By Zephyria His heart gradually quickened as he climbed the stairs. What kind of reaction would Ashley show when he saw him? He couldn’t even imagine it. But his feet didn’t slow down; they only got faster and faster. The desire to see Ashley was so strong that he didn’t have time to think about anything else.
When he finally stood in front of the door to the second-floor room where Ashley was, he even felt a little dizzy due to his excited heart and rapid breathing. Koi took a deep breath and grabbed the doorknob. He moved his trembling hand and finally opened the door.
A cool breeze greeted him first. Soon, the ordinary scenery of the room unfolded beyond the wide-open door. There was a king-size bed on one side and a fireplace on the other, and a man was standing with his back to him. His tall height and broad shoulders were definitely the man Koi knew.
Koi desperately suppressed his pounding heart and stepped inside. As he closed the door behind him, the noise from downstairs moved to the balcony. He barely took a few steps with trembling feet when the man seemed to notice someone’s presence and turned his head.
Ah.Koi froze in place. Ash was the same. He stood there, silently gazing at Koi, not saying a word. His platinum blonde hair, slightly disheveled by the breeze, his towering height, and the violet eyes that stared at Koi were all as he remembered.
It was Ash.
Koi’s vision blurred, and he quickly sniffled. Ashley seemed the same, yet different. Dressed neatly in a white shirt, tie, and suit, he felt somehow foreign. Hesitating at the perhaps natural distance, Ashley moved first. All he did was slowly raise one hand.
“Hey.”
Koi paused again. Only then did he realize what the biggest difference was. Ashley was smoking a cigarette.
Koi stared at the cigarette, its tip glowing red, as Ashley inhaled and slowly exhaled the smoke. The familiar sight left Koi speechless. The tears that had welled up in his eyes disappeared, and he belatedly cleared his throat and opened his mouth.
“Um… long time no see.”
“…Yeah.”
Ashley replied. Koi was relieved that he wasn’t being ignored.
“Y-you’re smoking.”
Choosing a relatively safe topic, Koi spoke, and Ashley, as if to show off, brought the cigarette to his lips and replied.
“I’m not an athlete anymore.”
“Right…”
Still, they weren’t old enough to buy cigarettes or alcohol. Ashley had definitely changed. His cool expression as he looked at Koi was especially different. Because of that, Koi couldn’t bring himself to approach Ashley any further and remained standing there.
The wind blew again. The day was already waning, and behind Ashley, the endless expanse of the navy blue sky was visible.
The cigarette smoke Ashley was smoking drifted over, and Koi coughed slightly. Seeing this, Ashley took another drag and then stubbed it out on the balcony railing.
Watching him raise a hand and wave away the smoke he had exhaled, Koi’s heart warmed again. Ashley was still Ashley. Gaining a little confidence from his continued consideration, he opened his mouth.
“Hey, what about college… did you get in?”
“Yeah.”
Ashley’s answer was the end of it. To keep the conversation going, Koi racked his brains again and brought up the next topic.
“Oh, the same college as Father?”
This time, Ashley didn’t even answer, but instead gave a short nod. Koi was at a loss and closed his mouth. An awkward silence flowed. This was the first time there had been such an uncomfortable atmosphere between Ashley and him, and Koi couldn’t think of a way to defuse the situation. Feeling helpless, he glanced around, but Ashley spoke first.
“There’s something I’m curious about.”
“Uh, yeah.”
Answering hastily and fixing his gaze, Ashley looked straight at Koi and asked.
“That day, why didn’t you come?”
Koi was speechless. It wasn’t that he hadn’t expected such a question. But even so, when he actually heard it, words didn’t come easily. Hesitating, Koi barely managed to speak.
“Father was very sick… I couldn’t leave his side.”
“…What about a phone call?”
Ashley asked again after a moment of silence.
“Why didn’t you call?”
Koi answered honestly.
“Father went to the emergency room… and I suddenly heard that he was going to pass away, so I was out of my mind. …I’m sorry.”
This part was sincere. In the midst of the sudden situation, he hadn’t been in the right state of mind to make a call. It was only after Father was moved to the hospital room and they were left alone that he regained some sense of reason.
But even then, knowing that the phone was ringing constantly, he couldn’t bring himself to answer it. The reason was the same as why he couldn’t go to the station. And Ashley seemed to have guessed that to some extent as well.
“Koi, what I’m curious about is.”
He looked down at his hand as if he wanted to smoke, sighed, and instead swept back his hair.
“You could have come to the station even for a little while back then. You knew I was waiting, and even though Father was sick, the crisis had passed, so it doesn’t make sense that you couldn’t spare even a little time.”
Ashley had thought about that day for a very long time. Even after going to the East Coast, even while he was frantically busy preparing for college, that event had constantly tormented him. Finally, Ashley had gotten the chance to find an answer. He suppressed his trembling voice and asked in a lower voice than usual.
“Tell me honestly. You, you didn’t intend to come to me, did you?”
Koi couldn’t answer immediately. He simply stared at Ashley with trembling eyes. He was right. He could have gone to the station even for a little while. He could have explained in person, and maybe Ashley would have understood a little better.
But Koi didn’t do that. He couldn’t deny the reason why he hadn’t.
“…I’m sorry.”
Koi couldn’t look at Ashley’s face anymore and lowered his head.
“If I saw your face… I thought my heart would weaken. If I had gone to the station, I might have abandoned Father and left with you.”
Ashley didn’t say anything. He just stared at Koi in silence. Feeling ashamed, Koi just looked at the tips of his shoes, when he heard Ashley’s cracked voice.
“So you abandoned me.”
Koi raised his head without realizing it. Koi would never forget Ashley’s expression at that moment for the rest of his life. Ashley was smiling faintly. As if he was feeling empty, as if he had given up, as if he knew it would be like this. But still, with a devastated, distorted expression, as if the heart that had expected something had been mercilessly trampled on.
“Ash.”
Koi opened his mouth with difficulty, but Ashley raised one hand. As if to say it was enough.
“You gave up on college, right?”
Koi hesitated and nodded. Ashley asked again.
“Because of Father?”
This time, Koi had to agree.
“I’m the only one who can take care of Father…”
At the faint voice, Ashley didn’t say anything. He just let out a sigh as if he was suffocating. Koi looked at his face with difficulty. The words he had wanted to ask since earlier were stuck in his throat, and he couldn’t bear it any longer.
“Ash, are you… going back to the East Coast after the party?”
“Yeah. I came here to see you.”
At the words added so readily, Koi was speechless. Seeing him flustered, Ashley gave a bitter smile.
“I just wanted to confirm if my guess was wrong. …Yeah, I guess it is.”
Feeling a sense of crisis at his words, which seemed somehow resigned, Koi called out his name urgently.
“A-Ash.”
Koi, who had called his name urgently, continued.
“Hey, can’t I call you?”
Ashley didn’t answer. Koi mumbled in a fading voice.
“We don’t have to break up like this. We could meet during vacation or something…”
“It’s better if you don’t come into my sight.”
Ashley said. Koi didn’t understand the meaning and was puzzled by the light tone compared to the content.
“…You’re not threatening me, are you?”
“Who knows.”
At the ambiguous answer, Koi tensed up and shrugged his shoulders.
“Are you going to hit me…?”
Ashley let out a short laugh. Soon, he made a bitter expression and muttered.
“You might end up thinking it would be better if I just hit you.”
Startled, Koi’s eyes widened. Seeing Koi like that, Ashley averted his gaze and suddenly moved.
Koi stared blankly at him as he walked towards him. Step by step, Ashley gradually got closer. Finally, when he was right in front of him, Koi unconsciously tensed up and held his breath. And just as Ashley seemed to pass by Koi, he suddenly wrapped his arms around Koi’s waist and pulled him close.
Koi gasped in surprise and was pulled in. Their lips met. Lips that seemed to touch softly were pressed together tightly, and soon their tongues intertwined.
Koi, who had been frozen by the sudden kiss, didn’t hesitate and wrapped his arms around his neck. As they pressed their bodies together without any gaps, a rough kiss continued.
I wish this kiss would last forever.
Koi responded to Ashley’s kiss with all his heart. Ashley, who had wrapped his tongue around his, bit and sucked on Koi’s lips. Heavy breaths reached his lips, wet with saliva, with a cold chill.
When they barely stopped kissing, they were both panting. Ashley looked down at Koi for a moment and smiled briefly.
“I’m drunk.”
Was he drinking alcohol as well as smoking? Koi suddenly thought. But even after stopping the kiss, Ashley was still holding him. With his arms tightened around his waist, Ashley opened his mouth.
“I’ll ask you one last time. Let’s go to the East Coast together.”