TLT 6

〈Oh. Really?〉

I turned my head, feigning disinterest. I already knew how to deal with these feelings. I didn’t want to feel that despair ever again.

Take a deep breath, neatly arrange the tongue in your mouth, and then ignore and disregard whatever happens. No matter how big and heavy it is. If you turn your head back, it will be resolved at some point. Both the emotions and the events.

As if this were my normal daily life.

Showing that you’re hurt was never a good idea. It was just like throwing another piece of bait to the other person. I knew that if sharp teeth were embedded in my wound, I would never be able to get up again. A fatally wounded creature could not survive.

I didn’t give Yi-tae any more attention. I looked at the sunset on the white ceiling. No matter what trials came my way, the world was turning in its original orbit. As if nothing had happened. Seeing that providence made the problems that happened to me seem trivial. After all, the sun would rise again tomorrow.

I withdrew my expectations.

If I didn’t want to be disappointed again, I shouldn’t have any desires. I was withering away in that delusion, believing that the sun would shine on me someday. Even though the sun couldn’t shine until the building blocking my path was demolished.

I just had to let it flow sluggishly like this until all my emotions were exhausted. I would break up when the moment came when it didn’t hurt. When the moment came when no trace of him remained in my life.

Just as I had already experienced.

As always, the first time was difficult, but the second time was easy.

〈Gyeoul. I really don’t care where you are or what you’re doing with whom. So I hope you won’t be curious about me either.〉

〈Oh, Yi-tae.〉

Why did he have to say it twice? I understood well enough. Was it because my answer wasn’t satisfactory? Then, would he be satisfied if I said, ‘Yes, sir. I will not be curious about your private life at all, even though you are my Darling! Don’t worry.’ I couldn’t help but laugh. Wouldn’t it be better to just say let’s break up if that’s the case? Huh. No? Well… okay. Okay for now.

After that day, I didn’t wonder about Yi-tae. Whether he was late or came home early, whether he ate with me or not. I didn’t ask. Maybe we treated each other like dormitory roommates. Lovers but not sleeping together. Lovers but not celebrating each other’s birthdays.

What. We’re so lame.

Recalling that time, I suddenly wondered what kind of change of heart Yi-tae had. Why is he doing this now? Did he trip over the doorstep and hurt his head? Or did he perhaps take out a life insurance policy on me?

“You said you wouldn’t ask anymore because you weren’t curious anymore. You told me not to ask you either. But why are you curious about that now?”

“…….”

“Huh?”

I urged Yi-tae to answer quickly.

Yi-tae’s face turned blue after hearing my words. As if he hadn’t expected my question. My attitude felt like a threat to him. But I didn’t want to leave the curiosity about Yi-tae that had come after a long time.

Nothing should remain between you and me. Not even this trivial curiosity. I wanted to eliminate even the slightest possibility of remembering it again. Where did you go, the one who so coldly judged the future for me, and why are you, who is worried about me, still here?

Why was the wrong you waiting for me here?

“Just. I guess I was worried because I couldn’t reach you and you weren’t coming in. I didn’t mean to confront you. It was my fault.”

I liked that he admitted his mistake and apologized so quickly without asserting his pride. Well, he might have been worried about me out of habit. Even without such feelings. These issues were no longer important. Arguments were only important in relationships that were moving in a better direction. Finding things to fix between people who are about to break up was just a waste of time.

I looked at the utterly crumpled Yi-tae and nodded gently. It was understanding, not acceptance.

“I see. I was embarrassed because you weren’t usually like this. Well. I guess it could happen.”

“……Yeah.”

“Although I was a little uncomfortable because you were acting unreasonable and doing things you didn’t need to do, well.”

“……So, that’s.”

“You don’t have to explain anymore. I’m not curious, Yi-tae. I’m going to go wash up first. You should go to sleep too.”

“That…….”

“You have to go to work tomorrow. Weren’t you supposed to leave early? You must be busy picking up the person you carpool with. I’m going to be late sometimes. It’ll be tiring for both of us if you worry every time. It’s nothing big.”

Yi-tae kept opening and closing his mouth as if he had something left to say, but I ignored him and passed by. Somehow, my heart felt so twisted that it had become a dried radish-like twisted breadstick. So hard that it felt like my teeth would break if I bit it wrong.

These feelings really don’t suit me.

Instead of being grateful that he waited until late, I only felt burdened. Yi-tae felt no different from our Head of department. Just being with him made me tired, and I just wanted to leave.

Even if you wind up a clock with a broken spring, the second hand won’t turn. You either have to replace the parts completely or just throw it away. Besides, instead of holding onto something broken and groaning, waiting for parts that may never be found, it was easier to throw away the clock.

Yes. I wanted Yi-tae to leave my life. Forever.

Because I had no intention of fixing him.

∗ ∗ ∗

The long journey was over.

I climbed mountains and crossed rivers, searching and searching. Not even knowing that time was passing. Until the sun set, the owls cried, and dark clouds filled the night sky where the stars were not visible. I finally managed to obtain the precious thing I had been looking for, braving the rain and snow.

……To put it grandly, it just meant that I had finally decided on a house to contract.

It was a somewhat anticlimactic conclusion, but I finally decided to sign a contract with the house of the sparkly real estate agent I had seen first. Not only was there no better house than that, but the landlord generously lowered the price. He said he just wanted to sign the contract quickly and not worry about it because it was a hassle. As soon as I heard that, I scheduled the contract to be signed tomorrow. It wasn’t like I didn’t have any money on hand right away. I wanted to get out of this house as soon as possible.

Darkness had settled in the desolate house. I hadn’t expected it, but as expected, Yi-tae wasn’t home. He seemed to come home a little earlier than me, who had been busy looking at houses these days.

Since the day I talked to Yi-tae, Yi-tae had been home every time I came home. Of course, I had been coming home late, but the guy who should have been asleep kept waking up. Waiting for me with his eyes wide open.

When I asked if he had something to say, he just closed his mouth and shook his head. What was he trying to do with me? Now I felt uncomfortable being alone with Yi-tae. I didn’t know what topic to continue the conversation with. Yi-tae had become a difficult person for me, and I would rather he be asleep.

“You guys don’t have much time left to see me either.”

I greeted the plants that Yi-tae was raising. I even watered you guys. Do you remember, guys? Although it was only a few times. I can count all the times with both hands… not really. I tapped the tips of my fingers out of regret. The green leaves shook. Even if I said no, I couldn’t help but feel attached. Because we had been living together for a really long time.

First, I threw myself on the sofa because it was a hassle. It was so comfortable to be alone. My body, which had been suffering from wandering around every night these days, ached. I had to get a good rest today.

“I hope he comes late. Right. Or not? Is it better for you guys if your owner comes early?”

Having lost my conversation partner, I asked the plants for a conversation. Of course, the request was rejected. The plants didn’t even respond. Whether they did or not, I poured out what I wanted to say. Shouldn’t I say goodbye to my old friends?

“A new dad is coming. I didn’t treat you well, but you can’t forget me, okay? Don’t fall for the new dad completely, like Yi-tae. I guess he’s late because he’s been on a date and dropped her off. Blancso, Elizabeth. What are you going to do while you’re lonely for a while, huh?”

I stopped grumbling. Silence flowed.

Still, Yi-tae seemed to be coming home earlier than before. Of course, it was late, but when I arrived home, Yi-tae was always back. Before that, there were countless days when he was later than this.

‘What should I eat for dinner?’

I was in an unusually good mood today, so I hummed a song without realizing it. Hmm hmm. I wiggled my feet in the air and shrugged my shoulders. Tomorrow I’ll sign the house contract and buy some furniture. I should also look for interior designs. It’s been so long since I’ve done this that I don’t have a good sense of how to arrange things.

When decorating this house, Yi-tae’s intentions were fully reflected. This was the second time that the house fully reflected my taste. The first was the small studio apartment I lived in before living with Yi-tae. Actually, it was a studio apartment, so there was nothing to call it an interior. It was too much for me to even squeeze my body into.

I looked around, filled with emotion. The plant in the corner, the incomprehensible masterpiece hanging on the living room wall, and even the gloomy gray blanket were all Yi-tae’s taste.

I picked up my phone and ordered food from a familiar store. Yi-tae was sure to come home late again today, so I only chose one serving for myself. There was no delivery fee anyway, and it was delicious enough to bear the cost even if there was. Of course, if that were the case, I would have ordered Yi-tae’s too and suggested we split it exactly in half.

My mouth was already watering. Sss. I wiped the dry corners of my mouth with the back of my hand. It definitely felt wet, but was it just my imagination? No, I thought saliva was dripping.