
Then, he would quickly become fine again. At the way Yeon-jun looked at him with gentle eyes. At a single fragment of a voice that was habitually affectionate. At the replies to messages that never took more than a minute. His mood swung back and forth like that several times a day.
So, at some point, he abruptly declared a breakup. There wasn’t a clear reason; he was just walking quietly along the river when a desire to run away suddenly flared up like a wildfire. It was an exceptionally pleasant and mild night. Paradoxically, that pleasant weather left a painful sensation. The cool, soft breeze clinging to his cheeks evoked a twisted state of mind.
Eun-ha couldn’t pinpoint the exact cause, but he could make a comparison. It was like the feeling he often experienced when he perceived Yeon-jun’s existence. A kind of terrible emotion that would often rain down upon him whenever he looked at the boy, who was miraculously kind, sweet, and upright.
The foundation of the urge to flee was likely of a similar nature. So, perhaps, it was an emotion close to self-loathing.
Because it felt as though he were clearly realizing that he was not a righteous person.
He thought it was truly the end this time. But Yeon-jun came back. He hugged Eun-ha, who struggled in refusal, and whispered that he loved him. Even though the breakup had been declared without rhyme or reason, he acted as if it hadn’t affected him at all. Instead of shaking off all affection and turning his back, he was like… a voodoo doll…
“Hyung.”
And so, it was back to daily life. As if the past week had been nothing more than a brief deviation.
A pitch-black night. Feeling languid after sexual intercourse, Eun-ha stared blankly out the window. He reviewed the day that had passed. He had cried pathetically out of a stifling and sorrowful heart, fallen fast asleep just like that, and then woke up to a hand waking him. When he slowly regained consciousness, he was lying in bed. Held in Yeon-jun’s arms.
While trying to grasp the situation in a half-asleep haze, he got ready for work after a notification from Yeon-jun saying he was a bit late. As he washed up and changed clothes, Yeon-jun popped a piece of toast into his mouth and handed him a tasteless health juice. After he finished drinking it instinctively, Yeon-jun gave him his supplements. Then, instinctively again, he went to work.
Since it was the weekend, the boy followed him to the shop. While Eun-ha tended to the plants and manned the counter, the boy helped trim the plants, watched Eun-ha from a seat that was practically his own designated spot, and exchanged brief words with the part-timers he had become acquainted with by visiting the cafe. Watching that peaceful scenery, Eun-ha felt a sense of dissatisfaction swelling inside him for no apparent reason.
‘Let’s eat, Hyung.’
That continued until dinner time. As he lay sprawled on the sofa like a piece of laundry with a dismal mood, Yeon-jun called him over. That damn food. Food. Food… He wasn’t hungry and was too lazy to move, but under a gaze he could clearly feel, Eun-ha eventually trudged toward the dining table. The table was filled with menus from restaurants he liked. Yeon-jun had packed plenty of food on his way back from the gym.
Eun-ha continued his meal amidst the growing dissatisfaction. After picking at his food without enthusiasm, he suddenly blurted out.
‘I really loved my ex-boyfriend. Almost like he was my life.’
It was an abrupt topic, and Yeon-jun slowly stopped his movements, merely lifting his eyelids to stare at Eun-ha. He didn’t offer any particular answer. Eun-ha continued calmly. He hadn’t brought it up expecting a response.
‘I acted as if I’d give him my liver and gallbladder. After burning everything up like that, I started thinking.’
‘…’
‘That I don’t think I can ever love someone like that again. That I’ve grown sick of the very act of dating.’
‘…’
‘It was actually true. No matter who I met, I couldn’t immerse myself at all. When someone said they liked me, it just seemed ridiculous. It didn’t really sink in. It all felt like a joke…’
‘…’
‘In the end, it means our relationship won’t be much different. You won’t be any different. Doing this might be a truly futile effort.’
‘…’
‘I’ll never be able to forget that person for the rest of my life anyway, and I can’t love you the way I loved him. You won’t be able to get past that person.’
‘…’
‘And you already know it. That you like me more.’
‘I know.’
Why the hell did he answer so promptly? Eun-ha, who momentarily showed a complicated expression, soon composed his face and continued.
‘Anyway, that’s how it is. Yeon-jun.’
‘…’
‘Take it to heart. Please.’
‘I understand.’
‘Right.’
‘…’
‘Did you really understand?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then what?’
‘What about what?’
‘…Do you feel like you’re losing affection for me now?’
Yeon-jun’s eyes curved into a subtle smile, and with a perfectly serene face, he answered.
‘No. I like you more. Because I’ve gotten to know more about you, Hyung.’
‘…You’re really not normal…’
Eun-ha muttered in a limp, drained tone. He wore an openly fed-up expression. Why are you really like this? I truly don’t understand you… He listed a string of criticisms, but Yeon-jun treated them as white noise, focusing his attention on only one point.
‘I get all that, but don’t sneakily put your utensils down.’
‘…’
‘You’ve only eaten a quarter of your meal.’
‘Ha… are you my nutritionist or something…?’
Yeon-jun smiled silently with his eyes. Eun-ha expressed himself in a voice devoid of a single grain of energy.
‘I want to break up…’
As expected, it seemed they should break up. And Yeon-jun acted as if he hadn’t heard a thing. Like someone who actually didn’t hear. Then, leaving behind Eun-ha who was trudging toward the sofa to collapse, he washed up and came out. He slid his hands into both sides of Eun-ha’s waist, who was still sprawled out lifelessly. Adjusting his position to lie down, he cast a shadow over him. Burying his lips against those lips, he embraced his entire body. Even with a still lifeless complexion, Eun-ha habitually wrapped his arms around his neck. Like that for several hours.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?”
It was while he was lying on his side facing the window, blinking quietly. Yeon-jun, who had been lightly wrapping an arm around his waist, suddenly clung to Eun-ha more tightly. He buried his lips in the nape of his neck and nibbled lightly. Eun-ha replied dryly.
“I can’t sleep.”
“Why can’t you sleep…?”
It was a voice tinged with worry. Eun-ha squeezed his dry eyes shut and then opened them. In truth, sleep was washing over him. Out of the past week, there was only one day he hadn’t slept soundly, and Yeon-jun, who was practically his natural sleeping pill, was hugging him tightly.
But if he fell asleep like this, tomorrow morning Yeon-jun would make that tasteless juice again, they would leave the house side by side, and they would eat together. It would just drift away vaguely like that. Peacefully. Peacefully.
Could it really be peaceful like that forever?
Not at all. Similar problems would erupt time and time again. Having made up his mind, Eun-ha spoke.
“I’m not normal.”
“…”
“I really am. I’ve lived like that for a few years. For a stupid reason, like being dumped by a lover.”
“…”
“Gu Hae-bin says I’m sick. Especially when it’s bad, he nags me to go to a psychiatrist, but I didn’t go. I really hate psychiatrists. My Mom probably dragged me to over ten different psychiatrists, saying homosexuality is a sin. Once, I was even locked in a closed ward, and since then, I’ve truly hated it. Just the word ‘psychiatric’ makes me feel sick.”
“…That happened?”
He could vividly feel the body pressed closely behind him stiffen. Pushed by the slight increase in strength in the arm around his waist, Eun-ha spoke.
“…For about five days. Then Mom came to get me again soon after. Crying her eyes out. So it became okay.”
Yeon-jun was silent for a while, then spoke in a low voice.
“You said it became okay.”
A flat voice without inflection. At the same time, a voice with a very faint trace of a smile. He knew it wasn’t a positive reaction. It was the attitude of someone who didn’t believe it at all.