#92

Yoon Ki-beom woke up in an unfamiliar room. It was due to an intense urge. He had no time to think about why he was here. His body was dizzy and hard to control, but somehow he managed to get to the bathroom and urinate. As he flushed the toilet and washed his hands, he realized that someone had showered here. The bathroom floor was damp, and there was a smell of soap. It seemed that the person had just left not long ago.

While washing his hands, he also splashed water on his face. His body continued to sway. The symptoms of a pounding head and dizziness felt just like being drunk. Alcohol. Yes, he remembered now. In that moment, Ki-beom recalled a man who had been drinking with him.

Ah…

A sigh-like exclamation escaped his lips.

He had ruined it. Because of this damn alcohol, he had ruined his very first date. Ki-beom filled the sink, which was much lower than his height, with water and plunged his face into it. He stayed like that until he felt he was about to suffocate. It was a punishment he was giving himself. Just when he thought he might die if he continued, he lifted his head. The water that dripped down his face soaked his shirt.

Ki-beom cried. Not out of pain, but out of sadness. His habit of drinking quickly to escape from suffering had ruined an important moment.

He knew it himself. He was weak to alcohol. So he had tried to drink just enough to avoid getting drunk. Of course, that was a long time ago, and he barely remembered it.

Since he started farming, no, since he began living in this village, Ki-beom had chosen the path of getting drunk quickly rather than drinking moderately. The trigger was the older members of the youth association. Their way of speaking, which seemed to start with compliments but soon turned into sarcasm and mockery, annoyed him. The target of their insults changed constantly, but Ki-beom was never excluded.

For example, it was like this. Ki-beom went from being ‘a commendable guy who overcame his disability’ to ‘a bastard who flaunts his limp as if it were a badge of honor,’ and his ‘diligence and sincerity’ turned into ‘a servant who does whatever he’s told.’

All of Ki-beom’s strengths were ignored. They never even mentioned his tall stature, handsome appearance, or strong physique. Instead, they subtly mocked him for not having a girlfriend, labeling him as ‘impotent’ or ‘perverted.’ They claimed he couldn’t feel anything in ordinary relationships.

Yong-jun was no exception. When they praised him as the chairman’s son, they would turn around and ridicule him as soon as Yong-jun was out of sight.

The problem was that they only acted like that when drinking. They might say that if he didn’t like it, he could just avoid drinking, but Ki-beom was a part of this village and a young man of this village. In the past, when he desperately needed help from the youth association, he had received a lot of help from them without any strings attached. He was still receiving it now. So he couldn’t turn his back on them. Just because he couldn’t turn away didn’t mean his suffering would lessen, so Ki-beom tried hard to fit into their circle. But he could never get close. He eventually gave up.

From then on, he leaned on alcohol, his weakness. Whether it was beer or makgeolli, he would gulp it down and get drunk within 30 minutes. When he was drunk, he felt good, laughed, and it made it easier to endure their curses and slanders. Moreover, within an hour, drowsiness would wash over him. Once he fell asleep, he would sink into a deep slumber from exhaustion, so he couldn’t hear what the older guys said. It didn’t matter if they cursed or spat while he was in a state of not hearing. Ki-beom had lived like that for the past ten years. He would get drunk quickly and fall asleep feeling good.

But he didn’t want to do that with Tae-heun. The moment he received the invitation for a beer, he had vowed not to get drunk. Yet, in the end, he did get drunk. The habit ingrained in him crushed his will.

Ki-beom plunged his face back into the water. His father used to torture him like this when he was angry. Sometimes it was Ki-beom, and other times it was another child. It happened every single day. His father would grab his hair and push him down, making it impossible to escape. At first, it was scary and terrifying, but after getting used to it, he learned how to hold his breath. Still, he pretended to struggle for his father’s sake. That way, he could be released sooner.

Father. Why did that bastard, who wasn’t even the director of the orphanage, insist on being called ‘Dad’? Anger surged up suddenly. He shouted underwater. It’s all your fault. Everything that has happened to me is because of you. Not being able to live normally, not being able to love normally, it’s all because of that bastard. And it was also because of the director who turned a blind eye to that bastard’s misdeeds.

Tae-heun was the most beautiful person Ki-beom had ever seen. He still vividly remembered the moment he first saw him. His white skin, sharp features, tall stature, and healthy body. And what about his voice? The man in a suit looked so special, as if he had come from another world. Ki-beom even mistook him for an angel descending.

He had never harbored any ill feelings towards him. Not because he was a man, but because Ki-beom knew better than anyone his own place. Moreover, he was brought by Daeh-ho. A great person who would change his life. Since Daeh-ho had spoken of Tae-heun in such a way, Ki-beom treated him with utmost respect. He couldn’t offer a lavish feast or a nice room, but he did his best.

Contrary to Daeh-ho’s warning, Tae-heun was not picky at all. He was much easier to understand than the capricious older members of the youth association. When he followed Ki-beom to work in the fields, Ki-beom thought he would give up after just one day. However, he complained the whole time but never gave up, and instead seemed to look forward to the mornings when he would go out with Ki-beom. He was a strange man. A good man too.

The decisive moment that eased Ki-beom’s wariness was none other than Tae-heun’s appetite. Despite the simple diet that was often criticized for being what it was, Tae-heun never complained. He ate everything deliciously and never held back on compliments. Among them, he seemed to like the cold buckwheat noodles the most. If he could, Ki-beom wanted to make them for him every day.

Above all, the child also liked Tae-heun. The child was friendly to everyone, but still had preferences, and it seemed like he liked Tae-heun from the very beginning. Tae-heun was equally good with the child. Although he seemed like he would dislike the child at first glance, he was surprisingly good to her. Ki-beom was grateful that he didn’t judge the child based on her appearance, a child who lived in poverty because of her poor father and was pointed at for being the daughter of a cripple. He made the child laugh in place of Ki-beom, who was inherently blunt and not good at jokes. Thanks to Tae-heun, Ki-beom also laughed often. It was a miraculous experience to be able to laugh sincerely without being drunk.

So when Tae-heun confessed that he liked Ki-beom, it was honestly amusing rather than embarrassing. It wasn’t that he found him funny, but rather the innocence of Tae-heun, who mistakenly thought he liked him, was amusing. What does he know about me to say such things? If you knew me, you wouldn’t even dare to say that. He thought he was a comfortable guy. He assumed he lived obliviously to the ways of the world, just like his appearance. He thought he might be of the same kind as Yong-jun. Ki-beom usually didn’t evaluate people, but at that moment, when Tae-heun confessed to him, he evaluated him just like he had with Yong-jun.

That didn’t mean he disliked Tae-heun. Ki-beom liked Tae-heun too. Honestly, he liked him more than Yong-jun. He realized that his heart was leaning towards Tae-heun, who had known him for less than two weeks, rather than Yong-jun, who was the only one who treated him well. His curiosity about him also played a part.

Kim Tae-heun. He was a new kind of human to Ki-beom. The person himself was unique. In uncomfortable situations, he openly complained, and when he wanted to mock someone, he did so thoroughly, yet he was not hated. With a smile that could be real or fake, he quickly changed his demeanor when things got tough. Ki-beom had a talent for saying and doing things he would never dare to do. Thanks to that, Ki-beom felt relieved. He was able to express the words and actions he wanted to say through Tae-heun, which felt refreshing. Perhaps because he was wealthy, he was not looked down upon either.

Every day with him was so enjoyable that Ki-beom sometimes wondered if he was an angel sent by God.

Since living with Tae-heun, many things had changed. Most of them had improved. But if he had to pick the best thing, it was that he no longer had to sleep alone in the grave-like bedroom. Thanks to Tae-heun, who had taken up residence in Ki-beom’s room under the pretext of insomnia, he no longer had to sleep alone in the room he had called a grave.

When Ki-beom fell asleep from hard labor, he would often be engulfed by the fear that he might not wake up again. He was afraid that the child would discover his corpse first. Ki-beom had no desire to die, nor did he have the will to die. He wanted to live as long as possible. He wanted to quietly pass away while watching the child grow up, get married, and become a mother.

Even if he had to rely on alcohol to sleep, like the old man Hwang, who had lost all his teeth and couldn’t sleep due to aching joints, he had to live long. He was borrowing someone else’s life, so he had to. That was why he shuddered in fear when he dreamed of dying. Sometimes he would dream of becoming an old man with white hair, but even then, he couldn’t feel at ease. He would fall asleep again with a more comfortable heart than ever.

Since sharing a room with Tae-heun, Ki-beom had not dreamed of dying. He had been liberated from the dreams that tormented him almost daily. It had been the same when the child was a newborn, and Ji-hye had shared a room with Ki-beom. The child’s breathing and warmth were his lullabies.

The child had been sleeping alone since she was six. After reading in a book that it was necessary, Ki-beom had forcibly separated her, saying he would sleep with her father, even as she cried. After separating from the child, Ki-beom also fell asleep crying. The child had cried for three months like that, but soon she was able to sleep alone. Ki-beom still fell asleep crying.

Disorganized thoughts burst forth and tangled together.

Again, he felt breathless. Ki-beom lifted his head out of the water. He bit his lips to suppress any sounds of crying. It was nice to be able to hide his crying when he cried underwater. Even when he came out of the water, it was less noticeable. So, if he could, he wanted to stay underwater until he could cry his heart out. He learned how to hold his breath with all his might so that no one would notice he was crying.

What he said to Tae-heun was sincere. He truly felt good because of him. Being with him made it genuinely comfortable to breathe. Ki-beom often felt suffocated by the responsibilities and obligations he bore. Things that no one could do for him. Things that could only be done by Ki-beom. Since he started raising the child, he had never been free from those pressures.

But Tae-heun relieved that burden. He did what Ki-beom couldn’t do for the child and helped with what he could. Even the trivial household chores that had become burdensome felt much easier when he helped. Ki-beom had never realized how desperately he needed someone else’s help.

After being surrounded by people who took Ki-beom’s struggles for granted and offered hollow comfort with phrases like, “Everyone lives like that,” he was taken aback to meet someone like Tae-heun, who genuinely wanted to alleviate his struggles. Tae-heun did not take Ki-beom’s hardships for granted and would respond to “But still…” with “Where’s the such thing?”

Before he knew it, Ki-beom could no longer imagine life without Tae-heun. He had become as essential to him as air. To borrow Tae-heun’s words, he was like an oxygen tank.

I like you. Ki-beom had also become swayed by his feelings. It might mean something different from the love Tae-heun spoke of, but he didn’t think it was dirty for Tae-heun to desire him. Ki-beom had never thought of Yong-jun as dirty either. Their love carried the same desires as a father, but it was not coercive, which he was grateful for.{/text}

Ki-beom’s experience of love was intertwined with torment. His father constantly bullied Ki-beom and other children in the name of love. He mentally and physically oppressed countless boys and girls who, like Ki-beom, called him ‘dad.’

Son of a bitch.

He came back out of the water. Tears spilled from his mouth. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand.

Ki-beom found it hard to understand Tae-heun’s desires. Unlike Yongjun, who immediately stripped him and sucked his genitals after confessing, Tae-heun only pondered. He could do whatever he wanted while lying there like a corpse, but he didn’t.

It was strange to see Tae-heun struggling and agonizing while getting aroused by him, and with each time it happened, Ki-beom began to feel increasingly uncomfortable. He was anxious that Tae-heun might no longer like him, that he might drift away.

He finally felt at ease when Tae-heun hugged him. He was shocked when Tae-heun said he wanted to grow old together. It felt as if those words had come straight out of his head, and he was dizzy because he never imagined he would hear such a thing.

That night, Ki-beom couldn’t sleep. He realized that he could receive love without someone grabbing or sucking his genitals. Tae-heun’s love was both delightful and confusing. At the same time, Ki-beom also wanted to touch someone properly. He wanted to embrace Tae-heun like he had done.

Could that be possible? Was it an act permitted for him as well? No.

Ki-beom shook his head vigorously. His father had never allowed such things. Dirty hands. Dirty mouth. His father always told Ki-beom he was dirty. It was his father who secretly called him to a hidden place under the pretext of a date to do dirty things, yet he considered Ki-beom and the other children he called filthy. If he accidentally touched his body, a fist would fly at him. He would glare with a disgusting look and shake him off. That was the kind of ‘date’ Ki-beom had experienced.

Ki-beom was glad that when Tae-heun suggested a ‘date,’ he chose a movie theater instead of a secret space for just the two of them. Ki-beom wanted to date like everyone else, and Tae-heun fulfilled that desire. He was excited. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t nervous, but the excitement was greater. A sense of fullness filled his chest.

When he was sitting next to Tae-heun in the movie theater, he almost touched him but barely held back. Just as Tae-heun did to him, Ki-beom wanted to touch Tae-heun naturally. But he knew all too well that he couldn’t.

Ki-beom wished Tae-heun would get hurt instead. If he got a wound on his foot or anywhere, he could touch him without a second thought, but he had a bad thought. He suddenly became scared that he might become a pervert like his father. That thought constantly tormented Ki-beom’s heart. His father’s curses and the voices of the youth group brothers mocking him as a ‘perverted bastard’ echoed in his ears, driving him mad.

Knowing he shouldn’t drink, Ki-beom unconsciously raised a glass. Drinking made him feel good, and his fear quickly disappeared. He could smile at Tae-heun. Yet, he had promised himself dozens of times not to drink until he was drunk, vowing not to ruin his date with Tae-heun, but he couldn’t control his desires and drank. Perhaps it wasn’t fear but rather an inability to suppress his desire for Tae-heun.

Ki-beom had once revealed his desire and got beaten to a pulp. Since then, he had never desired anyone again. Yet, Tae-heun kept whispering for him to challenge himself. It was not Tae-heun but the voice of a devil. Ki-beom was afraid he would break the taboo he had set for himself. What would happen to the child if he got beaten to death for breaking the taboo? Every time that thought crossed his mind, he drank.

Despite the fear, the time spent with Tae-heun, the conversations they shared, were so wonderful. He wanted to stay like this all night. Watching a movie like everyone else, drinking with others, and sharing trivial conversations felt special. That’s why he kept reaching for the beer glass. This time, it was because he felt too good.

Even Ki-beom couldn’t control himself. He felt both fear and joy, both terror and happiness. A desire that was not permitted for him surged up unexpectedly. Each time, the impulse was just one more drink. Just one more drink, he urged Tae-heun. He drank alcohol like water. Before he knew it, he was laughing, his vision was blurry, and drowsiness was creeping in.

Ki-beom couldn’t help the tears streaming down his face and buried his face in a towel. He wiped his tears and snot repeatedly. He stifled his sobs. He mustn’t cry out loud. That would be worse than touching someone’s body.

That bastard is gone.

Ki-beom whipped himself with the voice of his dead father.

A child worse than a bug.

A child who doesn’t even know his roots.

His father scolded Ki-beom mercilessly.

Then his tears dried up. The redness in his nose and eyes was a physiological phenomenon that he couldn’t do anything about immediately. He had no choice but to wait for time to pass.

Ki-beom wiped his wet hair and cleaned his shirt. Then he left the bathroom. His legs hurt. More precisely, his feet felt like they were going to tear apart. It was because of these damn shoes. They didn’t fit well, but he wore them anyway because he didn’t want to waste them. They said leather would become much more comfortable as it wore down, but the pain had continued for years. Liars. Ki-beom slammed his painful foot on the floor.

He felt dizzy from the alcohol. He wanted to lie down and fall asleep right there, but this wasn’t a place for him to sleep. It was too luxurious for a bug like him. Tae-heun was a good person, paying for a room for him; otherwise, he would have been collapsed somewhere on the street by now.

Ki-beom dragged his aching foot out of the room. He was overwhelmed with sorrow. He couldn’t face Tae-heun.

“I’m sorry, Tae-heun. I’m hopeless.”

He apologized to him, perhaps never to see him again.

Ki-beom wiped his tears.