By Zephyria My heart was still beating fast. It felt like anxiety. The first mistake from someone who had never once forgotten a promise with me. I knew how to stop longing for what had changed, but I didn’t know how to turn it back. It was so easy to pretend not to be hurt, to act resilient.
I got out of the car and slowly walked up to the house.
I didn’t know what face to show him. What does my expression look like? I examined my shabby face in the mirror. My cheeks were frozen red, and my eyes were heavy with fatigue.
I blinked. The me in the mirror blinked too. I pulled the corners of my lips up as much as possible to create a smiling face. Instead, a distorted smile was reflected. It didn’t look like I was smiling at all. I don’t want to make this kind of expression…
[Ding. The door is opening.]
I got off the elevator listlessly.
I forced the front door open, which seemed unusually cold today. It felt very heavy, unlike usual, and I struggled with the weight. I could see through the small gap that the lights were not on. Should I just let go of the handle and close it? Even though nothing would change by turning away like this.
I inhaled deeply until my lungs were full. Like a balloon about to burst. The full space, filled with air, throbbed with the beating of my heart. I could feel my whole body trembling with a huge vibration.
Enduring the dizziness, I barely managed to get into the house. Light poured down on me. The cold air told me something. That no one had entered this house since this morning.
My fingertips were white and numb. Was it because the blood wasn’t flowing properly?
It no longer mattered what I had given up to choose Yi-tae. That was already in the past. But even though I couldn’t be sure of anything, the intuition that ran down my spine was the same as that day. Something had changed between us, and as a result, it had become impossible to turn back forever.
The terrible day was finally over.
The time was past midnight, heading towards the darkest dawn. There was still no contact… and Yi-tae wasn’t here either. Was he even staying out overnight like this?
The familiar sound of the door lock was heard the moment I slowly closed my eyes.
Once, wrong.
Twice, wrong again.
I could tell. He was drunk. You were so drunk that you couldn’t even enter the password properly.
I waited for Yi-tae to open the door and come in on his own. I had never seen him so drunk that he couldn’t even enter the password properly since he was 20 years old. He always restrained himself just before getting drunk.
Yi-tae hated being a mess when he was drunk. Perhaps that’s why, even though it had already been 13 years since we met, his behavior now felt very unfamiliar.
I wondered if it was someone else? I almost wished it was. It felt terrible…
Yi-tae, who finally opened the door with his own will, staggered into the house.
Bringing with him an unknown, disgusting smell of food and alcohol, and even a faint smell of cigarettes. Even though he doesn’t smoke. Puu. The way he breathed out as if he was having a hard time wasn’t even funny. I blankly watched him, not knowing whether to get angry or go take care of the staggering drunkard.
Yi-tae was smiling happily, as if he was in a good mood. Even though he was breathing heavily as if he was having a hard time, the corners of his lips were relaxed. He bent down to take off his shoes and staggered greatly as if he was dizzy. Completely losing his balance.
He was really disheveled in a way that wasn’t like Yi-tae at all. His tie was awkwardly loosened, quite… how should I put it? Should I say it looked promiscuous? What did he do with whom to be in this state?
Yi-tae, who barely took off his shoes, raised his head sharply. His relaxed face hardened in an instant when his eyes met mine. As if he had seen something he shouldn’t have, discomfort lingered. He was definitely excited just a moment ago. Yi-tae violently wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. As if there was something on his cheek, even though there was nothing on it.
〈You…〉
〈…〉
〈Why… hic. Are you, standing… Why… are you doing this…?〉
After waiting for a long time, what was placed in front of me was scolding. Indiscriminate criticism, not a greeting or an apology.
As anger surged to my head, my mind became clear instead. The cooled reason helped me to face reality. Even if other things were unclear, one thing was certain. I was no longer a welcome presence to Yi-tae. To the point that he was annoyed that I was waiting for him.
So uncomfortable that he wanted to criticize me fiercely.
〈…〉
〈A little… yeah! Hic… I don’t like it…〉
He slurred the sentence stammeringly with an awkward pronunciation because he was drunk. Even the sound of his breathing was heard clearly. The light that fully illuminated Yi-tae went out. As if the monologue of the protagonist of a one-act play was over. As if to tell us that it was time to leave.
〈Yi-tae.〉
I called his name affectionately.
As Yi-tae staggered, unable to support his body, the light came on again. You have risen to the stage again on your own. But Yi-tae was still alone on the stage. I didn’t receive any light, as if I couldn’t even be a supporting actor. Maybe like a spectator watching him.
It was rather fortunate. I didn’t want to show my expression now… to anyone. It was obvious that it would be a weakness. I couldn’t even show it to the lover I trusted the most.
In fact, I didn’t want to have a conversation with someone who was drunk and not in his right mind. Nevertheless, I couldn’t avoid it. If I didn’t resolve it here, this spark would grow even bigger. It would burn so much that we wouldn’t be able to mend our relationship and it might be cut off forever. The only good thing was that Yi-tae was much more honest when he was drunk than usual. I planned to take advantage of that.
No matter how much more hurt I get from this conversation.
〈…Uh.〉
〈Did you have a team dinner today?〉
It was the first question to find the answer. From now on, we’re playing twenty questions. Yi-tae blinked slowly. As if he didn’t understand at all.
His eyes already seemed to be pouring with sleep. The area under his eyes twitched faintly as if my question felt strange to him.
〈…Huh? …No.〉
〈Then, did something urgent happen at work?〉
He shook his head again. I had only asked two questions, but I was able to find out the most important information. The fact that he didn’t come to the meeting place for a very personal reason, not a public one.
〈Who were you with until now?〉
I asked gently, like parents scolding a child who came home late after playing. Yi-tae blinked again. His eyes, now half-closed, seemed to be beyond the realm of will. Puu. A sigh mixed with the smell of alcohol scattered.
〈Hmm? That… the new, hic. New… Hubae, said she had an important problem, hic…〉
〈Ah.〉
It was that person again. This time too.
Yi-tae’s voice, which never told me what the problem was, gradually faded and then went out. He slowly closed his eyes and then let out a deep breath. His body slowly leaned against the wall. He wiggled his toes and rubbed his eyes, as if his feet were cold because he was standing barefoot on the cold tiles.
His hands trembled finely. He clenched his fists so hard that his nails dug into his palms, trying to calm the trembling.
Then, Yi-tae said as if whispering, still with his eyes closed.
〈But… hic. It’s burdensome… You, doing this… Huu.〉
What kind of image was being drawn under Yi-tae’s closed eyes? What kind of bad person had I become to you? The honesty hurt. I wish he had stopped there. He dropped his head as if it was too much to support it now. Faint breathing continued weakly.
I thought I had become somewhat insensitive to this… My eyeballs felt stiff and sore. I rubbed my eyes roughly with the back of my hand. Yi-tae didn’t show any movement at all, to the point where I suspected he was asleep. If it weren’t for the occasional sighs, I would have thought he was standing and sleeping.
Is it okay to drink until almost 2 a.m. to listen to the concerns of a Hubae you’ve only known for a few months? Wasn’t that burdensome? Is a lover who is worried because you disappeared without contacting them or keeping your promise burdensome?
…You worthless piece of trash.
I felt like I was going to die because I was so resentful. My eyes were even more sore because I rubbed them because they hurt. I belatedly thought that it would have been better not to touch it.
Yi-tae, why are you dating me?
I barely managed to hold back the question I wanted to ask the most. There were still more things to ask besides this. It could be that Yi-tae has a new friend who isn’t me. That he gets along so well with that friend… that he’s so happy that he can’t control himself, that he’s forgotten about me. Yeah, that could be it.
Ah, I see. He was so happy that there was something wrong with the nerve substances in his brain, and he only forgot about his promise with me in the short term. Right? How could such a coincidence happen! There’s no other explanation. Is it amnesia? Let’s go to the hospital, us.
I swallowed the harsh criticisms that swirled roughly in my mouth.
I moved my steps to the place where the light was shining. Cold lights flashed above my head. Finally, I was going to participate in this tedious play too. To face each other’s faces under the bright light and have a conversation.
〈Really? Then, did you see the message I sent?〉
As I approached him, Yi-tae slowly opened his eyes. The light reflected in his eyes flickered. He didn’t seem to understand my words at all. It wasn’t that difficult of a question. He groped in his inside pocket, as if he had finally realized it. Uh, uh…
When he couldn’t find his phone there, he started rubbing his butt with his hands. I could feel his embarrassment all the way here, as he didn’t hold back.