By Zephyria 
We met every Friday at the Flying Dagger Training Field.
As expected, Mikael was a passionate and cheerful boy. Whenever he hit a target with his sword, he would blush and smile innocently, looking up at people with sparkling eyes. Not only was he unafraid of me, but he would lean against me and cling to me without hesitation.
What I hadn’t expected was how I looked while watching him.
I stuttered often. Whenever Mikael smiled brightly, my breath would catch unconsciously, and my cheeks would flush if even the backs of our hands brushed. These physical reactions, which preceded any emotional understanding, left me confused every single day.
Whenever I became aware of my own vacant expression, I felt miserable and disgusted. If there was any silver lining, it was that Benjamin Claudian accompanied us. I behaved more like a proper human being when I was conscious of another person’s gaze than when I was left alone with him.
Every Monday morning, I wished it were already Friday, and every Sunday night, I wished tomorrow would never come.
I wished Mikael would grow up faster. I wanted to escape this swamp of bizarrely unpleasant emotions and impulses as quickly as possible.
* * *
The second Friday of April.
Lucilla Anti Sierran, who was born in the same womb at the same time as I was, was a profoundly inefficient human being. She folded paper boats during liberal arts classes and climbed trees during swordsmanship classes. No matter how much I lectured her on rational and absolute theories or rules, it was completely useless.
And when things didn’t go her way, she would lie down.
Not as a metaphor, but in the literal sense… She would lie flat on the floor and throw a tantrum.
“Ugh, whyyy! Why! I’m going with you starting today too!”
“…”
“Me too, me too, me too, me too, me too! Pretty-girl wants to play with Mika toooo!”
Since she was the same age as me, Lucilla was now sixteen. She was an adult who had already had her Debutante last year. Yet today, just because I said I was going to teach Mikael and Benjamin alone, she had crawled onto the dining table instead of the food and was causing this scene.
I slowly shifted my gaze.
I looked back and forth between the servants, who were flustered and unable to place any food on the table, and my twin sibling, who was flopping around on the table like a live fish, then squeezed my eyes shut and opened them. If I dealt with her at times like this, I would be dragged down into her chaos without end.
I spoke in the calmest voice possible.
“Clear everything away.”
“Pardon? Ah, then the, the meal…”
“I’ll eat outside.”
I figured I’d just go out and wait until Mikael came to the Flying Dagger practice room after his meal.
I waited for the servants to clear the plates and withdrew without glancing at Lucilla once. Lucilla seemed bold, but she was more perceptive than anyone and her mind worked quickly. It was fascinating that she acted like that while knowing full well what was happening, but regardless, I trusted that she wouldn’t do the things I truly hated.
However, today was different. As soon as I turned around, Lucilla sprang up and followed me.
“Oh. Leaving early today?”
“…”
“I guess I should leave too then. I’ll tell Mika to have lunch with me~.”
I came to a dead stop.
“What, why the glare? You can’t even manage a single word to the kid asking him to eat together since you’ll see him later anyway, right?”
“…”
“I’m in a good mood, so I’ll let you join! Let’s go eat num-nums together~! Move out~!”
“…It’s not like that.”
“Not like that, my foot. Last Friday, you made do with a single piece of bread. Doesn’t it piss you off to keep getting pushed behind others? What happens if you just back down after being rejected once? You just dive in and do what you want first. This big sister didn’t raise you to be that kind of man. Look, if there’s someone you like! Just, bam! Seize them!”
“…”
“Wow, look at those eyes. Scary as hell. But whatever? I’m going. Come or don’t.”
Ah… Lucilla.
How could a person be like that? It wasn’t as if I was the only one who scraped together all the conscience and shame from inside Kate’s womb.
Yet, even then, I couldn’t overcome Lucilla when she acted like that, so because I had no choice, I didn’t take a detour and headed toward the first-year dormitory restaurant where Mikael would be.
Mikael was with Shayden Rose again.
I knew quite a bit about Shayden Rose. I had confirmed it in the Nobility Yearbook, but since he was mentioned every time I received reports on Mikael’s Academy life, I had investigated him separately. Shayden Rose was a sociable, active, clever, and meddlesome boy—the one closest to the average of Shierun Academy among Mikael’s group.
Lucilla, who liked gentle boys, chatted with Shayden quite often.
However, I gradually became uncomfortable. I was sitting opposite Mikael, but Mikael never once looked at me; he was preoccupied with looking at Shayden’s fingertips or his profile. He had never been like this when he was with me; what was that about?
Once again, a wave of nausea rose from an irrational and illogical impulse. I forced a smile and tightened my tongue to pretend everything was fine. But the moment I tried to focus on the food, screech—my knife scraped the plate with a tiny noise.
At that, Shayden paused. Then, he turned very slowly, not toward me, but toward Mikael sitting next to him.
Shayden naturally attended to Mikael. He smoothed out the curled edge of the napkin resting on Mikael’s clothes and naturally took away the utensils that wouldn’t be used for the next course, moving them to the side.
At a glance, it seemed like a kind gesture, but it wasn’t something that needed to be done right now.
I read an intention in it.
An intention that said: The person you have in front of you is a child who needs to be taken care of like this.
Heat surged through me. Normally, I wasn’t this prone to anger. But whenever it involved Mikael, I kept losing my grip on my emotions.
I stared intently at Shayden. Our eyes met. I tried to smile, but I couldn’t do it properly. Shayden subtly lowered his gaze to avoid my eyes.
“…It seems Young Master Ernhardt is very close with Young Master Rose.”
“Eh?”
“Because I feel like I see you together often.”
I wasn’t speaking to the bewildered, tilting Mikael, but to Shayden Rose. I was openly probing him, asking what intention lay behind this blatant display of intimacy in front of me.
Shayden cleared his throat and spoke in a calm tone. The end of his sentence trembled slightly.
“It is because House Rose and House Ernhardt have had frequent exchanges, Senior. We met at Young Master Ernhardt’s first birthday party and have been close ever since.”
To me, those words sounded like this:
I know the adults of this house very well. Therefore, I will act as the guardian.
“…Ah… If you say the first birthday party.”
I trailed off, giving him a chance to correct himself. Shayden, completely intimidated, still couldn’t lift his gaze. Yet, he didn’t take back the words he had spoken.
“It has been just over eight years since we’ve known each other. I am very pleased that we were able to enter the Academy together.”
This child has only had his first birthday party eight years ago. I’m speaking on the friendship with House Ernhardt, but you are right on the edge of crossing the line.
…Did I just do something that great?
I admit I couldn’t hide all the jealousy that surged out. So what? Did I throw my knife? Did I beat someone? Or did I use my status to kidnap and imprison Mikael? Just as I was about to say more out of sheer absurdity…
Mikael, who had been watching with a beaming smile, added a word.
“We also take most of our classes together. Since I am younger than the other students in my year, I receive a lot of help.”
…
A brief silence fell.
He had been quiet the whole time, and suddenly? At this moment, at this timing, he takes Shayden Rose’s side? I felt as if my windpipe was squeezed and my chest tightened. It felt like I had been hit right in the back of my throat. Everyone’s gaze at the table fixed on Mikael. Mikael was still smiling with an innocent face.
On the contrary, Shayden was flustered. He hurriedly tried to take back Mikael’s words.
“It’s more accurate to say we help each other.”
“I’m really jealous of that. They say childhood friends really last a long time.”
From the tone and inflection, it was obvious Lucilla was trying hard to signal that this wasn’t her intention. Noticing that my mood had plummeted, Lucilla raised her voice cheerfully and responded to Shayden. It was obvious she was using hand gestures to try and divert all attention toward herself.
However, Mikael continued to praise Shayden. Lucilla pretended to agree while continuing to shift the topic. Unable to stand my gaze any longer, Shayden plopped a large piece of meat onto Mikael’s plate. Only then did Mikael stop talking.
I understood Shayden’s intention to calm Mikael down, but that only irritated me more.
What a ridiculous sight this was.
I knew it too. Once Mikael became an adult, a three-year age difference would be nothing. In the Sierran Empire, children as young as five or eight held hands, played house, and made lifelong vows. There were many who grew up and married immediately.
But right now, I was standing on a strange boundary.
I had already had my coming-of-age ceremony last year, and Mikael was still an immature boy. Continuing these unpleasant and irrational feelings toward Mikael was something I absolutely must not do.
I had intended to stop anyway.
It was the moment I was about to put down my utensils, having lost my appetite. Mikael chewed and swallowed the piece of meat and looked toward Shayden again.
Impulsively, I took a piece of side dish… the same kind of meat, and placed it on Mikael’s plate. Mikael, who hadn’t looked at me throughout the meal, finally looked at me. He stared at the meat once, then at my face, and then smiled brightly as he poked the meat with his fork.
Ah…
I wanted to strangle myself right then and there.
“I’ll enjoy the meal.”
“…Yeah.”
I’ll stop, I will stop.
But not today; I’ll try starting tomorrow.
Since he seems completely unaware anyway, I’ll just like him until today…
And then I’ll stop.
I was a person who always accomplished what I set my mind to. I believed I could do it well this time too.