By Zephyria 
Eun-ha’s lips twitched, then closed them slightly, feeling helplessly powerless from the endlessly exposed inner thoughts.
His feelings were endlessly overwhelming. At the same time, he realized anew. What kind of existence had he been to this kid all this time? And how often had he hurt such a kid?
Had he promised to do well? Eun-ha thought indifferently with a hint of emptiness. Truly, it was an undeserved promise.
Trapped in the embrace, he quietly prolonged the silence for a while before suddenly opening his mouth.
“Yeon-jun.”
“……Yes.”
“I’ll do well too.”
It seemed like a vague promise. The uncertain feelings remained… but it seemed there was something of higher priority.
Liking the appearance this kid likes. Not wanting to hurt this kid’s feelings. Feeling worse when seeing tears… For now, I want to focus only on that.
\ \ *
That day, after being held for a long time and then released, Eun-ha could see Yeon-jun’s still unsubsided, heavily reddened eye corners. Eyes that turned away as if avoiding the gaze that was intently fixed on him, and in contrast, transparently flushed ear tips.
Since he seemed embarrassed, Eun-ha deliberately teased him to lighten the mood. Asking what he would do with so many tears. The answer came immediately. A firm, sharply cut denial.
‘……I don’t cry that much.’
That voice, thick with moisture, made the corners of his mouth itch. Though he didn’t smile.
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’
‘Really… I see. I really didn’t know.’
‘Ah, Hyung….’
When he replied half-heartedly without soul, Yeon-jun whined, dragging out his words as if wronged. Eun-ha snorted and smiled indifferently, slowly getting up. Yeon-jun trailed behind, continuing to explain. It’s really a misunderstanding. Please forget it. I’m not that kind of person…
‘That kind of person?’
Eun-ha burst out laughing at the last remark. Since last time, what does “that kind of person” even mean?
When he turned back slightly incredulously, Yeon-jun, who had stopped following, rolled his eyes. Then he began fiddling with his own bangs unnecessarily.
‘It’s just… it’s too childish. That kind of thing.’
‘Hmm.’
The corners of the eyes facing him seemed to droop. Despite having a sharp impression that couldn’t possibly look that way, he strangely appeared docile.
Did he mean he didn’t like looking childish? Eun-ha tilted his head and looked Yeon-jun up and down. But, to keep that in mind… You are a kid. Not childish, that’s the truth.
Having thought that far, Eun-ha shook his head inwardly. It seemed like a thought that wouldn’t benefit the current him at all. And Yeon-jun probably wouldn’t want that content either.
‘Is that so.’
Instead, he replied indifferently and looked ahead. Observing Yeon-jun, who seemed to be concerned, he silently took a step closer. Slowly reaching his hand toward the eye area, Yeon-jun flinched and slightly pulled back his neck. Maintaining an expressionless face, Eun-ha brought his fingers to Yeon-jun’s hair. He began neatly arranging the bangs that were disheveled from being touched randomly.
It was a somewhat deliberate, conscious act. Because the act of dating felt extremely awkward and unfamiliar. It was to imprint what it was, what it had been, into his senses. It seemed that without putting in some effort, it would take considerable time to adapt.
Under the gentle touch, Yeon-jun gradually took on a dazed expression. Eun-ha met the eyes blinking slowly as if dreaming, with indifference.
‘Don’t mind it. I like it.’
‘…….’
‘Your honesty, and how everything shows on your face.’
‘……You like it?’
‘Yes.’
It was pure sincerity. That point always felt novel, was fascinating, and from some point, even evoked the feeling of being cute.
Though Yeon-jun tilted his head as if not quite agreeing, Eun-ha only shrugged his shoulders lightly.
After that, they stayed a bit longer before inevitably heading to work. Yeon-jun, who naturally tried to accompany him, was left behind. When specifically requested that he needed time alone, Yeon-jun reluctantly but obediently complied.
Arriving at the cafe earlier than usual, he had to spend a long time lost in thought with a preoccupied expression. Unlike the calm and indifferent attitude he maintained while at that house, his mind was in a complex state, feeling like it would burst. Yet, on the other hand, it became clear precisely because it was too complex. As if the tangled insides, knotted to the limit, finally crumbled into an unrecognizable shape.
After carefully organizing his thoughts, Eun-ha frankly reached a final conclusion. Maybe good is just good.
Because that kid likes me that much.
I might not be to that extent… No. Definitely not.
But it’s also true that I like that kid. If I had absolutely no feelings like before, it would be different, but that’s not the case anymore.
If I try. If I do well. Perhaps.
……Maybe I can also have a normal relationship, an ordinary relationship, something like that.
It was then. A call came from Yeon-jun. After a bit of hesitation, when he answered, the voice that came through was subtly excited with joy.
– Hyung.
‘Yes.’
– Are we really dating?
At the somewhat abrupt question, Eun-ha only made a blank expression. What followed was an even more puzzled tone.
– You and me?
‘……Didn’t we agree on that this morning?’
– I suddenly can’t feel it…
At the answer, trembling as if deeply moved, a laugh escaped unintentionally. Perhaps hearing it, a small laugh burst from the other side as well. What followed was a voice similarly trembling with emotion.
– What are you doing now, Hyung?
‘Nothing, just being.’
– I miss you…
‘It hasn’t been that long since we parted.’
– It feels like it’s been days.
‘Really.’
– I miss you so much right now… What are you doing after work?
‘……Nothing.’
– Then, want to eat?
It was a voice swollen with expectation and longing. What more could he say? Eun-ha let out a light sigh and answered as if surrendering, saying yes. Ending the call after a reply filled with a tone of joy.
It was an unusually blue-sky noon. A certain summer that suddenly became idle right after the university vacation. Eun-ha put his phone down on the table and leaned back. Sitting at an indoor seat on the second floor with a good view of the terrace, blankly staring at the ceiling, his own past vaguely came to mind.
Days of the past when, after numerous heartaches and courtship-that-wasn’t-courtship, he succeeded in a relationship and was blissfully happy.
Not believing it, pinching his cheeks several times, constantly confirming with the other person, and still not convinced, floundering in a dazed state for days…
Probably, that kid now feels the same as he did back then.
Recalling the recent call, Eun-ha vaguely intuited. For a while, each day might be quite noisy and urgent. Perhaps he would live those hectic days, like someone whose life consists only of dating, meeting and contacting the other person without a moment to breathe. Exactly like his past self.
And Eun-ha’s premonition didn’t miss. He vividly felt it starting that very night.