By Zephyria 
I continued speaking. I poured the words out as if vomiting them.
“Of course, I believe you when you say you won’t leave me. You never break your word once it’s spoken. But you could still hold someone else in your heart without leaving me. You like… cute people. You like children more, and people who are gentle, quiet, and don’t throw tantrums… You like people like that.”
“That is.”
I’m not cute, I’m not younger than you, I’m not naturally gentle, and I’m not that quiet. Every single day, I want to throw a tantrum, begging you to love me more, and I want to hold onto you so you never go anywhere. I follow you around like a puppy, constantly scheming about how I can get you to kiss me and love me. Sometimes I almost lose my mind because I want to crawl into your bed…
“Just liking each other isn’t enough. I want to be your lover, Mika. I want you to give that place to me. The fact that I like you, and the feelings you have for me…”
At some point, the words jammed in my throat. Suddenly, I felt a lump. I was speaking just fine; I didn’t know what was coming over me. But it happened. Tears felt as if they were about to surge up.
I was still gripping Mikael’s hand tightly. I felt ashamed, as if those clear eyes staring calmly into my face were scraping through and examining even my filthiest inner thoughts.
Mikael gave a small laugh.
“…Very well.”
“…”
“…”
“…Is that it?”
“Yes. If those are the feelings you spoke from, you may continue.”
“…Huh?”
Did I hear that correctly?
While I was momentarily dazed, Mikael smiled softly. It was a smile so radiant it felt as if it would melt everything, and it took my breath away. As he gently rubbed the joints of my fingers, which were sore from gripping too hard, and wrapped his hand warmly around mine, I felt as though I might simply melt away.
What did I just hear? I strained my ears, wanting to hear it once more.
Mikael continued tenderly.
“It is not only Ruben. …When I think of placing someone else beside Ruben, it feels as if my stomach is burning black, and as if fire is lighting up behind my eyes. I lived my whole life not knowing I was a man capable of such jealousy, but thanks to Ruben, I have learned a great deal.”
“…Such a,”
“However, having experienced it myself, I found it to be a terrifying and painful thing, so I hope Ruben does not have to feel that way. I stopped you because I worried you might needlessly suffer in the future. But if you feel anxious and restless, it is fine to do as you wish.”
“…”
“If you truly wish to do so, I wanted to tell you to do it without worrying about my reaction.”
Is this a dream?
There’s no way Mikael would pick and choose only the words I want to hear.
I stared blankly at Mikael’s face. My ear tips turned bright red from the affection poured into the hand that was gently stroking and massaging my fingertips. Ah, could it be. Today. Now… The timing was perfect. The expedition starts tomorrow, we are alone tonight, and we’ve confirmed our feelings.
My heart fluttered violently, and I tightened my grip on his hand.
“…Then, now…”
“Hmm.”
“No, why! …Why ‘no’…?”
I’m going crazy.
I was so frustrated I wanted to bite that pretty nose of his. If possible, I wanted to lick his lips too. I wanted to wrap my arms around that beautiful neck… I was about to vent more of my irritation, but he smiled so beautifully that I was speechless again.
I guess I have to let him win this time too. I swallowed a sigh.
Mikael placed his hand on my eyebrow. Touch me more. Just as I was slightly bowing my head—
“If anything happens, I will protect Ruben with my life. Therefore, it is only right that we speak of this again after we descend from the mountain.”
“…Why, why is that…?”
“I cannot make a perfectly fine man a widow.”
?
…?
A chilling sense of incongruity raced from the crown of my head to my tailbone. My vision suddenly blurred, and I blinked twice. Before me was still Mikael, looking at me with a deep, meltingly tender expression. Beneath that pretty, fluffy pink hair, his kind eyes sparkled.
Mikael had grown a lot. I mean, now, to the point where he looked like a man.
That.
I mean, could that possibly be…
I must have let my mouth hang open without realizing it. Mikael kindly took my chin and closed it. Those kind eyes were still looking at me as if I were a very small, pretty… a little chick… He was looking at me with the exact same gaze I always used to look at him…
…How?
No, looking at it objectively, no matter how much I thought about it, I wasn’t the type of man to be held.
From the moment I was born, I inspired fear in everyone around me. I was always evaluated as growing faster than children my age. I started speaking early, learned to read and write early, and grew tall quickly. The average height for men in the Sierran Empire was 178cm, but I had already reached 184cm.
In fact, from the first moment I saw Mikael, there wasn’t a single instant where I was shorter than him. While a romance between the same sex might not be a one-to-one comparison to a romance between a man and a woman, at the very least, I had never doubted my position when it came to Mikael…
Unable to believe it, I asked once more.
“…I’m the widow?”
“I intend to make sure that does not happen.”
Not a shred of doubt was visible in Mikael’s clear eyes.
Since when, exactly?
I had the impression that Mikael tried to protect me excessively. However, since he was strong in martial arts and I was a Prince who naturally received protection, I took all of it for granted.
But thinking about it now, it wasn’t natural. The meaning behind Mikael constantly cherishing—fuck—trying to cherish me was only now starting to sink in.
Is that? Really?
…How?
The Mikael in my imagination was a bit more flowery and supple… that was the image.
No? So, from the beginning, Mikael… when he said he liked me, always… I mean, he does have a sex drive, right? He’s really saying this with that position in mind, right?
I was half out of my mind with shock, while Mikael gave an awkward smile and shifted his gaze toward the sky. The way he walked with his hands behind his back was unnecessarily—no, perfectly—composed, elegant, irritating, and lovely enough to drive a person insane.
I stood frozen for a moment before catching up to Mikael. Even then, feeling regretful that I had let go of the hand I’d been holding, I grabbed his hand first. Mikael looked back at me tenderly and soon gave me his hand. Honey was dripping from those blue eyes, just like the first time…
“…Mika. You know…”
“Yes. Please speak.”
“So, uh… I’m the widow, right?”
“Hmm. …Did those words make you feel very bad? I didn’t mean that I will definitely die…”
Really?
…Seriously? Is there really not a single shred of room for another possibility?
“No, no. It’s not that… I just, I think I need to put in some effort. Some effort.”
“Pardon? Yes.”
“…I’ll put in some—no, a lot of effort…”
“It is fine. I will be by Ruben’s side the whole time, so you may do as you please.”
“…”
Ah, what do I do?
…Seriously, what on earth should I do?
* * *
The expedition was tomorrow, but I couldn’t sleep at all. I lay quietly in bed under the covers, staring blankly at the ceiling. The blanket was light, but my body felt too heavy. No, it wasn’t my body that was heavy, but my head and my heart. I kept feeling a fever, and my limbs felt limp.
Thinking back, there had been many hints.
Mikael liked romance novels with black-haired female protagonists. Yes, he liked the ones where the female lead, not the male lead, had black hair.
He preferred long hair over short. He liked it when I tucked my hair behind my ear, and he tried to escort me every chance he got.
At the Debutante, I took the female position and danced for Mikael. Because of that, Mikael was used to wrapping his arms around my shoulders or waist.
Come to think of it, at the Hunting Festival too. It was the same at the Hunting Festival. He insisted that he must be the one to sit behind when riding a horse, and even when Mikael pretended to be poisoned, he wouldn’t let me lift him up.
All of that…
Was an appeal of his… preference.
Even if a person lacks common sense, there should be a limit, right? To anyone looking, between me and Mikael, isn’t it obvious that the prettier, more supple, and sparkling Mikael would naturally be that side? Was this a result foretold from the moment he laughed and said the round Crow Doll looked like me? No, how is a person supposed to notice this?
“—!”
I wanted to scream, but fearing Mikael would come rushing in from the room next door, I buried my face in the pillow and just mouthed the sound.
What do I really do? I don’t know how much Mikael knows about acts between men. Assuming he knows absolutely nothing, not even a little…
I sat up abruptly. I gathered the blanket and pulled it over my head.
Gritting my teeth, I slid my hand inside my pajama pants. I had come myself a few times while thinking of Mikael, but I had never touched my back, so it felt strange in many ways. The dry, tightly closed hole felt as if it could never be used for that kind of thing.
For some reason, a part of my heart sank coldly.
What if Mikael thinks the same thing? What if he thinks that no matter what, it won’t work with me, and backs away thinking it’s impossible? If he just smiles awkwardly with that gentle face and babbles that it seems difficult with a man, even if I act pretty, then I…
Could I… give up on Mikael?
…
My blood ran cold. I absolutely could not.
I still wanted to monopolize Mikael. I wanted that conservative man to kiss only me, smile only for me, and embrace only me. I wanted Mikael to look into my eyes and blush, and to walk with our fingers interlaced from time to time, just as he does now. I wanted him to be gentle only to me, both day and night.
It didn’t take long to decide.
I got up and took out the holy oil from among my luggage. Since it didn’t seem like I could get used to it in a day or two, I had to start immediately. From tomorrow, I would be using my body a lot, and there would be almost no days where I’d sleep alone. I had to tame it little by little… even if it was just a tiny bit, whenever I had time.
So that I could open my body whenever Mikael wanted me.