By Zephyria 
I don’t know how long it’s been since I last opened my eyes. The white ceiling, the lighting, and the characteristic smell of disinfectant told me that I was currently in a hospital. Only after staring blankly for a long while did the events leading up to my collapse begin to drift back to me.
And soon, I remembered my legs, drenched in bright red blood. Blood… so much blood had come out. It was a shocking amount. It was frightening to think how such a volume of blood could even leave my body. I carefully felt my lower abdomen, touching the place where the child had been.
I tried to restrain myself, wondering if I was overreacting by fussing over a child that was in an embryonic state—too small to even be called a fetus—and not something that could be felt just by touching. But I don’t think I’m overreacting at all. It is an emotion anyone who has carried a child could feel.
Without my knowing, another living being had slipped in and taken root in my belly. Why didn’t I know? Come to think of it, my lower abdomen had been hurting for quite some time. Back then, I dismissed the pain as nothing. If I had paid attention and gotten a check-up then, this wouldn’t have happened. This was the result of my own indifference and ignorance.
Perhaps the pain in my belly was a signal the baby was sending me. Telling me, I’m here. I’m here, so please notice me, please care for me a little more… I feel as though the child had been sending signals like that. I lived too harshly, not even knowing I was carrying a baby. I was an Omega, and I had even gone through knotting with an Alpha, so I should have been more meticulous in taking care of myself.
“What do I do. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t look after you. It’s my fault.”
Holding my stomach, I whispered to myself. My ignorance had led to this. Being beaten by my grandfather didn’t even hurt. It was because the shock of losing the baby right before my eyes was too great. How could I have let them go like that? The child must have felt the impact of the blows I took. After being kicked and beaten like that, there was no way that tiny life could have endured.
I pulled the blanket over me again and cried. I sobbed so hard that I wondered why so many tears were falling, and if it was even okay to cry this much. I hated the people who called themselves royalty and nobles. Just hearing the words filled me with disillusionment and disgust. Everything they did and everything they thought was contemptible.
In the end, I was used by everyone. I was ruthlessly used by Joo Min-hyeok, the person I had opened my heart to the most here, and I was used as a mere tool by my grandfather, my own blood. Why? Why does everyone treat me like that? Am I such a worthless person?
I wondered why I was treated this way. Am I someone so undeserving of love that there is no meaning in keeping me by one’s side unless I am being used for something? Thinking that made everything feel sorrowful. I wondered why people couldn’t just love me purely.
Not to mention my grandfather, Joo Min-hyeok—who calculated how to use me in such a situation—was the most horrific. And then he has the nerve to tell me to trust him? My god, to trust only him? No. I can no longer trust Joo Min-hyeok. It is impossible to go back to how things were with a man who used me as nothing more than a tool.
“I should have just followed the natural course of things. I should have just survived, connected the Young-hwa Palace as originally planned, and left.”
From the start, I should have kept my heart guarded and never given it to Joo Min-hyeok. Like a complete idiot, why did I change course and suffer this? I’m such a fool. I should have just connected the Young-hwa Palace according to the novel’s plot and ended it there.
I could have lived my own life, living the freedom I never had before. Although I didn’t die, this has become an unexpected worst-case scenario. Because I can no longer trust Joo Min-hyeok.
I don’t even remember when I gave my heart to him. It just happened naturally, like water soaking into the earth. That’s why I regret everything. I regret it a hundred, a thousand times. I felt pity for the child I couldn’t protect, and everything surrounding me felt hopeless.
∗ ∗ ∗
By the time I woke up after a bout of crying, it was afternoon. I spent my days surviving on IV drips, skipping both breakfast and lunch. Then, Joo Min-hyeok, whom I hadn’t seen because he was busy, entered the hospital room. As soon as I saw him enter, I dove straight under the covers.
“Are you awake? Did you eat today? I wanted to come sooner, but I couldn’t leave the palace. I barely managed to make time to come…”
“Nobody asked you to come, so why do you keep coming? You don’t have to make time, so please just don’t come.”
“…If you can’t swallow food, should I buy you a drink you like? I didn’t know if you were asleep or awake, so I just came.”
Despite my attitude of ignoring him, Joo Min-hyeok did not falter; he smiled brightly and pulled a chair up in front of me. It’s like he’s torturing me—why is he clinging to me and refusing to leave?
“Since you haven’t recovered yet, I’ll move you to a more spacious residence once you return. The Grand Imperial Concubine’s pavilion is too narrow and stifling, so it’ll be a change of pace.”
“Why should I?”
I rebelled against Joo Min-hyeok’s brazen offer to move my residence. Emerging from under the blanket, I looked him straight in the eye with a face full of red bruises, still unrecovered. Startled by the sight of me, Joo Min-hyeok scanned my face. Even that worried look seemed like nothing more than a facade.
“Why should I go back to the palace?”
“You are my concubine and your home is the palace, so where else would you go? Naturally, with me…”
“I am not going to the palace. I will not return with Your Majesty.”
Joo Min-hyeok’s face stiffened more severely than I had ever seen. He looked as if he were bracing himself. His jaw muscles were rigid, clenched tight.
“…Why?”
“Why? Because I’m the descendant of a traitor. I’ve lost my utility. I’ll be of no further use to Your Majesty. I’m telling you this in case you’re under the illusion that there’s something left to use.”
Joo Min-hyeok looked at me without even blinking. Biting his lip and lowering his head, he met my eyes, unable to hide his anxiety. It’s useless to look at me like that. That kind of acting doesn’t work anymore.
“I’m not using you. You are my Omega. Because of my ignorance, you were badly hurt and lost a child, so I think you need time to recover. Don’t blame yourself too much for the child. It wasn’t your fault; the situation was too harsh, and we are young, so soon…”
“Soon? Soon what! The situation was harsh? Do you think the baby could have endured while you fed me contraceptives for so long? Do you think I was even in a state to properly carry a child! On top of that, after being beaten like that, how could the baby have survived! And you just watched me get beaten. Because of you and your mother, I lost my baby! It’s all because of you and your mother!”
Screaming, I grabbed the pillow I had been leaning on and began to beat Joo Min-hyeok’s face frantically.
Whether he was shocked by my words or the pillow, Joo Min-hyeok looked at me in a daze, simply staying still as I struck him.
Perhaps my screams were heard outside, because a startled Sang-seon rushed in. Shocked by the sight of the Emperor being beaten wildly, he tried to stop me from pummeling Joo Min-hyeok. But I didn’t find the sight funny at all and screamed at Sang-seon.
“Don’t interfere and get lost! Get out!”
“Pa-Palace Lord…”
“Sang-seon, go outside. It’s okay.”
Joo Min-hyeok brushed back his hair and sent Sang-seon out. He then picked up my fallen pillow, placed it back on the bed, and asked in a trembling voice. Joo Min-hyeok’s expression showed a rare inability to hide his bewilderment.
“Hae-joo… how did you know that, the contraceptives…”
“How did I know? Is that what’s important? I knew from the moment you started feeding them to me. Did you think I wouldn’t know? Even knowing you were doing such a thing to me, I just endured it. How much more am I supposed to endure? Are you surprised that I miscarried? Pathetic. You want to have another baby with me? Unless you’ve gone mad, how can you say such a thing?”
Gasping for breath, I poured out everything I had kept bottled up in my heart. Yes, I know. I know that Joo Min-hyeok’s heart changed halfway through. I understand that he had no intention of letting me have a child, and that he made an inevitable choice knowing that my power would grow too large to handle if I did.
Then he should have apologized first. He should have apologized to the child who left and to me, who was fed contraceptives for a long time. But without a single word of that, Joo Min-hyeok tried to gloss over it and had the audacity to say we could just have another child. With my body in this state, a baby?
“You used me! Have you apologized for that even once? Why are you trying to move back to a normal daily routine with such an indifferent face? How!”
Joo Min-hyeok had made me the bait and placed me in a trap, waiting for the target. He waited for that fleeting moment until the target bit. Knowing that the bait is destined to be eaten and die, Joo Min-hyeok used me in that way. My well-being or my life simply wasn’t that important.
Joo Min-hyeok was the Emperor, a man who could do anything for the country and for the throne. That’s why I was not his first priority. As if my life wasn’t that important, you made that choice, Joo Min-hyeok. Since when did the word ‘trust’ become so light? I do not want to be with a man who treats me so lightly.