By Zephyria I tried to explain in as much detail as possible what had happened between Hugh and me.
During our Academy days, Hugh approached me, who was alone, under the guise of building rapport, and took special care of me. After that, he was always with me. If there was food, he shared it with me, and if he got an Artifact, he made sure to get my share too. It was the same before and after meeting the current Emperor and Blue Star.
I also told him about our trip to Owen after Blue Star had a strange dream. I saw his vulnerable moment and comforted him in my arms. After that incident, Hugh Benson became very affectionate towards me. He would often burrow into my embrace or wrap his arms around me. I liked that very much.
When I brought up marriage after that, Hugh was quite surprised, but I think he gave it a lot of thought. We had lived together for over ten years, so I thought it was a natural progression to want to continue living together. Hugh, however, seemed to have never considered it.
The reason we grew apart was a kiss.
A light touch of lips, which I found wonderful, but Hugh found deeply disappointing. After that, he became convinced that my liking for him wasn’t ‘that kind’ of liking, and he distanced himself from me.
I barely managed to regain my place by his side after begging, but after I almost died and returned, I couldn’t even see his face.
The Emperor quickly understood the words I stammered out.
And tsk, he clicked his tongue.
“How strange… how everyone loses their reason and becomes short-sighted when it becomes their own affair. I never thought Lord Benson, of all people, would be like that.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Indeed, why do you think that is?”
“……”
The Emperor leaned back into the sofa with a softened expression. His straight shoulders, however, never tilted even slightly. Seeing his shirt stretched taut as he sat with his arms crossed, I realized. He had said he gained a little weight. It seemed true.
“Intercourse with Lord Benson… Ha. Such a choice of words… You said you were even considering intercourse.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“……Why?”
“Do you think intercourse will make Lord Benson stay by your side forever, or do you need to first understand whether you want intercourse with Lord Benson itself.”
“……”
“No, before that. What do you even think marriage is?”
“……Living together for life?”
“I would live in the same building as the Imperial Palace Chamberlain for life. But my marriage partner is Michael.”
“Hmm… So, living together and also having intercourse…”
“……Isn’t this the problem?”
“This?”
“You… lack romance. To seduce someone, you need to stimulate their emotions more.”
“……Emotions?”
“Ha… I’ll tell you a few things, but please keep in mind that my words are not the absolute truth…”
I carefully entered the empty hospital room.
The method the Emperor had told me was quite peculiar.
The Emperor said that even if the Temple was vast, it was strange that I couldn’t run into Hugh despite searching for him so diligently. He said Hugh would constantly be aware of where I was going and what I was doing. He advised me to subtly let him know what I wanted to say and why I was looking for Hugh, and then let him confirm it. He explained that if he could bear that, he would reveal himself before me.
So, he said flowers would be best.
He told me to leave a flower in Hugh’s room every day. Did Hugh like flowers? I didn’t think so. Hugh liked expensive and practical things. Artifacts embedded with many Mana Stones, precious metals that could be easily converted to cash, and abundant food that could be enjoyed generously.
Still, it was good that I wouldn’t make mistakes, thanks to him meticulously choosing the flower shop where I could buy them and the exact spot in the room to place them each day.
On the first day, I placed a blue hyacinth on the small table attached to the hospital room. It meant longing, love in sorrow, joy of love. He said I had to know the meaning, not just leave the flower. So, I memorized it.
On the second day, I laid a white tulip in the center of the bed. Pure love, sincere confession. When I asked why pure love was placed on the bed, the Emperor cut me off decisively, telling me never to use the word ‘intercourse’ again. I decided never to use that word again.
On the third day, it was a purple violet. Shy love, hidden longing. I tucked it under the pillow so only half of it was visible. When I asked what would happen if he didn’t find it and just lay down, the Emperor replied with a cold face that only someone like me would do such a thing.
No matter how I thought about it, Blue Star seemed like the type of person who would just lie down without even noticing the flowers, but I wanted to hear more advice, so I said nothing.
Then the Emperor explained that if I left flowers for just two days and then there were no flowers on the third day, he would feel a disappointment commensurate with his expectations, leading him to idly look around. I didn’t understand why I had to do something that would make Hugh feel disappointed, but I followed his instructions.
And on the fourth night.
This time, instead of a flower, I sat on his bed and waited for Hugh.
Just as the Emperor had said. I sensed someone’s presence at the hospital room door. Familiar footsteps and a familiar weight. It was Hugh Benson. I waited, holding my breath. I wanted to rush out and fling the door open, but I couldn’t ruin this moment.
After hesitating for a long time, Hugh slowly opened the door.
Ah. It had been so long since I had seen his face. I had secretly worried he might have become gaunt, but it wasn’t that bad. His cheeks had filled out a bit, and the dark circles that always lingered under his eyes had faded considerably. He had an awkward, frozen expression and sighed heavily as if troubled, but I was quite satisfied that his cheeks weren’t sunken.
I wanted to jump up out of sheer joy, but I held myself back again. Hugh, who had been standing at the door, closed it behind him and slowly walked towards me, then stopped in the middle of the room. It was a distance and angle that allowed us to comfortably exchange glances.
I wished he would say something quickly.
The Emperor had told me to shut up and say nothing until Hugh spoke first. But what if Hugh just left without a word? Since I couldn’t speak first, I grew increasingly anxious. I tightly gripped the bedsheet and twisted it. Hugh’s gaze slowly slid down to my hands. He let out another sigh.
“……What’s with the flowers?”
His voice was muffled, but it was a start. Now I could speak.
“I had a question.”
“……What is it?”
“Why isn’t my love, love?”
“Huh?”
Yes, this was how I was supposed to say it. To fully convey the feelings I truly wanted to express, I needed to use the common language of the continent eloquently. The words I had always conveyed with my eyes and body were only half-understood by Hugh Benson.
I had lived thinking Hugh knew my heart completely. The Emperor said that wasn’t possible, and even if it were, there were things that needed to be said aloud. And now I had a lot to say. I now knew that the way I liked Hugh was love.
“Why isn’t my liking you, liking you? How do you know that?”
“……”
“You imagined marrying me too, didn’t you? You thought you wanted to. So why did you stop? I haven’t yet, so why?”
“……That’s.”
“Can’t you tell me? I’m suffering so much…”
Hugh Benson didn’t answer. His gaze slowly scanned my face as if tracing it.
It made sense. No one knew me as well as Hugh. I had never spoken the words “I’m having a hard time” aloud. It was because I didn’t really understand the feeling of hardship. I generally thought most things were okay. If I was a little hungry but didn’t die, it was okay. If I was a little tired but could move my limbs, it was okay. If it was a little hot or cold but not enough to make me bedridden, it was okay.
But now I knew. I was suffering because Hugh wasn’t here. I was constantly anxious and uneasy, feeling inexplicably sad and choked, and even after eating and eating, my insides felt hollow and hungry – these were things I could say were difficult. I didn’t avoid his gaze because I wasn’t lying.
The silence that settled in the depths of the hospital room was comforting. Was it because I had tightly shut the windows to prevent any unnecessary noise from outside? Or was it because Hugh was finally here, just three steps away, in this room? It was probably both.
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Hugh’s fingertips twitched.
He was still staring at me blankly.
“When we kissed before, you said something was different.”
“……”
“Can we try one more time? I liked it.”
“……”
“What was different? My liking, and your liking?”
Then Hugh took a step closer. The first step was short, but the second and third were a little longer. Thanks to that, I looked up at Hugh, who was now right in front of me.
The Temple was usually brightly lit, day and night. Even though the room wasn’t lit separately, the white light from outside seeped in, adding a bright sheen to Hugh’s face. Hugh’s eyes were glistening red and moist.
He said in a voice that barely registered.
“I was incredibly, nervous… but you weren’t.”
“Can’t I just like you without being nervous?”
“That’s.”
“Why did you avoid me this time?”
Swish*, the corner of Hugh’s eyebrows lifted. Ah. He was angry. I was pulled by his hand, which was holding my collar, and knelt down. As our eye levels became similar, his warm breath hit me. My chest felt a little ticklish. I stared intently at his contorted face and whispered.
“I wanted to protect you, Hugh Benson.”
“I.”
“I didn’t want you to die or get hurt. Because I promised I would.”
“……That, that I too…”
“Then stop making me suffer… Just, like me too. Like before…”
The grip on my collar loosened. Tears welled up in Hugh’s eyes, shimmering white. They looked so delicious.
Hugh, who had been contemplating, replied in a slightly muffled voice, “Yes.” Only then could I open my arms and pull Hugh into an embrace.
His body was warm, like he had a fever. As I held him, my voice also became choked.
“Can I sleep here with you tonight?”
“……Yes.”
“I like that.”
“……”
“I like you…”
Hugh didn’t reply. But I felt like he had definitely heard something.
And that was enough for me.