By Zephyria 
A snowflake landed on the bridge of my nose.
‘Ah, I should break up.’
The thought suddenly occurred to me from the cold sensation. The emotion, neatly hardened without bringing any undulation to my heart, had faded. A wave that was only calm without any commotion. The cold air brushed against both cheeks.
I must have gotten old enough to be overwhelmed by this level of cold. I hunched my body with a bitter feeling. I put my hands in my coat pockets and buried my face in my scarf.
Yeah. Let’s break up.
People with obvious signs of exhaustion quickly passed me by. The way home from work was always like that. The steps returning home after a hard day were not heavy. Except for me. For the past few months, it had been a continuous series of days where I hesitated to go to a cafe or something because I didn’t want to go into a dark, unlit house.
Of course, I had many friends to meet. There were plenty of kids who would say let’s hang out if I contacted them right away. But that didn’t solve the fundamental problem. What was still on my hands was only getting heavier.
I swallowed the snot that was about to come out and quickly moved my steps.
Yeah. There was no reason to desperately hold onto the relationship anymore. I had to let go. It was something that could be done by letting go, but what was so difficult about it?
As I got older, I hated being tired more than anything.
∗ ∗ ∗
I entered the house, filled only with cold air, and turned on the lights. The fluorescent light, so bright it was blinding, was something I had fixed alone the day before yesterday. I hummed and took off my scarf. I turned on the boiler right away, so it would warm up quickly. I wiggled my butt and lay down on the sofa. I roughly hung up my coat and organized my scarf, so it seemed like I had done everything I needed to do right away. I guess I’ll shower later.
‘Yi-tae will nag if my clothes get wrinkled. But who cares? He’ll come home late anyway, so he won’t know.’
Seven years of dating were all useless. Yi-tae, who had changed since last spring, was going through a full-blown Dating phase. Did the Dating phase come because his name is ‘Kwon Yi-tae’? I laughed at the thought that suddenly came to mind. A moment came when this old man’s gag was funny. I wondered if I had really become an old man.
I grabbed my hair at the sudden sense of self-disgust. That’s why people at work make fun of me. It seemed like it was because I was spending a lot of time with the Head of department these days. More and more people clicked their tongues, saying, ‘Head of section Choi, you look like the Head of department?’ I was suddenly overwhelmed. Don’t they get old? Just you wait. They’ll definitely get old more ugly than me!
I turned on my phone and installed a real estate app. A moment came when I had to install this app again. I felt strange. I held back tears at the fact that I had to find a lease instead of keeping my own house. How much money did I invest to prepare this house, me! Of course, my heart was full because real estate prices were soaring these days.
An apartment under joint ownership that Yi-tae and I bought exactly half and half. It had already jumped seven times. I was right to buy it. My foresight was amazing. Even if I broke up with Yi-tae, I was thinking of keeping it a little longer and selling it. Until then, it wouldn’t be a waste because Yi-tae could live in this house. It’s just that finding a new house is already annoying.
“I guess he’s going to hang out with that person again today.”
I muttered to myself. As I got older, I talked to myself more. Tears welled up at the strong old man smell.
There was a reason why I diagnosed Yi-tae with the Dating phase. Since last spring, he had been steadily contacting someone, and at some point, he started spending evenings with that person.
If you ask me what I was doing during that time, I really had nothing to say. I just thought he made a new friend. Who would think he was in a Dating phase with someone new? Especially since I had been dating him for seven years.
I was embarrassed. It wasn’t like I didn’t feel anything. I saw the preview that popped up on Yi-tae’s phone, and I confirmed how sweet the content was, so I just confirmed the affair. There was no room for excuses.
But what could I do when there was nothing more I could do? I tried dancing in an apron with nothing on or seducing him in sexy clothes. If I did that much, didn’t I do my best to turn Yi-tae’s heart back? If he wasn’t turned on even after seeing my body, then it was over.
When I found out about the affair, I tried to talk to Yi-tae.
〈Who is the person you’re contacting right now?〉
〈Why are you curious about that? That’s interference.〉
〈Are you annoyed?〉
〈Yeah.〉
I stared intently at Yi-tae’s face, which was full of annoyance, with a spoon in my mouth. I blinked. He really looked annoyed. I didn’t want to fight with Yi-tae, who was only getting angry at my question. Okay. My question is annoying. Come to think of it, it seemed like Yi-tae hadn’t been curious about me for a while either.
〈Um… okay. I won’t ask.〉
I was too lazy to argue. Then I shouldn’t bother him as Yi-tae wanted. Yi-tae would tell me in advance if he wanted to break up. It was a proper duty to inform his current lover before meeting a new partner. That was definitely respect for a long-time lover.
I nodded, thinking that Yi-tae’s annoyance was nothing special. Yi-tae seemed to be texting that person continuously. It wasn’t polite to text in front of someone.
I picked up the eggplant, well seasoned with soy sauce, and put it in my mouth. It melted softly, which was no joke. A little chili pepper on the salty soy sauce. There was no more perfect side dish than this. Now was the time. If I put a full mouthful of white rice in my mouth at this moment, there would be no paradise like this.
I scooped up a spoonful of seaweed soup and put it in my mouth. The taste of sesame oil, which was savory on the slippery seaweed and chewy beef, was amazing. This house’s side dishes were the best. There was probably no other place in the country that made such amazing home-style meals. An electric current flowed through my body. I was helplessly powerless in the face of supreme taste.
While I finished a bowl in no time, Yi-tae didn’t even eat half of his rice. I looked at Yi-tae, who was tapping on his phone, patting his bulging upper stomach. I was bored because I didn’t have anyone to talk to. But it wasn’t polite for the other person to leave before eating. I tapped his foot.
〈Eat quickly.〉
〈…You go first.〉
〈Okay.〉
Was there any need to refuse when he told me to go?
I cleaned up the completely empty soup bowl and rice bowl and headed to the sink. I heard Yi-tae’s laughter, snickering. Was it that funny? I scratched my head.
Come to think of it, when was the last time I laughed while talking to Yi-tae? We were really going wrong. That could happen. People couldn’t always be the same.
Fully bloomed cherry blossoms were fluttering outside. Yi-tae hadn’t mentioned going to see the flowers this year, so he probably wouldn’t go with me. You used to like flowers so much. Was he going with someone else?
I finished washing the dishes neatly and went into the room, passing Yi-tae, who was still sitting at the table. Not enjoying the flower viewing was like committing a crime against spring.
[Jju-kku, flower viewing ㄱ]
I left a message to Hyeon-seong, who resembled a baby octopus, Jju-kku. A reply came from Hyeon-seong right away. ‘OK’ He perfectly expressed his intention with just two letters.
Satisfied with the answer, I whistled and picked up an awesome outfit. Hyeon-seong might be ugly, but he took amazing pictures. I had even hired an exclusive photographer, so it would be a satisfying flower viewing.
〈I’m going out.〉
〈Okay.〉
I went outside, passing Yi-tae, who was still on his phone. It was a refreshing spring day.
These things were repeated for two seasons. Yi-tae often got annoyed with me, and I just gave up looking at Yi-tae like that. At a level beyond the Dating phase, I just drew a line over the final count.
I flipped through the calendar. Next week was exactly the 7th anniversary. Yi-tae probably wouldn’t celebrate it. Then, I should leave before that. It wasn’t easy to find a house quickly, but I didn’t want to endure it that much and face the 7th anniversary.
It seemed like a new relationship had come to Yi-tae, so I could break up easily without emotional fights.
I should also prepare the contract. Financial contracts were important. I scrolled down, pressing hearts on the houses I liked. It was already past 10 o’clock, but Yi-tae didn’t seem to be thinking of coming home. Come to think of it, I saw a text from that person last night too.
[Head of section, can you buy me a drink tomorrow? Just the two of us… Hehe]
A guy at the company said ‘Hehe’. How cute. Completely different from me. Was that why he was attracted? If he came home after drinking, he would be very late. If you, who didn’t like drinking, were going out, it meant that the size of your heart had already grown a lot.
“It’s spring, it’s spring.”
But it was snowing outside.
That day when you confessed to me, snow like this fell too. It was probably the first snow. I stopped thinking. Becoming sentimental would only make me pathetic. Even if I swelled up with exciting memories, they would burst like a balloon. My nose tickled. Yi-tae wasn’t here, so should I pick my nose?
I stopped trying to put my pinky finger in my nose. I should just wash up and go to sleep. Next year, I would already be looking at thirty-two. It wasn’t an action to do at my age. Yeah, my age was already thirty-two. It was too late to waste it on such a sluggish relationship.
If it wasn’t meant to be, we should break up.
For Yi-tae’s sake and for my sake. It wasn’t right to tie each other down. It was better to let go quickly and protect our memories. The youth of a certain brilliant day. So that the brilliantly burning past would no longer become shabby.
“I think there was a saying like that.”
I muttered to myself, putting a towel around my neck. I couldn’t help but feel pathetic being alone in this big house. I wiggled my butt at the depressing feeling. I dance when I’m depressed. Without hesitation. Sexily. My shoulders also moved, and I got excited.
‘Let’s break up at the most beautiful moment. How about it?’
A scene from a movie where two men and women said their final goodbyes to each other came to mind. They had to break up because they loved each other so much.
I couldn’t understand it when I watched that movie. Now I seemed to know it vaguely. They didn’t want to see each other’s bottom. Before they became ugly. When perfect love was in its complete form.
But there was no way to avoid seeing the bottom already. If I had known this would happen, I should have broken up sooner. Who would have thought he would change? But I couldn’t just stab my perfectly fine eyes and pretend I didn’t see it, could I?