By Zephyria 
I bit down on a clean handkerchief and stripped off my lower garments.
The act of touching my own backside evoked a great sense of repulsion, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the terror that I might never be able to share my body with Mikael for the rest of my life. A part of me screamed from some corner of my heart, asking if I really had to go this far, but the conclusion remained the same. Even if it meant doing this, I wanted him.
The holy oil I poured generously into my hand smelled clearly of roses.
After contemplating my position for a moment, I sat back against the head cushion and pulled the blanket over my head.
I wanted to devour Mikael as soon as possible. I planned to look down at a frightened Mikael, soothe him for a long time until he felt safe, and then use my fingers, drenched in holy oil, to slowly and steadily widen his narrow lower entrance.
I had resolved hundreds of times that if he happened to burst into tears, no matter how greedy I felt, I would not act hastily; instead, I would shower him with kisses and whisper that I loved him.
Thanks to that, I knew well how to open a man’s backside.
Of course, most of that knowledge was gained from books, but how different could theory be from practice? I had a general knowledge of human anatomy, and I had plenty of healing artifacts. I always kept my nails trimmed short and managed them so there wasn’t a single hangnail.
I never imagined I would be testing this knowledge on my own body, but regardless, I knew that something went in here if done correctly, so it was fine. Setting aside whether this could actually feel good, it was manageable for now. Manageable… was it?
…Doing it alone, the angle of my shoulder felt a bit awkward…
“…Huu…”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, sliding the first joint of my wet, slippery left ring finger inside. The hole, which had swallowed only half a joint, tightened in fear and refused any further intrusion. The strange sensation of foreignness made me feel nauseous.
I almost tried to push it in by force without realizing it, but then I thought, No, no. I can’t just tell Mikael to ram it in, and I took a deep breath.
Very slowly, I caressed the area around the hole to spread the holy oil.
I counted to three and inserted one joint; I counted to three again and the second joint; then, after counting to five, I was able to push my ring finger deep enough for the knuckle of my hand to touch. Even after fully swallowing one finger, the hole remained incredibly stiff.
I thought it was a stupid position. Every time I slightly moved the finger buried deep inside, my tense shoulders hurt more than the narrow hole.
I have to be able to feel it in the back for any of this to matter.
Leaving my left hand as it was, I grasped my genitals with my right hand. A hollow laugh escaped me as I saw my genitals hanging limp, unable to react at all to this strange and unfamiliar torment. I leaned back heavily, pressing myself into the head cushion, and closed my eyes. While slowly rubbing the front, I pictured Mikael’s face.
Still, today, he had a quite lovely expression. That kind and upright smiling face…
The Mikael appearing before my eyes soon lowered both eyebrows as if deeply worried. Are you alright? You aren’t hurting anywhere, are you? He tilted his head, whispering tenderly. Then, if he reached out to stroke my cheek, that rough sensation…
…Ah.
I got hard. I felt… a little… okay.
I paused the hand rubbing the front. I slowly rubbed the back, which was still holding a single finger. Taking advantage of a slight opening, I carefully pushed in the tip of my middle finger, and a strange, buzzing pain shot through my lower abdomen. My brow furrowed at the dull sensation, which was slightly too weak to be called pain.
If I whined and said it hurts… Mikael would be startled and apologize profusely. Even so, if it were during sex, wouldn’t he at least kiss me to soothe me? I felt like I could forget the pain then. If Mikael smiled and kissed the tip of my nose and my cheeks with tender, smacking sounds, I felt like I could just smile and say it’s good even if he rammed it in from the start—
“…Ugh…!”
Did I open my mouth without realizing it? I almost let go of the handkerchief I was biting. I grit my teeth again. The damp, stuffy texture of the cloth touching the tip of my tongue was irritating. As I didn’t stop the movement of my hand, squelching sounds slowly filled the quiet room.
Another strange thought occurred to me.
…What if Mikael suddenly opens the door and comes in?
I mean, right now, I’m… making strange noises.
Mikael had very sharp hearing. What if he heard everything? What if he opened the door because he was worried about me? What if he saw me doing this while thinking of him? Could I still smile with a composed face as if nothing had happened?
Perhaps, just perhaps.
Would he be turned on?
In an instant, I was startled by the hole gripping my finger with unbelievable tightness. A gasp escaped me, and my hips lifted. My thighs spread, and it became stiflingly hot under the blanket. Even though it was still so narrow that it was hard to move properly, the hole, drenched in holy oil, was desperate to suck and swallow my finger.
Ah. It feels… softer.
It would have been much better if this were Mikael’s hand instead of mine.
My abdominal skin felt tight. I felt as if my navel was being pulled up to my solar plexus. At this rate, yes, it’s not bad. I felt like he would think it’s a hole usable even if he put his own in. I can do this. I think I’m starting to understand a bit… how to tighten it…
Excitement piled up layer by layer. My erect genitals twitched, leaking viscous fluid. I quickly moved my right hand, which had paused, and pressed my genitals firmly against my lower abdomen. Because of this, the pleasure coming from the front felt as deep as if it were coming from the back.
Mika.
Mika, Mika…
I repeated the name I wanted to call in my head. While keeping my genitals pressed down with my hand without moving, I moved my left hand, pushed inside, rapidly. I couldn’t find exactly where it felt good inside, but still, just imagining Mikael looking down at me like this made my heart beat as if it would explode, so everything felt fine.
Would he like it?
I mean, it’s like… I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.
It’s okay if he doesn’t. I wanted to believe that. At some point, Mikael had begun to look at me with enchanted eyes, as if seeing something truly beautiful. With those eyes, looking at me, I wanted him to stroke me… and praise me. That I did well, that I’m pretty, that he wants to be with me forever…
The squelching sounds didn’t stop. For a moment, I felt a chill as I poked my head out from under the blanket because the air felt too stifling. There was no one outside the blanket, but some unknown longing or sense of incongruity kept pulling me deeper into the swamp of pleasure.
And then, at the moment of intense ejaculation.
Picturing Mikael’s face out of habit, I ended up smiling.
Tui, I spat out the damp handkerchief. This tastes too bad to keep biting.
And then… I lay on my stomach. Lying on my back had hurt my shoulders, but if I was going to do it while thinking of Mikael, it seemed better to imagine him supporting me from behind.
I’ll do it just one more time before I sleep.
* * *
The expedition to the Yuil Mountains was not a leisurely schedule.
Following the guidance of Hugh Benson and Elvin Brooks, the party moved forward, slaying numerous monsters. During the day, we walked or ran continuously and killed monsters; at night, we sought sleep lying on the bare ground beside the campfire.
Killing monsters was harder than I thought. It was the first time I realized I was a person who loathed slaughter this much. Reading a single line on a document stating “hundreds killed” was vastly different from actually seeing blood splatter and flesh tear.
Since I was relatively strong-willed, I considered it tolerable, but whenever I saw Mikael’s sunken eyes, I felt unnecessarily sorry and awkward, which caused me much worry.
On the open road, without high walls and dozens of guards to protect me, I was not a Prince, but simply a weak knight. One day, when the soreness of my hands became more concerning than the guilt of killing monsters, I agonized for a long time before pestering Mikael to hold my hand while we slept. I acted that way, hoping that Mikael’s affection for me wouldn’t diminish even if I became a dirty, cruel, and wretched man.
Since I was already used to little sleep, that was fine, but falling asleep anywhere other than a bed was not easy. No matter how well I leveled the ground, a few pebbles always poked into my back, preventing me from lying flat.
Whenever I tossed and turned, Mikael would quickly open his eyes to check on me. There were several nights where I lay frozen with my eyes closed, terrified that Mikael might regret coming with me.
Thus, May, June, and July passed.
During that time, I grew accustomed to sleeping in a single sleeping bag on the bare ground. Thanks to my Sword Posture becoming sharper, I received praise, and I became able to strengthen my aura by freely using the Hip-Circlet. I reached a point where I could kill medium-sized monsters in a single stroke without pain.
Of course, it was exhausting. However, the joy of being able to stay close to Mikael from the moment I opened my eyes until I closed them—and even while they were closed—always overwhelmed the fatigue.
Mikael spent the entire time striving to attend to me meticulously. As he had done before, he rarely took his eyes off me.
Sometimes it was even surprising. How could I feel this good? If it were the old me, I would have been curious about what was happening in the Imperial Capital, but I felt like I would be happy even if I abandoned everything and lived in seclusion with Mikael.
This was even more true after Young Lady Philodendor and Sir Brooks left for supplies.
Lately, I had found pleasure in playing with Mikael’s hands. I had only touched my own backside once, but if I were to do it again… wouldn’t imagining Mikael’s hand be far more pleasurable than my own?
Mikael’s hands were exceptionally large. He had hands with distinct calluses on every joint and prominent knuckles. The tendons on the back of his hands were noticeably clear, and the bone structure itself was very thick. My hands weren’t small, but this would likely be a bit more overwhelming.
I was also curious about the size of that part of Mikael. Since his hands were this large… I hoped it wasn’t too thick. Honestly, I lacked confidence…
When my mind grew weary from these various lewd thoughts, I rested by leaning on Mika’s shoulder. I loved it when I rested my forehead or buried my nose in the hollow of his nape and breathed in deeply, feeling Mika’s thick body scent.
Lately, Mikael smelled of damp earth and crushed grass. Since he originally carried a cozy scent of soap, there were times I felt a bit disappointed, but this too had a rugged charm that wasn’t bad.
And when I grew bored of that, I played secret pranks by nibbling on Mikael’s hand.
It started with pranks where I would give a quick kiss to the back of his hand or a knuckle and run away, but since Mikael smiled and accepted it all, my greed grew, and it became like this.
Because biting the tips of his fingers often made me want to suck them deeply, my targets were usually the second joint of Mikael’s finger or the back of his hand. Whenever I looked at Mikael’s deep gaze as he quietly entrusted his hand to me, unaware of what I was thinking, my lower abdomen would often tighten with a sense of sin.
I was happy for quite a long time.
Until the moment I discovered Lloyd Denver’s crushed pendant.