By Zephyria I exchanged texts with Mr. Sparkle to coordinate the detailed schedule. Tomorrow, 10 a.m., at Baldy’s Realty. Okay. I marked it on the calendar. I felt more at ease signing the contract early in the morning. I planned to use my annual leave wisely. Since the house I was contracting for was vacant, I could move in as early as tomorrow. My goal was to get all the estimates within this week. And if possible, to break up as well.
“Wow… freaking, sleepy.”
A sudden wave of drowsiness washed over me. I should eat before sleeping… Rubbing my blurry eyes, I got up from the sofa and headed straight to the bathroom. It was better to shower beforehand. If I ate, an even greater drowsiness was expected to hit.
‘I should pat my stomach and lie down on the bed as soon as I finish eating. Won’t tomorrow’s me be responsible for the acid reflux…?’
I splashed cold water on my face, nonchalantly thinking irresponsible thoughts. When I looked up, my handsome face with a pink pig headband pushing my hair back was reflected in the mirror.
∗ ∗ ∗
My eyeballs are hot.
White snowflakes scattered and fell from the sky stained with dark clouds. The cold weather made my nose tingle, so I wiggled the bridge of my nose for no reason. I raised my head and stared blankly at the familiar apartment. First floor, second floor… tenth floor. The lights were completely off again today. Not even a faint ray of light could be seen. Where did Gyeoul drift off to?
The hand holding the warm bag tightened. There were countless days when I didn’t want to see Gyeoul’s face, but as soon as I thought that Gyeoul wasn’t in our house, an uncomfortable feeling suddenly came over me. It felt like the contents in the bag were getting colder and colder, so I pushed it into my arms. Because Gyeoul didn’t like cold things.
My steps slowed down.
Whether I just didn’t want to go home, or… Unable to fathom anything right now, a deep sense of powerlessness and exhaustion washed over me. Was it the aftermath of working late for the first time in a while? Probably. The reason why I couldn’t move forward as if a heavy weight was tied to my shoulder must be because I was tired from working late.
I really didn’t want to work late.
If Gyeoul heard this, he would have snorted and said, ‘Where in the world is there an office worker who wants to work late? Yi-tae, are you going to keep talking nonsense?’ While pondering what the sound of a mouse digging in the ground meant, I would have laughed. Gyeoul’s nonsense sometimes gave me great strength. If I heard that sound, this fatigue would quickly recover and I would return to my daily routine.
But this situation was not such a simple problem. I wanted to talk to him in the house where Gyeoul was. Without knowing what to confirm or what to talk about.
With slow steps, I headed home. I didn’t feel like checking my phone, which rang from time to time, so I pushed it deep into my pocket. I didn’t want to look into my increasingly uneasy heart. The moment I checked who the caller was, it felt like something would start uncontrollably.
“Choi Gyeoul…”
Your name tasted like cotton candy. More sweet and painfully stinging on the tongue than the snow piled up on the street. White breath billowed out. Even my breath resembled cotton candy. Are all things related to you this sweet? ‘Gyeoul’ was different from my name. Even though it was the same noun.
I rubbed my eyes. My nerves became increasingly subtle and sharp.
I pressed the password. ‘0120.’ As I opened the door, I suddenly realized that today was the 18th. That our 7th anniversary was just around the corner. Why didn’t I know that?
…Does Gyeoul know? He probably does. Or does he? The assumption that he might not know came to mind. You took care of our anniversaries more than I thought. So you would sing and dance around for days before. My birthday, and the day we met.
But I didn’t take care of it well. We’re going to be together forever anyway. I haven’t found the meaning of celebrating by counting the past one by one. Is that important?
Of course. I knew very well that I was wrong last time.
It was around the time when the weather was getting hot.
Unlike his name, Gyeoul’s birthday was on the hottest day of summer. Even if you just sat still, you would sweat profusely. So both of us were bound to be sensitive. I’m not trying to blame the weather, but if I had to say it, that’s how it was.
I had never forgotten Gyeoul’s birthday before. Even if my birthday passed, I remembered and took care of Gyeoul’s birthday. Because it was a very precious day when he was born.
But this time, I forgot. It was a day I remembered even without marking it on the calendar, but I completely forgot. No, it wasn’t completely. …My mind was preoccupied with something else. So embarrassingly. Thinking about it now, I was a complete piece of trash, but I didn’t know it at the time.
I spent a long time outside and came home after midnight. I opened the front door with a slightly drunk and tipsy mind. Under the flickering front door light, I staggered and raised my blurry eyes. A drunk lover who came back after his birthday was over. Even though I did such a hateful thing, Gyeoul was waiting for me. With a worried look.
…Why did I do that?
Seeing that face, something welled up and I suddenly got angry at Gyeoul. Why are you waiting for me? If it’s late, just go to sleep. I was just spouting nonsense without even remembering what day it was. You were the one who should have been angry, but you weren’t. What was so pretty about a lover who didn’t even celebrate his birthday that you made honey water and gave it to me?
〈Quit drinking. If you want to live a long life.〉
〈…I don’t want to live long. It’s sickening, sickening. I have to live like this forever… like this with you…〉
Gyeoul didn’t say anything and just stared intently at my face. That gaze was so uncomfortable. It was as if he was trying to look into my soul. I felt like Gyeoul’s deep eyes were quietly sucking me in. That feeling was burdensome, so I turned my face away. As if I didn’t want to face it.
So I still didn’t know.
At that time, what kind of expression did Gyeoul have?
When I opened the front door, Gyeoul’s neatly placed shoes were the first thing that came into view. Clearly, all the lights were still off. Even now, darkness was imprinted on my retina. Only the front door light, like a pin light, was illuminating me. The warm air that Gyeoul liked came to me in large strides. As if to announce his presence.
“…When did you come?”
Instantly, the bag crumpled, making a rustling sound.
I muttered to myself and took off my shoes. Even though it was a cold winter with snow falling, I felt like I was trapped in a hot fish tank. The more I opened my mouth, the more boiling water surged into my throat. My voice didn’t come out well. My vocal cords felt like they were burned. Where did this feeling originate from?
For the past few days, it felt like Gyeoul was gone and I was left alone in this house. Where did you go, leaving me behind? It’s just a feeling, but somehow Gyeoul was getting farther away, and it felt like summer, when you weren’t there, had come again. Into that terrible memory. I couldn’t contact you first because I had said something to you, but I didn’t want to just wait without doing anything. Even though there was nothing I could do.
Gyeoul, who were you with and where were you? You haven’t been going out much lately. You said you were too lazy to go out now, so you would only stay home with me. So I should stay home too… Do you even have me in your head right now? Then you should come back quickly. …Even if I’m not in the house you return to.
Lost in those thoughts, I would sit on the sofa where I could see the front door well and wait for Gyeoul. If I let time pass like that, Gyeoul would come back around midnight. Covered in the cold winter smell all over his body. It didn’t suit Gyeoul at all. He was more suited to… a warm spring scent.
Gyeoul, who found me, always had a similar expression. His eyes widened subtly, and he stood blankly at the entrance as if asking why I was there. I didn’t like that, so I frowned.
Soon, Gyeoul’s pupils dilated and his red lips parted, as if he was seeing something that shouldn’t be there. Always. I didn’t want to understand the face full of doubt, so I subtly avoided his eyes.
How long have we been together? Can’t I even read Gyeoul’s expression?
‘We’re going to be together forever, aren’t we?’
Muttering those thoughts to myself, turning my back on Gyeoul, whom I didn’t even want to see, was my daily routine these days. Repeating such actions without knowing what I was doing.
I stood still at the shoe rack and waited for Gyeoul, but Gyeoul didn’t come out of the room easily. Until the light in the shoe rack went out and a quiet silence fell in the house. I couldn’t feel any movement, to the point where I could hear my heart pounding loudly in my ears. Only silence remained.
“I’m home…”
I wondered if Gyeoul hadn’t heard the sound of the door opening, so I muttered again. But there was no movement in the lightless space. Only the sensor that detected my movement was illuminating me alone.
My stomach churned.
Even my breathing felt unfamiliar. It was so unfamiliar that it was painful. Like a person who can only see one thing, I went straight to the door roughly. The door felt so huge that my hands trembled.
I gripped the doorknob tightly and opened the door. Through the slowly visible gap, I could see Gyeoul sleeping soundly. He had neatly pulled the blanket up to his neck and his mouth was wide open. The sound of his breathing tickled my eardrums.
An unknown emotion washed over me.
It felt like the blizzard pouring down from the sky had turned into filth and was falling on my head. So…
I’m upset.
I felt like I was going crazy because I was upset that Gyeoul was sleeping soundly without waiting for me. Because my existence didn’t seem to have any effect on your daily life, it was so peaceful. It was just like… our current relationship. So it felt like you could live well without me.
How could you do that?