By Zephyria 
“……Gyeoul.”
“…….”
“Are you asleep, Darling?”
“…….”
Even in Gyeoul’s deep slumber, my voice didn’t reach him. Because there was no change in Gyeoul. It didn’t seem like he had fallen asleep waiting for me either.
Like snow that melts and disappears when touched. Where are you traveling, leaving only a cold drop of water behind? Leaving me behind. Leaving me here. How can you be so at peace when I’m not in your world?
Sorrow dripped between my fingers.
When it wouldn’t even reach Gyeoul.
‘Gyeoul, I even bought you some fish-shaped bread……. I only bought red bean paste, which you like. So…… you know, I only eat custard cream. ……Let’s wake up and eat it while it’s warm. Okay?’
I forcibly swallowed the words that were trying to slip out of my mouth, afraid of waking you. Standing between conflicting emotions, I looked at Gyeoul, who was sleeping soundly. It felt like you would wake up if I kept staring at you. So I wanted you to look at me with those affectionate eyes. Along with the words that you had been waiting for me.
The fish-shaped bread was bought only for Gyeoul.
I found a fish-shaped bread store on the way driving home. Three custard creams and one red bean paste were displayed on the stand. I parked the car haphazardly and got out. No one was around to say anything about illegally parking on the empty road. I went to the vendor without hesitation and said.
“Please give me 3,000 won worth of red bean paste.”
“The red bean paste needs to be freshly baked, so it’ll take a while. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Please give it to me like that.”
I waited for a long time until snow piled up on my shoulders. Because Gyeoul would surely smile brightly and be happy. I had no intention of buying custard cream. Gyeoul would pretend to hate custard cream as a joke, and I didn’t want to see you make that face.
So this fish-shaped bread was for Gyeoul’s share. I bought it just to give it to you. Dragging my tired body after working overtime. So, if you looked at me…….
Suppressing the urge to sigh, I left the room. I wanted to throw the fish-shaped bread into the food waste bin right away. It felt like my feelings were being ignored in that way. Even though I knew it wasn’t true, my sensitive reason arbitrarily judged Gyeoul.
My steps headed to the kitchen. I was about to roughly throw the fish-shaped bread on the table for Gyeoul to eat and go to work tomorrow morning when a familiar container came into view. It was definitely a container from the restaurant we often ordered from. Gyeoul always ordered two servings, even for my share, so I figured the remaining container would be in the refrigerator. One container that would be my share. That you left for me.
The mood that had been sinking deeply improved a little. I gently placed the bag on the table and headed to the refrigerator. I wanted to see the food for me with my own eyes. Even though I knew that it couldn’t be an indicator that you were paying attention to me.
I opened the refrigerator door. I was nervous about something so trivial. Huff. I took a short breath and looked inside the refrigerator. No, I was going to look.
……There’s nothing.
Neither the container nor the food. I stared at the empty refrigerator without a word. Whose turn was it to go grocery shopping this week? I think it was probably mine. Then what had Gyeoul been eating all this time?
I didn’t want to face the evidence that Gyeoul wasn’t thinking of me, so I forcibly thought of other things. Why was this refrigerator completely empty, not showing anything? Since when was it like this? It didn’t make any sense at all.
In fact, there was nothing to look for. Except for bottled water, there was nothing.
The hand holding the refrigerator handle was filled with strength. It made a strange sound as my hand and the plastic rubbed together, creaking.
“Why…….”
Why? It really wasn’t a big deal. It had been quite a while since we had dinner together, and we had barely talked to each other. Then, of course, there shouldn’t be any ingredients. Now even Gyeoul. Yes, even Gyeoul came home late, so no one ate dinner at home. Why would such a house need food? Rather, it was fortunate that there wasn’t any. We wouldn’t waste food by throwing away rotten things.
I understood it well in my head, but my heart sank coldly. As if sensing an anomaly.
This house suddenly felt unfamiliar. The beating of my heart, sensing anxiety, was felt at my fingertips.
Thump, thump.
I could only clench my fist, overwhelmed by the sensation.
∗ ∗ ∗
It’s hazy.
My mind woke up at the usual time, but I didn’t want to move at all. My whole body was as heavy as a water-soaked cotton ball due to the aftereffects of working overtime last night. My busy mind didn’t easily send me into a dream. The train to dreamland slowly started running in the darkest dawn.
I slowly opened my eyes only when I felt that I couldn’t postpone it any longer. The empty space in the bed was the first thing that caught my eye.
Gyeoul’s workplace was almost an hour away from here, so it was time for him to have already left. Even though I knew it, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I was about to quietly stroke that spot with my hand when I felt something strange. If I hadn’t suddenly heard something rustling in my ear, I would have buried my nose in it to find the lingering scent of Gyeoul, groping for warmth.
I heard the sound of clothes brushing against each other. Stimulating my dull nerves.
Shaking my dazed head from side to side, I turned my head in the direction of the sound. Gyeoul, wearing familiar pajamas, was stretching his arms out wide. Am I still dreaming? Am I seeing you in my dream? I blinked slowly. No matter how much I rubbed my eyes, you were still standing there.
His round butt swayed.
Spinning, spinning. The movement of his waist drawing a large circle caught my eye. ……I’m horny. Thoughts that hadn’t been filtered poured out. I don’t know if it’s because it’s morning or because the visual stimulation is too great, but it started to bulge. I squeezed my eyes shut. There was no time for this. If this was a dream, I had to wake up quickly.
I rubbed my dry face roughly with my hands. There was no way this vivid sensation was a dream. Then is that not an illusion but the real Gyeoul?
“Uh……. You…….”
Gyeoul, reacting to my voice, turned only his upper body. His clear eyes blinked innocently. There was no trace of sleepiness. His fair skin was slightly visible under his rolled-up top. There was a subtle tension in his thighs.
“You woke up in a hurry.”
“You, why…….”
“Huh?”
Why is he home right now? Is the clock broken? I moved my eyes slightly and stared at the clock hanging on the wall. Forgetting to even blink. The numbers had changed. It seemed to be working fine.
I felt like I was the one who was broken instead of the clock. It was as if a part had fallen off and I had become a scrap metal heap that was forcibly rolling along. When I closed my mouth, Gyeoul tilted his head. His face filled with doubt reminded me of the past. Gyeoul’s youthful appearance when he was curious about me when we first met.
Gyeoul blinked.
“Why, are you still…… home?”
It was a normal question, but it took me a long time to say it. Like someone asking a question that shouldn’t be asked. A heavy bead got stuck in my throat, constricting my vocal cords.
Gyeoul nodded, saying ah, only then in response to my question. His face still rippled with doubt. As if to say why are you asking this now. It was clearly a delusion created by my guilt-ridden heart, but my heart slowly tightened as if reacting to it. Discomfort lingered near my heart.
“Are you curious?”
Gyeoul smiled brightly. His playful eyes folded prettily. I couldn’t take my eyes off your smiling face. I was still captivated by Gyeoul with a dazed mind. As if my soul had been completely bewitched. My heart, entangled with you, throbbed.
Gyeoul slowly reached out to me. That scene was replayed slowly like slow motion. Gyeoul smiled brightly, holding out his open palm to me. His mischievous expression sparkled without fading even as he got older.
“If you’re curious, 500 won.”
“…….”
“Ah, did I sound like an old man again just now?”
When I stared blankly without answering, Gyeoul hit his forehead hard and blamed himself. Had something happened to Gyeoul these days that I didn’t know about? Like being scolded by a younger Hubae. Of course, Gyeoul wasn’t the type to do that. You, who were endlessly gentle only to me, were a strict Sunbae at work. Not easy to approach.
As Gyeoul had wished, wanting to age gracefully, he was maintaining clean skin without a single wrinkle. Even now, his transparent skin shone clearly under the warm sunlight.
“……No.”
You’re pretty.
I struggled to swallow the words I wanted to add next. For some reason, I felt embarrassed to say it out loud. How long have we been dating, why do these things suddenly feel awkward? Like those days when I was excited because it hadn’t been long since we had confirmed our feelings. Like the days when compliments felt like confessing my feelings.
“Really? Then that’s a relief.”
“Yeah…….”
“Are you a little…… old? Dress up, Yi-tae. That’s how you’ll win me over.”
Gyeoul said without specifying a target.
……Was I? Have I gotten a little old in the meantime? A cold sensation flowed down my spine for a moment. Did I look old to Gyeoul? Then was the problem with my face after all? Is that why Gyeoul doesn’t give me morning kisses anymore and doesn’t wait for me? Is it because I’ve become ugly?
Even though I knew it wasn’t true, I just……. I wanted to find a valid reason for why Gyeoul felt so distant, for this emotional distance. I felt like I had put my foot into a swirling eddy of strong currents. As if I would be submerged forever without being able to get out.
Gyeoul. Who exactly has to win me over?
Gyeoul spoke as if that person wasn’t himself. As if referring to a distant target.