#76

The two of them got back into the truck. The man who parked the truck not far from home used the truck’s high beams as a flashlight.

The field of the old man with the persimmon tree house was definitely lower in elevation compared to the other fields that Tae-heun had walked through. It was so submerged in water that one might wonder why crops had to be planted in this low land, which was mostly flat in Dongjam-ri. And it was muddy water. When Tae-heun looked to see where the muddy water was coming from, it was flowing down from the low mountain right in front of him.

“Everything’s flooded, where do we drain it?”

“We can use the drainage from other houses.”

The man spoke casually, as if he had done this a few times before.

Looking back, Tae-heun could see several intact fields around. Those fields were also low-lying, but perhaps due to different water paths, they were only slightly submerged and did not seem to have suffered any damage. It didn’t seem to be just a problem with the drainage. Why was it that only the old man’s field was affected? There must be a reason why the man was holding back his words.

After roughly gauging the distance, the man returned to the truck. Tae-heun followed him like a baby bird following its mother. The man went to the cargo area and pulled out a blue tarpaulin-covered water pump and a water container.

“Let’s carry it together.”

“It’s not heavy. Tae-heun, can you hold the hose?”

Inside the tarpaulin was a long hose, about the thickness of a forearm. One was a blue, somewhat rigid product, while the other seemed to be made of cloth and was fluttering, but the blue one was quite heavy. Tae-heun slung the hose over both shoulders and followed the man. The man found a flat spot to set down the water pump, and Tae-heun arrived just in time.

The rain intensified. The sound of raindrops hitting the raincoat was loud. The man silently opened the water cap and poured water inside. Then he firmly connected one of the holes of the water pump to the blue hose and attached the cloth hose to the other end. Normally, he would have asked various questions, but seeing that it was raining and time was tight, he didn’t ask anything.

It seemed that the preparations were finally complete. The man took the blue hose and walked toward the flooded field. Tae-heun was holding the water pump to keep it from losing balance. The man placed the hose near the field and then returned, this time moving with the remaining hose toward the area where drainage was going smoothly.

After adjusting the hose a few more times to secure it, the man pulled the line to start the pump. After three tries, the pump roared to life and began sucking in water. Or perhaps it should be said it started spitting it out. In any case, as the two hoses performed their respective roles properly, the crops that had been submerged in muddy water began to gradually reveal themselves.

Tae-heun looked up at the sky. The rain showed no signs of stopping. Even if they drained the water now, if it continued to rain like this, the field would be flooded again. The man’s comment about possibly staying up all night was not unfounded.

Once a certain amount of water had drained, the man quickly organized the hoses.

“Are we leaving the field like this?”

“Yes, for now.”

The man replied while looking back at the field. Even to Tae-heun, who knew nothing about farming, it seemed there were no crops to salvage.

With a faint sigh, the man picked up the water pump and water container. Tae-heun, like before, gathered the hoses and returned to the truck. After putting the items back in the cargo area and covering them well with the tarpaulin, the man immediately took the wheel.

“We’re going to the rice paddies.”

“Okay.”

Unlike when they came here, the man’s expression seemed relaxed.

“Will the paddies be okay?”

“Yes. The chairman pays a lot of attention to the drainage facilities, so they rarely get flooded. The water supply is good too.”

“Then we don’t need to check, do we?”

“Just in case.”

The rural area in the early morning rain was quite busy. There were several people out checking the rice paddies besides the man. They all commented that this year had seen less rain than usual, expressing their relief at the falling rain.

Overall, they seemed relaxed. It was as if they didn’t need to come out, but like the man, they were there just in case. Among them, a few who had been short on water opened the drainage holes they had closed to catch the water flowing from the drainage.

The man drove the truck slowly, greeting everyone he passed with a loud hello. Even though they were far away and the sound of the rain made it hard to hear, they recognized him and called out “Ji-hye’s dad” or “Ki-beom” and added “Good job” in response.

Thus, they arrived at the land that would be the man’s rice paddy next year. He parked the truck on the farm road and walked toward the nearby rice paddy.

Was it 8,000 pyeong?

Tae-heun stood with the man in front of the vast rice paddy. With only the high beams from the truck illuminating the area, standing alone with the man felt strange. It felt as if only the two of them remained in this world.

The rain began to ease. The raindrops that had been relentlessly hitting the raincoat softened. Tae-heun felt so good in this moment alone with the man that he thought he could remain silent forever.

How long did they stand like that?

“I’m going to raise ducks next year.”

The man suddenly said.

The moment Tae-heun heard the word ‘next year,’ he froze. His mind snapped back to reality.

“Next year?”

It was a question anyone would ask, “Ducks?” But Tae-heun asked about ‘next year.’ For him, next year felt like a distant future, and the probability of not being by the man’s side was high. Thinking about that made his legs tremble. It was no surprise that he was struggling to breathe. He had felt this way earlier at the market too.

“Yes. I’m going to raise ducks next year.”

The man seemed unaware of Tae-heun’s change. His excited voice was proof of that.

Even though Tae-heun hadn’t asked, the man began to explain calmly why he had decided to raise ducks next year.

“This spring, a professor who teaches agriculture at our country’s top university came to town. He was invited by the agricultural cooperative, and he said that the future of agriculture depends on organic farming. He shared various organic farming methods, and there were many fascinating things. Among them, ducks were the most impressive. I haven’t heard of anyone doing it around here, but I found out that there are a few families doing it in Jeolla-do and Gyeongsang-do for several years now.”

The man shared what he had learned about using ducks to prevent weeds and pests instead of spraying large amounts of pesticides. His voice was dreamy.

“Not all of it, just a few hundred pyeong as a trial.”

Though his expression was hidden, he was surely filled with anticipation.

“Why next year? We could do it this year, right?”

Tae-heun asked, his throat tight, barely managing to speak.

“This year, it’s not my field, and from now until fall, I’m too busy to have the time. After the harvest, I’ll be free then. But I plan to start fixing the chicken coop in the meantime. Doing it alone takes a lot of effort and time, so I thought I should get started early.”

“Why alone? I’m here too!”

Tae-heun shouted.

The man flinched and turned around. His expression was hidden by the raincoat.

“Tae-heun, you won’t be here, right?”

Even though he was right next to him, it felt strangely distant.

“Me? Why do you think that?”

Tae-heun asked, as if challenging him.

“You’re someone who will be leaving soon….”

The man replied hesitantly.

In that moment, Tae-heun shuddered in fear. It was a feeling close to terror. The fact that he might not be by the man’s side had somehow turned into a fear. Although it wasn’t an incorrect statement, it felt that way. From the beginning, Tae-heun was not someone who would stay long. Yet, the man’s words felt disappointing. Why couldn’t he just say not to go, that he hoped they could be together longer, even if it was just empty words? He hated how honest the man was.

“What if I don’t go?”

Tae-heun insisted, barely holding back tears.

“If you don’t go, will you be with me then?”

“…….”

“Why are you silent?”

“…….”

“Do you dislike Ki-beom?”

“…No.”

“Then? Is it still not that way? Is it impossible for you and me?”

After asking, he felt it was a pointless question. Tae-heun scratched his eyebrows in frustration. He was so tense that he bit his short nails, which he had no reason to chew on.

The man hesitated for a long time before speaking.

“I don’t know.”

He looked far away, into the void. It was unclear whether he was looking at the rice paddy or the dark sky.

“It’s not that I dislike you. Honestly, I like you too.”

Tae-heun felt a wave of relief. The man’s admission made his tense body relax.

“But I really don’t know. I don’t know how to do it. I mean… being together. I’ve never done anything like that, so I really don’t know.”

The man shyly yet calmly expressed his feelings.

The man liked Tae-heun. He had been living alone for so long that he didn’t know how to be with someone, especially someone he liked, and had just been hesitating.

Tae-heun should have been overjoyed and jumped for joy at the man’s near confession, but he couldn’t. In this crucial moment, he was scared because he couldn’t see the man’s face or expression. He feared that the man hidden beneath the raincoat might be an illusion, that he might disappear.

Tae-heun recalled the time he had gone to Seoul around the time his funeral was held. He hadn’t realized he liked the man then, but he had felt a vague fear that he might disappear. Now, that fear was tenfold, no, a hundredfold more intense and felt very real.

In the future, the man would be absent from Kim Tae-heun’s side.

In the future, Kim Tae-heun would not be by the man’s side.

Just thinking about it was terrifying, and Tae-heun shuddered.

Damn it. I’m scared out of my mind.

It was a type of fear he had never felt before. It was so frightening that he wanted to run away right then. He wanted to turn away. Even though the man had finally confessed that he liked him, he was cowardly only thinking of escaping. In the midst of it all, he was anxious that the man might misinterpret his silence.

Tae-heun finally mustered the courage to look back at the man. The man was still staring straight ahead. His face was already obscured by the raincoat, and with the light behind him, it was impossible to discern his expression. He felt anxious. If he didn’t hold on now, the man might disappear forever.

He wanted to see what kind of expression the man was making.

He wanted to feel the man’s breath, the warmth of his skin.

Overcome by a strong impulse, Tae-heun stepped forward and stood facing the man. The man, caught off guard by Tae-heun’s sudden appearance, took a step back in surprise.

Tae-heun couldn’t bear to see the man retreating. He reached out his arms and grabbed him. He had tightly grasped a mirage.

“Stay close.”

Just like now.

Tae-heun said this while gazing at the man.

The man briefly widened his eyes in surprise before returning to his original expression. It was somewhat indifferent, a calm face.

I want to be with this man forever.

Tae-heun took another step closer to the man. With Tae-heun’s arms around him and the narrow rice paddy path, the man couldn’t step back. Both the man and Tae-heun were in danger of toppling over with just half a step.

He could feel the man’s warm breath. It was dizzyingly sweet. His heart raced. Just touching lips would lead to a kiss, and just embracing would lead to a hug. Perhaps they could even take action right there. It seemed anything was possible if he just set his mind to it.

But Tae-heun couldn’t do that. Before he had grabbed the man, he felt he could do anything, but now that he was holding him, it felt awkward. Instinctively, his body stiffened, and he was flustered, not knowing what to do. Even though he had impulsively bitten the man’s lips, ears, and neck, he had never done such things with a man before.

It was quite absurd.

In the end, Tae-heun couldn’t even bring his lips to the man, nor could he embrace him. They just stood facing each other in an awkward and uncomfortable posture. Even the man’s breath, which felt sweet to the point of dizziness, became repulsive. The more he was conscious of it, the more his body stiffened. The fear he had felt just moments ago completely vanished.

“Um….”

The man lightly pushed his arm away, as if to say that it was enough now to let go of the hand he was holding. Tae-heun’s lips merely flinched, and he released his arm. He could see the man letting out a sigh of relief. Or was it a sigh of disappointment?

Damn it. He couldn’t understand himself for being so formal now. It wasn’t the first time he had stood facing the man. Just two days ago, they had been smoking together in front of a wall, and he had been trying to burn the filter that had touched the man’s lips and saliva. He knew the man had a penis.

But the moment he thought he wanted to kiss him properly, to hold him, everything went awry. It was clear that he loved the man.

“Fucking bastard, impotent bastard.”

He cursed himself for missing the opportunity of a lifetime, clutching his head. In the meantime, the man had moved away.

The man strolled along the narrow ridge of the rice field, checking the fields on either side. Occasionally, he would step into the field to check the bowed rice or pull out weeds, taking his time. Even though he had distanced himself from Tae-heun, he didn’t seem to notice at all.

Tae-heun gazed at the man blankly. He looked so peaceful that it made him feel jealous. His sexual desire surged again. He was angry at himself for feeling this way every time he distanced himself from the man, as if he were a green frog.

He thought only the man’s world was solid. He believed that if he could just break that, if he could disrupt that calm and serene surface, everything would go smoothly. He had thought too easily, not realizing that his own world was even more solid.

What kind of privilege was it to have lived as a heterosexual all his life? Damn it. He spat out curses. It was just a hug. A kiss. And yet, his body had stiffened. It had become uncomfortable. If he felt this way over simple skinship, how could he dare to enter the man’s world? He smiled bitterly.

Tae-heun imagined diving into the world of the man who was swimming leisurely in the fields. But in the end, he couldn’t approach the man and trudged off in the opposite direction.

His heart was complicated. Wasn’t the illusion the fear he felt, not the man? No, that wasn’t it. His feelings for the man and his aroused body might all just be a mirage. Perhaps all of this was a dream, and he was still bound in the office of Sunlight Financial, dreaming sweet dreams while being consumed by the stench there.

The man moved further away.

If he disappeared without a word, the man would worry, but knowing that, he couldn’t stop. With nowhere to go, he walked aimlessly. It was close to fleeing, so he tried to distance himself as quickly as possible. The man, busy checking the fields, didn’t notice Tae-heun disappearing, and even if he had, he would have already been out of sight.

How pitiful.

It was a misfortune of his own making.