#183

Kim Delivery Hyung’s phone rang. Unlike Tae-heun’s cell phone, which was always on vibrate, Hyung’s made quite a racket. Yoon Ki-beom figured his own probably made a similar noise, but he liked the Man’s vibration setting. Zhee-ing-. Even though the vibration was strong, he liked the sense of stability it gave.

“Yes. Gimje Senior Welfare Center.”

Kim Delivery answered the phone in a voice as loud as the ringtone.

They were approaching Gimje, and Delivery Hyung was driving very leisurely, holding the steering wheel with one hand and the phone with the other. Ki-beom didn’t think he could ever do that, no matter what.

“Oh. Yeah. You even called first, you’ve become a real Man. What happened?”

Delivery Hyung glanced at Ki-beom and asked cautiously.

A long silence followed. The other person was still talking, and Kim Delivery Hyung mostly just listened, adding the occasional interjection. It was the first time Ki-beom had seen Hyung with such a serious expression. It was funny to say “first time” when he hadn’t known him that long, but it was true.

Besides, his tone and actions were awkward. It was as if he was subtly watching Ki-beom’s reaction.

No, that wasn’t it. Ki-beom thought it was probably just someone he didn’t want to talk to, someone he felt uncomfortable with.

“Be careful. Even if they look like pushovers, they’re big shots in that world. If you let your guard down, you’re done for. I’ve said it a million times, you guys are great at everything, but your finishing is always lacking. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Let’s have a drink at my place when this is over. You know my Pastor’s wife’s cooking is amazing, right? Sure. Just say the word, just say the word. I’ll treat you right.”

Delivery Hyung, who had been listening to the other person for almost five minutes, finally broke the long silence and spoke volubly. Inviting him to his house meant he didn’t completely dislike the guy.

He didn’t know. Ki-beom always found it difficult to read people’s minds.

Ki-beom deliberately looked out the car window, as if he were eavesdropping on someone else’s phone call. He covered his ears, trying not to hear anything. He didn’t have to physically cover his ears; he could just block it out with his mind. It was one of the skills he had learned at the orphanage.

He had dreamed about the orphanage all night, which made him feel even more unsettled. Even though it was because of the anesthetic, it felt too vivid. He was embarrassed that even memories he thought he had forgotten had resurfaced.

Living as Yoon Ki-beom, living as Ji-hye’s Father, he really thought he had forgotten everything. He had tried so hard to forget that he actually had. But it seemed he hadn’t really forgotten.

Ki-beom wanted to see Ji-hye soon. He felt like he could go back to the way things were in an instant if he saw the the child.

“…So, to my house. Hey, are you listening?”

Delivery Hyung, who had finished his call, was looking at him.

“Oh, I wasn’t listening. What were you thinking about that you didn’t even hear me talking?”

Hyung scolded him.

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You knew I was on the phone and deliberately spaced out, right?”

“Yes.”

He smiled awkwardly.

“Seriously, how can someone be so kind and polite? Huh?”

Delivery Hyung started praising him again. Yesterday, even though they had only met an hour ago, he had been praising Ki-beom for everything he did. He had just been staggering around drunk, he hadn’t really done anything particularly well.

Hyung was a very good Man. He was generous and warm-hearted. So, he only saw the good in others and only saw the good, so he had a lot to praise. He resolved to live like that himself.

“Oh, I forgot to mention, Prosecutor Jeong said to take you to my house first today.”

“Yes? Not going straight to Seoul?”

Ki-beom asked in surprise.

“Well, it seems the situation is a bit complicated right now. It wouldn’t be good to move rashly, and it’s better to go when it’s safe, since you’re going back anyway. Don’t you think? You’re going to see the the child, too.”

“Ah… yes.”

He must have been talking about this outside when only Tae-heun and he were there.

He thought he would be going to Seoul around 1 or 2 PM to see Ji-hye. He thought he would be at that tteokbokki place that Ji-hye liked, but he had to go to Delivery Hyung’s house. Ki-beom was quite disappointed. But Delivery Hyung’s words made perfect sense, so he decided to do as he was told.

The Prosecutor must be very smart, so he would take care of it. Besides, Delivery Hyung said he was Prosecutor’s Jeong’s childhood friend. There was no need to doubt it.

“Okay?”

“Yes. It’s okay.”

“Did I tell you? My Pastor’s wife’s cooking is amazing?”

Delivery Hyung had said the same thing to the person he had just been talking to, and Ki-beom chuckled.

He liked the way Delivery Hyung cherished his wife. He made unnecessary comments about her appearance and personality, but otherwise, he only bragged about her.

“Is there anything you want to eat? I’ll make anything. My Pastor’s wife is at her parents’ house right now, but I’m a pretty good cook myself.”

“I’ll just eat whatever you give me.”

“I knew you’d say that. Look forward to it. I’ll set the table so full it’ll break. It’s the perfect time to go to the market early in the morning. Can we stop by the market on the way?”

“Of course.”

Hyung was so cheerful that Ki-beom felt like his cheerfulness was rubbing off on him. He didn’t even remember being disappointed a moment ago.

Tae-heun was just as flamboyant when it came to fussing over things. He was the one who always praised Ki-beom’s bare table. He would praise and enjoy the Young radish kimchi noodles he made as if it were a feast. He was always happy to give him a thumbs up.

By the way, was Tae-heun getting to Jeonju okay?

He hoped finding the stolen car wouldn’t be too much of a hassle.

Ki-beom smiled faintly, thinking of Tae-heun.

He didn’t realize he would miss him so much after only being apart for a day. Besides, he thought he was the only one feeling that way, but it seemed Tae-heun felt the same way, which made his heart flutter. The kisses and make-out sessions were still sweet.

Here it goes again.

He didn’t know why he always had lewd thoughts whenever he thought of Tae-heun.

Ki-beom was embarrassed, as if someone had read his mind. He was flushed all over, not from excitement, but from shame.

As if on cue, Father’s voice rang in his ears.

‘You should be used to it by now, but why do you turn red every time? Do you like it that much? You son of a bitch. You horny pig.’

Father chuckled.

Being the one getting fucked, who is he calling a son of a bitch?

Ki-beom clenched his fist without realizing it.

Father’s auditory hallucination, which had started again on the day of his first date with Tae-heun, had been intervening like this ever since. The only good thing was that it didn’t happen when he was alone with Tae-heun. It didn’t happen when he spent the night with Tae-heun or when he had sex with him.

If it had, Ki-beom wouldn’t have stood for it.

What would you do if you didn’t stand for it?

Someone asked.

I’d have to kill him.

Ki-beom was startled by his own answer and covered his mouth.

He looked back at Delivery Hyung, wondering if he had made a sound.

Delivery Hyung was humming a trot song and concentrating on driving.

He didn’t seem to have made any noise.

Relieved, Ki-beom trembled.

How can you kill someone who’s already dead?

He thought to himself, holding his breath,

Who’s dying?

Someone else asked.

Father, I mean.

Ki-beom whispered.

Idiot, it’s not Father who’s dead, it’s Yoon Ki-beom!

Shhh!

Ki-beom was startled and raised his index finger to his lips.

“Why? Do you have something to say?”

Delivery Hyung glanced back and asked.

“Yes?”

“No. You said ‘shhh,’ so I thought you said something. Wasn’t it you?”

“Ah… no. I was going to sing along to the song, but I didn’t know the lyrics. Never mind.”

He was rambling. He could feel his face turning red.

“You can get the lyrics wrong. Why are you so embarrassed about that? I get them wrong all the time.”

Then,

“A the man needs confidence! Repeat after me, confidence!”

He said.

Ki-beom smiled awkwardly and said, “Confidence.”

“But hey, how many painkillers did you take earlier?”

“Well, two.”

Actually, he had taken three or four. He had pretended not to be in pain, but when the effects of the medicine wore off, it was excruciating. It was his arm that hurt, but it felt like his wisdom teeth were being pulled out.

“That was what you took at the greenhouse. You took some before getting in the car, too.”

“Ah.”

He didn’t remember. Did I take medicine before getting in the car?

“Aigoo. It’s a big deal if you take too much. It’s a narcotic painkiller, so if you’re not careful, you can have auditory hallucinations and see things.”

“Ah, yes.”

Ki-beom smiled awkwardly.

“If you feel strange, be sure to tell me. A younger brother I knew once took a bunch of painkillers and was sleeping soundly, but suddenly jumped out of a moving car. He thought someone had kidnapped him. He almost died.”

Ki-beom nodded vigorously at Delivery Hyung’s rather serious words and repeatedly said that he was okay.

“I didn’t take that many.”

He lied.

Then he felt relieved inside.

The auditory hallucinations he had been hearing since earlier must have been because of the medicine. He didn’t know that and thought he was going crazy.

Still, he felt uneasy.

Even if it was an auditory hallucination, it said I was dead.

It said Yoon Ki-beom was dead.

Who’s dying when I’m alive and well like this?

Ki-beom was dumbfounded.

It was definitely a familiar voice.

But he couldn’t remember it at all.

Who could it be?

After pondering for a while, he shook his head violently. He tried to shake off the distracting thoughts by thinking of Ji-hye’s smiling face.

Ki-beom wasn’t the thinking type. He had realized early on that it was useless, so he tried not to do it.

Father Pastor often said. Pastor’s wife Mother did, too.

Bad thoughts are like pests that gnaw at us. So, if you’re going to think, only think good thoughts, and if you’re not, don’t think at all.

Ki-beom tried to remember the faces of his kind Father and Mother. But somehow, he couldn’t remember anything. He liked them so much, he loved them so much, but all he could remember were their trivial habits, their way of speaking, their voices.

Yoon Ki-beom had memorized his parents’ photos from looking at them so much, but he had no memory of the Pastor and Pastor’s wife who had taken him in and raised him.

Ki-beom didn’t have a single photo of them left. When he was transferred to Galilla Orphanage, all of his personal belongings that he had taken from the church, including the few photos that Pastor’s wife Mother had given him, were taken away.

The church!

Why hadn’t he thought of that?

Ki-beom had never thought of going back to Onjeong Church.

Father hadn’t been in prison for life, and he would have been released by the time he was in middle school, but he had never gone to the church to see Father and Mother.

He felt sad that his life at Galilla had worn him down so much that he had forgotten the most important people in the world.

But it wasn’t too late yet.

He resolved to be brave and ask Tae-heun to go with him when he returned, and Ki-beom barely returned to reality.

Delivery Hyung turned up the volume on the stereo, as if it were his favorite song.

I told you to forget, I asked you to forget, but I still can’t forget you.

I know the lyrics to this song.

Ki-beom was surprised and sang along silently.

Forever and ever, until the day you live

No, even if I die, I’ll never forget you

He was singing about love, but Ki-beom was lost in thought again.

Forever. Eternally.

He hoped he could forget the memories he wanted to forget.

Perhaps Ki-beom’s wish would never come true.

184 – Chapter Title Without Number