By Zephyria 
For a moment, an unidentifiable silence flowed. Amid the subtle current where only the faint sound of the TV trickled, Yeon-jun, who had been awkwardly rolling his eyes with an ambiguous, embarrassed expression, subtly slid his gaze away from the one he met. The movement of his Adam’s apple as he did so clearly entered his field of vision.
Eun-ha remained silent, taking in that distinctly awkward reaction. It was Yeon-jun who broke the atmosphere that seemed like it would last forever. In an instant, he smoothed his expression as if nothing had happened and spoke in a carefully refined tone.
“Shall we call it a night?”
As if calmly smoothing over the situation. Despite the blatantly obvious suggestion, Eun-ha still showed no particular reaction, merely staring blankly at Yeon-jun. He was lost in thought. Because that series of situations, which Eun-ha had occasionally felt recently and which had given him a suspicious feeling, had recurred again.
Let’s wrap things up and sleep. As we’ve done until now, let’s lie in the same bed, just holding hands, simply sticking close together, and sleep in the literal sense of ‘sleep.’
Eun-ha narrowed his eyes slightly. In fact, that itself was questionable. Having no particular events, sleeping only in the literal sense. The maximum skin contact being a hug. Engaging in such minor skin contact frequently yet not showing the slightest hint of sexual desire.
And it wasn’t just that. How should I put it… Eun-ha had occasionally sensed from Yeon-jun an intention to gently shift the atmosphere like this. It usually happened when they were alone in enclosed spaces like the house or car. The intention was readable, but the reason was completely unknown. Why he did it every time. An inner motive impossible to infer within Eun-ha’s common sense.
Since it was a topic he wanted to mention at least once, he pondered briefly and opened his mouth. Still with an impassive face.
“Yeon-jun. I’m just curious.”
“Yes.”
“Do you not really feel like doing anything sexual with me?”
“Huh?”
A voice that jumped out unexpectedly came back. As if the person was flustered.
A momentary troubled look seeped into the pupils facing him. As if he hadn’t expected such words to be spoken so directly. Even under the flustered gaze fixed on him, Eun-ha maintained his nonchalant attitude.
“I’m not saying anything, I’m genuinely curious.”
Why is it? Why does he act as if diverting the conversation whenever there seems to be a hint in that direction?
The reasonable conclusion reached after contemplation was this. Perhaps, maybe he just doesn’t want to go that far.
He said he wasn’t originally inclined that way. He said he had a girlfriend before.
We’ve already slept together once. Maybe he tried it once then and realized. That vague curiosity and reality don’t match.
It was logically deducible, but separately, it didn’t sit well with understanding. Is it possible to like someone but not want sex? Is it something like platonic, or whatever that is.
Platonic. A word that couldn’t exist in Eun-ha’s dictionary.
But separate from that, of course, he had the intention to respect and accommodate. The feeling that what can you do with someone who doesn’t want to.
The answer didn’t come back for quite a long time. Instead, Yeon-jun, who had turned his gaze to a distant direction, let out a slight groan in his throat and cleared it dryly. After such hesitation, finally, a voice came with a barely audible sigh.
“It’s that.”
“Yeah.”
“For now.”
“Okay.”
“…Obviously, it’s not that I don’t feel like it, right?”
A tone with the awkwardness fully melted in. As if talking about such a topic is a bit embarrassing.
Eun-ha silently turned his gaze. Taking in the familiar sight of the man’s reddened ear tip, he asked as if genuinely curious. So it’s not that you don’t feel like it?
“But why?”
“It’s that…”
“Yeah.”
“So, you know…”
“Okay.”
“…I don’t think we’re at that level yet.”
“…That level?”
What level is that? It was an unclear answer. Even more perplexed, Eun-ha momentarily blanked out at the immediately following explanation and couldn’t help but let out a short laugh.
“Since we haven’t been dating for long yet…”
“…What?”
What about what?
The unexpected reason brought a moment of pure 100% absurdity. What did I just hear?
Amid the absurdity, he calmly organized his thoughts. So… it’s not that he doesn’t want to, but since we haven’t been together long—.
What, is he holding back or something?
“……”
At the truly preposterous reason, the corners of his mouth helplessly fell. Eun-ha, having lost his words, made an ambiguous expression as if about to laugh.
Naturally, an old memory occupied his mind. A really old past. The first day he started seeing Kim Ji-woon.
That day, Eun-ha slept with him right away. The relationship experienced abruptly in an unprepared state was only painful and had no physical merits, but separately, his feelings at the time weren’t so bad. Because that Hyung was excited and clung to him like crazy below. Because he faithfully revealed it without thinking to refine his desire. As if he accepted my confession just to do that thing.
It was, for example, a kind of mental satisfaction. That he likes me this much while being with me. That’s how he learned about sex. Therefore, for Eun-ha, feelings belonged to a subcategory of sex. In short, it’s like this. You can have a relationship without feelings, but if you have feelings, you inevitably desire a relationship.
“So—.”
“Yeah.”
“I want to follow a somewhat normal sequence.”
“Normal?”
So how could he not laugh? Eun-ha silently let out a breath. The more he heard, the more ridiculous the reason was.
What’s normal? What do you know? Saying it’s my first time. What do you know? Aren’t you really funny, this…
Feeling that he must have gone through various thoughts and worries in his own mind made the laughter burst out even more. To the point where the man before him looked not just naive but utterly cute.
Instantly, a mischievous impulse jumping out was a natural result. Eun-ha tilted his head slightly and leaned his face in. Narrowing the distance between them, he made his eyes gleam meaningfully.
“So, you’ll hold back?”
“……”
“For my sake?”
“Well…”
Yeon-jun slightly pulled his neck back as much as Eun-ha leaned in and dragged out his words evasively. Then he soon nodded. Needless to say, the mischievous feeling intensified even more at that agreement.
What kind of competitive spirit is this? After pondering briefly, Eun-ha, as if it didn’t matter, brushed aside his thoughts and moved his heart into action.
“Okay. So you’ll hold back.”
“Yes.”
“You can hold back.”
“……”
Around the time Yeon-jun made a puzzled look at the repeated questions, Eun-ha leaned his face even further forward. This time, he hooked his arm around his neck, fixing him so he couldn’t pull back.
Before Yeon-jun could properly grasp the situation, he simply pressed his lips against his. While meeting his gaze. Very easily and naturally. The moment the eyes facing him widened. He vividly felt the entire body close to him stiffen.